Do I make a statement to the police regarding my son?

[purple1972]

Oh - where to start. My 14 year old son has caused so many problems over the last few months. I am aware he is using cannabis but its difficult to catch that (and is always denied). He has serious anger issues. He has smashed things up in house (holes in walls, kicking and damaging doors and bedroom furniture). He is always angry, really angry. When he gets angry, he screams at me and oftens lashes out at walls, doors etc (never me). He has been excluded from school 4 times since January. School are keeping him in isolation on a reduced timetable. He has tried counselling (one session and they said he wouldn't engage so pointless), Early Help (voluntary social services), complete waste of time - literally monthly meetings over 6 months and nothing achieved. Even had him at doctors last week and they suggested - Early Help - joke !! Though I have made another appointment for next week. He is now dictating whether he goes to school. Twice this week he has screamed and shouted at me and got changed and left the house and just not gone to school. Nothing gets through to him. This week I made him angry by hanging up the phone on him, he called me back and threatened to smash car and windows. He came back to house and there was an argument. I warned him if he did any damage to the house I would call police (I have made this threat before and not carried it out). He kicked a wall and really damaged it, then left, so I rang police. He was arrested. Initially he was shocked and upset but then after a while the attitude set back in. Later that night he came back to the house while I was talking to police. He was angry but mainly attitude and a lot of muttering under his breath. The policeman shouted at him, threatened him with care for the night and he calmed down. I have a couple of days to think about it but do I make a statement and he goes down Youth Offenders route (he has had no previous criminal involvement with the police so first offence). I have tried to talk to him about what happened and he shows no remorse. He has said 'Sorry' for the wall but not shown any reason to make me believe that he is sorry, but even blamed me for not listening and hanging up the phone. I think in my heart I know he is out of control. I tell him he is grounded etc and he threatens to smash house up if he doesn't go out (also I am usually at work). He is not a nice human being right now. Nothing seems to register and he can't seem to acknowledge/understand that all of his problems, school, friends, home are actually due to his behaviour. Whilst he admits he can behave badly occasionally, he doesn't seem to stop or want to stop. I can't lock him in his room until this subsides so this has to be dealt with somehow. This morning he even told me that he would be better off in Care as he had asked his friends about it and you get a fiver a day and all of your meals (FFS). He complains that I don't listen, but then doesn't actually say anything when I do? Whatever I do he twists it to suit his needs and manipulates to get his own way !! I am completely broken xx

That must be so hard Purple. I think I can understand your worries about making a statement to the police, but what is the alternative if you don’t? Your son - and you! - need help; perhaps this might kick-start that. Good luck💐

Sounds like rage bordering on psychosis due to cannabis.

make that statement.
my own son punched my car windscreen 2 weeks ago, cracking it severely.
He is 19. If only he had been pulled up sharp when he was younger.
Honestly if he says he wants to go into care, let him. I know it sounds harsh, but...
Take care x

So sorry Purple - don't have any experience other than a friend who suffered with a very similar problem for over two years. Eventually she was close to a breakdown AND actually afraid of her son. She got a letter from her GP and then got the police, school and social services together (so that they couldn't just keep on passing the buck) and simply said she couldn't look after him anymore. He went in to care for around 4 months I think. It helped. He was linked up to a substance-abuse/anger management counsellor too - attendance was part of the requirement for being allowed to come home. There are still difficulties and she thinks he's still taking drugs but the violence has stopped. And he knows that she means it when she tells him that she won't put up with abusive behaviour (which is what this is). Sending a big hug to you - must be a living hell. x

I've no real advice though. Is he ever calm?

You poor thing. I have a friend in a similar situation but a few years down the line . She wishes she had taken the hard line earlier. With my friend we truly believe the cannabis was 90% to blame.

Make the statement. It might get him the help he needs for the drugs.

Oh my goodness !! So many comments so quickly !! You must feel my pain xx
Yes he is calm sometimes. And honestly, he has a sweet, nice and soooo funny side, but I see this less frequently. The last couple of weeks have been terrible. My own view is that the cannabis use triggered something in him, he smashed a few things up for effect at the start and realised that this gets him what he wants. I try to not give in but when you are at work and you truly believe that if he stays in the house more damage will be done - its difficult to control really (I know I have been way too soft with him). But I agree that cannabis has caused mental health problems. He can be paranoid too. Accused me of talking to my partner (he does not live with me atm) about him and got in a rage because of this. Mutters under his breath a lot or out or earshot and when you say 'What' He reacts with - doesn't matter you never effing listen anyway. I think if things stays as they are, nothing will get better, and will probably get worse, especially now that I have 'grassed' him to the police. I also fear if I make that statement then, potential criminal record and whatever else that brings (though I know he won't be in prison yet but if things continue he will end up there ). I understand that this may be the only option x

Don't report your son to the police, personally I think that would be an awful thing to do. But do seek help. Where is he getting cannabis from at only 14 years old?

Drugs are a blight on our society but seem to be accepted as normal behaviour. You need to contact camhs and if they have no capacity find the money so he can be seen privately. Don't mess with mental health.

Also, why is your son so angry? What has happened to him that has led to that? Does he have a father figure? If his dad is not in his life do you have a brother or someone that could step up and give him some guidance? What hobbies does he have? Can you get him into sport? Sorry don't mean to ask a host of questions but you need to help him get to the bottom of why he is behaving in this antisocial way. I can imagine it is very difficult for you though.

I think you have to OP, I understand your concerns, impact on his future etc, but letting him go on as he is will likely have a much worse impact. Without some form of intervention his behaviour will get worse and there may well come a point when you can't protect him from police involvement and he will end up with a criminal record, possibly for something much worse than criminal damage.

It's so hard when it's your own child but (and with no judgement/criticism implied) what you're doing isn't working and, as you've found, help with these kind of problems is just not forthcoming so what else can you do? He needs to learn that his actions have consequences, that he is now at an age where he will be held accountable and it's no longer the case that mum/dad can 'fix it' when he gets into trouble.

14 is a weird age, they act like they're grown up and want adult privileges but will still have that inherent belief that parents can/will/should clean up their messes when it all goes wrong. It will be a shock for him to realise that's not the case but he does need to, before he does something outside the house and takes the choice over whether he is prosecuted out of your hands.

I clearly have a very different relationship with my kids but I would never be the one that reported them. That doesn't mean I wouldn't threaten to report or put other penalties in place. What are you trying to achieve? Shock him into sorting out his behaviour? He doesn't care as he's an angry teenager. About to be given a criminal record by the person he should be able to trust. You need to work on building up trust with him so he knows you are there for him. And find out why he is so angry. And stop the drug use.

..and don't listen to anyone who says that calling the police on your own son is an 'awful thing to do'. You need back up. If he smashes other people's stuff, then they will call the police as it is a criminal act. You should do the same.

..and no OP is not 'giving him a criminal record' he is doing it for himself.

In a moment of calmness I would sit him down, tell him that you will not make a statement on this occasion but you will call the Police and make one at each and every further incident.

Tell him the impact his actions will have on his future.

I would also establish if he knew why he was so angry (I know you mention drugs but bullying?) and ask him if there's anything he can think of that would help him change.

Nothing on there indicates psychosis to me. But he is,a drg addict, and he will only change when he gets to rock bottom. At your title I thought 'no way would I call police' but you are living in hell and he is old enough to know. I'd ignore the care comments, and if you want to ring the police then do so.

I completely agree about the drugs, but we have tried counselling, social services, school have tried. He will engage with no one. He has refused any help with drugs. He has to buy into these things otherwise they are pointless. He has committed criminal damage. A few months ago I could see he was trying to improve things, but these last few weeks have been a nightmare. Nothing or no one can get through to him. Even when he was taken to the police station and put in handcuffs. His reaction at arrest was initial shock and upset but then he back-chatted and continued to blame everyone else for his arrest (even now he is still saying - If I hadn't have ended the call none of this would have happened). I had a shocking realisation when Victims First contacted me to discuss how I was and discussed the 'crime' and if I needed support. If I leave this and say 'next time' how much more damage will be done? He had another counselling session to go to this week at school, but he 'forgot', despite his last call to me saying 'and you can eff off if you think I'm going into school!' I can drag him to counselling but if he sits there in silence what is the point?

Cannabis use can and does trigger psychosis. The early and heavier the use, the more likely it is. It is far from a given, but just google "cannabis abuse and mental ill health in young people". Have you approached your local drug abuse services for advice?

The anger could well be from early psychosis. It's very very hard, but I'd go ahead with reporting to the police. It may well trigger interventions and referrals to services that can help. Including mental health services.

ballsed, and what when those threats/penalties don't work? OP has clearly been dealing with this for a while and is probably already well past the stage where threats and standard discipline 'penalties' will work. She's asked for help and got nowhere so I would love to know what you think she should do that she hasn't already tried?

It's really easy to say you would never report your own child but I seriously doubt you've ever been where she is, having already exhausted all 'normal' routes and at the end of her tether with how to help her DS before he potentially ruins his life.

You need to find out who delivers drug and alcohol services for young people in your area and talk to them. Camhs may be able to support his mental health needs but if these are mostly related to his substance use, there is very little that can be done if he doesn't address that.

My eldest is 12. To the very best of my knowledge he has not used cannabis or other substances (yet), but the rest of your story is very familiar to me- the multiple exclusions, the part time timetable, the anger, the aggression, the violence, the destructive behaviour, the complete lack of respect for you and regard for any boundaries you set... and the repeated let down by services. My son has camhs and the ed psych involved (both by my repeated request) and I have just self referred to the EHT, but so far no one has actually been able to help.

But I would definitely recommend finding your local drug service and talking to them; even if your son won't engage with them, they can advise you.

He's 14 ffs. He needs help not a criminal record. I used to volunteer in a young offenders wing. Sweet boys. All angry. Stupid convictions. Mainly shoplifting and joyriding. They would leave and be back again a few months later. Without exception they all needed counselling to deal with whatever had happened to them. I don't think prison did anything for them at all.

If your son gets a criminal record his life in probability terms will be harder. He is less likely to be employed and more likely to reoffend. Until you have exhausted all other avenues in your position o would not report him to the police. Everything could be taken out of your hands and they could decide to prosecute no matter that I presume you just want to give him a scare.

my son went to drug counselling sessions. Not that they worked.

Unfortunately it's only when police are involved in cases like these that help is stepped up. Call the police every time he is aggressive/shouting. Neither of you sound happy.

Don't report your son to the police,

You have to be kidding. He's threatening all sorts. Would you say this if it was her partner? He's 14 not 4.

Op please, please disregard any posts telling you not to.