I hate my son

[SerenStar0]

My 12 year old son is nothing but trouble. He’s always in bother at school, angry and abusive in school and at home. Refuses to do anything he’s told. Spends most of school in internal exclusion - yesterday other children were annoying him so he cut some poor boys head phones wire with a scissors then cut a girls hair. She was crying on the phone to her Dad.

Doesn’t respond to any punishment such as having stuff taken away or being grounded- he doesn’t care about consequences.

His latest antic is refusing to get up for school. My DH is constantly stressed and so am I. Last few days he has pretended to go to school then gone to the park to meet with other undesirables to smoke and drink. Now he just refuses to go.

I try and talk to him and he just tells me to F off. My other children are lovely.

Referral to Cahms just bounced back and he refuses to engage with a counsellor.

He hates me and his Dad and now I hate him. I’m thinking of contacting social services to see if they will take him away. He is a horrible human being and can’t help but wish he was never born.

[wizzywig]

Has he always been like this?

[Qcumber]

Gosh OP I'm so sorry it sounds awful
I think calling SS is a good idea. Not to have him taken away I don't think you really want that, but they'll be able to offer you lost of support and put you forward to other services which can offer help.
It sounds really really tough but it sounds like you're a great mum who cares or you wouldn't be reaching out for help. Good luck x

[SnuggyBuggy]

Didn't want to read and run. Is there any chance of getting him in to some sort of counseling to see if he could learn some sort of empathy?

[Qcumber]

Wow first two posters really stuck the boot in. How vile. What a horrid way to treat someone asking for help. We've all had times where we say things we don't mean when we're very upset. So cruel and unnecessary.

[YeTalkShiteHen]

You need outside support OP, has he been to the GP? Are there underlying issues you suspect need to be diagnosed?

It sounds like you’ve all ended up in a vicious cycle of anger, stress, punishments and are all at the end of your tether.

Can the school offer any suggestions of support local to you?

Is he able to articulate why he does the things he does? Not that I’m excusing any of it, but he sounds like a very angry wee boy, and if you can get to the bottom of it, life would improve for all of you.

[tamzinro]

@SerenStar0 I can understand your frustration, I have been there , it's like everything we do for them and they make our lives hell . My eldest has also made me ill and still making me ill but we have to bear in mind they have a behavior disorder , talking things out is really great even for the short -term in our situation . Have you tried having a heart -to -heart with him and then maybe you will understand a bit better

[HairyButtMonkey]

I agree contacting social services is a good idea. They may have access to other tools that could help you. If he's skipping school to smoke and drink in the park, he'll be on their radar before too long anyway.

You are a good mum who needs help not nasty comments from other mumsnetters. Good luck 💐

[Oakmaiden]

Begone

Or maybe she feels that way because despite the love and care she has always had for him, he has turned into a teenage she just doesn't recognise, who refuses to engage with her and who verbally abuses her?

It isn't an area where I have any helpful advice, and clearly that is what you really need. It might be worth talking to SS - maybe not to have him taken away (I assume that that is your stress and misery talking, rather than what you really deep down want) but to see if there is any advice they can give you about parenting children who have morphed into unpleasant youths...

[tamzinro]

@SerenStar0 I think my son has little empathy and that is genetic ... I have learned this from talking to him , only therapy can improve things but it's a tough slog parenting a child with no concern for others and no cure

[IfNotNowThenWhen1]

I can understand how you feel, especially as it's escalated. We are none of us robots and children can behave in very hurtful ways.
Keep pushing for an assessment, get as much help as you can find.
Meantime, try and reset the clock to zero. Try and let go of the resentment and past actions and love bomb him. Praise ANY positive behaviour, however small.
When you get trapped in a negative cycle it's really hard sometimes ro get out of it, and if your son feels hated by everyone he will continue to act out. In my experience, positive reinforcement is the only thing that helps (gradually).
Don't say things to him you don't really mean. The problem could be something you don't even know about so try and stay calm while it's investigated. Keep talking, and venting, to others but not to him. He needs your help. X

[mikado1]

I have no huge advice but I feel greatly for you. Here's my tuppence worth from your post, he sounds very angry and disconnected. Can you both dig deep and really try to meet him and help him? You've said consequences etc don't work so I'd throw them out of the equation, even though I know you want to show him and teach him a lesson etc, I really do get it.

I'm assuming no SN or LD btw as you've not mentioned.

You know the saying 'The children that need love most ask for it in the most unloving of ways,' it sounds twee maybe but it rings true again and again ime. I'd get on his side, wipe the slate clean, tell him you're frustrated and confused but you love him and want to help him. Let him talk and listen without judgement and then I would give all I could to investing in your relationship, not allowing terrible behaviour but acknowledging feelings, stating limits etc. Take a huge deep breath.now, let out your massive anger and probably sadness and frustration, talk here or to someone who'll listen without judgement, say what you feel like doing and saying to him, but don't. Let it out. And then get back to parenting him and being the calm, unruffled parent he needs.

I have a very strong willed ds who I roared at earlier , it is a thing, and you've got to give and give and give with them, it's tough and constant. I read a link wrt a much younger destructive child, I'll find it, it gives the idea of connection and understanding etc that it sounds like he needs. Many will disagree and advise punishments etc but I think it will only lead to further resentment and frustration. Give it a go maybe and see if it helps.

[minniebow]

It's worth contacting them for help, although they may end up 'taking him away' even if you don't ask them to so there's always a risk. I hope you get through this and create a good relationship with your son!

[mikado1]

www.janetlansbury.com/2018/10/destructive-behavior-why-it-happens-and-what-we-can-do/

[notacooldad]

Mybe he’s acting out because you think he’s a horrible human being who was never born
No wonder he's so unhappy with a mother like you
Jesus wept, what a nasty vile statement.
I've worked with enough kids over the last 30 years to have seen the most caring of parents destroyed by their child and when the root of the problem is discovered it is not the patents fault. However marriages have been broken up, other siblings childhoods have been ruined and houses have been smashed up and two no fuck all's come out with ridiculous statements to put a parent down.

Maybe social services would be an idea, not to take him away, although I do understand your feelings at this moment in time but to offer support through either youth provision or a support unit setting.

I don't think there is going to be a quick fix but this situation won't last forever. Hang in there

Shame on you.

[IfNotNowThenWhen1]

Well said notacooldad

[DioneTheDiabolist]

I'm sorry you and your family are having a difficult time OP. You say that he refuses to engage with a counsellor, that doesn't surprise me. Often when teens and preteens are in a room with an adult to "talk" they are expecting a telling off.

Art therapy and mentoring (like the Big Brother/Sister programmes) can be much more beneficial.

[Failingat40]

I can empathise here @SerenStar0

Please know that you don't actually hate your son, you only hate the way he's been behaving.

There's probably a lot to unpick here but what I will say is the Social Work taking him away is highly unlikely to happen and if it did is an incredibly slippery slope for a teenager.

He is more likely to have abandonment issues on top of being surrounded by other 'damaged' kids who've been hardened by the system.

A few questions if you are in a position to answer;

1). You mentioned your dh - is he ds father?
2). What age did the problems start with him?
3). Does he ever seem able to control his behaviour?
4). How is his sleeping and eating habits?
5). Has he been tested for things like dyslexia?

Could he be being bullied at school? The cutting of the hair and cables were extreme but couldn't have happened without some kind of trigger first surely?

Camhs is overloaded and bursting at the seams. Just because they've punted him away doesn't mean he doesn't have a diagnosable problem.

Don't give up on your son, he's still so young and needs your unconditional love and support now more than ever.

There is something causing this.

[notacooldad]

It's worth contacting them for help, although they may end up 'taking him away' even if you don't ask them to so there's always a risk. I hope you get through this and create a good relationship with your son!flowers

Bloody hell , calm down. Where exactly are they going to take him too? That is a long way off. There's is huge shortage of places for young people to go and it costs LA's a fortune. They prefer to keep families together with support rather than break them up.

We have kids who are on Child Protection at the moment and they are not being removed instead other measures are being put in place to try and see the situation.

[PaddyF0dder]

I work in CAMHS myself.

He wouldn’t be for us based on that information. Sounds behavioural or developmental, and I’d wonder about his educational needs. No reason to think he’s mentally ill.

He’s essentially outside parental control, so it absolutely should be a job for social work. Also worth thinking about whether he has educational difficulties.

[SerenStar0]

I’ve taken him to the GP, ed psych also referred us to Cahms but it wasn’t important enough to get an appointment.

He is my first born - I loved him with every bit of my heart. He was showered with love from both me and his Dad. We have shown him nothing but love and support throughout his life.

We’ve never got anything back - just abuse. He clearly is angry and full of hate. Nobody knows why, he won’t engage with anyone- just swears and pushes everyone away.

He’s splitting my family up that’s why I hate him. My other children are scared of him. My walls and doors have punch holes in.

Police were called a month ago when he pushed me down the stairs. He didn’t care - police officer couldn’t get over his attitude.

He clearly has no empathy and doesn’t want to be with us anyway.

[notacooldad]

To be clear the 'shame on you' was to the other posters, not the OP.
I'm sorry OP, if it looks like that.

[SerenStar0]

Yes he does have educational difficulties- he can’t do any of the work