Christmas Eve and we’ve given up

[Hen2018]

My 18 year old went to bed at 7pm. I’m just going now.

My 15 year old is so unremittingly spiteful and nasty that we can’t bear the thought of spending the evening downstairs with him.

The main taunts this evening are that his new Christmas Eve pyjamas, the stuffing today, the stuffing put out for tomorrow, me, my financial situation, the possible stocking fillers and his small monetary present are all “shit”.

He’s got tickets to watch his football team on Boxing Day and I spent 10 minutes chasing him while he threatened to tear them up. I’ve given up so I don’t know where they are now.

If I try and punish him he’ll get worse, louder, violent and break stuff - and decorations and other people’s presents are within reach.

Been in to say goodnight to my 18 year old (at bloody 7.45!) and am now crying in my room. I probably haven’t cried in 8 years.

I really think you’re wilfully misunderstanding this, Missy.

How can I move a 12 stone 15 year old from a room? Why would he “shut up” because I asked him to?

If I took something valuable if his, he would smash something much more valuable of mine, or punch me in the head.

Poor you , can you contact social services and get a respite placing for him to allow yourself some rest ?

I don't care if he has a learning difficulty, if he's violent towards you that's a form of domestic violence. I feel really sorry for you. Take away his gifts, don't cook for him. Actions have consequences. He's 15, he can start learning to cook his own meals if he thinks yours aren't up to his standards. He won't starve. Sorry you're going through this.

If he punches you then you call the police. He needs to learn that his behaviour has consequences

If he has PDA normal parenting techniques will make things much much worst.
The behaviour comes from high anxiety and a desperate need to be in control.

Can we all stop piling on OP here

Few facts

Add and pda strategies are not the same thing and are not interchangeable

A young person with pda can actually go for days with no food or drink on pure will power alone

Removing objects will escalate the situation and the OP is is under threat in that situation

The police are not trained to deal with neurodiversity

Moving on

Talking to your child is the way forward but not when in a heightened stare which he clearly is tonight -tonight is about damage limitation

It's incredibly difficult when they won't talk to anyone but people 'appointed' camhs, pastoral etc are often the people that our young people reject as relationships need to be based on mutual respect

Assumed respect due to position will not wash with them

Thank you, Croc.

I am in the process of ordering the helpful book recommended by a PP.

My eyes are still swivelling slightly at not cooking for him for 24 hours and TOUCHING HIS THINGS....

If you did not cook for him for 24 hours, would he be violent towards you? If not, he would be okay. He is 15, not a tiny child. He is able to get food himself.

It sounds awful, OP. Awful for your older child, too.

Does he hurt either of you physically?

I know this is an unpopular thing on here but I would be telling social services that I couldn't cope and would be asking for them to take over his care. I lived like that with my brother and spent my childhood just wanting to die. I couldn't go through it again.

The book is useful, as is The Explosive Child.

My ds who I described above has strong lda traits and is extremely anxious and withdrawn. He is also violent, when out of his comfort zone. It goes completely against the grain as a loving parent, but wanting your ds to appreciate the food you serve him and the gifts you give him is making the exact demands that he seeks to avoid. It's putting pressure on him and he's going to push against that, even if it is something to do with his favourite football team.

Pda. Not Ida. Stupid phone.

I’ve read the Explosive Child.

Except threatening to tear up his tickets does not sound like anxiety, but like taunting his mother.

Another good fb page is "Breaking the Silence on SEND VCB".

Sending you hugs, OP, I've been there (but with a younger child).

Is he violent with teachers who make demands? Because if he is not, the he is choosing when to be violent.

Aww bless you!!! Our eldest 2 (eldest has undx ASD and ds has ADHD) had massive argument tonight. Had me crying. Eldest with asd - so critical...!!! I think you need more support with the asd. Xmas is really stressful for most people with asd and I suspect this is coming into play. Try stay calm. Tomorrow is another day! The calmer you stay the calmer things will be (I’m sure you know that!!)

I have a violent child. The reasons are known. People have no idea what it is like and the usual parenting strategies don't work
Christmas you just need to get through as best you can
Have you heard of non violent resistance NVR? You would need to get funding from SS. Do you have input from SS?
I think NVR would give you back some control and strategies to manage the behaviour

The NVR book is well worth a read, I'm currently half way through.

You need a lot more help and support.

No, I’ve never heard of non violent resistance. Not that I’ve ever used violent resistance, I hasten to add!

Never had an dealings with social services.

No dealings with SALT or any other NHS people since year 7 as he won’t engage.

Yes, he’s violent with other people and teachers.

You need to start bringing other people into this, OP. It's horrible trying to deal with things on your own. You need professional support.

I would start with reporting any violence to the police every single time. There's no point in telling the police later that he's often violent towards you - you need it on record every single time.

I'd be hesitant in involving the police as they unfortunately mostly have no idea about PDA strategies and it's likely to escalate the situation rather than help. I've heard good things about NVR but I've not done it myself so not sure if it's PDA specific or not.