I hate my son

[SerenStar0]

My 12 year old son is nothing but trouble. He’s always in bother at school, angry and abusive in school and at home. Refuses to do anything he’s told. Spends most of school in internal exclusion - yesterday other children were annoying him so he cut some poor boys head phones wire with a scissors then cut a girls hair. She was crying on the phone to her Dad.

Doesn’t respond to any punishment such as having stuff taken away or being grounded- he doesn’t care about consequences.

His latest antic is refusing to get up for school. My DH is constantly stressed and so am I. Last few days he has pretended to go to school then gone to the park to meet with other undesirables to smoke and drink. Now he just refuses to go.

I try and talk to him and he just tells me to F off. My other children are lovely.

Referral to Cahms just bounced back and he refuses to engage with a counsellor.

He hates me and his Dad and now I hate him. I’m thinking of contacting social services to see if they will take him away. He is a horrible human being and can’t help but wish he was never born.

I find it shocking that everyone seems to be washing their hands of a 12-year-old, however adversarial he is. OP I'm assuming you've been to the GP and begged for help? If not, please do this. Your own mental health sounds like it's suffering and your other DC are living in fear, but your DS is only 12. That's so young! He sounds like he may well have a diagnosis of some kind for his behavioural problems + a learning disability - or maybe his learning is impacted by his inability to behave or engage at school? Who knows? Without proper help you're not going to get to the bottom of this issue, but it could be that he needs medication to help him focus and calm down and until he does this then no one is going to be able to deal with him. Please don't give up on him - he sounds foul - but if you do then I doubt anyone else is going to fight for him and help to figure out why he's behaving in such an abysmal manner. for you.

I also agree that you need counselling and support, and that you matter too OP.

I would imagine he struggles with schoolwork and misbehaves so that nobody notices the problem. Then he misses classes and struggles even more. School must be a nightmare for him, really - he wouldn't understand anything that's going on because it will be building on what happened in class when he wasn't there.

Gosh op this sounds so hard on all of you. Has this been the situation since birth ? How was Primary school ? Because the total lack of empathy, the violence, the difficulties with school work, this all is very serious and yet it seems as though he has had no proper assessment when it is clear something is terribly wrong. He is still a very young boy but he will soon be a teenager, and this could end up with him hurting someone very badly.
It sounds form your posts as though he hasn’t had any major trauma that could have triggered this. If he has a learning difficulty then perhaps he is constantly frustrated and feels worthless. Any issues with his birth ? Do you think he is on the autistic spectrum ?
I really feel for you and I’m not surprised you are at the end of your tether. You all need much more help than you are getting and he needs a proper assessment. I have no experience of this, but others will. Could you afford getting him assessed privately ?

Has he seen an Educational Psychologist at school? Might be helpful. I definitely would be contacting Social Services to ask for help, not to 'take him away' (and explain that to him) although I understand why you feel like that at times, just for some advice and support.

DS (13) is an occasional school refuser and often won't do anything I tell him, although is never violent. One of the girls in his year sounds similar to your son and social services are involved for advice/support and occasional respite, she stays with a foster carer occasionally. Her mum has given up work as she couldn't cope. Has been referred to CAMHS also.

Must be very difficult

We were having counselling- Ds had a total of 3 appointments- we received a text from the counsellor yesterday saying that he wasn’t engaging and unfortunately she didn’t feel she was able to help because of this.

Been to the GP, Cahms referral bounced back.

Just received text from school- he’s stormed out again. He’s turned his phone off so I can’t contact him- there’s no way forward with this - clearly this child is incapable of learning from mistakes and cannot make positive decisions.

You cannot help someone who does not want to be helped

It sounds like the GP needs to refer to a paediatrician for further investigation.

I don’t really have advice. I just wanted to offer support. What I’m reading here is that you and your ds are talking two different languages and neither one can understand. So he’s upping the anti and you’re fighting him. So you need to find a way to stop the fight.

I agree with YeTalkShite. School is a waste of time if he learns nothing. I really think you need to find some common ground to work from the bottom up. School isn’t working for him. Maybe this is a place to start.

Sounds like he has Emotional and Behavioural Difficulties (EBD), a referral to an Educational Psychologist would help and should then get 1-1 help in school with a plan of how to help him manage his behaviour.

I imagine he can’t see how anything can help. Either because he isn’t mature enough or capable of thinking in those terms, or because he is so demoralised and angry that he can’t see a way forward.
I am also horrified that you’ve had so little support for such a young boy when it is clear there is something very wrong.

Yes he’s been difficult since birth. Always needed constant attention and entertaining.

Always hated school and authority- terrible sense of entitlement and arrogance.

My other children are the complete opposite- always telling me they love and adore me, well behaved etc

DS tells me he thinks I love his siblings more but of course I don’t and have never given him any reason to think that. I just don’t understand - maybe there was a mix up at the hospital and I took the wrong child home - he’s not like my child he’s like an alien I do not recognise or want. His siblings hate him too now

Yes he’s been difficult since birth. Always needed constant attention and entertaining

You need to go back to the GP and demand a referral. There is something else going on with your son.

@SerenStar0 I just wanted to say my heart goes out to you. My DH's cousin was exactly as you describe when he was younger and is just starting to make improvements now at 18. It impacts the whole family so much and I really want you to know that how he is acting now is not a reflection of you or your love for him. You know you don't hate him you just cannot cope and he cannot cope - whatever is underlying what is happening that much is clear.
I think the best thing would be to contact SS - I really don't know how they work/how much help they give now but they were a big help for the family.

OP I have no advice..just a handhold because my son is similar and I've tried everything. He has me in tears so often and has no remorse at all. We've been down the GP route, counselling,CaHMS.. and yes love bombing,rewarding...I feel hopeless and helpless. So youre not alone ( I know that doesn't help). You're not a bad parent,far from it,please don't listen to any of the PP who say that. You're at the end of your tether..as anyone would be

he’s not like my child he’s like an alien I do not recognise or want.

Im sorry but that is awful. Where does a child go from here?

He was like this from birth. He is not choosing to be this way, he needs help!

The more you post the more I think you're just looking for a way out of any parenting responsibility for him now.

It sounds like he could have some kind of ADD/ADHD learning difficulties. Poor lad.

Well I can understand why his siblings hate him. It is very hard on them, he must take up so much emotional energy. I imagine they are really scared of him and frightened that he might hurt you. It is a terrible situation.
Does your GP know he pushed you down the stairs ?
Op it sounds as though you have really done your best and you are a loving family but something has gone very wrong, either your son has some problems with the way he is wired, no empathy, learning issues etc, or his learning difficulty has caused a lack of self esteem that has now led to this. What do you think is wrong ?

I'm stunned that CAHMS (and posters on here) can say oh that's behavioural and not mental health!
Does this boy sound mentally healthy??
It might be that he has educational difficulties, but so do lots of kids, and you don't sound like an unsupportive family.

You all need help asap, not pushed away from one service to the next.

Op - everyone else doesn't have perfect children. There are lots of people with problems who might not admit it, I applaud you for your brutal honesty - that obviously comes from a place of absolute desperation.

None of this means you are a bad parent. None of it.

SS seems like the logical step. You SHOULD come here for support and it be a safe space, you are obviously stressed to the max.

Hang on in there lovely. 💐💐💐

I have problems with my daughter and I sometimes feel like you do.
It really grinds you down the constant problems and worry over what is going to happen next.
To the smug posters slating the op: Until you have experienced it you will never understand. When all usual parenting methods do not work and you have read every book and tried every method going, it can have a devastating effect on the whole family.
Serenstar01 : I have felt like you although I have never showed it. I do the opposite in fact, I 'lovebomb' my daugher and have reduced expectations to a few non- negotiables. This is to avoid getting into a horrible negative cycle of punishment and defiance.
All sanctions are bite sized eg 'you wont be able to go out for one or two days because of X and if your behaviour improves it will be for the shorter period.
We take each day as it comes as my daughters behaviour would deteriorate if I grounded her for a month or similar. I use natural consequences and positive reinforcement too.
Despite all this we still have problems.
Have you asked for a referrals to see if there is an underlying SEN. There definitely is in my daughters case but the process is ridiculously slow and taking a long time.
Be kind to yourself.

Falling - yes I know it’s awful- I hate myself for hating him.

I just can’t help how I feel. Years of abuse aggression and rejection have made me how I feel

This sounds awful for you. A friend was in a similar situation - she has 5 children, of whom 4 are lovely and one just like your son, right down to the hanging around in the park instead of going to school. Absolutely awful and abusive to her younger siblings, constantly suspended from school etc. Same age as well.

She has just been diagnosed with a complex combination of ADHD and ASD/ODD. Her mum had to fight tooth and nail to get this diagnosis though and had no support from the school - you might have to prepare for a long campaign if you decide to try this route. Best of luck.

Yes he’s been difficult since birth. Always needed constant attention and entertaining

You need to go back to the GP and demand a referral. There is something else going on with your son.

Totally agree with this^

I feel for you and your family. I pray he changes for the better. I feel like yes he's different to the rest of the family but being different isn't always a bad thing. Of course if it's bad behaviour then the behaviour is bad but we have to cater for the different people in our society, in our homes. School is there and most people go, many people don't gel with the school system but because it's expected of society as a whole, it's difficult for the ones not agreeing with it to speak out.
I can imagine the frustration he feels for being in a school which isn't helping him impacting his behaviour. How else will anyone listen to him?
I'm not sure if your working situation but before he is excluded you can turn it into a positive or try to. Deregister him (a simple letter to the school, make sure you get a receipt).

Then it's a period of unschooling. No work expected from him. He just needs to shake off everything from school.

This takes a few months. After that, facilitate his learning. It does not need to be worksheets at all. Kids learn in all different ways which are not work based and within four walls. They can go outside and learn. Even shopping is learning.

Perhaps his style of schooling may be practical. Does he have interests in sports or anything else that's physical? He could be an assistant to a coach and maybe get a role model outside of the home like that. There are possibilities, they just need to be explored away from the general society stuff that most people do.

At first he may not react to it well but eventually he may change and I really hope he does. It has to be no pressure and no expectation of work. There are groups I've seen do this and if you want more info send me a message. He is your baby and always will be and a mother's hope can never be underestimated. You can do this and be the one who brings him back to happiness. I know you feel like you can't take anymore but you've already got to where you are today.

I’ve been to the GP at least 3 times and been told this referred needs to come from school

What do school say?

Referrals for additional needs don’t need to come from school, the GP needs to do that. If it’s a referral for an educational need, school need to do that.