I feel like they have stolen my son - advice please

[MichelleK3]

Okay, a little background- I had to go in to a refuge with my 2 younger children and I reluctantly asked my son (who is 18) his girlfriends parents if they could take him in for a few months until I get sorted and rehoused. He had been with his girlfriend a year. I knew her and got on well with his girlfriends parents he used to see his girlfriend every weekend But I had little choice but to ask them as he could not come with us due to his age and without going in to everything I had to go in to a refuge. I would call him & his girlfriends parents daily to check in then Then after about a month and I was very low and vulnerable and would be in tears to them on the phone of how much I missed him and how hard it is to be apart from him and his siblings missed him so much too they suddenly became very unsupportive and would go on about how my son is an adult and I should let him go and be happy where he is and that I should concentrate on just getting myself a house for me and the younger ones and leave my son (18 year old) where he is, saying he has a job and is settled now. Her husband gave him s job at his company. Whenever I try to speak to my son they are always commenting away in the background and this evening I asked him if he would like to say over at Christmas and all I could hear his girlfriend and her mother in the background saying “don’t put any pressure on yourself Jordan” when I was asking him how he felt about been apart from me and his brother & sister at Christmas. Sorry for the typos I’m very tired, I just feel like they are brainwashing in some ways because when i talk to him it’s like I’m talking to a completely different person do I know they are influencing him very much. How do I handle this? Anyone please?

What others have said. He is an adult, he has his own way to make in the world. Daily phone calls to check on him is far too much at this age.

You need to make sure you are not talking to him as if you were his counsellor because he hasn't hired you for that job.

What you can hope for at this age is not that he will come back as your little boy, but now and then as a visiting adult, because he finds it pleasant to be around you. His peers will be leaving home now, going to uni or taking up jobs away from their family. It's normal and you need to handle it as other parents are handling it up and down the country: otherwise you will be leaving him with the impression that you are rather more demanding and more difficult to be around than other parents.

Of course that is going to be hellishly difficult given the horrible times you have been through- but it's the only way that's going to give results. And it's also the only way that is fair- after all, he has a right to grow up at the same pace as his peers.

If you do think his girlfriend's family are putting emotional pressure on him, then you need to be the person who is not putting pressure on him, the person that he thinks of as being easy to be around.