Oh God I had to call the police

[BrevilleTron]

To remove my 18yr old Dr from my home. Attitude and behaviour has been awful and when I gave her two months notice as she couldn't abide by my rules of keep your bedroom tidy and wash up twice a week to get £30 per week spending money in addition to wages from her part time job. I was scared when she blew up as shes bigger than me and was pulling doors out of my grasp. I removed her keys and warned her if she attempted to hit me I'd call 999.

I feel like a terrible mum, her sternum witnessed the abuse via phone and then spoke to DD backing me up and said she couldn't continue to behave like this because people just won't accept it. DD said how dare I spout lies to stepmum who replied I heard you!

Yes me and her dad split up but we did it bloody well and she has not suffered and she's seen me regularly until she came to live with me. I drove 400 miles eow to see her. She has wanted for nothing and had a stable upbringing.

I love her so so much. She's bright and funny. I tell her this regularly. I'm proud of her when she behaves like the woman I know she is.

I feel so shit. She's my daughter. My only. And she is treating me like dirt. She's seen what happens to people who treat me badly...They are no longer in my life. I left my husband for one reason that his half brother attempted to groom her. I got police involved because she is my priority.

I never thought I'd ever have to call them AGAINST her.

But I will not feel intimidated in my own home.

God it's a mess. She's gone to a friend's so luckily doesn't have to spend the night in the cells. No charges and no record. But I fear I may have ruined the relationship

But if I as her Mum don't show her the limits that I have she will think it's acceptable and it isn't. And I can't lie to her that it's ok to do this. She said horrible horrible things that I can't bear to write down..

Have people ever come back from this? Been mother and daughter after? My own relationship with my mum is arms length for my sanity so my aunt is my second mum. I've cried over a few people today.

I'm a crap mum.

I pocketed her keys I didn't take them from her. She was offering to fight me so I called 101
To the poster who asked and again thanks for giving your opinion because it helps me understand from her point of view

I think it sounds like you did plenty to escalate the situation.

Did she hit you?
She is 18 and you want her out. It is clear
From your post. Maybe she feels you don't love her - as much as you say she is happy and had a wonderful childhood - she didn't with you. And now you want her out again ...

Your DD has had a really unsettled childhood and you don't seem to want to parent her even now. Most people will lash out if their security is threatened. You seem proud of the fact that if people don't treat you in the way you want then you cut them out of your life.
Your DD must be feeling so unwanted. You really have no idea what parenting is all about have you?

Well thanks for that. I'd thought we'd managed to provide a happy loving environment with acceptable boundaries for how we treat each other. I'm proud of not being a doormat it doesn't mean I don't care about my daughter. I'm parenting the best way I know how but clearly I should roll over and accept her abuse yes?

Can you see how you are escalating this thread?
What did you say which caused her to start abusing you? You haven’t kept your room tidy or done the washing up so I’ve taken your keys and you have to leave? What were you asking her to do, had you reached the point of ultimatum?
And you have been unspecific, she said awful things and you felt threatened, what were you doing?
I think you are clearly asking her to leave. Which I think is pretty cold if your main problem is she is a slob. Is estimate 50% of the world don’t meet the standard of the other 50%. And I say that not knowing what your standards are. If I left deodorant or shampoo etc in the bathroom I was called lazy and ungrateful and got the silent treatment for a week. Maybe your dd has every plate in the house festering and the bins overflowing, I don’t know. Lots and lots of families will be having this argument at the weekend. How long has she been back living with you? Have you had time to get used to each other?
Did you always want her out at 18? Would staying till the end of term at college not be kinder and more supportive?

OP I have a friend in similar family set up to you. She left her daughter with her father and moved away. Her daughter had lots of great things in her childhood.

However, she has a massive, massive amount of pain because basically while some kids grew up with divorced/separated parents, EVERYBODY lived with their mother (unless they were fostered/adopted). I have no idea if biologically there's a closer link between mothers and children, especially daughters, but socially that link is expected and reinforced. So at least because of the social pressure, if nothing else, my friend's daughter clearly feels her mother didn't love her as much as other mothers loved their daughters AND that she's not as loveable as other daughters must have been. And she feels at least on some level that she was abandoned by her mother. On paper she wasn't, but that's not how it feels to her.

So the reality is that while her father May have been a wonderful, loving father, had it been him who left, the pain wouldn't have been so great, because it happened to other people too.

You are a mother and you left your daughter. That is absolutely unthinkable. My dd is 20. Her room is unspeakably untidy. I nag for the dishwasher to be emptied. She's at uni now. I'd go to the moon and back to ensure her happiness.

Where is the love.

I do tend to think SoaringSwallow post should be well read by the OP

My main thoughts from reading what you've written is you come across as a selfish, intolerant person. You say you won't be abused, but is having an argument abuse?

You sound as though you think your dd had an amazing childhood but it reads the opposite.

Oh and the call to the SM, very fucking sneaky. I'd be mighty pissed with you for that alone.

I my experience, people who are immensely proud and like to tell everybody about how quick they cut people off when they take advantage of kindness, are usually people who over react about everything and expect people to act exactly how they find acceptable. When people dont do as they want, they cut then off.

These people then like to warn others that they will cut them off if they dont obey.

It's not a great quality in a mother

Is there more of aback story to her behaviour? Though her behaviour in this instance was obviously extreme, giving her two months notice sounds a) an overreaction to not doing dishes/ keeping her room tidy and b) very formal - like you regard her as a lodger rather than your child.

I’d think her room would be her space to keep as she wishes?

As for not dishes, i’d think the obvious consequence for not doing that would be that she doesn’t get the extra money.

I do think there’s probably something to what pp’s have said, that her reaction here is probably due to feelings of rejection. I don’t think that you having split from her father or her father being her primary residence growing up makes her childhood bad or you a bad parent, but I do think it could have created some feelings of insecurity with regard to her relationship with you, that this has triggered.

Aside from any rights or wrongs in what has been said and done both historically and recently, it is entirely possible to forge a good relationship in the future.

My DD was awful from age 13-18, police were called more than once because of her threats and actual violence, it was like living with a terrorist.

She’s 22 now and we’re very close, she still lives with me and always has done. I used to long for the day she moved out and now I would only want her to because I’d like to see her spread her wings but I’m very happy with the status quo, I never thought I’d say that.

Once she started finding her place in the world (job, boyfriend, better group of friends) she calmed down and after a period of emotional distance we began to develop a better relationship. I’m very proud of how she turned things around, she’s not perfect but who is? I’m sure she’d say the same about me but we care about each other and have each other’s backs.

So yes, even after the most horrendous relationship breakdown it is possible to mend things but it takes forgiveness and apologies on both sides and big dollops of love.

Hi OP,

From your posts you seem to think your dd had a really good childhood but it is not usual for a mother to move away from her child like you did. Even though she was with her dad and sm, there could be a lot of resentment buried in your daughter about this and possibly other events you are unaware of.

No you shouldn't have to put up with abuse from her but when things are quiet, I suggest you calmly talk things through with her and find out what is at the bottom of all this. You seem to think she had a great childhood, let her tell you how it actually was for her.

What did she say to you that stopped you from deescalating the situation?

Don’t underestimate the pain, confusion and torment that your dd went through when you left her.
A mother leaving their child is usually very traumatic for the child.
I don’t think her childhood would have been as wonderful as you’re imaging it was.

I agree with others. Try and get her to talk to you about how she really feels. Accept her feelings and don't try and negate them. Have a third person in the room to keep you both calm if needed.

On the chores that need doing to get her allowance ... simple ... she doesn't do them, she doesn't get her allowance. If that means her room is a mess, then just shut the door. It's better than constant arguments.

I think the worst thing you could do now is ‘reject’ her again.
Tell her she can live with you because no matter what she’ll be your daughter. But see if you can both go to family counseling together. I think you need to go with her to help her.
As the pp said you’ve got to fix this with love not cutting her out and pushing her away. Yes you should have and enforce boundaries but your consequences are too severe - try and find other ones (eg no chores no allowance).

Throwing someone out because they’ve not done their chores is such a massive overreaction

She's seen what happens to people who treat me badly...They are no longer in my life

This is awful, she is your DD, she isn’t some bloke who has treated you badly.

Your daughter has two families, her dad, stepmum and siblings. And your relationship.

Why was you calling her stepmum during an argument, seems a aggravating thing to do which of course will escalate the situation, you’re humiliating your daughter.

Tidying her room and not washing up results in being thrown out, again, you seem to reject her a lot. You sound controlling, your way or no way, including your friendships.

Suspect your daughters side if she were to post would be enlighting.

Thank you all for your posts. Even those I didn't want to read. Maybe I do need to take a long hard look at myself and I appreciate all the advice I've been given. I want to fix this which is why I'm asking for help. I'm not perfect but I want to salvage a relationship.

Thank you all of you

*Hi thank you for some good points. A Social worker was involved at the time and she did get counselling. Sadly both her stepmum and me have had her say to us that she "likes the drama and is "the queen of guilt trips"
Both of us. She has been loved in an amicable arrangement by all of us.

She has seen me end friendships/relationships and go nc with people quietly if they took advantage of kindness. I'm not a doormat and I hoped I was teaching her that it's ok to stand up for yourself without drama.

I love her I really do and I hope she can work things out to give her time to do it properly. I will help*

Teenagers can come out with some right clangers. I suspect 'queen of all guilt trips' is one of them and in a couple of years she will look back on that and cringe.

Look at this from her point of view, you left her once and no matter how great her dad and stepmum were and are, they aren't you. Kids want their mum and in her eyes maybe you weren't there for her? Fast forward to now and because she isn't living up to your standards you're 'leaving' her again. She's aware that you will cut people out that 'take advantage of your kindness'. She should never feel that that could happen to her though. It doesn't sound like she feels very secure and is lashing out as a result.

You care. That much is obvious and I don't think you are a bad mother but I do think you may have to accept that while you did what you thought was right, she doesn't view her childhood the way you do.

Cross post OP. I hope you can sort this all out.

I’m not sure if you are just fighting people on here, or if you really are lacking insight into your daughters experience of her childhood.

You may want to white wash the whole thing and declare it perfect with ribbons and bonbons and bows, but you cannot just wipe out her lived experiences because you say so. Or because you wish it was so.

It sounds like she had many great aspects to her childhood, and adults trying hard to give her as much as they had to give at those times. But she also had some significant life events which will have left their mark on her.

And by completely denying her right to have experienced anything but perfection, you may well be causing more of a problem than simply acknowledging these events.

Guilt can be a huge motivator, but it’s probably true that none of these things are your fault.

But the more you shout them down the more it seems you are on the side of the problems, versus the solutions... basically, I think you are missing a trick, and also digging yourself into a hole that doesn’t even need to be dug.

My last thought is that you do keep repeating this point about her having seen you cut people out of your life. You say you are proud of this but because you are repeating it, I think you do know there is a problem.

You may well have shown her how to be a strong woman who takes no shit, but you may also have accidentally left her with the fear that as soon as she pushes on those bonds of love with her mum, she will get the same treatment. This is especially likely in the context of her not having lived with you for a significant portion of her childhood.

Her attachment may well be a little more shaky, as she’s experienced being parted from her mum at a young age before. I’m sorry but that will be a part of her experience, no matter what the other factors involved and the overall good that came out of the situation.

No judgement here ok? Just looking at the circumstances and what children tend to feel.

Your DD is probably being an utter pain in the arse to test the fear she may well have. That the ‘unconditional love’ between parent and child isn’t there for her. That her mum has very strong conditions on her love, and if she pushes on those conditions, she’ll get quietly and coldly cut out of her mums life in the same way she’s seen you proudly do to others.

So being a fiery teenager she acts out to hurry it up if it’s going to happen, to bring on the tragedy rather than stay within the lines and have the appearance of unconditional love when it’s not what it seems.

Sorry all that may be horribly painful to read, triggering probably, but from what you’ve written about your daughters situation and past, and your own responses, that’s what I’m wondering may be at the bottom of it all...

@Wellthisisshit Thank you. Yes that was tough to read but you have many good points in that. An eye opener

It's not just her it's me. I've been a bit selfish so I think I'll need to climb down and ask for some forgiveness from her. I may have done all I could to give her a good childhood but I haven't put myself in her shoes