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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Dd2 doesn't like dd1's boyfriend staying over.

83 replies

avenueq · 03/03/2019 11:42

He stays over maybe three Saturdays a month - arrives about 6 pm, leaves around noon on Sunday.
Dd1 is 17 and off to uni in September, dd2 is 15.
I feel dd2 has to deal with it. I don't think three nights a month is excessive, and when he's here he's very polite, we all have dinner then dd1 and bf do their own thing.
Dd2 says she feels uncomfortable in her own home and therefore I shouldn't allow it so often. But I tell her she'll prob feel differently one day and will want the same or more then.
Also, with dd1 leaving for uni soon I don't want to make her feel unwelcome.
Who do you think is right?

OP posts:
Purplepricklesalloverhisback · 03/03/2019 12:02

I would say she has to deal with it since it’s only really a few hours!

If he wasn’t allowed to stay over surely he would still visit on a Saturday night anyway and possibly come over on other evenings?

Does he come round other days/nights too but not stay?

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 03/03/2019 12:02

Of course they should alternate. It can be disconcerting to have a person who’s not a part if a household stay every weekend. At 15 she probably feels self conscious, saying that I would hate a regular guest at weekend at 36! The state of me this morning is not something I wamt people to see Grin

Original poster
avenueq · 03/03/2019 12:03

He lives quite far away so no he doesn't come over any other time, this is the only time dd1 sees him outside of college.

OP posts:
Original poster
avenueq · 03/03/2019 12:04

Thing is we don't see them! They are in dd1's room or out at all times except for Saturday dinner, so it's really only the idea that can bother dd2 because she literally doesn't have to interact with them.

OP posts:
Grandadwasthatyou · 03/03/2019 12:07

I can see your dd2's point entirely. It's probably nothing personal about the boyfriend but at the end of the day it's somebody who is not family being in the house 3 Saturday nights which is 3 weekends out of 4. This is when most families like to relax , hang around in their pj's, just be themselves without having to act slightly differently.
Would you like it if you had to have somebody not related staying in the house nearly every weekend?
As other pps have said a compromise needs to be reached so that dd1 sty's at her boyfriends house some of the time.

SnuggyBuggy · 03/03/2019 12:08

I didn't even have mine over that much when I flatshared, it's a bit much

SheepAnarchy · 03/03/2019 12:09

I think DD2 needs to get a grip.
If nothing specific or worrying has happened, and she is objecting because it just doesn’t suit her, she’s being unfair.
I take it DD1 has never objected to DD2’s friend staying over?

How will DD2 ever learn to live/work alongside others? She needs to be heard and have her feelings acknowledged but she doesn’t get to dictate.

Original poster
avenueq · 03/03/2019 12:13

Sheep, no dd1 really likes dd2's friend.

OP posts:
SheepAnarchy · 03/03/2019 12:20

But if DD1 HAD objected, would DD2 have understood and changed her plans?

HennyPennyHorror · 03/03/2019 12:23

DD2s gay best friend is not the same as a boyfriend.

ElloBrian · 03/03/2019 12:28

Hum. Well. That’s a bit of a drip feed I’m afraid. Has anyone expressed any unhappiness about your DD’s friend staying over?

I think I would ask her what is the difference between a friend of hers staying and your other DD’s boyfriend ....

Original poster
avenueq · 03/03/2019 12:29

Hard to say Sheep, but unlikely.

OP posts:
Original poster
avenueq · 03/03/2019 12:29

No Ello, no one ever objected.

OP posts:
Original poster
avenueq · 03/03/2019 12:30

Henny, why though? If I go by the principle of making those my children are close to feel welcome?

OP posts:
Haworthia · 03/03/2019 12:30

I think I would ask her what is the difference between a friend of hers staying and your other DD’s boyfriend

Isn’t it obvious? DD2 isn’t shagging her gay best friend. If I was 15 and I had to deal with my sibling having sex in the room next door three weekends out of four, I would feel deeply uncomfortable.

NursieBernard · 03/03/2019 12:34

I think I would suggest every other weekend as a compromise and make sure that both DD1 and her boyfriend know that it is nothing against him personally.

cocomelon23 · 03/03/2019 12:39

I feel for dd2. I'd hate to feel like that in my own home. My parents had a 'no boyfriends sleeping over' rule which I am very grateful for. There's nothing worse than a strange person in your house. Can dd1 not go to her boyfriends house some Saturdays?

VioletCharlotte · 03/03/2019 12:39

My DS2 was like this with DS1's gf. I'm not sure what it's all about really. Maybe a big of sibling rivalry. Possibly not feeling comfortable to be themselves. Three nights a week is a lot though and I think I'd find it annoying myself. 1, possibly 2 nights a week would be enough for me.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 03/03/2019 12:41

Alternate Saturdays seems fair. I can understand dd2 POV, but then dd1 should be allowed to have her boyfriend stay over now and then, I don’t think three Saturdays is excessive.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 03/03/2019 12:42

He’s not staying three nights a week violet it’s three nights a month.

Original poster
avenueq · 03/03/2019 12:42

Violet, it's three nights a month not a week

OP posts:
Motherofcreek · 03/03/2019 12:45

Given that she has a male friend staying also over I’d tell her to suck it up.

Crunched · 03/03/2019 12:49

I had exactly this,and I think it came down to DD2 not wanting to ‘share’ her sisters’ attention.
DD1 was really sensitive to her little sisters feelings and made sure she spent one to one time with her and without the bf. DS, between them in age, couldn’t have cared less.
Ironically DD2 is now loved-up and her bf is here constantly. DD1 parted from her bf, and complains she never gets time alone with her little sis!
Like you op, I want my DC’s friends to always feel welcome in our home so I would leave your DDs to communicate and sort the issue themselves.

ElloBrian · 03/03/2019 12:54

“Isn’t it obvious? DD2 isn’t shagging her gay best friend. If I was 15 and I had to deal with my sibling having sex in the room next door three weekends out of four, I would feel deeply uncomfortable.”

Yes I know that. I’m suggesting a way that OP can tactfully draw DD2 out about what’s bothering her, and have a conversation about it so that she can express her feelings and feel supported. I do think DD2’s feelings are of concern but she needs to express them and give her mum a chance to make her feel supported and listened to.

corythatwas · 03/03/2019 13:28

I think you need to have an open discussion with dd2:

dd2 as you know we have allowed you to have your friend staying over

if you now want to ban dd1s boyfriend it must be because there is something different going on here- because you can't seriously expect us to have different rules for the two of you

so to understand your pov I need to understand what makes this different?

is it that you hear them having sex? (be sympathetic if she says yes)

or is it something else about this particular boyfriend?

we need to come up with a house rule that works for both of you now, but will also work the same way when you get your first boyfriend

what do you think that rule should be and why?

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