How do I deal with this message sent to a friend from my teen?

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Name changed as friends and family know my mumsnet user and I wouldn’t like them to see this if I’m honest.

I was doing a routine check on my daughters phone when I found this message to a close friend of hers , not sure what to do about it

‘ I don’t know what to do anymore , I feel so much like a disappointment and failure. I get good grades but others get better , I try to revise but I cant seem to motivate myself to do so and it’s the same with homework and I’m so thankful for you helping me with the hwk otherwise I’d have bucketloads more detentions. I never know what I, doing In lessons and feel stupid when I ask. I talk and talk and I don’t know why but it’s making me lose friends becUse they don’t want to listen when I call their name or their scared I will blab something. I sometimes am more interested in unscrewing my pen than listening to a test date and it’s killing me. Losing my phone , earpods, forgetting books and i hate myself for it. I don’t know what to do anymore because I feel like this horrible disrespectful kid because I shout out stupid comments and talk and never know what I’m doing and I’m not , I mean I know I’m only in year 7 but it hurts so much to think hardly any teachers like you and think your just a huge problem but I don’t mean to be. I’m sorry for ruining your learning , I don’t mean to and your my bets friend I’d never do it on purpose and I know you probs don’t care but I do. I need u to help me please , I can’t deal with this. I what kids and teachers to like me and not find me annoying . ThNks for everything you do for me , love you best friend

OP, I understand her not liking the idea of an assessment. It really upset DS at the time. But it change dhis life for the better. No teacher was allowed to have a go at him for being disorganised, or to shout at him for not concentrating. They changed the way they treated him overnight. They really helped him stay on track and gave him more encouragement. It helped him a bit at first, then more and more as he gained confidence and his grades went up Now his grades are good, he's pretty well organised too.

She might be resistant but if she knew teachers would understand her better, she'd have an easier life than she does now.

What diagnosis has your DS got again? And would the same apply to excessive talking within adhd and shouting out I wonder?

You shouldn't drop the idea of an assessment just because she didn't like the sound of it.

Sounds like she knew you would read it and probably sent the message for that purpose. How true or whether it is exaggerated or not you won't know until you speak to school. I would make an appointment and discuss it there first. Then offer support to her with homework at.

Dyslexia can be hard to spot. DS never had any problems reading, but I am told he can’t “see” the words in his head when it comes to writing them down, so he spells phonetically. Even if the word is in the question, he can’t copy it down.

OP where you say she doesn’t do homework at home, is that because she says she doesn’t have any or that she does it at school?

I would sit with her whilst doing her homework if possible. We still do that a lot with DS who is in Y9. He is currently being tested for dyslexia, and I think he has traits of dyspraxia too. He is bright but struggles sometimes to put his thoughts down onto paper and struggles with organisation.

I’m amazed you want to approach the school re an assessment prior to simply approaching the school! Get a meeting set up with relevant person (in scotlabd this would be their guidance teacher) explaining roughly what it’s about in your request. They will seek info from the class teachers, and you can sit down together and get a full picture of what is going on. And come up with a plan.
If she never does homework at home, where did you think she was doing it?
I can assure you/your dd that teachers do change opinions - we are absolutely delighted if a pupil’S effort or behaviour improves, she is not stuck in a rut. Even the meeting will result in teachers knowing she is struggling and wants things to improve.
I’m glad you saw the message, this is a great chance to improve things.

She sounds hugely invested in social media. Does she do anuthing outside school? I'd take the phone away for part if the day - I've never needed to check messages as mine didn't have social media until they were mature enough.

It sounds like a long winded attempt to justify copying her friends homework to me.

Can you check her homerokw as it's set? Ds homework is set online and the reminders come to my phone. In year 7 I organised him a bit.

I’m amazed you want to approach the school re an assessment prior to simply approaching the school!
Me too.

While waiting for an assessment (that's not her decision), there are a few things I'd try.

A set daily schedule with reminders. Consistent wake up/bed times. I'd put a big visual schedule on the wall and sit down with her every evening to make a to do list for the next day and set an alarm. Eventually she'll be able to do this alone but I wouldn't expect her to be able to for probably at least a year or two.

Part of this scheduling would include time for homework that you sit with her for, she's telling you that she needs some scaffolding to be able to succeed - keep the slot for homework even if she has none, I'd use the time to read to her (never too old), go for a walk or play a board game together.

Another plus of this schedule would be reducing screen time.
www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mental-wealth/201402/gray-matters-too-much-screen-time-damages-the-brain%3famp

She literally doesn't have the ability to do this on her own right now. I don't know whether there's adhd going on, but 12 year olds are starting to have their brains rearranged (puberty!) so she needs you to lead this.

@ineedaholidaynow she either tells me she hasn’t got any or that she will do it later(which she never ends up doing) I assume she does it at school or on the way because she gets it done. Homework can be seen online and yes , she does football outside of school.

Sorry to say this but you need to do some routine setting and you actually need to check her homework daily. You need to look at every mark she gets and find out where things are going wrong. If you don't know any of this it's going to be difficult to have a meaningful conversation with the school.

I have 2 dyslexic/dysorthographic step kids. DSD hid it extremely well. DSS it was obvious from the very first time I did some exercises with him. We have all the assessments and psychological reports etc. They get extra time, extra help, clearer instructions etc. They've gone from the bottom to the top of the class.

But all this requires more than empathy on your part. You really have to help her and then fight her corner.

Well don’t accept her saying she’ll do it later! Homework is meant to be done at home, not on the hoof or at school (unless there’s a homework club)

Read this information about executive function. Understanding will help you to support her. It's probably a good idea to Google it and read about it on a few sites.

This information from her is a gift. Use it wisely. Most parents in your position would kill for this sort of insight.Take a lot a time to talk to her, ask questions and help her come round to the idea that life could be easier with a little support in school. Talk shoulder to shoulder, not face to face where possible because it makes it easier for young people to relax and open up.

It may be that she is averse to the idea of support at school because she thinks it means an aide hovering near her, or that she will be under more scrutiny. She may fear embarrassment if she gets any extra attention.

Try to figure out what it is that makes her hesitate.

But she doesn't get to decide on this whether her fears are little or large.

Both my boys with SEN were averse to anything which made them ‘different’ from everyone else. My oldest is 17 now, has completely accepted his diagnosis and understands what it means and how to play to his strengths and overcome his weaknesses.
My youngest is 13 and is coming round, with support from me and his big brother.
It’s a process for them and quite a scary one, but you can support her through it.

I agree with Wally that a big parental intervention helps so much. We got DS colour coded ziplock bags to help organise every subject he had. He had several pencil cases, so there was one in each ziplock with coloured pencils for geography, highlighters for English, geometry sets for maths etc. His timetable and homework timetable were pinned up and checked daily.
When he 'forgot' his homework, or 'didn't think she set any' on nights when a subject was due, we made him email mates and teachers to check. He got better and was so much less stressed. he's now quite organised and a lot tidier than his NT brother.

She said it’s because she doesn’t want to feel different or be made fun of as apparently some horrible children take th mick out of multiple children with SEN. Thanks for the tips @woodcutbirds

She doesn’t have to tell anyone though. When kids are being cruel it’s usually about the behaviour, not the diagnosis. Not that it’s ok, of course. I found a YouTuber who talks about his experiences with dyspraxia which helped my oldest, and my youngest is always interested in ASD videos.
They seem receptive to anything on YouTube.

Aged 12 and she knows I read her messages weekly as that is the terms otherwise she knows she loses her phone wouldn't she just delete the ones she doesn't want you to see?

This information from her is a gift. Use it wisely.

This.

A tutor service like Kip McGrath could help you get the basics in place. You need to be her guide, simplify things for her and coach her through to enjoying learning.

Remember a lot of SEN can run in families so it may help to get professional support to find the ways that work best for both of you.

Really simple starting points could be colour coding, scheduling (especially sleep/rest breaks/exercise/studying), screen time control, bag organisation so everything has a specific pocket and doesn't get lost, wired headphones less easy to lose, that sort of thing.

She sounds very bright and sometimes it is harder for bright children because they have never had to learn how to study properly. Any attention issues could heighten her frustration. Cutting out the distractions and noise and streamlining her life as much as possible until she gets to grips with learning and getting good "flow" can only help her become happier and calmer.

If you get stressed trying to help her be prepared to hand that job over to someone else but do act on her shout for help, it changes everything!

Personally , I don’t think she struggles with learning as she gets top marks but I think it’s the fact that some get better sometimes. I agree you would usually delete the ones but it has saved (the whole conversation) I don’t know whether she saved it or her friend. These sound like good tips thanks!

I feel so sorry for children being forced through this rigid sausage factory that is our current education system. Just because she does not like it does not mean there is anything wrong with her. It means that she finds it hard to fit in with an imposed set of rules that she finds hard to deal with.

Talk to the school - tell them she is unhappy and ask what options they have to help her feel comfortable.

I am intrigued by the fact that the ADHD diagnosis (which I am neither denigrating nor disputing) is mainly centred around children rather than adults. And what do children spend most of their time doing? - being in school.

I am suggesting here that the school system is broken and unsuited to many children; and that in trying to mend the child we are missing the main point.

I know the education system is rubbish. I mean setting a gcse target grade over year 6 stars , the pressure on young children to conform , do well and sometimes make kids unable to express their happy personality’s. I think adhd is more noticeable in school as it can express more vividly as a child , I think so anyway

I know how worried you must be. I have been in a similar situation.

They do say that symptoms of adhd or aspergers are sometimes triggered by the move to secondary school. As you will know from my previous post, I believe that much of the fault lies with the education system - we are all different (and may or may not be on the edge of a syndrome or diagnosis) but the school system is so inflexible - either you fit in and do fine, or you don't - some schools will do their best with a card system - the child can show their card if it is all getting too much for them and be allowed to leave the lesson and go to a designated safe space. But this still does not alter the basic mismatch between the child and the environment that they are forced into.

I do think that talking to the school is a good first step; and she needs to know that you do understand, and her happiness is more important to you than high grades. I told my children that I really did not care what grades or exams they got, but did care very much that they should grow up as kind people - that was my clear priority. They did well academically in the end - all of them, but I would be hard pushed to say that their time at secondary school was anything but a chore to be got through - what a waste of precious childhood years!