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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Sex at 14

57 replies

sunflowergarden · 01/08/2018 00:06

Need some advice please...
My 14 year old was chatting to me today while I was weeding and I nearly fell in the bush...
background, first boyfriend and has been with him for 7mths , both 14, nearly 15. they are stuck at the hip when they are not doing hobbies etc...
So basically said to me 'would you be cross if you know I did' ?? I kind of guessed what she meant , so I said I'm glad you can come to me , ( at this point I'm feeling faint) so I said if you are thinking or have gone that far I want you to be aware of protection etc.. she said can I go on the pill! ...
So what do I do? If they are going to (which apparently they haven't yet) but they have spoke about it... then they are going to regardless of what I say, I can't lock her up until she's 16. I have explained you only loose that once so it has to be right and not because she's pressured or her friends have.. she's very mature for her age and I can have in depth conversations with her...
So what do I do now? Do I take her to gp , she's under age so how does that stand? But on the other hand I dont want to her to be in a mat ward or a abortion clinic ..

OP posts:
Emma765 · 01/08/2018 00:13

Have an indepth conversation, and if its clear she's still got every intention of doing it, take her to family planning and maybe look at the implant so you're not relying on her remembering to take a pill, but reiterate that condoms are still necessary.

You can't stop her from doing it, so you need to focus on making it as safe as possible.

dippyeggsandsoldiers · 01/08/2018 00:18

She's probably going to do it regardless of what you tell her. It's really good that she feels she can talk to you about it though, I know at my age I definitely wouldn't have spoken to my DM about it! Agree with PP about the implant, it's in for 3 years and there's no forgetting to take the pill or whatever. Would deffo drill into her head about the use of condoms though

Twins2018 · 01/08/2018 00:24

A mature 14 year old Hmm

Original poster
sunflowergarden · 01/08/2018 00:27

Thank you both , I'll have another chat tomorrow... and yes condoms are also a must. I'm so pleased she can come to me but I wasn't really prepared for this just yet ....

OP posts:
Original poster
sunflowergarden · 01/08/2018 00:28

Mature 14 year old as in mature enough to come to me and not up a back ally

OP posts:
CeeMe32 · 01/08/2018 00:38

Yes full in depth conversation and take her to a family planning and help her choose the correct birth control. Shes going to do it with or without your support so at least this way you can make sure shes prepared. Not a great situation but its brilliant that she trusts you enough for this

bobsandvagene · 01/08/2018 00:44

She's nearly 15 and been with her boyfriend for 7 months, I wouldn't say it was anything particularly out of the ordinary for them to be thinking about having sex. And yes, some 14/15 year olds are more mature than others.
You're right OP you cant just ignore the issue and hope she waits until 16. Talk about consent and emotions and all the important things and book an appointment with the doctor or nurse to discuss contraception and condoms.

Original poster
sunflowergarden · 01/08/2018 12:19

Thank you ladies for the positive support. I have made an appointment and gone through the precautions needed with her and reiterated this step they are thinking about is very important, I'm relieved slightly that she felt able to come to me although a big shock to motherhood system x

OP posts:
SpongeAndBubbles · 01/08/2018 12:51

I also favour condoms alongside something can't be too careful I'm on implant and condoms myself.

Under age shouldn't be a problem in fact they can contraception at as young as 14 without your permission in most sexual health clinics so I'm glad she went with you.

My daughter is on the pill just for painful periods but I have told her about how to use ect if it does time to that, she wants to switch to the implant if she has a sexual relationship though :)

Also definitely talk to her about condoms, I also found with my exes I felt pressured and used to have sex without them because "they're uncomfortable" ect I felt bad but she shouldn't be pressured into that there's always a condom that fits DH has to get them online the sort of choose your size ones but they work.
Not saying he's bad or anything but condom pressure is definitely around

Slimmingsnake · 01/08/2018 12:56

Why implant ? Can't imagin anything worse,everything I've read about implant has been negative...constant bleeding...it moving ,infections ..blah

SpongeAndBubbles · 01/08/2018 13:17

Everyone's different on the Implant I'm doing quite good however others may not, I think she's a bit young for the coil might make her a bit squimish. The pill is good if taken at the same time every day but I got pregnant from it twice and just don't trust it personally

Original poster
sunflowergarden · 01/08/2018 13:23

Personally i think I'd rather her be on the pill and use condoms , but I'm sure they will go over everything with her and then we can decide what's best for her, I was a little taken back when I called the fpc the woman, I explained , and she said 'I was thinking of other things at 14' yeah so was I but times change it's pissed me off a bit as I think it's more responsible doing this than turning up at a clap clinic or pushing a pram or going through abortion. People can be very judgmental and I'm a bit miffed at a receptionists response Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
sunflowergarden · 01/08/2018 13:25

Actually she made me feel like I was wrong for even contemplating the fact my daughter may become sexually active!!

OP posts:
Emma765 · 01/08/2018 13:42

That's awful, sorry that happened. They must see 14 year olds and younger every day. Maybe it was a clumsy attempt at some empathy with you.

SpongeAndBubbles · 01/08/2018 13:48

That's an awful experience what a rude receptionist!

They definitely see people her age all the time looking for contraception it's better than going withoit it at least she and you are responsible OP!

I've had some issues myself especially with DD going for her pill and the time she went to change it.
I went in the waiting room but not in with her, she got all kinds of strife and always gets tested for stis even when she's not sexually active it's almost like they force her to do a swab test which is really painful for her, we go to our family GP now

jellybeanlover · 01/08/2018 13:50

Sunflower- you are obviously a good mum if your teenage daughter can talk so honestly with you, sex at 14 is not unusual, I went to a Catholic secondary school in the seventies and this was happening then

user1457017537 · 01/08/2018 13:54

Makes me yearn for the old days when it was all mysterious! I don’t have a daughter but I know I wouldn’t have been a right-on mum! Think I would strangle the boy if I’m honest

mavydoes · 01/08/2018 13:56

Sounds like your daughter has her head on straight and is fully comfortable coming to you!

Now - about the boyfriend.

I would speak to his parents and get them to understand 100% if something like pregnancy did happen then responsibility will be taken by him and the risks etc fully explained.

Good luck!

Original poster
sunflowergarden · 01/08/2018 14:10

Thank you peeps, I will keep you posted on our visit it's not until a week Tuesday x

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SmileSweetly · 01/08/2018 14:24

My DD is 14, and although she hasn't had a boyfriend yet, some of her friends do and it seems very common for them to be going really far (and some of them already having sex)

There are just as many that have never even shared a kiss yet or are remotely interested in having a relationship (so still a big divide at this age)

I think it's a credit to your relationship that she can ideal to you about this, she is a sensible girl you must be proud.

At such a young age they are so sensitive and vulnerable and this insight into her relationship also gives you the opportunity to carefully guide and support her emotionally. Normally at this age teens hide this sort of thing from their parents, and although this knowledge is a bit of a burden it is a privilege too.

misscph1973 · 01/08/2018 14:56

You are a great mum! Your DD is so lucky!

My DD, 13, is so far from having sex, but I hope she will come to me like you did.

I think a lot of young girls will prefer the idea of the pill simply because they think it must be easier to take a pill than to use a condom. I used condoms when I was young unless I was in a relationship, and I still think that is the way it should be. Contraception is a responsibility that a young couple should share, not just the girl, and obviously condoms protect against more than pregnancy. I think using a condom is a good habit for both parties. So I would get my daughter condoms first and then I would suggest that she considers the pill after 3 months.

Anonymousmumforlyfe · 14/08/2018 01:16

Just found out Dd had sex recently (15) and I wish I would have talked to her about it before. What ever happens they are going to find away to do it if they set there minds on it. Dd is also very mature for her age so I trust she has made right decision and although I don’t want to encourage under age sex, you don’t want her to feel like she can’t talk to you and also I would rather she would be safe than sorry

Anonymousmumforlyfe · 14/08/2018 01:43

You seem like a great mum very down to earth. I don’t have a great relationship with my daughter wich is a shame

MattLeBlancVest · 14/08/2018 01:52

I lost my virginity at 14 with my boyfriend and there is no way in hell I would have told my mum. (This was back in the 90's)

Sounds like you are doing everything right. Condoms and hormonal contraception plus talking to her.
I hope this doesn't sound condescending but well done for handling it so well.
I hope I do as well for my daughter's.

Original poster
sunflowergarden · 14/08/2018 23:41

Thank you @MattLeBlancVest not condescending at all, it's nice to have everyone's support 😊

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