I feel like they have stolen my son - advice please

[MichelleK3]

Okay, a little background- I had to go in to a refuge with my 2 younger children and I reluctantly asked my son (who is 18) his girlfriends parents if they could take him in for a few months until I get sorted and rehoused. He had been with his girlfriend a year. I knew her and got on well with his girlfriends parents he used to see his girlfriend every weekend But I had little choice but to ask them as he could not come with us due to his age and without going in to everything I had to go in to a refuge. I would call him & his girlfriends parents daily to check in then Then after about a month and I was very low and vulnerable and would be in tears to them on the phone of how much I missed him and how hard it is to be apart from him and his siblings missed him so much too they suddenly became very unsupportive and would go on about how my son is an adult and I should let him go and be happy where he is and that I should concentrate on just getting myself a house for me and the younger ones and leave my son (18 year old) where he is, saying he has a job and is settled now. Her husband gave him s job at his company. Whenever I try to speak to my son they are always commenting away in the background and this evening I asked him if he would like to say over at Christmas and all I could hear his girlfriend and her mother in the background saying “don’t put any pressure on yourself Jordan” when I was asking him how he felt about been apart from me and his brother & sister at Christmas. Sorry for the typos I’m very tired, I just feel like they are brainwashing in some ways because when i talk to him it’s like I’m talking to a completely different person do I know they are influencing him very much. How do I handle this? Anyone please?

Just seen your last update michelle

Don’t focus on his parents. Be great full they took him in. It’s normal for adult kids to move in with there partners parents.

Your son has turned in to an adult so let him stay where he is happy. Maybe text him sometimes instead of calling so he can answer in private but above all else rather than delving in to how he is feeling just keep it bright and breezey

‘Hi son you ok? Any good plans this weekend? Going to take kids for a kick about if you fancy being goal keeper ! ‘

Show him fun happy mum.

Stop thinking of them as the enemy, they did you a massive favour and seem to really care for your DS. It also sounds that they may wish to protect him a bit, that’s not a bad thing and they have likely shown your DS some family stability.

Your Christmas questioning sounds really difficult for him, it reads as a guilt trip tbh regardless of your counselling qualifications.

Thistledew’s response seems to have nailed the situation well.

If you’re in your own home now how about inviting him to stay with you for a weekend? You could pay the train fare (which I assume would be cheaper than for the 3 of you). You could invite him and his gf as a couple or him alone.
Then maybe in late Oct/Nov have the Christmas discussion and again plan a weekend for around that time.

Crosspost with others then

Whenever I try to speak to my son they are always commenting away in the background and this evening I asked him if he would like to say over at Christmas and all I could hear his girlfriend and her mother in the background saying “don’t put any pressure on yourself Jordan” when I was asking him how he felt about been apart from me and his brother & sister at Christmas

I don't see any issues with what the GF said. What you said however does sound like emotional blackmail.

The girlfriend’s parents gave him a home, a job, security and presumably at first they’d did it all for free. You don’t mention if he’s contributing financially. THey sound like great people, you asked fir help and they gave unreservedly.
So this is where it gets tricky. It’s not about you. It’s about him, his mental well-being and his life as an adult. If he knows that you love him, and have space and time for him, then he can choose how to deal with his relationships. He’s had a lot to cope with, what would have happened to him without the offer of a home?
You need to be patient, and wittering on about being a counsellor and your son being stolen doesn’t sound stable or logical.

Your situation is awful, I sympathise, I can only suggest seeing him as often as possible and keeping chats on the phone/Skype, light and fun unless led by him.
As a counsellor, surely you can see the difference between asking your son “and how did you feel when tutor asked you to leave the room?” Or asking a client how they felt about your son’s Christmas situation when you are neither the client’s mother nor any other key person in the narrative, - and what you actually did, which was to put him on the spot about how he felt not seeing you and his sibling. That immediately sounded wrong to me I’m afraid. It’s understandable, you are only human and you are hurt, but I’d guard against doing things like that. Guilt often makes people back away and that was a classic FOG move. It is also grist to girlfriend’s parents’ mill, if they see themselves as giving your son a safe place away from DA, and its fallout, including being an emotional crutch for his Mum. At 18, your son will have opened up to his gf an awful lot more than his mum, and we’re you Joan of Arc, there is no way on earth you can have insulated him from everything that went on so he will have felt guilt (not having helped you more) and the responsibility to help make it better etc. and gf’s family see themselves as providing the space for him to just be an 18 year old.
In your shoes I’d want him back ASAP too and I’d be panicking a bit. Just keep your cool around him and them and make sure he enjoys his interactions with you and they hear all the positive stuff you’ve got going on now.
Also don’t forget what it’s like to be 18 and in a relationship, he will be likely to be superglued to the gf by his bollocks and would have been anyway, so with the distance, this might have happened without the DA background.

I get that it’s hard, especially as it has been forced by circumstances out of your control. But you need to realise he isn’t a child anymore so you need to start building a positive relationship with your adult son.

If he wants to spend Christmas with his partner then don’t let him see how that bothers you, arrange to meet up at another point over Christmas instead. Don’t use emotional blackmail as that really won’t encourage a postive, adult, relationship

You might be a trained counsellor but if I were him I'd hate it if you keep asking me how I feel. Just let him be, they sound like they care about him, they provide him with a roof, a job when your life was messy. You should be thankful for their kindness. Stop calling him a vulnerable adult, he seems to be doing okay and is with the right people at this stage of his life. It will be better if you let him be, and keep contact but keep it light so he knows you and his siblings are okay, and absolutely don't put pressure on him to leave them and come see you.

Please people understand I am a trained counsellor and asking how he feels is a big part of who I am and I talk

You are his mum, not his counsellor. I am married to a trained counsellor and he occasionally forgets and asks me how I am feeling. It makes me want to throttle him .

“-were you Joan of Arc” not “we’re” FFS.
Just to add, I think seeing him or him and girlfriend off their territory is an excellent idea, in a cafe or going to the cinema or something. Also I’d grit my teeth and treat them as a couple and include gf in all invitations, she may not come to everything, but the more you pull, the more they will pull and you have a tug of war in your hands.

You can't 'counsel' your kids. You're not talking to him as a counsellor but as a mum. Being trained in counselling makes you no less likely to make mistakes in the way you
Communicate with your kids than any other parent!

You need to embrace the family and start by thanking them for taking him in, getting him a job and looking after him. They have given him everything possible to help him through this huge upheaval. It has been a game changer for him and you live so far away. So if you are genuinely grateful to them and have expressed this to them this would go a long way to making things much better.

You do not need to compete with them, you are his mother. You don't need to compete with anyone.

Your son is now an adult and in a fairly serious relationship. My thoughts about christmas will be that he should make the decision about where he spends christmas. You should not be expecting him to be with you every year. You can visit if you have the money to get there or you can invite them both to you. I would be making a special effort to be kind to his girlfriend and ignore any past comments.

I would absolutely take him out for lunch and talk to him before then, spending some time with him on his own and reconnecting will be good for both of you.

It may be painful but he is emerging into the adult world, this was always going to feel like a loss in some way, but it is important to blame or transfer the feelings to his gf family. Be glad he has such a strong network and tell him you love him dearly and will always be there for him. Make christmas special for your other children as they have been through a lot too.

At some point consider moving closer to your eldest son maybe.

A trained counsellor? Are you sure? Without wishing to be rude, you sound very irritating, constantly talking about feelings. People don't always want to talk about their feelings - it's private! You're hard work, OP.

At 18 it's natural for kids to pull away from family and become independent adults. I know I did and then only began to appreciate my parents properly when I was 26 or so. This is likely to have happened even if circumstances hasn't changed and he was still living at home.

Don't put pressure on him. Be bright and breezy when you see or talk to him and eventually he'll appreciate you more. Whatever you do don't speak negatively about his gf or her family.

You have been through a lot and I really sympathise with your feeling that you have lost your son. You have had mostly good advice on here so try to act on it. I think what has happened and the nature of you being separated has made you more anxious about maintaining your relationship with your son and the need to not lose him. You feel as if you are at the moment, but you have to remember you will always be his mum. Tell him you will always be there for him and your home will always be his home. Do not pressure him or make him feel guilty, keep your conversations light. Tell him about what you and his siblings are doing, all the positive things, but do not mention how he is missed. Be happy for him, even if he does stay here for Christmas this year, even though you want him with you, bite your tongue. He will in time decide for himself that he wants to ' come home ' to see you all, not through guilt or pressure.

I think you made a huge mistake.

He say only saw his girlfriend at weekends, you say she was possessive of him, and also your son is autistic.

You have thrown him into this situation and now you want to click your fingers and have him out of it too because it no longer suits you.

If you look at it from the parents perspective, you were in a terrible place, you asked them to look after your son, which it sounds like they have done an amazing job of, they had you constantly calling them upset and now they hear you trying to manipulate/emotionally blackmail your son.

In all fairness he probably tells them a lot of things that he doesn't tell you at this point in his life. They are probably reacting to that too.

All you can do is be the mum of a grown up who doesn't live with you and make sure he knows he can come home anytime he wants.

I met my husband at 18, we weren’t living together but I had moved away from home and living near him. We were engaged the year after and married the year after that. I can 100% guarantee that I would have listened to him at 18 rather than listen to my parents. You have to deal with the change in relationship, he is no longer your baby boy and he has moved out. My MIL told me she went through a grieving process when that happened to her, it will take some time to work out the new dynamics of the relationship. He’s happy, he’s settled and they’ve got him a job, it sounds like he is well looked after and you have to respect that. They are not stealing him, they’ve taken him in as one of their own (like you asked them to do). He’s not had the easiest last few years, I am fairly certain that an older teenager would absolutely have noticed signs of abuse in the home.

Take the pressure off, meet the gf and him, FaceTime him and ask how the jobs going, general day to day stuff. Don’t make it a jealousy competition because at this stage, they’ll win.

I’ve not practised in 8 years as I have been abused. My skills have completely gone out of the window but asking my son how he feels about things is how I word things after been thought person centered counselling. Sorry just to clarify. Thanks though

You have my sympathy OP but you must be able to see that your son has moved on. He has a very different life now from when he lived with you. Stop asking him about his feelings, that just brings up old memories of a life he's escaped from. Ask day to day things and try to sound happy on the phone and not like the counsellor you say you are.
His GF's parents have taken in a vulnerable 18yo and treated him well. He wouldn't want to stay there if he wasn't happy with them. Your opinion of the parents now is obviously influenced by the fact that your son has chosen to live with them rather than you.
Focus on yourself and your younger DC. Don't try to guilt-trip your son when you speak to him. When you're settled and calm he will be more likely to want to see you.

BUt can you not see how asking how he would feel in that situation is at best putting him in an awkward position and at worst manipulative?

Thank you to all the responses I appreciate all of them. I have a better understanding now as what to do about the situation and I think I have been very defensive and I need to back off and let him go but make sure he knows I am always there for him. Xx thank you lovely ladies xx

Hes 18, with autism, hes working and hes holding down a relationship. You havent lost him. Hes a credit to you. Look at what hes acheiving, despite you having a few rough years. Be proud of him and yourself.

Exactly! What a wonderful credit to you and his girlfriend’s family that he’s achieved so much. Relax OP, you’ve not lost him. He’s just embarking on a new chapter as an adult xx

You’re putting a lot on his shoulders and projecting your needs on to him. Unintentionally though but you really need to stop leaning on him so much and maybe stop the daily check in calls. If you were crying to the GFs parents so much I understand why they backed off. You haven’t lost him but if you keep pressuring him you’re at risk of doing so. Concentrate on continuing to make yourself stronger as you have clearly done so over the last few months and as that happens the relationship should you have with your son should become more measured.