I hate my son

[SerenStar0]

My 12 year old son is nothing but trouble. He’s always in bother at school, angry and abusive in school and at home. Refuses to do anything he’s told. Spends most of school in internal exclusion - yesterday other children were annoying him so he cut some poor boys head phones wire with a scissors then cut a girls hair. She was crying on the phone to her Dad.

Doesn’t respond to any punishment such as having stuff taken away or being grounded- he doesn’t care about consequences.

His latest antic is refusing to get up for school. My DH is constantly stressed and so am I. Last few days he has pretended to go to school then gone to the park to meet with other undesirables to smoke and drink. Now he just refuses to go.

I try and talk to him and he just tells me to F off. My other children are lovely.

Referral to Cahms just bounced back and he refuses to engage with a counsellor.

He hates me and his Dad and now I hate him. I’m thinking of contacting social services to see if they will take him away. He is a horrible human being and can’t help but wish he was never born.

School have referred ed psych he has an appointment next week, knowing our luck he’ll play truant on the day of his assessment- he was seen previously by another ed psych which is where the referral for Cahms came. But the referral has been discarded and the previous ed psych has suddenly left so not really sure what happened

The G.P referred us the the paediatricion although in some areas it is CAMHs who assess. It is a long process and 12 months later we still do not have a diagnosis. At least we are in the system though.
If you ring social services, they will probably have an early help hub or startwell services. They can give you a family support worker who can support you and help with referrals and liaise with school for you. It is all voluntary and you can stop it at any time if it doesn't work out.

Oh you poor thing, it sounds utterly grinding and soul destroying

I think SS is your best option OP, they’ll support the whole family.

Yes, maybe calling SS and pouring your heart out and begging for help is the best way. That might fast track whatever appointments are needed and help to break the impasse you seem to be in with your GP and the school.

OP - it sounds like the system is failing you and your ds so badly. My heart goes out to you. It really does sound like he has SEN if he has been like this from birth. I would keep pushing with your gp - mention the violence. Talk to the SENCO at school.

I have spent years wondering about my dd14's behaviour (nowhere near as difficult as your ds), watching her slip through the cracks at school. Finally, I emailed the school and addressed it to head of year, SENCO, student support - everyone I could think of. I said that we were worrying about the underlying causes of dd's social issues and needed to discuss it. Suddenly they started taking notice - they are getting a report from each teacher she has and have said they will write a letter of support for our gp. We are now getting set to begin a referral for ASD. I'm not saying that's what your ds has, but if you can get the school on board with your concerns it can really help. For the first time ever, I feel like dd is being heard and noticed.

I really hope you get to the bottom of what is causing your ds' behaviour.

Ok thanks everyone I’ll call social services

SerenStar0 I’m glad, it seems very much like your DS and you (and your family) have been failed every single step of the way. I hope SS can help get things in place to make life easier for all of you.

I just don’t understand - maybe there was a mix up at the hospital and I took the wrong child home - he’s not like my child he’s like an alien I do not recognise or want

Do you think he's picking up on your vibes? The fact he thinks you love your other dc more than him suggests he needs more love and more attention than them.
Sounds like he is hurting and the only way he can communicate this is by lashing out.
My ds(13) was like this a few years ago but he has grown out of it and is now a lot calmer. Whenever he was stressed I would be the one he took it out on, it was always my fault. But seeing him now I realise he is the one of my dc who needs the most cuddles, the most attention, he is also the most anxious.
With your ds, school seems to be the problem, is there any way you can change schools or even home school? I know that sounds like a nightmare with his behaviour but it could work.
Good luck

Have you heard of therapeutic parenting? Take a look at the Facebook page. This style
Of parenting can work wonders

Pickwick

Yes it’s most strange. Sometimes I think he’s desperate for attention, he does silly things like throw a dog toy at me, or come right up to my face and make a loud noise.

I really do try regularly to give him attention like suggest we watch a film, go shopping or just chat - but he looks at me as if I’ve got 2 heads - it’s like he wants my attention but when I offer it he rejects me.

We really don’t think changing schools is going to make a difference as he would hate school wherever he was.

Yes like you everything and anything that goes wrong for him is ALWAYS my fault!

Hammer
Thanks I will look into therapeutic parenting

I have two adopted children with attachment disorder who present exactly like your son. If it hadn't been for therapeutic parenting and DDP therapy we would not still be a family in one form or another. Feel free to on me

Serene I just wanted to tell you, primarily, that you're not alone. We have been through similar and spent a lot of years suffering in silence, minimising and covering up what was happening within our family because we were ashamed and blamed ourselves.

These types of problems aren't usually talked about openly because of the embarrassment and blame involved, and because it's hard for parents of the 99.9% of children who aren't like this to comprehend what it is like living this way, and listen without judgement. I would equate my experience as being similar to domestic abuse, physically, emotionally and financially. The only difference was that, because the perpetrator was my child I was unable to leave, unable to access help and was undoubtedly also 'to blame' in the eyes of some people.

Our child, now 22, in all likelihood has antisocial personality disorder, and before that probably had conduct disorder which is the childhood precursor/equivalent. We haven't a formal diagnosis because one of the factors of these disorders is a refusal to engage with ed psych, therapy, counselling etc. However the descriptors fit him very well, and it has helped greatly to have a 'reason' of sorts, and has helped us to understand how best to engage him and move forward.

I would suggest that you self refer to ss and ask if they have any sort of early intervention help available. There may not be help available in your area or you may not meet the criteria but it's worth asking. It's a start.

So sorry to read this OP. I can't imagine this is utter hell.

My DH works at a special school and deals with children with EBD. Your son's behaviour sounds very similar to children he has worked with. Simply getting a child to sit still for an entire lesson can be an achievement. DH has had things thrown at him, been punched, sworn at many times a day but things do get better over time. There will be a reason for your son's actions and it won't be anything to do with what you've done or he being a 'nasty' human being.

Good luck, you have my utmost sympathy.

Yes like you everything and anything that goes wrong for him is ALWAYS my fault!

Yep, I say to my ds now 'do you remember how you used to be?' and he still says 'yes, but it was your fault, you were so annoying' He just cannot see that it was always him making our lives a misery. I do wonder if he is on the autistic spectrum but he seems fine now albeit very anxious if anything new happens.

it’s like he wants my attention but when I offer it he rejects me.

Same again with my ds, I do find though that when I cuddle him and he pushes me away I hold on tighter and eventually he gives in. It's like he wants to be held but he's natural reaction is to push me away.

Keep trying OP, you don't hate him, you hate how he behaves but maybe he cannot yet control how he behaves, 12 is still very young

Oh bless you it must be so hard and soul destroying to have to deal with this every day
I think it's clear that something is going on with him whether it be a mental thing or some sort of disorder if he's been like this since birth, at 12 he will have hormones flying around as well so he will have them on top of whatever he's currently got going on, im wondering if he has ADHD or maybe even Autism?. I knew a boy like this and he couldn't cope with the school structure or cope with many things and he was Autistic he would lash out as a coping mechanism almost to avoid and get his own way to just be on his own he didn't get a diagnosis till late teens though.

This is exactly like my son. You’ll be glad to know that they do eventually come out the other side.
My son started age 12, firstly walking out of lesson then school. School referred us to children’s services and over the course of the next couple of years we changed school in the hope it would change him. It never did, history just repeated itself.
He was then placed in a special school which he hated also to the point where a bus would collect him but he’d jump out whilst it was moving. Eventually he was given an EHC plan and a mentor which was great. He’d engage with him on a one to one basis doing fun things but also secretly tackling his anger issues and eventually he went back to mainstream, this didn’t last long as he just couldn’t cope in a mainstream environment.
By year 10 his timetable was cut right down to the very basic math and English. He attended a pupil referral unit and his mentor took him and brought him home. This was a massive turning point for us and he eventually found who he was and settle.
You can’t do this on your own.
Please enlist the help of children’s seevices and beg them!!!

You have pets? (You mentioned himthrowing a dog toy), how does he relate to the dog? I've known some children with sens to be wonderful with animals, but awful beyond words with most adults.

Have you looked at PDA as a diagnosis. It stands for pathological demand avoidance. I have lot of experience through a relative and a lot of things you describe fit. Please do have a read.

I think you must try to stop the cycle of punishment and preaching. It clearly doesn’t work and won’t for some young people.
It sounds counter intuitive but I wonder if he needs a more therapeutic approach. Have you read up on therapeutic parenting OP?
School sounds awful for your son and it really sounds like he is struggling there. If he hasn’t an EHCP can you set the ball rolling. My son has one solely for emotional and behavioural difficulties.
Good luck OP, there will be a way forward, I hope you find it soon.

mikado1 Thank you great link.

Op please stop thinking and attaching fault. No one is at fault, least of all you or your son.

Try to accept that this is where you are, this is where he is and you need much more support and help than you are getting.

We have dc of the same age, and it is hard, and your situation looks much more difficult to me.

I agree start with SS and they might take you much more seriously. In the meantime can you talk to him in the car? On a walk? When he is calm can you find out what is triggering the rage, where it is coming from. It seems he wants attention from you but can't reach you. It must be a very scary place for him too op.

Hi,

We've had some reports about this thread and have been checking things out behind the scenes.

Unfortunately we have some concerns about the OP. We were going to take the whole thread down but we think there's some sound advice here, so instead of deleting the thread we're going to close it.

Thanks to all who gave advice and support.