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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

How do cope with my guilt after throwing my son out?

17 replies

suzywong1967 · 29/01/2019 13:09

Help..I feel like I am losing my mind..as I had to make the awful decision to call the police on my 19 year old son a few weeks ago and ended up refusing for him to come back. This was due to a spirallinguse of alcohol and cannibis and some mental health issues causing very angry behaviour.
However..when he is not drinking..he is lovely, creative,intellegant and just very unhappy.
I am feeling tearful and anxious over my decision and need to talk to soemone about it...
thanks for reading this thread..if you have had a similar experience please get in touch x

OP posts:

Vagabond · 29/01/2019 14:38

Golly, how awful for you. Do you know where he is, and are you in touch with him? I wish I had some advice.... I just wanted to answer you. I'm so sorry you're going through this. One of my friends has just kicked her son (18) for the same reason. I haven't had an update though. Sending you strength.

loulouberry · 29/01/2019 18:18

Hi, having similar problems with my 17yo. Last 12 months been really difficult, failing at college, cannabis use, extreme bad temper, breaking stuff if things aren’t going his way. Isolating himself, won’t come on family holidays, or out for meals. Came to a head yesterday, huge fight with eldest son and dad, spitting, swearing, vile shocking behaviour. Eventually left the house and went to college, stayed at a friend’s last night, minimal contact today and I assume staying with friend again tonight. I want him home but to abide by simple rules-get up for college, be civil, get a part time job. Can’t see a way back from this. Heartbreaking. I feel terrible, not much help to you sorry, I hope you have heard from your son.

Original poster

suzywong1967 · 29/01/2019 19:36

Thankyou for your replies..he is safe as he is staying with his dad in London (I live in South Wales) temporarily to try and sort his head out, but he feels that he is problem to everyone and doesn't belong anywhere..he is also suicidal after drinking, with vile language and abusive comments now as he is angry about being sent away. I have seen him once since as he wanted to collect some clothes and he was really nice and apologetic, but it doesn't last..
He hasn't managed to keep a job or stay in college. I should be relieved that I don't have to deal with the drinking and drugs etc at the moment..but instead feel awful about stopping him from living in his home. I just want him to feel better and get some help but it just makes him angry when anyone suggests it x

OP posts:

Squeegle · 29/01/2019 20:51

I feel very sad for you; but you haven’t stopped him living in his home. It’s his own actions that have caused you to not be able to accept it. He is with his Dad, and that is giving him time to reflect. You can’t make him accept help; only he can do that. And time away from you may give him that perspective. From what you have said that wasn’t happening when he was at home. Don’t feel guilty.

Original poster

suzywong1967 · 29/01/2019 21:38

Thankyou for your wise words... they make me see It in a different way and to feel that it may be the way to help him to help himself..harsh but perhaps good can come out of it in the long run. It makes me feel better sharing my thoughts X

OP posts:

Vagabond · 30/01/2019 14:20

Hiya, I saw my friend today who kicked her soon-to-be 18 year old son out of their house last month because of continued cannabis use and being rude and surly at home. She says he's now home and being much better and they've turned a corner.
He was sofa surfing for a month, taking lots of drugs and getting into a spiral of despair. She found it really hard to have him incommunicado, but her and her husband told him when they kicked him out that he was always welcome home when he could be courteous and a loving member of the family. Just last week, he as on his last legs - strung out from taking drugs and desperate to get home to a safe and loving home. She says he's been great since he's been home. I guess tough love can work sometimes.

Squeegle · 31/01/2019 20:34

It’s so so hard. I hope you are able to find some tranquillity. I have been having a lot of problems with my DS who is 14 and who is smoking weed and generally being obnoxious. I can’t imprison him and I can’t ban him. Someone said to me - how much is your responsibility and how much is his? This really hit homeA even though he is 14 he knows his own mind; all I can do is guide him, tell him what he should do; and the rest is up to him. I guess this is the same even more for your DS. You can’t control him- only he can do that. All the best to you.

pointythings · 01/02/2019 21:03

suzy as the parent of a person with addiction issues, you need to set boundaries - and this is what you have done by not tolerating his behaviour in your house. You're allowed a life of your own. You're allowed to protect yourself and have safety and calm. It is OK for you to set standards that mean you have these things and your DS is the one who needs to change. You are his mum and you love him - but you don't have to love his addiction and enable it.

I would suggest getting support for yourself from somewhere like Al-Anon so that you can hold firm on those boundaries you have set. It is now up to your DS to deal with his substance abuse issues, get clean and rebuild his relationship with you. The guilt is hard, but you have done the right thing.

I have done the same - not with a DC, I cannot imagine how hard that must be, but with my H who was an alcoholic. You have my utmost respect.

Oddcat · 01/02/2019 21:06

Bloody cannabis, causes so many problems with young people. I’ve been through hell with dd because of it.

poobumwee · 05/02/2019 13:37

It sounds like you are really going through it OP.. We have had to call the police numerous times over the last year, as our 16 year old DS is regularly being violent and aggressive. Last week we had to call them again. He has been charged with assault now. Hardest thing we have ever had to do, but we have a DD too and need to keep her safe. Plus our DS needs to understand that we have reached our limit and are no longer willing to live this way. He regularly smokes weed too.

Butterflybelly · 07/02/2019 13:38

I’m going through the exact same thing with my soon to be 17 year old. I’ve not thrown him out yet but I’m not sure I’m doing him any favours by allowing him to stay. Nothing works. He just wants to smoke weed. Everything else just gets in the way of his addiction. I’m now at the stage where I’ve paid off drug deals. I’m a woman on the edge. I’m not sure I’d worry too much if he’s with his dad op. Take time for yourself. Things have a habit of working out.

Arsenal3 · 11/02/2019 19:22

Hi I'm very upset my son 17 won't get off the xbox, on it for 10 hours a day, shouting, swearing, I've lost him to it, have told him if don't change in 6 months when he's 18 he will have to leave. He comes in straight to his room.no talking to me or brothers, it's very sad, how do I get him off it. Went doctor he wouldn't come with me. Asked college for help, but nothing helping, making my life a misery :((((

Arsenal3 · 12/02/2019 20:35

Hi has anyone else lost their child to xbox?fortnight. My son is 17 and on it all the time, rude, swearing, lives in his room, no talking, I've had enough told him change or move out, can't believe I'm saying this :(((

123456itwillgetbetter · 12/02/2019 21:00

Been through this with my son, police, arrests, loss of job, and finally sent him to live with dad. Now out the other side by a few years. He now says if it wasn't for me, he doesn't know what would have happened. I was the only one in his life who set boundaries for him (NO all the grown men In his life, 'boys just being boys' IS NOT HELPFUL) but I did it with love. No matter how bad it got, I always remained in contact and tried to help where I could. So my advice you all of you going through this awful, awful time (I still have nightmares about how close to the edge I was), maintain your boundaries because this is the best thing you can do for them (and you, but we all know we are secondary to a child who is so unhappy). Also seconding a PP, Al-anon is well worth the effort - when you enter the room, you will feel like you have come home - everyone there is going through the same thing, and I literally mean this - the overuse of drugs (and alcohol if that is the issue) result in the same behaviours. That is where I learned to detach with love. They need firm boundaries and a stable home to come back to when they emerge from the chaos. Good luck

Talktalk3 · 28/02/2019 15:37

I have found this thread today and its like reading my life at the moment. I had to ask my 17 year old DS (soon to be 18) leave home yesterday, this is the 2nd time, as 1 month ago it happened and I set boundaries that he could return if his behaviour was better, language, drug use, found (or at least looked) for a job, looked after himself and seeked some help for his obvious issues (food, self harming, drugs, depression, anger) it took a week and then he came back apologised, got an apprenticeship and start to feel that we turned a corner. fast forward, 2 week off work, then lying, trying to borrow money, disappearing late at night, smelling of weed, rude, aggressive, dirty etc -then admitted he lost his job and had been lying for the past 10 days. Cutting himself, threatening if we don't give money he take his life, this has been a nightmare and strained on whole family, one DS moved out and our DD is on verge. So I told him to go yesterday. My heart is breaking as I know is the final time as we cant help him if he wont help himself and until he is ready we have to sit back and watch he destroy his life. This is so hard and reading other stories help, so for the long post x

Blackmagic6263 · 03/03/2019 21:08

I no can sympathise with you I have a teenager daughter now 19 how used to be angry all the time dropped out of school at fifteen I had 3 jobs all she wanted was money of me she is a binge drinker with no job or qualifications she now lives in a hostel 10 miles away from me she has a support worker but there is 20 other adults there with similar issues she needs help i can’t help her every 5 mins it has put a strain on my relationship I work part time now I feel she is a baby in a adult body I wish she could get a good councillor to see every week as I can’t get through to her

Blackmagic6263 · 04/03/2019 20:48

I can sympathise with you I have a teenage girl of 19 who dropped out of school at 15, she was angry most of the time I had 3 part time jobs all she wanted was money she became a binge drinker with no job or qualifications she is lost I met someone who asked me to move in with him l told my daughter I was moving if she wanted to live with me an my boyfriend she either went to college or got a job she just wasn’t interested so when I moved she went to live with her father that lasted 5 months she is now in a hostel 10
Miles away from me I see her 2/3 times a week she is still the same lost in herself I wish she had a good councillor the support workers are good but they have 20 teenagers all struggling

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