Oh God I had to call the police

[BrevilleTron]

To remove my 18yr old Dr from my home. Attitude and behaviour has been awful and when I gave her two months notice as she couldn't abide by my rules of keep your bedroom tidy and wash up twice a week to get £30 per week spending money in addition to wages from her part time job. I was scared when she blew up as shes bigger than me and was pulling doors out of my grasp. I removed her keys and warned her if she attempted to hit me I'd call 999.

I feel like a terrible mum, her sternum witnessed the abuse via phone and then spoke to DD backing me up and said she couldn't continue to behave like this because people just won't accept it. DD said how dare I spout lies to stepmum who replied I heard you!

Yes me and her dad split up but we did it bloody well and she has not suffered and she's seen me regularly until she came to live with me. I drove 400 miles eow to see her. She has wanted for nothing and had a stable upbringing.

I love her so so much. She's bright and funny. I tell her this regularly. I'm proud of her when she behaves like the woman I know she is.

I feel so shit. She's my daughter. My only. And she is treating me like dirt. She's seen what happens to people who treat me badly...They are no longer in my life. I left my husband for one reason that his half brother attempted to groom her. I got police involved because she is my priority.

I never thought I'd ever have to call them AGAINST her.

But I will not feel intimidated in my own home.

God it's a mess. She's gone to a friend's so luckily doesn't have to spend the night in the cells. No charges and no record. But I fear I may have ruined the relationship

But if I as her Mum don't show her the limits that I have she will think it's acceptable and it isn't. And I can't lie to her that it's ok to do this. She said horrible horrible things that I can't bear to write down..

Have people ever come back from this? Been mother and daughter after? My own relationship with my mum is arms length for my sanity so my aunt is my second mum. I've cried over a few people today.

I'm a crap mum.

I'd have done the exact same! We can't expect our children to grow up if we continue to baby them. The real world would be just as strict and actions have consequences. Your house your rules and if people can't respect that then they have to understand you won't tolerate it. Your daughter will learn one day and I'm sure it won't have ruined your relationship. I'm closer to my mum now than I ever have been and at one point I swore blind I didn't need her in my life with things that ent on (always been a daddy's girl) but now I respect my mum and have so much love and compassion for her. So hold your ground and I hope things resolve quickly for you both x

Is she still having contact with her dad’s side of the family? I would be concerned that something was amiss there and she was hiding it from you.

I’d want to understand WHY her bahvuour was so awful. There must be something upsetting her.
Have you sent her to a counsellor? Has she had cahms involved?

People often play up to the people who love us the most as we know it’s a safe outlet for our emotions. She’s 18 not evil. She sounds like she needs you loads.

Ps you can never go wrong with giving someone a hug and telling them you love them. You’ll always be her mum.

You and she need support to deal with whatever is underlying this issue. Did you leave your husband but leave her behind? I’m confused.

Sorry if I missed something but you left your ex because his brother was attempting to groom your DD, but left your DD with your ex?

Not being judgemental about that btw, sorry that it comes across like that. Just that I am trying to work out why she stayed if his family where the risk.

They can be bloody hard work at that age, it might be a bit of a wake up call for her but seems to me it would be a good idea to get her to talk to someone trained in counseling services seems that somethig is not as it ought be there.

And No i don't think your a bad mum.

Will the perfect mum cast the first stone and all that;!

Why did you leave her behind if you left your husband because of grooming by HIS family member? I don't get it.

I think how your dd keeps her room at 18 is up to her. She sounds utterly furious and I think you need to listen to her in a calm way.

Also, as pointed out by pp, you left her father because of grooming concerns, but then left her in his care, whilst living 400 miles away and seeing her eow?

I would be interested in hearing your dd's POV on your argument.

Also, Police wouldn't keep her in cells over night for shouting loudly and saying horrible things to her mum. She didn't swerve that because she stayed at her friends.

I don't understand what she actually did that warranted police involvement?

Whoa! You left your husband because his half brother was grooming your child, yet you left her with him???? 400 miles away? (Or 200 each way?) I can't get my head round that, sorry.

Also, calling 999 because your clearly-troubled child tried to lash out is extreme by anyone's standards.

You seem to really struggle with parenting, I must say

Sorry for the confusion. My DDs dad and I were never married. He is great. I was married to a man whose half brother attempted to groom my DD over messages. I left him DD did not live with me at that time but lived with her great dad and lovely stepmum. All is still ok there as we talk to each other.

I did not call 999 I called 101 after repeatedly asking her to leave and give us both some space. At one point she threatened me so I had to shut myself away. Thanks to all who posted, she has been in contact via the person she has stayed with, and is coming round at the weekend. Hopefully things will be calmer.

Your DD sounds very angry. Her parents split, her mother moved very far away and married someone else who's family member attempted to groom her. Of course she shouldn't be behaving violently or making threats, that's not right at all but I do think you need to be having a good hard look at the root of your daughters anger. How does she feel about not living with you for a time and you being so far away? Has she ever received counselling/support for the grooming? Does she feel like she had a stable upbringing? Just how aware is she of what happens to people who 'treat you badly'?

Hi thank you for some good points. A Social worker was involved at the time and she did get counselling. Sadly both her stepmum and me have had her say to us that she "likes the drama and is "the queen of guilt trips"
Both of us. She has been loved in an amicable arrangement by all of us.

She has seen me end friendships/relationships and go nc with people quietly if they took advantage of kindness. I'm not a doormat and I hoped I was teaching her that it's ok to stand up for yourself without drama.

I love her I really do and I hope she can work things out to give her time to do it properly. I will help

Op just stay calm, sometimes we have to do the hardest thing like call the police you did the right thing op and your daughter will learn to not abuse people so it's really good teaching and life lesson. In terms of your relationship I don't think it will change as by the weekend she will probably be feeling bad about her behaviour etc you will get through this lots of love x

I think you should look at changing your behaviour and whether you should be apologising for the mistakes you’ve made to her.
It sounds like she’s had an utterly shit childhood and that’s not her fault at all.
At the end of the day you cant change her behaviour but you can change your own; how you respond to her and owning up to the role you’ve played in making her feel so angry.

She hasn't had an utterly shit childhood she's had a happy one and gained two siblings from her dad. She's been brought up in a happy stable family home with regular contact with me. She's not heard any of us say a bad word about the others.

She's had rules. She's had a good education. She moved to live with me at the end of her gcses to go to college down here (her choice)

She's had friend's to stay I've taken her to various gigs. She's had freedom to live her life down here and doesn't have to live with her two siblings 6 & 3.

Where exactly have I gone wrong? Where was her childhood shit?

I also didn't get married until 2012 and the split from her dad was very amicable. We've all been adult and put her first. Hardest decision I ever had to make leaving her with her dad. But he's a brilliant dad and we did it properly, legally and I happily paid CM and above. She is our child and her stepmum has been in her life since she was 5 so she's always had at least 3 parents who love her.

But if that makes for an utterly shit childhood.
As soon as she told me about the grooming I acted. I drove her home as usual, told her dad and consulted with him as to what to do. I called the police who called social services and the school and I made a dignified exit from both the marriage and the extended family. She's my kid she comes first (exh keen to brush under carpet )
I acted. I took me and her out of a situation where she'd ever have to see them again.

Are those the actions of a shit mum Redsky?
You've given some very good advice and I'm grateful that you took time to read my thread.
But I really don't think she's had a shit childhood and neither do her dad and stepmum who agree it's nothing any of us have done we've had the same rules at both homes? That hurt a bit so I thought I'd try and clear up the background.

i have a dc lashing out atm. seems a levels stress. dc not used to study regularly so now struggling.
struggling with their weight as well because of stress and binge eating.
so hard to cope.
i understand your dd had a very good upbringing. a very good talk maybe with a counselor would help to find out the root of her problems.
but in our case we know the problem but dont know how to get out of it.

I think you did the right thing. She may not see it like that right now but she will eventually.

Op I’ve never said you are a shit mum. You clearly aren’t because you’ve got the key thing that makes you a good mum - you care!
I’m sorry if I’ve hit a nerve - I just thought growing up through two divorces/relationship split ups with your parents, your mum moving out and not living with and being groomed by an uncle doesnt exactly sound like an ideallic stress free childhood.
My last set of comments to you were because you were pitching this as something she needed to sort out and she needed to change about her behaviour - without being able to see it’s not her fault she’s feeling like this and that your actions are the key to sorting her out - not hers

Please do tell her you love her and give her a hug when you next see her !

This might sound harsh but threatening to chuck your daughter out on the streets with nowhere to go when she knows you have followed through on cutting people off before is terrifying for the daughter. Ive been the daughter. She undoubtedly behaved badly - I’m not excusing that but she was in panic mode and doesn’t have the experience to deal with it.
You said you got her keys of her? What does that mean? Took them from the key bowl or physically removed them from her? Because that could escalate the situation.
Believe me when I say I have been the daughter. My dm also cut people off for various reasons, not always easy to fathom as a child. My dm said she never gave a second chance so when I displeased her as a teen I assumed that would be it. Although she’s 18 she still relies on family for a lot.
I’m not having a go, I’m trying to explain where she might be coming from since it’s seems out of the blue for you.
We get on fine now, but I’m in my 30’s and somethings come close to setting us off again. Ironically we weren’t close until I didn’t need her for anythjng and chose to be in her company.

I will give her a hug and tell her I love her and I want her to let me help her move out properly I.e live here while we sort it so she's got a room somewhere and a job to pay for it ( I'll help) But I can't be abused and screamed at. I won't throw her on the street but she needs to know there can be no more chances. I can't live like this. She knows she will always be my daughter
Thank you I will suggest counselling as I do want to help her