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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

teenage girls and the internet is this normal???

54 replies

elesbells · 03/06/2007 09:48

hi, my dd2 who has just turned 16 is generally a good girl (a few tantrums, backchat ect but nothing abnormal!) however whilst looking through my pc a couple of months ago i came across a website for teenagers and there she was with a pic of herself in a low cut top, boobs on show and finger in her mouth. (a really provocative pose!)there was a full profile of herself (area she lived, name of school ect) she was only 15 then and i made her remove it, didnt make a huge issue of it (although i wanted to) i kept calm and explained the dangers ect. she was then barred from using the p.c. However for her 16th birthday darling ex hubby bought her a laptop!! against my advice i might add! so the deal was she could go on it but no passwords and no site's like the one the pic was on! anyway last night i took her washing up to her room and as i walked in she quickly clicked the screen off. i asked her to show me and she did. it was a chatroom again this time she was talking to a boy who says he is 18 and the content was heavly sexual. all about what they were going to do when they meet up ect!! any advice on what to do now would be greatly received. i want her to have her privacy but i dont want her to put herself in danger!

OP posts:
MamaG · 03/06/2007 09:52

oh elesbells I'm dreading my DD growing up! She's 7 so I've no advice on what is normal for teenage girls (although I have to say, I don't find it weird, I can imagine lots of girls doing this!)- thats not to say you don't need to put a stop to it, sorry I've no advice, but I have to say I think you handled the first incidnet very well.

Best of luck, hope someone with teenagers will be along soon to advise

CalpolGalore · 03/06/2007 09:54

bloody hell.
hope you get some good advice. (this prob is a little out of my sphere of expertise im afraid)

rantinghousewife · 03/06/2007 10:14

I have a ds (teenage) and we've had many chats about the internet and the dangers. There is a website (I'll google it and post the link) aimed at teenagers about internet safety, which you could ask her to have a look at. And you ought to have a look too, lots of advice for parents on there.
Is it possible to insist that she only uses the laptop in communual areas, so that if she is being secretive, you'll at least have an inkling.
I realise it's difficult, what with your dd being 16, but she needs to earn your trust and understand the position she could put herself in, if she meets someone from a chat room without telling anyone and you need to go about it in a way that isn't going to terrify her but make her aware.
Will post that link in a minute.

rantinghousewife · 03/06/2007 10:18

This is the bbc link that we used www.bbc.co.uk/chatguide/teens/index.shtml. I think that there is a government one too, will have another look.

MissGolightly · 03/06/2007 10:21

I think it all depends on how sensible your DD is.

On one level this is actually a very "safe" way to experiment with boys - you can flirt, talk dirty, get a little sexy, all with the option of flicking your screen off if things go a bit far or you start to get bad vibes, something you CAN'T do if you are down the park with mates. So the chatting and dirty talk I would not worry too much about - IMO it is normal teenage flirting just done via the web. And just because she is fantasising about what they will do "when" they meet up, doesn't mean to say she actually has any intention of doing so, it may be all part of the game.

However when it creeps towards more real-life interaction eg posting photos of herself and contact details, then it gets worrying.

I would have a chat with your daughter and set some clear ground rules. Say that you respect her privacy and don't mind her talking on the web but that for safety reasons you don't want her putting up contact details or meeting people in real life, without chatting to you first.

rantinghousewife · 03/06/2007 10:22

And this one is aimed at younger kids but, as she's not heeded your warnings so far, it may be useful to go back to basics.www.safekids.com/child_safety.htm

rantinghousewife · 03/06/2007 10:24

Yes Miss g, good advice, we actually have that rule in our house, no personal details, including full names, ages, school or details of siblings. I would explain why but, am assumming that you already have elesbells.

MissGolightly · 03/06/2007 10:25

Re-reading my post I didn't make my point very well - what I was trying to say was that I don't think you should punish her or ban her from visiting sites like these, just encourage her to use the internet in a safe way.

At the end of the day she's 16, old enough to leave home, have sex blah blah blah. Her behaviour sounds pretty harmless to me, you just need to agree a few safeguards together.

MissGolightly · 03/06/2007 10:31

BBC guide looks very good - not too preachy but sensible!

PenelopePitstops · 03/06/2007 10:54

elesbells im with miss golightly. Its pretty normal behavior as long as you are assured she wont really meet up with the people, and if she does he tells someone.

TBH I would discourage the use of chat room and encourage msn nd such like where she can only communicate with peopel who know her and vice versa.

Original poster
elesbells · 03/06/2007 11:03

thanks all. miss g i never thought of it like that! i know she's going to experiment but she is such a young minded 16 (or so i thought!!) i was just shocked at the content and the fact she doesnt know this boy! i did explain that he might not be who he says he is and giving out revealing details about herself with such a pic was asking for trouble..... but it falls on deaf ears and thats the bit im worried about. she is quite gullable and my main concern is she will or (even worse) has arranged a meeting. thanks for the links ranting will read through them. i guess letting them 'grow up' is the hardest bit!

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Original poster
elesbells · 03/06/2007 11:06

x post penelope this was MSN!! i let her on that because i thought the same! but apparently the kids pass addies?? is that right? around to each other at school and then it goes beyond (friends outside school ect) she showed me her list and admitted that most of the people on her list she didnt know!!

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Wotz · 03/06/2007 11:08

Agree with PenelopePitstops to get her to use msn and avoid chatrooms. Ask her why she thinks you are concerned and she what she has to say before frightening her with the horrid thoughts that go through our minds as parents.

Even if you ban, limit her laptop use, she can still use other friends and pc elswehere. So that might not help and may only move the usage of the chatroom to another pc/lapop location.

Hope she will listen to you.

Hulababy · 03/06/2007 11:12

I'd have the rule that computers can only be linked to the internet when being used in a family room, not in bedrooms, etc.

Nbg · 03/06/2007 11:15

I agree with Hula.

Tel her that you dont want to take it off her and would like her to use the laptop but in light of what has happened she can only use it in family area.

Although what are the chances of her taking the laptop to friends, her dads, other family etc and using it where you or someone else cannot see?

PenelopePitstops · 03/06/2007 11:19

ohh right! thats worrying...I think you should use the rule about computers in family rooms. And suggest she blocks people she doesnt actually know.

Make her aware of the dangers, there is only so much you can do.

Nbg · 03/06/2007 11:20

Is there any safety/parental things on msn?

Original poster
elesbells · 03/06/2007 11:25

i couldnt find any saftey stuff for MSN nbg. i also thought it was a 'safe site' but have just been reliably informed that it IS safe, until you send an e'mail through it! then all your 'contact lists' are on display and the mail recipiant can then 'add' them to their own contacts and so on!

OP posts:
Nbg · 03/06/2007 11:29

How do you think she will take it if you suggest the laptop being used in family rooms only?

Original poster
elesbells · 03/06/2007 11:30

i suppose i cant stop her from 'adding' contacts either!! its always going to be girls obssessed with boys syndrome!! but have deffo taken on board the pc in family areas though! laptop wirless card has promptly been removed!

OP posts:
Original poster
elesbells · 03/06/2007 11:31

x posts nbg! already done!! and she really has no say at the mo!

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Wotz · 03/06/2007 11:32

Mine don't use msn and only go onto the internet where I can see what they are doing. They are not teens, but alot of my older dd (10) friends use msn. I have my doubts about msn, and don't use it either. Will watch this thread.

Nbg · 03/06/2007 11:33

Well thats all you can do really.
If she has no wireless card then that pretty much takes care of the problem.

mumeeee · 03/06/2007 23:28

I agree with other posters have to have a rule that internet can only be used in family rooms.
DD2 (17) and DD3 (15)both go on MSN but they only add contacts they know. I've always told thm to be careful who they give their address to.
They can only get onto the internet from the downstairs computer which is in the dining room. I oftenpop into the room when they are using it so know that they use this site sensibly.
DD2 does have a laptop but it doen't have internet connection.

BishyBarneyBee · 03/06/2007 23:33

good advice - esp. MissG - hope it goes well.