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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Christmas Eve and we’ve given up

61 replies

Hen2018 · 24/12/2018 19:45

My 18 year old went to bed at 7pm. I’m just going now.

My 15 year old is so unremittingly spiteful and nasty that we can’t bear the thought of spending the evening downstairs with him.

The main taunts this evening are that his new Christmas Eve pyjamas, the stuffing today, the stuffing put out for tomorrow, me, my financial situation, the possible stocking fillers and his small monetary present are all “shit”.

He’s got tickets to watch his football team on Boxing Day and I spent 10 minutes chasing him while he threatened to tear them up. I’ve given up so I don’t know where they are now.

If I try and punish him he’ll get worse, louder, violent and break stuff - and decorations and other people’s presents are within reach.

Been in to say goodnight to my 18 year old (at bloody 7.45!) and am now crying in my room. I probably haven’t cried in 8 years.

OP posts:
BlessYourCottonSocks · 24/12/2018 19:48

I'm really sorry. That sounds hideous - has he always been dreadful - or has this just hit with the teenage years?

I would have let him tear up his tickets and miss out if I read that correctly.

Hope you have a better day tomorrow.

Original poster
Hen2018 · 24/12/2018 19:53

He’s been difficult for about a year. He’s diagnosed with ASD but sometimes I wonder if that’s right. His dad is probably a psychopath (large police record, hugely violent, we all moved to a refuge when my younger son was 1) and sometimes I wonder if my younger son is actually like that too.

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Knittedfairies · 24/12/2018 19:55

That sounds awful OP💐 If he tears up the tickets he won’t be going to the match; actions have consequences. I wouldn’t bother with new pjs next year, nor a stocking.

Original poster
Hen2018 · 24/12/2018 19:58

Thank you, both.

He’s critical like this every day and has recently become like some sort of “gourmet” over meals and how I prepare them - that’s really annoying! And everything I cook is “shit”, apparently.

It’s just worse because it’s Christmas Eve and I’ve put more effort in than normal which is now being belittled and criticised in great detail.

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PooFlower · 24/12/2018 19:59

Have you looked into developmental trauma OP? It fits in with what you have said about his Dad.
There is a facebook group for theraputic parenting. It is excellent for these kind of situations.

Loveweekends10 · 24/12/2018 20:01

Poor you. Have you got a friend you can just call on?

bobstersmum · 24/12/2018 20:03

I'm sorry you're having a shit time op. You've done your best and it sounds like a fab job. Hopefully they'll both wake up tomorrow and realise how lucky they are.

Original poster
Hen2018 · 24/12/2018 20:04

I know of it. He is always a step ahead of me so says things like “is this a new child rearing technique you’re trying out?”

He hasn’t seen his father this year and missed about 3-4 years of contact growing up (ex husband’s choice). It was very minimal anyway.

Diagnosed with non specific learning difficulty at 4 then ASD at 9. The learning difficulty was crossed off his list at 7 when he learned to read in 3 weeks during the summer holiday. In set 1 for everything except maths (set 2 for that) and that’s with no effort or homework ever really.

He won’t engage with any other adults AT ALL apart from occasionally my brother. As in, doctors, teachers, dentists - anyone.

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Original poster
Hen2018 · 24/12/2018 20:07

No friends within driving distance as they’re all people I knew decades ago before I met my ex husband. I haven’t had a night out since August 2012.

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Original poster
Hen2018 · 24/12/2018 20:08

Bizarrely, I’ve been trying to contact the local Carers Association but I can’t receive phone calls while my son is here because he wrestles the phone from my hand! Have had no other support to speak of but thought about Carers about a fortnight ago.

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Groovee · 24/12/2018 20:09

Hugs to you @Hen2018 x

PickAChew · 24/12/2018 20:10

Christmas is awful for a lot of people with asd. Too much out of routine and too many things that don't make you as happy as the hype should suggest.

DS1 has nothing wrapped, just a few familiar, regularly used items in a bag plus cash that he will put towards a goal that we've already discussed and researched together. It puts him in control.

Your DS's behaviour sounds bloody awful but I don't get why you were chasing him. That's just going to stress him out more, rather than deescalate.

imaflutteringkite · 24/12/2018 20:12

He sounds like my child who has PDA, might be worth having a google of that to see if it maybe fits?

I don't have any advice for managing though I'm afraid, we're still struggling along too.

Thanks
crocsaretoocoolforschool · 24/12/2018 20:13

Sounds very similar to my dd who has PDA type autism

Very heavy impact of anxiety and is often aggressive (verbally mainly but occasionally physically)

Can't have visitors/phone calls etc and don't even try anymore

You aren't alone here

Original poster
Hen2018 · 24/12/2018 20:13

sigh

Not LITERALLY chasing him, I don’t live in Kevin McAllister’s house! More like moving around the lounge occasionally jumping up try and reach them from his outstretched arm.

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Original poster
Hen2018 · 24/12/2018 20:13

School thinks he has PDA but they don’t diagnose that here.

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Whatififall · 24/12/2018 20:14

I’m so sorry, that sounds truly awful for you and your older child.

Have you spoken to school about him? Is there anything pastoral that they could offer? Could your brother have a strong chat with him over the holidays?

imaflutteringkite · 24/12/2018 20:16

Yeah they don't diagnose it here either. Which is frustrating as it is obvious. There is an excellent PDA book, I've not got it to hand but I think it's called Understanding Pathological Demand Avoidance in children. It was literally life changing in giving us techniques to help cope at home.

Original poster
Hen2018 · 24/12/2018 20:16

He has an EHCP but won’t talk to anyone at school. His specialist teacher tries from time to time. My son called him a “silly little man” last week.

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missyB1 · 24/12/2018 20:19

Why did you chase him? I’m pretty sure that would have just egged him in wouldn’t it? I would have let him rip up the tickets.
When he criticises your food, refuse to cook for him for 24 hours (he’s not going to starve). He needs to learn by consequences. When he’s just shouting insults for the sake of it ask to to shut up or leave the room, if he refuses remove something he values.
Asd or not you cannot allow yourself and your dd to be bullied in your own home.

picklemebaubles · 24/12/2018 20:20

Hen, this isn't a criticism but a suggestion. When you engage with him when he is melting down, you unintentionally feed it. Rather than trying to get and protect his tickets, better to leave him to it. Whether it's AD, ASD or PDA the same techniques work.

picklemebaubles · 24/12/2018 20:21

Don't engage when he is being unpleasant, it just fuels the fire.

Original poster
Hen2018 · 24/12/2018 20:21

I didn’t chase him.

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missyB1 · 24/12/2018 20:23

In your OP you said you spent 10 minutes chasing him? I’m not criticising but I’m saying that’s giving him lots of attention for negative behaviour.

Original poster
Hen2018 · 24/12/2018 20:24

@missy

If I didn’t feed him for 24 hours, apart from that being a really weird thing to do, he would eat raw food from the larder. When he was young, if he had to wait too long for dinner, he would panic and grab and eat raw dried pasta, rice etc.

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