Oh God I had to call the police

[BrevilleTron]

To remove my 18yr old Dr from my home. Attitude and behaviour has been awful and when I gave her two months notice as she couldn't abide by my rules of keep your bedroom tidy and wash up twice a week to get £30 per week spending money in addition to wages from her part time job. I was scared when she blew up as shes bigger than me and was pulling doors out of my grasp. I removed her keys and warned her if she attempted to hit me I'd call 999.

I feel like a terrible mum, her sternum witnessed the abuse via phone and then spoke to DD backing me up and said she couldn't continue to behave like this because people just won't accept it. DD said how dare I spout lies to stepmum who replied I heard you!

Yes me and her dad split up but we did it bloody well and she has not suffered and she's seen me regularly until she came to live with me. I drove 400 miles eow to see her. She has wanted for nothing and had a stable upbringing.

I love her so so much. She's bright and funny. I tell her this regularly. I'm proud of her when she behaves like the woman I know she is.

I feel so shit. She's my daughter. My only. And she is treating me like dirt. She's seen what happens to people who treat me badly...They are no longer in my life. I left my husband for one reason that his half brother attempted to groom her. I got police involved because she is my priority.

I never thought I'd ever have to call them AGAINST her.

But I will not feel intimidated in my own home.

God it's a mess. She's gone to a friend's so luckily doesn't have to spend the night in the cells. No charges and no record. But I fear I may have ruined the relationship

But if I as her Mum don't show her the limits that I have she will think it's acceptable and it isn't. And I can't lie to her that it's ok to do this. She said horrible horrible things that I can't bear to write down..

Have people ever come back from this? Been mother and daughter after? My own relationship with my mum is arms length for my sanity so my aunt is my second mum. I've cried over a few people today.

I'm a crap mum.

@BrevilleTron it takes a big person to do that, I hope you don’t take this wrongly, but can I say, ahem, well done? Sorry, hideously patronising! But well meant, honest

I’d also just mention that it doesn’t make you a bad person, or a bad parent, to have a child who has been through some difficult life experiences growing up.

I think you’re being brilliant, to recognise that she may have experienced things diffierently from you, and maybe learnt different life lessons too.

I think it might really help to have an honest and open conversation with her where you show her that you’re stepping out of your perspective and trying to put yourself in her shoes.

It might take a few chats for her to open up, but hopefully you’ll both end up happier for it.

Sounds like you are taking comments on board . Two months notice for not keeping your room tidy and not washing up is bizarre tbh. It’s quite unusual to her no matter how nice her father and stepmother are for her mother not to have been her main Carer . There will be underlying feelings about that and it’s no surprise if she is testing to see just how much you love her and want her around .. no matter what.
I would not in all honesty .. my daughters are in there 20’s ever at that age to be coming up with ultimates like that at 18 or to the one who still lives with me.
Hope you both find a way of calm living .

The fact you are taking on board comments on here is really positive.
This can definately be fixable.
I think wellthisisshit’s post was really good and nailed what I was trying to say but couldn’t say it properly.
Really hope it goes well.

Thank you. I came here to get opinions and it does look like I'm in the wrong which I accept. The first apology will come from me.
We've had contact and both said we love each other.
Now I need to gently get to the root of why she feels like this and what if anything I can do to resolve it.
Many thanks for being blunt enough to tell me I've been an arse and i need to fix it.

It's a wake up call when you think you are doing ok and then others point out you actually aren't. I'm a bit too selfish at times and she is just as entitled to her feelings as I am.

I think I've forgotten what it was like to be 18. But I've been reminded. And empathy can only be a good thing.

Thank you for making me question myself.

Your ability to cut people off, including your own daughter to an extent, comes from your lives experience too. You mentioned your own relationship with your mother.
It may be time for you to look at that too.