Sex at 14

[sunflowergarden]

Need some advice please...
My 14 year old was chatting to me today while I was weeding and I nearly fell in the bush...
background, first boyfriend and has been with him for 7mths , both 14, nearly 15. they are stuck at the hip when they are not doing hobbies etc...
So basically said to me 'would you be cross if you know I did' ?? I kind of guessed what she meant , so I said I'm glad you can come to me , ( at this point I'm feeling faint) so I said if you are thinking or have gone that far I want you to be aware of protection etc.. she said can I go on the pill! ...
So what do I do? If they are going to (which apparently they haven't yet) but they have spoke about it... then they are going to regardless of what I say, I can't lock her up until she's 16. I have explained you only loose that once so it has to be right and not because she's pressured or her friends have.. she's very mature for her age and I can have in depth conversations with her...
So what do I do now? Do I take her to gp , she's under age so how does that stand? But on the other hand I dont want to her to be in a mat ward or a abortion clinic ..

Luckily everyone on this thread has avoided mentioning where the various activities took place. Because most of what you all seem to be discussing is (technically) a crime in the U.K. Perhaps it all happened overseas?

That’s right. Underage sex is a crime in the UK, even if both of them are underage and both quite close in age and quite close to the age of consent.

Both parties must be 16 for it to be legal.

The police rarely prosecute when it is two young teenagers, but the rule is still there.

Even worse, if you know about it or encourage, there are ancillary offences of aiding and abettIng a crime. Again, not often prosecuted in the U.K. but best not to confess live on Mumsnet.

I think the rules are a bit silly but they are still there and only Parliament can change things.

I think we are all aware it's underage and technically a crime, I have by no means gave her or him a pat on the back and said green light your using contraception, go for it...I have basically had my daughter who I think is very responsible, come to me and said it's something they have discussed and the probabilities are high that it will happen, if it's going to happen or not (which I wish it wouldn't) I have to make sure they go to the gp/sexual health clinic and make sure they realise 1, it's underage and yes illegal. 2, to be responsible, I won't be aiding and abetting, yes I'll be aware that this may happen but for health and well-being there's not a lot more I can do but to ensure she's safe and sensible, if it's going to happen be rest assured it won't be under my roof whilst I watch tv! Apart from locking her up which is also illegal at least I can protect her and him from sti's and unwanted pregnancies.
I understand what you are saying and thank you for your post but I don't believe parliament can help by changing the law and I believe the law should stand at 16, if I had my way it would be 18, but there you go.

Well if you think its OK for your 14 year old DD to have underage sex, with your blessing, crack on, OP. Why are you even here for advice if you think its so great and fantastic? You want a pat on the back because your daughter came to you? Maybe she wanted you to care, maybe she wanted some fucking guidance, to even say no, she wasn't ready. MN Teenagers threads couldn't sink any lower, and congratulating mothers supporting this even though they fell in a bush (is that meant to be funny?) - how out of touch are you if she's been 'dating for 7 months' to be so frigging surprised.

I can't come back to MN Teenagers after today. I know it will just be more of the same yeah, let them take weed, underage sex, trash their rooms and home, its all OK, its what everyone's doing. What a bunch of lazy, self-indulgent parents is all I can say.

@reaaaaalflakeyMN 👏👏👏👏 always a troll behind a phone, did I say it was ok?? Did I ask for a pat on the back , and wash your potty mouth out. 😘😘😘

I was 14, it was the right time with absolutely the right person and he's my best friend 20 years later (both happily married to other people). I'm glad your DD is talking to you. You can't stop it from happening. You sound like a lovely, realistic mum.

Wow ignore realflakey OP. You sound like a great mum. You have explained it’s not ideal and you obviously have a great relationship if she can come to you about this. It’s a long term relationship (in teenage terms) and so no, you can’t really stop her. Just educate her and enable her to make choices that are right for her. The women at the clinic sounds v I professional. 14 year olds having sex is by no means unusual. What is unusual is that she felt comfortable enough to discuss with you. Good for you two.
And I also think the age of consent should be 18. Not to stop young people having sex at a younger age in a Mutually respectful way.
But to criminalise older men praying on 16 years olds.

☺️*@Helpmemyhairisterrible* thank you, for your kind words I've have had wonderful support on here from you ladies whilst we sit on our phones and our children are getting stoned and trashing their rooms 🙄🤭.

Thank you 😊

Sorry but that's too young. I'd be encouraging her to wait and I think she's not ready if she's actually asking for your permission. You seem to be dead keen for her to crack on. What's wrong with waiting for 6 months or a year? Why do we automatically think that because it's been suggested, it has to be. Perhaps she's under pressure from him? That's the conversation I'd be having. Waiting for her body to fully mature.
And as for the suggestion of talking it through with his parents. Really? It's not a shared birthday party or a play date. It's supposed to be a couple having sex. What would you say in that conversation?
"Hi there, Alice's mum here. So our kids are having sex now. Amazing hon isn't it? I nearly fell in a bush when Alice told me. Just so you know, if she does get pregnant, it's on you. Weird the way it's illegal in this country isn't it? We're just such cool cats aren't we? I talked it through with the mumsnet massive and they just said I was the best mum ever! My younger daughter is 12. Is that too young?"
Frankly if you need to discuss your kids having sex, then clearly they're too fucking young.

@ourkidmolly yet another potty mouth, (no need to use such language, makes you wonder how you speak in front of your children). I can't be bothered to give you anymore of my time by replying.

Potty mouth? Bizarre. You're more concerned about posters who use the word fuck than about your 14 year old daughter who is about to fucking fuck. Get real.

@ourkidmolly I just think there is absolutely no need for it, plus once youve pulled your head from your anus then smiling at yourself in the mirror re-read the posts !! I'm not encouraging my FOURTEEN year old daughter to have sex , BUT if she does then I want her to use protection, you fool. now please take yourself off to bed with your bar of chocolate and wake in the morning a nicer person and stop the swearing your mum and dad would be disappointed to have a fowl mouth dd

Have you encouraged them to wait until they’re older?

@Ginorchoc yes most definitely, I've told her they are both underage and it's against the law and I've said it's not something that should be rushed into. However if this does happen (which I believe hasn't yet) then I would like her to be protected and maybe after she see's her GP or SHN then it may bring it home to her that she isn't ready for this, but like I keep saying I have no control if it happens but I can make sure she/ he is using protection.

It always makes me laugh how ridiculous underage sex threads are. The age of consent is 16 is there to protect anyone younger been taken advantage off not to prosecute 2 teenagers of the same age. If police enforced this they wouldn’t be able to deal with actual crimes.

Btw, to people judging here - how old are your kids? Because it's very naive - you can't tell kids just to not do it.
It's a difficult balance to try to tell your teens that you don't approve of underage sex whilst also encouraging them to stay safe and use protection. And not to be too judgmental so that they know they can still speak to you about things. We've been through all this quite recently. I am not pleased that DD had underage sex but I am pleased that she talks to me about things and I know if there was a problem, she would seek my help.

Why are any alternative views jumped on so aggressively? I agree with ourkidmolly Sorry OP, you did ask for advice. Yes of course you want your daughter to be safe but I also think taking her for contraception will make her think it's ok. And it's not. It's illegal and she is very young to be dealing with a sexual relationship.

Have you discussed with her how the relationship might end? She will probably be thinking they are in love, be together forever etc. Teenage heartbreak is incredibly painful and will be more so if they've slept together.

Maybe your dd wants you to say no?

If you decide to put her on the pill I would seriously tell her not to let the boyfriend know so he will be under the impression that they are only using condoms.
One thing all boys have in common when the girl goes on the pill is that they put her under pressure to not use condoms.

childrenofstone I don’t agree with that you are encouraging her to bf. Surely toy should teach her that relationship should be honest.

OP, you're being realistic and that's good. Better to get your DD contraception than to stick to the strict line of 'just don't do it' and end up with an unwanted pregnancy.

Op, I sort of agree with you but are you 100% sure this is what she wants and she’s not going along with it to please the boyfriend. I would also be having a chat is she prepared to deal with the gossip at school (because her bf is sure as hell going to want to brag about it to his mates) even if he tells her he won’t. If she is mature enough to have sex is she mature enough to deal with the consequences.? Also the responsibility of making sure the pill is taken regularly and it may not be effective if she has a sickness bug, etc, etc. Plus I can’t see the bf wanting to use a condom if your daughter is on the pill. But you sound like a caring mum trying to do her best. Damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

I think 14 too young. I am 28 but I remember at school a lot of kids losing their virginity at age 15/16. Not many did it at 14, I know it is only a year later, but a year/two is huge when your in your teen years.

I have a DD and no way would I put her on the pill at age 14, how embarrassing and all your doing is condoning the underage sex and letting the boyfriend think he can have unprotected sex as shes on the pill. They should be using condoms.

You should also be trying to find out if she feels any pressure from her boyfriend to have sex.

I’m so torn on this . I think myself it’s way too young . But it’s good she talks to you . One thing is sticking in my head and my daughter told me othe other day that her friend who is 17 had sex for the first time recently and now really regrets it . I think that’s sad .
Kids these days are growing up to fast and should still be kids at 14/15.
But each is different.
I do wonder if your not going to allow your daughter to have sex in your house where do you expect her to have it ? In a park or a field of up against a wall somewhere . If I was condoning it I would rather they be safe tbh .

Pilates I agree about the gossip . My daughter says the whole school knows now that her friend is having sex . No orivacy anymore either

I have played bat and ball with this over the past couple of weeks now. Some of the comments I've received I wonder if all the posts have actually been read before making a post on this. It's got to the point where I feel I'm trying to defend myself as a mother and a person. In a nut shell, dd came to me and said it's something they discussed, no date has been put in their diary for this to take place, I have ask if he's pressuring her and apparently this is not the case. I have told her I think she should wait, that it is illegal I have never once said I'm pleased about it the thought fills me with dread. I have told her I will not have this go on under my roof , as for the park bench comment, I'm hoping that by all of the above they will see the barriers and not take the next step. 14 is way to young , I totally agree with all of that, I have said they can go together to the clinic as this is joint responsibility and hopefully that will put them off. my first question was that if this is going to happen i want her covered by using condoms and going on the pill , double protection at all times, that is if it happens at all. The only positive from all of this is that my daughter has had this conversation with me, feels able to have this conversation with me, By me supporting her to seek professional assistance in no way means that I am happy this may happen or giving her the green light to start having sex. IF it happens then I'd rather her be covered in all aspects and not come to me later down the line saying her period is late or that she has a sti , some of you may know would be devastating, I'm going to let this thread run its course now, but I do hope it helps other parents in the future if they are faced with the same situation. Thank you ALL for your opinions and I must say it's been a eye opener.

My daughter had a day case surgery at Manchester Children's hospital this week and they now have a policy to routinely pregnancy test any girl of age 12 and over, I was very shocked at this.