Suggestions for Persuading my 17 yr old Neice to have TOP (sorry not nice topic)

[SqueezyDiva]

I realise that teenage pregnancy is not the worst thing that could happen to her, but I really do think my neice would be making a BIG mistake if she continues with pregnancy. Currently 6 weeks gone.

Her mum got pregnant at 16 and regretted it. Her mum's mum (my mum) got pregnant at 16 and regretted it. I got pregnant as a teenager, aborted and went on to mature into a sensible person, get a career, get married have a nice life. etc.

I just don't want her to throw away her youth on child-rearing. Not to mention my sister's life who has only recently stopped needing babysitters and is now looking forward to the responsibilities of being a young Granny.

My niece's partner is not offering marriage or any material resources. He is the child of a refugee single mum. He had just got out of a year in prison when he met my neice 2 months ago.

She is 6 weeks pregnant. She is thinking of having the baby as she cannot stomach the idea of killing the embyro.

She's a gorgoeus girl but has the physical and enotional development of a 13 / 14 year old.

Please don't shoot me down if you disagree with me. I just want advice from those with wisdom / insight / experience as to how to get through to her.

Love and peace.

S.D.

how dare she waht:? want a better life or her neice

Having recently gone through this myself due to pressure I would say it has to be a decision she makes for herself. I feel a lot of resentment towards those who pushed me into my descision and as it was not what my heart told me to do I am now suffering the emotional consequences. Having a baby so young is a difficult thing, but I promise you so is what I am going through now.
It is not your desicion to make for her.

Good post Edam. SD, I think you should probably show her all the options and make sure she knows that you will support her whatever she does INCLUDING a termination, as others have said. In your position I think I'd try to find someone who is 2 years down the road of being a teenage parent and get them to talk to her. It might make it more 'real.' I doubt she's thinknig beyond 'ah it'll be a baybee'.

(I think some of you are being too hard on SD, I think in some teenage pregnancies termination is the right thing to do)

site for teenagers

Everything everyone else said about unconditional support for your sister and your niece...

However, i think the only real role you can play is in helping her to make a truly INFORMED decision by helping her access as much information/ chat to relevant people etc so she can begin to evaluate hte +s & -s

Also explore ALL the options e.g. has she considered adoption?

Whatever your own thoughts though you need to try to be objective and once it seems she has come to an informed decision support her - whatever that decision is.

What does your sister think she should do?

Thank you so very much to everyone who has given informed advice and input. The website is great. The adoption idea, hitherto unconsidered.

It is really helping me discern what would be the wisest approach in this situation. Now I need to find a teenager who had a baby a few years ago - Pronto!

I hear you Tulip. I do not know how recently / long ago your experience was but it is a reminder that blatant 'forcing' is probably going too far.

None of us ever really thought of adoption..an interesting suggestion but I suspect an unrealistic one. If and when a baby is born no one in the family would advocate giving it up. I think it would be too emotionally unbearable for all concerned.

As some of you are clearly aware, my two sisters and grandmother banging on about their regrets and experiences of teenage single motherhood are falling on deaf ears.

In a way my neice's attitude is, you did it so who are you to tell me not to? Rather than benefitiing from their experience, and not making the same mistakes all over again.

Custardo, Mamzon...really appreciated your inputs too.

My niece had a child when she was seventeen. Fortunately she had plenty of loving support from family and friends.

Now in her mid twenties, she is qualified as a GP. She has also met and married a wonderful man (also a GP). Her now eight year old son has a fantastic life within a large and supportive family.

If the ambition to succeed (sp?!) is there, having a baby at a young age does not necessarily have to equal failure in life. My cousin is proof of that. But the determination has to be there in spades to begin with.

In fact I would argue that due to her circumstances my cousin has had infinitely more support than I have had! (I had my first child in my late twenties).

Edam - good post.

SD - I was in the same position as your niece at 16. With the exception that I wanted my termination. That's a big difference. It was absolutely he right thing for me to do at the time, and I've never regretted it. I was mature enough to see the downside of a teenage pg. I imagine being persuaded into it may leave some long term emotional issues.

It's a good idea to find someone a couple of years down the line if you can but you won't necessarily hear from them the POV you'd like. All you can do is be there I'm afraid.

I think you need to stop trying to make her do what you would do. She needs to do what she would do - otherwise you may find yourself with a teenager who is doing exactly what she wants and refusing to accept support, because she feels it is conditional.

What will you do if the teenage mothers you find are saying things like "Yes, it is hard work, it is no joke, but I would not swap my children for the world, and because I had them young, my figure snapped right back"

because some teenage mothers do think like this about their lives, it isn't all doom and gloom.

Actually my SIL was pg at 16 too. She had her baby - 12 weeks early (because she was so young, she concealed the pg and had little antenatal care) He is visually impaired and has other problems relating to his prematurity. It's been very hard for her.

I agree re giving her all the information she needs to make an informed decision.

Is there any way she can be given the opportunity to speak to young mothers? I know that there are usually special support groups and parenting classes if you are under the age of 20 and pregnant. Perhaps speak to your local health visitor?

A family member of mine had a baby at 18. She loves her daughter but I know she resents her as she wants to live a carefree life like her friends. She was (is) not mature enough to look after a child, and as a result she has a lot of anger and will lash out at anyone and everyone. She feels that she is now 'damaged goods' and that no-one will ever love her because she has a baby.

Her immediate family and us extended family are and always have been fully supportive of her and do all we can to offer help, advice,money, babysitting services etc to help her out.

She said she was treated like a leper in hospital (her words not mine!)and that because she didn't have a partner, she was only allowed to see people during strict visiting times whilst other Mums were allowed to have their partners with them at pretty much any time during the day. She also said the midwives were horrible to her, and treated her like a naughty child.

She has her own council flat, and she works full-time whilst her LO is in childcare. Her parents and older siblings help her out as much as they can to make her life easier.

It's not a tale of woe - but of the real every day issues surrounding a young mother in today's society.

I think my point here is perhaps she needs to be presented with the facts, and if she wants to keep the baby then all any of you can do is mentally prepare her for becoming a parent by offering as much support as you can.

(Just re-read my post - I meant my cousin, not niece. I'm only mentioning it as I refer to her as my cousin later in the paragraph and want to clear any confusion!!)

How about trying to locate one of those baby dolls that you have to look after properly - the electronic ones they give to prospective teenage mums?

If my neice was the type of peson who I thought had, right now in her life, the drive, positivity and innate wisdom to surmount the problems of teen motherhood then I might not be so worried.

Unfortunatley my sweet, troubled neice is somewhat young for her years. In time I am sure she will mature emotionally and grow wiser. I am just worried that with a baby in tow this process will take many years longer. Not such a great situaton for the child in my experience.

Her mother was an irresponsible, angry lasher-outter, for many many years after becoming a young mum. it took a spell in prison before she calmed down and faced up to her responsibilites. I love her dearly of course and she is a good person but her life would have been more rewarding and less troubled if she had waited and matured a little. She has had some truly tough times.

I understand that these sorts of experiences are affecting me, maybe unduly.

My thoughts so far after all this advice is to help my sister gather facts, information, support from the services that exist to help in this situation.

Possibly to book a termination date so she has that real practical option on a particular day if she wants it.

And to do my best to avoid my kneejerk alarm and endeavour to show my neice that I am on her side whatever happens, even whilst believing that a TOP would be the wisest option.

In the grand scheem of things it is a blip of a problem. I am glad that I am hearing this news about her and not that he is maimed or hurt in some way. However, there is a window of opportunity to help her appreciate the true reality of what she is proposing.

The true reality. Being forever connected to the father of this child for instance. Probably a sweet boy too, but having already spent a year in prison for robbery i do not think it looks too good on paper.

I wonder if some of the people who have posted harshly critical comments would want this for their own daughter or neice.

Great suggestions Funkimummy and mild manneredjanitor!

Really good.

Sorry but if she is old enough to have sex, and atleast she told someone she is pregnant rather than hide it, the decision is hers. Wheres the father of the baby? Will he be supporting her?
You might have been happy with your decision to abort your baby, but that might be something she could never live with.

Plenty of us have had children early and still manage to have a good life/carer. With the support of her family she could properly finish her A levels and there is lots of support out there for young mums.
L

Squeezy, your niece is really lucky to have an Aunt like you. Someone who is actually looking out for her best interests.

It's hard enough becoming a first time mother when you're physically and emotionally mature enough to be one, let alone as a child yourself.

I can see why your and your nieces personal experiences would make you look at things the way you do. What has your Sister said about the situation?

What a horrible situation. I don't suppose there are any magic words but, as other people have suggested, the dolls that never stop crying might help.

I think booking a date for the termination against her wishes is really wrong, even if you only mean it to make the choice real for her. If she keeps the baby, it's the sort of thing she might find it hard to forgive. I think I would.

She would have to consent to a termination after seeing a doctor. You can't do it on her behalf.

NKF is right. Also she would have to attend a counselling session with a nurse before TOP could be booked.