I feel like they have stolen my son - advice please

[MichelleK3]

Okay, a little background- I had to go in to a refuge with my 2 younger children and I reluctantly asked my son (who is 18) his girlfriends parents if they could take him in for a few months until I get sorted and rehoused. He had been with his girlfriend a year. I knew her and got on well with his girlfriends parents he used to see his girlfriend every weekend But I had little choice but to ask them as he could not come with us due to his age and without going in to everything I had to go in to a refuge. I would call him & his girlfriends parents daily to check in then Then after about a month and I was very low and vulnerable and would be in tears to them on the phone of how much I missed him and how hard it is to be apart from him and his siblings missed him so much too they suddenly became very unsupportive and would go on about how my son is an adult and I should let him go and be happy where he is and that I should concentrate on just getting myself a house for me and the younger ones and leave my son (18 year old) where he is, saying he has a job and is settled now. Her husband gave him s job at his company. Whenever I try to speak to my son they are always commenting away in the background and this evening I asked him if he would like to say over at Christmas and all I could hear his girlfriend and her mother in the background saying “don’t put any pressure on yourself Jordan” when I was asking him how he felt about been apart from me and his brother & sister at Christmas. Sorry for the typos I’m very tired, I just feel like they are brainwashing in some ways because when i talk to him it’s like I’m talking to a completely different person do I know they are influencing him very much. How do I handle this? Anyone please?

Oh you poor thing, I certainly do understand how you feel and am sure I would feel the same in your shoes.

Your son's girlfriend's parents are only seeing the situation from one angle but you must talk to your son on his own.

He is very young to be tied down to a girlfriend and that may be irksome after a while.

There's not much you can do about it except 'be there' for him and show how much you love him. He knows who his mum is.

This sounds really difficult. Do you see him at all? I think this is very hard for your son. Did he see you being abused? Was he abused? Is it his dad? He must be feeling all kinds of conflicting emotions. Is he getting any counselling? It sounds a very complex situation.

Look, it is likely that at 18 this relationship won't last forever. Let it run it's course. If this relationship ends, he'll choose where he wants to live. It may be back with you but it could also be his own place, he's an adult now after all.

Yes, you all miss him. But what if he'd moved out of his own accord at 18? Gone away to uni? He's an adult and he was always going to fly the nest.

I appreciate that the circumstances are difficult and I really do sympathise with you. But they've not stolen him, he's just gone into the next phase of growing up.

Are you seeing him at all? Socially? Focus on sorting out your living arrangements as best you can at present and try to build a positive adult-son-parent relationship, including being kind and welcoming (and in this case, thankful) to his partner and her family. You'll find the best long-term outcome comes from this method and won't further alienate him/them.

Thanks for your replies, no he has not seen any abuse. Not physically anyway or verbally but he has seen me upset last few years as my ex was very covert in abusing me psychologically, emotionally and financially.

I was very thankful to them but it is difficult when I try talk to my son and he comes out with phrases and lines that do not sound like they are coming from him like he is being told what to say. He is on the autisum spectrum and is influenced very easily. I try to see him as much as I can he lives over 100 miles away and I do not drive so I have to save money for trains & buses which comes to £70 for the 3 of us to visit so I can only manage that every 6-8 weekly. Because he works full time, I can only see him at weekends but when I ask him which weekend are you free, he says he will have to see because his girlfriends parents have plans with them. which is fine, but they don’t encourage the relationship infact they seem to discourage it if anything.

What really upset me this evening was how when talking to him on the phone about Christmas my son got rather stressed like he was in conflict. He shouldn’t have to feel this way, it seems they are pressuring him but then projecting that on to me! I found it very rude that his girlfriend would shout out in the background “don’t put any pressure on yourself”

Before he moved in with them his girlfriend was quite possessive of him, if his phone was off because it was on charge or if he nipped to the shop she would ring me asking where he was.

It would be different if he went to uni as they come home in the holidays and most weekends. My son will never come home 😢

I have lost my son, I’m very heartbroken and I have a lot of making up to do. I will keep letting him know I love him and that I’ll always be there for him.
I will call him on his lunch break as I can not talk to him when he is at his home as he talks totally different around them.

What else can I do? How would you handle this? How would you handle the family he is staying with? His girlfriend was rude to me I don’t feel like welcoming her to my house when my son does visit but I know that I have to put that aside for the sake of my relationship with my son under the circumstances.
As far as visiting him should I meet with him in the town centre and take him out for lunch instead of coming to their home? should I cut off contact with them now my son is an adult? advise please I’m struggling 😔

Perhaps he's finding it a real drain if you're calling in tears all the time, it must be hard for him. Are you still at the refuge? Will you sort your circumstances out ?

I never call him in tears. So it’s not that. I was crying the first month to his girlfriends family as I was very vulnerable after making the decision to split my family to save my mental health from abuse. It was the most difficult decision I had to make and I was terrified. Like I said earlier he talks different to me when around them!
I have had a lot of support and now my life is great as I’m free of abuse and I have my own home now too. ThI distance is a massive part of us not seeing each other often as well as her family not encouraging it.
In the last 2 years I’ve had over 100 driving lessons and 5 failed attempts. I know that would make it easier if I passed I would be able to afford to see him every 2 weeks even if it just for a coffee. if anyone can give me any good advice on how to handle the family that would be much appreciated. Thanks

I do understand the need to be moved away from the area when you are fleeing DV but you left him and moved away ultimately. That's a really hard thing for him to deal with and now you can't afford to travel to see him very often and he's making a place for himself where he is.

You need to work on making time for him, does he come to stay with you at all? Could you plan a fun trip for a weekend to do all the local attractions?

If you live 100 miles away, that's a bit of a problem in itself because he's got his roots in his home town. People with autism don't like change so it's unlikely he would want to move away, and he's comfortable where he is, for the moment anyway. He's an adult, he's got a job and a roof over his head. So apart from making it clear that you are there for him if he needs you, just leave it. Concentrate on your new life and home, and relax.

OP, I know how you feel.

I too had to flee DA and went into a refuge, however my son was younger and was allowed to come with me. He never saw any abuse either and so in his little mind I had simply picked him up from all he knew and left.

If I hadn’t have left, I wouldn’t be here today or I would have lost my children. He’s still in secondary school now but he moved to stay in our old town, earlier this year, to live with a relative. Our relationship has broken down, he only speaks to me when he wants something and he hears a lot of negative things about me from this relative so he is a very conflicted little boy. She has made plans for his Christmas and I and his siblings are not involved. I’m only to post his presents.

Since coming from refuge, I found ourselves a home, returned to education and got a degree, a job and am learning to drive. My other children are thriving but my son has suffered a lot due to my mental health.

The worst I could do now was to push him. And I urge you not to, too. This relationship may fizzle out and he needs to know he can always come home to you.

I am heartbroken about not having my son with me. This year was the first in 10 years not to have a “back to school photo”. His bedroom is exactly the same as he’s left. I see a counsellor and we have Team Around the Family.

I’ve decided that it’s best for me to work on getting myself strong and healthy, financially secure and be the best I can for his sibling. Then if he comes to us again one day, it’ll be a happy home.

Seek support from the refuge staff OP, they’re experts in these issues. But don’t ring him in tears - hold it in until your children are asleep or go for a shower and cry there. You’ve got to hold it together. It’s almost a bereavement but they’re still alive - I often dream of my son. I invited him for a day out today but he said he has too much homework, I was upset but didn’t show it. Just praised him for being focused at school.

Build a happy family and home OP. Xx

You asked him how he'd feel being apart from you and his siblings at christmas? Well that doesnt sound like manipulation at all...

I appreciate that you have been through a very tough time but your posts do read as if you have been relying on your DS emotionally and he has been feeling the pressure of this.

It is highly likely that even if he was not aware of the full extent of the abuse that you suffered that he was affected by it. He would have picked up on your fears and worries at the very least and would have felt the strained atmosphere at home.

He then had the chance to escape that when he moved away and would have felt a release from those worries.

I hat to say it but phoning the GF's parents in tears is not indicative of a good frame of mind. Yes, you missed him, but he left at a time that you could have expected him to start moving away from home. You needed to deal with your feelings of sadness yourself rather than dumping them on people who were not in a position to help you. The gf's parents probably started to cool on you as they wanted to protect your DS from your extreme emotions.

The same goes to the conversation about Christmas. Rather than simply saying to your son that you would love him to be with you for Christmas but it was up to him to decide what he wanted to do, you dragged him into an emotionally loaded conversation about how he must be missing you and his siblings. What did you expect him to say? "No, I'm not missing you at all"? Of course he misses you and his siblings but this year he probably wants to do something different for the first time. You were playing on his emotions and trying to guilt trip him into doing what you want. That is why his GF said that he shouldn't put himself under pressure.

Even from the little you have written it sounds like your DS is feeling a significant amount of guilt and pressure to spend time with you and be there for you in order to stop you feeling sad. This is not a healthy relationship for a young man about to gain his independence. You are using him as an emotional crutch.

You need to let him have his space. To keep up the contact without putting pressure on him to return to you but at the same time let him know he is always welcome to return. Your relationship will improve with time and he will eventually choose to have more contact when he feels he is able to do so without a massive guilt trip.

Is there any counselling you can access through the refuge or via your GP to help you process this split and to gain a bit more understanding of boundaries and healthy relationships?

In the nicest possible way, it’s only September. When my mum starts banging on about Christmas in September, it drives me mental. Lots of people, like myself and possibly your son, have no interest in committing to plans so far in advance and trying to make us do so is unnecessarily pressurising and likely to turn us away.

Are you even in a position to invite him for Christmas though? Because if not it does sound a bit like emotional blackmail. He is moving on with his life. When you speak to him do you ask about what he is doing etc or just tell him how bad things are for you. That must be draining and perhaps he has told his gf and family that or they see him after your calls. That maybe why they made the comment.

I can also let you know when my 18yr old went to uni he did not come back for any weekends at all just holidays and even then they were spent mainly out with his gf and friends.

Do concentrate on finding a permanent home for you and the younger ones so you have a base that he can visit and stay over. Once that happens you may see more of him

Also keep your calls focussed on what he is doing at work rather than burdening him with your problems

I was typing before Thistledew's post appeared . If it had been there I could have just said - what she said!

I’m a trained counsellor. Asking how he feels is what comes natural it is not minipulation. If he is being heavely influences buy his girlfriend and I can’t tell him directly this then asking someone how they feel is a good way to go around the situation.

It sounds like you are putting everyone under pressure while they are trying to take pressure off you. When you have sorted out your new home your son will come back. Don't make him feel bad like he's abandoned you. He's trying to take pressure off you whilst holding himself together. Just be glad he's safe.

No I am not moaning to him. My life is great now I have my own home. I ask him how he is gliding all the time and I’m very involved m. Don’t get confused with emotional blackmail I’m simply asking my son how he is feeling and what he wants to do as I feel as though he is being heavily influenced where he is right now.

Please people understand I am a trained counsellor and asking how he feels is a big part of who I am and I talk. Has nothing to do with pressure, emotional blackmail or manipulation.

I am trying to communicate with my son rather than be direct!!! On how he is feeling about it all.

Like I say I feel he is vulnerable adult and is being heavily influenced by his girlfriend.

My life is good, I have a home now and at university studying social work.

I have come on here to ask how to handle the other family what is best to do to avoid pushing him away further.

I mean this gently but your son is 18 and has moved out of his home and might want his independence.

Yes invite him for Christmas (without a guilt trip) but he is an adult now and might prefer to be with his girlfriend. The best thing to do would be not put pressure on him , assure him he is always welcome and if he can’t make the day maybe book new year or another weekend nearby.

Goodness this sounds so tough for all involved. But, with your counsellor hat on maybe read this thread back and see that when people have suggested what may causing part of his reaction, or suggested ways to adapt your behaviour, you have been very defensive and not conceded and changes from your side.

This feels a little frustrating from the outside as people have taken time to read about your experience and offer their opinion.

I understand you've been through so much and are trying to do the best you can but you may find you need to switch from defensive survival mode to a new way of thinking in order to get the most out of the new, safe life you've fought for and bravely achieved.

*conceded any changes

Typo sorry

It doesn't sound like you're a counsellor tbh. It's odd you keep on about her family influencing him. Most people wouldn't encourage a non related 18 year old living with them on an ongoing basis so it's more likely he isn't being influenced at all, and this is just how he feels at the moment.

I don't think being a counsellor is any indication of you not being capable of putting pressure on your son. Therapists don't work with family members for a reason. Plus courses vary wildly in length and quality.

I think you should give him space to come back if he wants to. And maybe see that out of a shitty situation he has a stable relationship and a job?

michelle you haven’t lost him love but you need to give him a bit of space. He will come back to you but as an adult man.

I’m coming at it slightly from Jordan’s point and what I would do with my own kids (eldest is 23)

My mother has MH problems and would be sectioned in MH hospital or be having a traumatic time with her ex husband and would often call me at my fathers house and I’d have to support her emotionally from the age of 16 and it was too much. It was suffocating. I did have people whispering in my ear about not putting pressure on my self but because I already felt pressured it was easy to hide away.

My eldest spent Xmas last year at her boyfriends and I felt it was a slap in the face as her younger sisters and I were desperate to have her here (as usual) but kids can’t be extremely selfish sometimes and I just had to grin and bear it.

Let him be free. I know he will give you a huge amount of comfort but you have to let them go eventually. And he will come back.

Try and draw a line under this, yes you did ring her parents a lot for support that was in the past. Don’t ask him any questions like ‘how do you feel not seeing me ect.. ‘ keep the conversation bright and happy, talk about funny stuff the kids did, try and laugh with him on the phone. Don’t tell him any of your problems, just keep the conversation happy. Don’t bring up Xmas and if he brings it up just say ‘do what makes you happy son, your presents will be here waiting’.

Don’t get arsey with his GF and her family (to him) they have supported you both. But he will feel conflicted now and will feel the pressure of both sides really relax around him now. He will come back to you, maybe not as in moving back in, but to have a happy relationship with you - which tho be honest, that’s really all we should have with our kids when they turn 18

It’s shit when your in a bad place and even though we take great comfort from our kids they cannot be our support system.

You’ve had a shit time but you will come through this

Could you invite him and his gf up for the weekend. Make it about fun. Showing them around your new town , having dinner together. Forget the other family. They kindly took your son in when you needed them. Just keep an open door with him , calling with no demands just chatting.
I do agree that mentioning Christmas at this stage is too much.
Just tell him he is welcome to come for Christmas and ye would love to see him but no pressure. I find with my older dc that the less pressure the more likely they are to do things.
I know you have gone through a horrific time but crying with your ds or that family doesn't help him. Just get help elsewhere and leave the time you have with him/ them as a peaceful easy time.