How do I deal with this message sent to a friend from my teen?

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Name changed as friends and family know my mumsnet user and I wouldn’t like them to see this if I’m honest.

I was doing a routine check on my daughters phone when I found this message to a close friend of hers , not sure what to do about it

‘ I don’t know what to do anymore , I feel so much like a disappointment and failure. I get good grades but others get better , I try to revise but I cant seem to motivate myself to do so and it’s the same with homework and I’m so thankful for you helping me with the hwk otherwise I’d have bucketloads more detentions. I never know what I, doing In lessons and feel stupid when I ask. I talk and talk and I don’t know why but it’s making me lose friends becUse they don’t want to listen when I call their name or their scared I will blab something. I sometimes am more interested in unscrewing my pen than listening to a test date and it’s killing me. Losing my phone , earpods, forgetting books and i hate myself for it. I don’t know what to do anymore because I feel like this horrible disrespectful kid because I shout out stupid comments and talk and never know what I’m doing and I’m not , I mean I know I’m only in year 7 but it hurts so much to think hardly any teachers like you and think your just a huge problem but I don’t mean to be. I’m sorry for ruining your learning , I don’t mean to and your my bets friend I’d never do it on purpose and I know you probs don’t care but I do. I need u to help me please , I can’t deal with this. I what kids and teachers to like me and not find me annoying . ThNks for everything you do for me , love you best friend

** Assessment

Now I know a lot are suggesting ADHD, bit I don't know

My old social worker said, if I was at school now, I'd have been classed as, ADHD and dispraxic and.midly dyslexia.... I never was diagnosed, and I'm sure I still am... I was never treated for it.

Anyways...
I spent my whole childhood like this (apart from abuse, but that's a different story). I'm like it now if I'm honest.

It maybe he has some sort of attention deficit, but doesn't have to be ADHD. Is there anything he is transfixed by, or anything he gives his all to doing?

For me, I had no special subjects, although I lived history classes (still do like history). I'm a very practical learner. I learn by doing. I couldn't tell you why something is broke, but if you told me to replace it, I could.

I'd sit with her, and talk it through, find out if something is bothering her, rather than challenging her and ask what is she interested in... What floats her boat?

I have two trains of thought. My son found it hard to settle into secondary school and when I went to parents evening I was gobsmacked as he was annoying most teachers in most classes and they were all moaning. Although no teachers or classmates could see it, it was making him really unhappy. I talked to him and explained how to try and step back from being the annoying kid in the class..not easy as teachers and peers expected him to get into trouble. We agreed that if he couldn't turn it around by Christmas of year 8, we would look at changing school. He was that unhappy. He turned it around and was happy at school. My other hat is having recently retired after 20+ years working with students with specific learning difficulties. Some will have dyslexic difficulties which create more problems at certain stages of education, and similarly ADD, ADHD etc. For this you need to speak to her school, not try and deal with it without their professional help. Good Iuck

@cauliflowersqueeze this is why I’m worried , it has been raised with me. Not about homework but about lack of work produced ( minority of classes though ) , lack of focus and I think they call it low level disruption if I’m correct. I doubt there’s anything of it and she may well be over exaggerating so I will definitely email her tutor and see what she thinks.

Loving all the positive stories and I hope everything worked out for all your children
Also , @cathpot I couldn never show her teachers she’s be so embarrassed but I understand where u are coming from about changing perception as I know some teachers ( from my own experience) just see kids as ‘the naughty ones who don’t want an education’ and I doubt that’s true for any of them if I’m honest

Ah bless her, thankfully you are having a check up. I’d speak to your GP with concerns centered around ADHD and also contact the school.

We (parents and school) were asked to fill in a questionnaire and it went from there. After diagnosis, DD was given meds for during school hours, they made he appetite and mood very low so she chose to stop taking them. We went to a few (bloody loads of) parenting classes and by year 9 DD turned a corner.

And we haven’t looked back! We work very closely with school. And DD and thankfully, everyth8ng is very much better.

Is this really her writing it, I mean are you sure it's someone in her year. Turn of phase is a little adult, just checking it's not someone else

@crockof never thought of that , could be copy and pasted from somebody else which she may have been sent. What has been said and my knowledge do seem to cross paths though. I guess I’ll find out when ask her tomorrow
@cheekyfuckersdontgetpastme What a wonderful story ! Glad it all worked out for you both

I'm sorry but you do sound a bit dismissive. DS1 has dyspraxia, ADHD and anxiety.
He was diagnosed by CAMHS in June after a 10 month wait. He, like most people with ADHD, is very bright and articulate, but has huge issues with focus, work output and impulse control. He will often be that child who shouts out because he can't keen it in.
He gets hugely frustrated with himself.
He's 11 and will be transitioning to high school in August (we're in Scotland). Plans are already in place to support him.

I spologise if I come across that way and want to do anything I can to help my daughter and am really just a concerned parent

Try to organise her day the night before. Have the timetable written out, stuck up on the wall, help her pack stuff for the next day. It really is hard for some children to organise themselves at this age. Check for homework. No I pad until they have done some. In front of you not in her room. Help her with it if asked.

Another one thinking oh bless her.
Her teachers only want to help her do her best. (Ex teacher!)
Packing the bag the night before, doing HW when it is set, keep a copy of timetable so you can remind about PE kit etc.
Disrupting learning? Lacking confidence or finding it hard to sit still? I know students who needed to talk work through before writing and others who needed a scribble pad so they could manage to listen.
There are so many strategies that can help. For now? She needs to know you love her and you and she and her teachers can work together to make this better.
And a hug. She needs a hug.

So my DD with dyspraxia:

• couldn't self start on homework. Fine if it was 'translate into french' or 'do this maths'. But her school at times set vague tasks like 'who would your favourite person to meet from history be, and why'. She would get so caught up in working out exactly who her favourite was, and then would just write 'I would like to eet Elizabeth I because I think it would be interesting'.

SO - is she not doing work because she doesn't know where to start?

• When we eventually saw an OT (in y11) she was very chatty when given tasks. The OT noticed and said it was a self-distraction so as not to do something she felt she wouldn't do well.

• we had a lot of the organisation issue you describe

Your DD could just be an immature 12yo, or there could be something underlying. Things can present at secondary that were hidden at primary due to how the schools are structured differently etc. Primary school dismissed our concerns about DD, but they became more obvious in lower secondary and unmissable in GCSE years.

ps I had to sit with DD1 for homework right up until start y10.

In a similar situation, I did this:
Sit DC down at a time when you both have a good hour to spare. Make it as pleasant as possible. Cosy seats, blankets, a mug of tea etc. Tell her you read a message that she probably wishes you hadn't but you are very glad you did. Show loads of sympathy.

Tell her you are really proud of her for being so analytical about her problems, and that being able to recognise them is half the battle. I am so impressed by her. That is very emotionally intelligent. I hope she knows that. Then tell her that you and teachers and counsellors are adults who can truly help but it's maybe not a good idea to put pressure on a friend as they are emotionally not mature enough to offer support and may have secret issues of their own.

Ask her some gentle questions and listen loads. Give lots of encouragement about how insightful she is and encourage her to get the whole lot off her chest however trivial some of it seems. It's likely she'll get upset, so have tissues and a blanket to hand, to comfort her. And hugs, obviously.

Help her work out a plan of action. That could include an ADHD assessment. You could also discuss how sugar highs and lows can get people to behave in a hyper manner and suggest she cuts right down, replacing sugary snacks with plain savoury ones. Find out which teachers she likes most and contact them first, as well as her form tutor, Head of Year, head of Studies and Counselling team.

Remind her that it's very unlikely teachers dislike her but they probably struggle with that behaviour as it makes it harder for them to do their job.

DS2 has ADD (not ADHD), and there are loads and loads of simple tips that help at that age. She could get permission to have her phone on her and take a photo of work on the board. She can ask for all homework to be emailed to her by the teacher so it's in writing somewhere she can't lose it. At DS's school the counselling team were so brilliant, but I get the impression we were very lucky as other friends have had to fight for the right support.

She may not see it yet but having that sort of insight into her behaviour, and having such a clear, strong will to improve it, and to have the vision for how she'd like to behave... if that were my daughter I'd be bursting with pride at how self- aware and emotionally mature she is inside, even if the outside hasn't caught up!

She's only in Yr 7. She'll get this sorted, definitely. [flowers to her]

I spoke to her and she told me it was about her and basically told me everything about no matter how Hard she tries she feels she will always be seen as the disrespectful , selfish , attention-seeking kid who doesn’t put effort into school.
And of course I told her that’s not the case and explained all these strategies and she did not like the idea of an adhd assessment so I guess that’s off the table and I’m going to have to help her with these strategies mumsnet users give me which are definitely helpful

Oh bless her. All those things sound just like my boy with dyspraxia. I know no-one can diagnose her online but it’s worth thinking about.
My DS uses a laptop and gets extra time.

I personally don't think it is up to her to 'not like the idea of an assessment'.
If there was a physical issue you wouldn't let her veto that.

I think you should (continue to) read around ADHD & dyspraxia, and if you think that online info suggests she may well have one of them, then you need to pursue an assessment.

Yes, do it in parallel with other strategies, give the strategies a chance to work, but imo if she has ADHD or dyspraxia or similar she will be better off long term with the label and help than still having a condition but undiagnosed and no help.

@teentimestwo yes I do agree. I’ve done a bit of reading and she does have most adhd symptoms but it’s hard to remember what she was alike when she was younger. Dyspraxia symptoms seem familiar on a scale but very mild. There’s this 47 dyslexia symptoms which I thought she had Quite a lot symptoms of but she can spell and read ( I don’t think she’s read a book in ages though because she just doesn’t like them) . To pursue an assessment whose the best to see when there may be more than one condition to assess for?

My year 7 ds who is autistic struggles with not talking and paying attention. He gets in lots of bother for 'low level disruption' school are working with us as I've had to go in and yet again explain his behaviours...

We are finding a good balance between accommodating his additional needs and him being held responsible for his actions 👍

I'd start with the school SENCO.
Say it might just be nothing,
BUT

• your DD has flagged up issues
• you have done some reading and here is a checklist with signs that she shows highlighted
• please could teachers be asked what they see
• if school agrees, please how do you go about a referral for assessment

I saw the GP with a dyspraxia checklist who referred to OT, but the first thing OT wanted was input from school..

I do agree that cooperation is needed from your DD, but if there is something it is better for teachers to know and help with strategies, than for them to just get cross with her!

Bless, she sounds like me at that age. Has she ever been assessed for ADD?

My dyspraxic boy doesn’t read books. He’s perfectly able to read and write, but he can’t concentrate. He says he has to read stuff over again (his short term memory isn’t good, which is a dyspraxic thing).
If I asked him at 11 he’d not have had the self awareness to say that as he knew no different. He’d just say he didn’t like reading.
He’s 17 now and only really realised his experience wasn’t the same as everyone else’s when he was assessed by the Ed psych in year 11.

Also, schools are RUBBISH with dyspraxia. You have to tell them what your child needs rather than them spotting it and knowing the best teaching strategies.
School really affected DS self esteem because he’s bright but has problems which were often seen as him not caring or trying.

Never been assessed for add or anything as I never realised there was an issue until secondary. She always took forever so do homework because she had a break every 2 sentences she wrote or something.is add the one with or without the excessive talking and shouting out?