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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Suggestions for Persuading my 17 yr old Neice to have TOP (sorry not nice topic)

59 replies

SqueezyDiva · 29/06/2007 23:02

I realise that teenage pregnancy is not the worst thing that could happen to her, but I really do think my neice would be making a BIG mistake if she continues with pregnancy. Currently 6 weeks gone.

Her mum got pregnant at 16 and regretted it. Her mum's mum (my mum) got pregnant at 16 and regretted it. I got pregnant as a teenager, aborted and went on to mature into a sensible person, get a career, get married have a nice life. etc.

I just don't want her to throw away her youth on child-rearing. Not to mention my sister's life who has only recently stopped needing babysitters and is now looking forward to the responsibilities of being a young Granny.

My niece's partner is not offering marriage or any material resources. He is the child of a refugee single mum. He had just got out of a year in prison when he met my neice 2 months ago.

She is 6 weeks pregnant. She is thinking of having the baby as she cannot stomach the idea of killing the embyro.

She's a gorgoeus girl but has the physical and enotional development of a 13 / 14 year old.

Please don't shoot me down if you disagree with me. I just want advice from those with wisdom / insight / experience as to how to get through to her.

Love and peace.

S.D.

OP posts:

gordieracer · 29/06/2007 23:05

You have to let her make her own mind up, I know you have strong feelings about this, but at the end of the day, It's not your decision. Just tell her your experiences and offer suppost whatever she chooses to do.

jeremyvile · 29/06/2007 23:05

Why dont you just run her a nice hot bath and get the knitting needle out?
Shocking.

DarrellRivers · 29/06/2007 23:06

It's her decision
Support her

jeremyvile · 29/06/2007 23:07

Thats what i meant to say.

mummytosteven · 29/06/2007 23:09

you could suggest that she go for independent counselling and/or talk to the midwives/health pros who work with young mothers for her to get an idea of the responsibiities/practicalities of having the child. Ultimately it is her decision; although you have been in her position and don't sound to regret the decision, that doesn't mean that terminating the PG will be the right decision for her.

FlamingTomatoes · 29/06/2007 23:09

My suggestion?

She is an adult. She has adult feelings, and to persuade her to do something she obviously feels is so so wrong would destroy her. You want to destroy a girl you obviously care about?

Greensleeves · 29/06/2007 23:13

bloody hell jeremy, that's a bit strong!

I think you shouldn't try to force your opinions on her - your view that "she'll regret it" is just as narrow and blinkered as her "I can't abort a baby". She may be a wonderful mother and NOT regret it, and still go on to have a career, nice life etc. She may have the abortion under pressure from you, regret it horribly, run into a brick wall of guilt and depression and spend years trying to get over it. There is just no way of knowing, is there?

Just be there for her, be there for your sister, be a sounding board and a shoulder to cry on. IMHO.

SpeccieSeccie · 29/06/2007 23:14

SqeezyDiva - can you talk to her frankly? You don't sound pushy or narrow minded and you don't sound like you're going to railroad her decision so she might respect your input if you can keep the conversation from getting too 'high emotion'.

Have others (her mum or gran) talked to her about their experiences - good and bad? That might at least help her put her decision into perspective.

You obviously have her interests at heart - good luck.

emkana · 29/06/2007 23:15

what greensleeves said, 100 %.

expatinscotland · 29/06/2007 23:17

Afraid it's not your decision and it's wrong to pursuade a person to make such a serious decision.

Original poster

SqueezyDiva · 29/06/2007 23:17

If she decides to go ahead with the pregnancy we will all support her. We have no choice. We are her family, we love her. T
I am seeking advice because I love her and want the best for her. Not because I want to damage her in any way.

As I said it's not the worst thing tht could have happened to her.

But it's obviously better for her life outcomes if she waits before becoming a mother. She lives at home. In her first year of A levels. She has so little life experience. So little esteem (her own words)

Jeremyvile, here are some of the things we have experienced as the children of a mother who made this mistake:

a childhood blighted by extreme poverty

sex abuse by one of mum's boyfriends

no relationship with our dad for 30 years (very hurtful)

difficult relationship with our mother

A sense of shame which is probably no longer as relevant in this day and age but ther you go. It took time for me to grow out of it.

OP posts:

Greensleeves · 29/06/2007 23:19

Squeezy, what you describe is awful, but I know lots of people who can tick all of the same boxes and were wanted, planned babies born to much older mothers. Life just isn't as simple as you are trying to make it.

This decision is one of the most important she will ever make. IMO for the sake of her long-term mental health it is imperative that it is her decision, whether it's the "right" one or not.

expatinscotland · 29/06/2007 23:19

But Squeezy, from your last post, you're projecting all your experiences on her, and that's not good.

You know that.

You don't KNOW that that pattern will be repeated.

mamazon · 29/06/2007 23:20

however logical an argument may be there are times when emotions are just too hard to push aside.

just because it was right for you to terminate doesn't mean it is for your niece. you may be able to look at her situation objectivly and see a smoother path for her future but she needs to make her own way.

by all means discuss her options with her, try and show her how difficult life with a baby may be and how different her life will be but you really can't persuade her to effectivly kill her child if she doesn't want to.

my sister fell pregnant at 16, my parents gave her very little choice in the matter and she had a termination. now at age 21 she is so very gratefull to them for taking the decision out of her hands and making the choice she was just too emotionaly immature to make....BUT she did spend a long time feeling very differently, i am sure there is still a very large part of her that still regrets the way things happened....as im sure anyone that goes through a termination does.

As everyone has already said, you need to be able to support her the best way you can. by telling her she is wrong to continue with teh pregnancy or by pointing out the fact she is possibly not capable of being a good mum wont make her feel she can talk openly with you.

both her mother and grandmother were young mums so she has 2 people who can offer her the best advice, from someone who has been there and done it themselves.

Original poster

SqueezyDiva · 29/06/2007 23:22

Thank you very much for all your comments.

I guess I was looking for someone to give me 'the magic words'.

I can see that 'I love you, whatever you decide' is the only thing I can say.

Also' support my sister best I can is good advice too. Thanks all.

OP posts:

mamazon · 29/06/2007 23:22

squeezy - your experiances of childhood are a mixture of many things....very little of what you have listed can be traced to the fact your mother was young when she gave birth.

SpeccieSeccie · 29/06/2007 23:23

I know it's hard watching someone make a 'bad decision' but it needn't be like that. There are plenty of teenage mother success stories. I'm sorry that your experience hasn't been so good, SqD, but your niece's doesn't have to be that bad. It may not be the misery that you imagine. Especially as she has caring family members looking out for her.

Original poster

SqueezyDiva · 29/06/2007 23:24

Mamazon, I am interested in how your parents 'forced' your sister.

We have no inheritance to withdraw. No loump sums to offer. My sister would not threaten to disown her or anything harsh like that so how do you 'force'????

OP posts:

Original poster

SqueezyDiva · 29/06/2007 23:27

Mamazon, you are right. Youth per se is not the problem. It is the opportunites she is more likely than not to squander should she have the baby.

Youth per se was not my mother's main problem... Lack of esteem, lack of resources, lack of responsible father, and emotional immaturity.

OP posts:

mumeeee · 29/06/2007 23:37

It is her decision. Just be there for her and your sister and support them.

mamazon · 29/06/2007 23:39

They sat and talked AT her for about 48 hours then took her to the clinic.

i think deep down my sister knew it was the right choice but obviously it was still difficult for her.

my family is not rich at all, my mum had me at 17 and we have lived just about on the breadline ever since, but we are all close and we all respect our parents decisions. i think that she probably trusted that they knew best.

as much as we have all had our rebelious stages we have all grown up with a great respect for our parents and the way they have bought us up.
i am sure that if my sister had really put her foot down and said "no im having the baby" my parents would have been as supportive as they could

Greensleeves · 29/06/2007 23:40

Lots of kids squander those opportunities anyway though Squeezy, because they are too young and daft at 16 to take advantage of what's on offer or to consider their futures. It's not usual at all these days for people to put themselves through degrees in their thrities and establish careers later in life. I think you're making yourself panic a bit more than necessary with this black and white thinking. I know you love her and you're anxious, but really there is more than one way to forge a happy/successful path through life. IMO the most important variable is how much love/support/emotional stability and confidence a person has to sustain them, not how old they are when their first child is born.

Tortington · 29/06/2007 23:46

i knw and you know this sn;t the wisest decision.

she doesn't know that and pro;;y won't listen to you. she will lead the next 10 years loving her childnmore than anuything else and qishing she made a different decion - there is nothing you can do, except be supportive.

edam · 29/06/2007 23:52

There may be teenage mother success stories, but for every success there are dozens of people who wish they'd done things differently, to put it mildly. The overall tone of this thread is 'it won't be so bad'. Which is over-optimistic, I feel. Of course the poor kid has to make her own decision, it would be wrong to force her into an abortion she didn't want. But it would be equally wrong not to represent to her just how hard she will make things for herself.

tabither · 30/06/2007 00:04

How dare you

The best thing you can do for this poor girl to to keep the hell away.

And ending your post with love and peace does not change the sentiment.

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