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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Dd2 doesn't like dd1's boyfriend staying over.

83 replies

avenueq · 03/03/2019 11:42

He stays over maybe three Saturdays a month - arrives about 6 pm, leaves around noon on Sunday.
Dd1 is 17 and off to uni in September, dd2 is 15.
I feel dd2 has to deal with it. I don't think three nights a month is excessive, and when he's here he's very polite, we all have dinner then dd1 and bf do their own thing.
Dd2 says she feels uncomfortable in her own home and therefore I shouldn't allow it so often. But I tell her she'll prob feel differently one day and will want the same or more then.
Also, with dd1 leaving for uni soon I don't want to make her feel unwelcome.
Who do you think is right?

OP posts:
Original poster
avenueq · 03/03/2019 13:34

Thank you cory, I like that

OP posts:
thecutecouple · 03/03/2019 15:42

I'm sorry I doubted you avenueq. Is
your DD2 missing her sister if DD1 spends every weekend with her BF. I would also be concerned that your DD1 is spending a lot of time on her BF and may be neglecting her other friendships. She's young for such an intense relationship. It's fine to be loved up but she should have other interests and friends.

HollowTalk · 03/03/2019 15:47

Is it that she normally spends that time with her sister and doesn't like spending the weekends on her own?

Original poster
avenueq · 03/03/2019 16:14

Thanks cutecouple. She does have other interests and friends. I didn't think one night a week was that much at this age?

OP posts:
Original poster
avenueq · 03/03/2019 16:16

Hollowtalk ironically it's only since dd1 is less available that dd2 says she wants to spend more time with her

OP posts:
GrapesAndCheese · 03/03/2019 16:26

I once walked in on my sisters bf doing her from behind, I must have only been 12. It was awful!

callmeadoctor · 03/03/2019 16:41

Intrigued that the OP is insistent about the fact that they hardly leave the bedroom, but seems to think that her Ds2 can't hear them having sex. I would say that it is obvious why she is uncomfortable, she must be hugely embarrassed about it all!

Original poster
avenueq · 03/03/2019 16:47

To my knowledge it's possible to have sex quietly?

OP posts:
Rtmhwales · 03/03/2019 16:48

If DD2 has been allowed to have friends stay over, I think she's being unreasonable. I'd be more wary of alienating DD1 who's going to be moving out soon.

My mother moved in my brother's girlfriend at 16 because the girlfriend was being physically abused by her step father. I wasn't thrilled with the adjustment at 17, but it's a shared space. DD2 has her own space to retreat to if she needs privacy.

AutumnCrow · 03/03/2019 16:48

OP, you haven't really answered the question about whether your younger daughter is likely to hear them. That seems to be pretty important tbh.

Rtmhwales · 03/03/2019 16:50

And it's possible to have sex quietly. My room was next to my brother's and in the entire nine months the girlfriend lived with us, I never heard her. Just ask your DD2 based on corys script above. Hope it's solved soon.

Original poster
avenueq · 03/03/2019 16:50

I have no indication that dd1 and bf are inappropriate at all. I can't hear a thing even when I walk past the room , other than talking sometimes.

OP posts:
NabooThatsWho · 03/03/2019 17:03

Would you like it if you had to have somebody not related staying in the house nearly every weekend?

Um...OP does have someone not related staying nearly every weekend, and it doesn’t bother her Confused

I think it’s either a control thing with DD2, or she’s jealous that DD1 has a boyfriend.
If she spends the whole time in her room regardless of whether they are there or not, then how can it be making her uncomfortable?

And for the PPs saying that she probably hates the thought of DD1 having sex in the next room, I think she just needs to get over that.
No-one ever likes the thought of their sibling or parents having sex in the next room, but sex is part of life and not a reason to demand that partners aren’t allowed to stay in the house. Obviously if they were being noisy about it then that would need to be dealt with.

Prequelle · 03/03/2019 17:08

I'm a bit Confused at the idea a 15 year old girl is positively mortified at the thought of her sister having sex. In my eyes that's something she just has to suck up. You cant change how people live because you're over imaginative and your imagination is creating things not to your taste. 3 days out of 30 isn't excessive and if the excuse people are using is 'having a stranger in the home too much' well the same should go for the best friend DD2 has over a lot.

Prequelle · 03/03/2019 17:09

cory good post!

Original poster
avenueq · 04/03/2019 07:24

So checked with dd2 again - nothing specific worrying her or upsetting her, just the privacy thing and also spending time withdd1.
So agreed that dd1 will make more effort to spend quality time with dd2.
She has also said she won't see bf next weekend, and in future try to alternate.

OP posts:
Original poster
avenueq · 04/03/2019 07:25

But dd2 will make effort to be more tolerant!

OP posts:
NabooThatsWho · 04/03/2019 07:54

Why does DD1 have to spend more time with DD2? Genuinely curious. The boyfriend was only staying 3 nights a month.

Quartz2208 · 04/03/2019 07:57

If both are happy with every other and making more of an effort to spend time together the other two it sounds as if you did well

I think for the OP it’s about making sure both her daughters feel listened to (however awkward) and their voices heard and viewpoint respected

tattooq · 04/03/2019 08:06

I wouldn't be happy having someone else's boyfriend taking up 3/4 of my weekends. I hate hosting DPs teenage brothers because you just cannot relax with so many people in a small space, only one bathroom between 5 teens/adults would make me a bit panicky tbh. Why can't dd1 stay at the boyfriends house more often? I don't think comparing boyfriends and friends is fair, very different situations.

NabooThatsWho · 04/03/2019 08:23

I don't think comparing boyfriends and friends is fair, very different situations.

How is it different?

I wouldn't be happy having someone else's boyfriend taking up 3/4 of my weekends.

Nobody is ‘taking up’ anyone’s weekend. Other than dinner time, DD1 and the boyfriend are either in the bedroom or out of the house. DD2 stays in her bedroom regardless of whether they are there or not.

I personally wouldn’t make DD1 spend time with DD2, as I wouldn’t want to be told who I have to spend my free time with. But if DD1 is happy with it then no harm done.

Prequelle · 04/03/2019 08:25

Is DD2 lonely? It just seems odd that she's in her room a lot and is so jealous about her older sister not seeing her all the time. Surely she should have her own friends and be going out with them, especially at that age.

siestakey · 04/03/2019 08:27

I can't understand why your daughter wants to have sex in your home anyway- especially when her sister could hear! That's weird.

Only if you're home alone and I'd probably still be uncomfortable (I'm only 3 years older than your daughter).

NabooThatsWho · 04/03/2019 08:30

*I can't understand why your daughter wants to have sex in your home anyway- especially when her sister could hear! That's weird.
*
Hmm she’s 17! Where else is she meant to have sex?!

And her sister has said she can’t hear her. What a weird post.

Prequelle · 04/03/2019 08:33

Obviously in the bushes of a local park naboo, instead of the obvious comfort of her own bedroom!

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