Do I make a statement to the police regarding my son?

[purple1972]

Oh - where to start. My 14 year old son has caused so many problems over the last few months. I am aware he is using cannabis but its difficult to catch that (and is always denied). He has serious anger issues. He has smashed things up in house (holes in walls, kicking and damaging doors and bedroom furniture). He is always angry, really angry. When he gets angry, he screams at me and oftens lashes out at walls, doors etc (never me). He has been excluded from school 4 times since January. School are keeping him in isolation on a reduced timetable. He has tried counselling (one session and they said he wouldn't engage so pointless), Early Help (voluntary social services), complete waste of time - literally monthly meetings over 6 months and nothing achieved. Even had him at doctors last week and they suggested - Early Help - joke !! Though I have made another appointment for next week. He is now dictating whether he goes to school. Twice this week he has screamed and shouted at me and got changed and left the house and just not gone to school. Nothing gets through to him. This week I made him angry by hanging up the phone on him, he called me back and threatened to smash car and windows. He came back to house and there was an argument. I warned him if he did any damage to the house I would call police (I have made this threat before and not carried it out). He kicked a wall and really damaged it, then left, so I rang police. He was arrested. Initially he was shocked and upset but then after a while the attitude set back in. Later that night he came back to the house while I was talking to police. He was angry but mainly attitude and a lot of muttering under his breath. The policeman shouted at him, threatened him with care for the night and he calmed down. I have a couple of days to think about it but do I make a statement and he goes down Youth Offenders route (he has had no previous criminal involvement with the police so first offence). I have tried to talk to him about what happened and he shows no remorse. He has said 'Sorry' for the wall but not shown any reason to make me believe that he is sorry, but even blamed me for not listening and hanging up the phone. I think in my heart I know he is out of control. I tell him he is grounded etc and he threatens to smash house up if he doesn't go out (also I am usually at work). He is not a nice human being right now. Nothing seems to register and he can't seem to acknowledge/understand that all of his problems, school, friends, home are actually due to his behaviour. Whilst he admits he can behave badly occasionally, he doesn't seem to stop or want to stop. I can't lock him in his room until this subsides so this has to be dealt with somehow. This morning he even told me that he would be better off in Care as he had asked his friends about it and you get a fiver a day and all of your meals (FFS). He complains that I don't listen, but then doesn't actually say anything when I do? Whatever I do he twists it to suit his needs and manipulates to get his own way !! I am completely broken xx

Also, I have on countless occasions had calm sit down chats with him. Talking to him, counselling him, trying to get through to him, I have tried to understand, to support etc etc etc. I too always thought I would NEVER be that parent who called the police on my child. He is my absolute world but he is destroying his life and mine and essentially committing a crime against me (my house). If there was some remorse and acknowledgement that he would think about consequences of his actions. Yes he has said 'Sorry' for the wall and I think in all honesty he was surprised at the damage he actually did. But he keeps kicking, punching and beating up walls (hammers, sticks, whatever really). He has kicked my car in a rage too. As someone said my approach is not working and hasn't for some time. Maybe the tougher approach will work - or not, but I am running out of options xx

My son is convinced that I should keep any problems to myself , completely, not confide in anyone, not seek help and certainly not talk to the police, which would make me a 'fucking little grass'.

I would certainly recommend seeking help, why should OP keep all these issues secret?

Make the statement. It will get him additional help. If you make a statement, it will go to the Cautions Board as it's a first offence. They can add conditions to his Caution, meaning he will have to engage with the Youth Offending Team. The YOT have specialised workers (usually men) who will work with your son to try and keep him out of trouble. They can also bring in other services.

He will not get a criminal record. Even if he doesn't get a caution, and is convicted in court, his records will be sealed at 16 anyway. Juvenile offences don't have to be disclosed in adulthood, so you're not ruining his life with a criminal record.

The cannabis is almost certainly a significant factor here. There is a strong correlation between regular cannabis use under the age of 15, and psychosis. Do you have any other children in the house? This is bad enough for you, but it shouldn't be being inflicted on other kids.

If your son was an adult partner, you would be being urged to report him and kick him out. Separation would be seen as the only option when faced with the behaviour you're describing. It may be that a period of care, while he works on his behaviour, is what is necessary here. Hopefully not, but the situation seems to be getting worse.

You are not the only mum in this situation. Helen Bonnick is one of the leading researchers in this area, and her blog can be found here:

holesinthewall.co.uk/

There is loads of information there, and links to other sources of support. Hope this is some help!

Until you have exhausted all other avenues

Realistically, what other avenues do you think the op should go down?

I don't think the OP needs to keep this a secret. I honk her son needs appropriate help and she might need to pay to access that if it is not freely accessible.

Out of interest fourfried did reporting your son rectify his behaviour? What services were you able to access that were previously closed to you? Did the cps prosecute him?

There is help available but the OP needs to be very proactive in finding it. Has your son always had behaviour issues OP or did it coincide with his use of cannabis? Is the cannabis self medication for other issues?

I'm not saying that you can turn every child into an a* student who collects pictures of fluffy bunnies and helps out in the homeless shelter but something is going wrong for your son and you need to get to the bottom of it.

Personally I think cannabis is a very dangerous drug and I would be concentrating my efforts on getting appropriate help for his drug use.

" Out of interest fourfried did reporting your son rectify his behaviour? What services were you able to access that were previously closed to you? Did the cps prosecute him? "

no not really. I think I asked the police to remove him once but the case got dropped and there was no further action.

He did end up with the Youth Offending Team but they were as much use as a chocolate teapot, tbh.

oh I did phone them more recently after he had broken my windscreen, but the officer that came seemed to find it unserious/slightly amusing.

After that he ran off and I haven't seen him since.

Thank you to everyone (even the slightly judgy).

I never ever thought I would be in this position either and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. We were so close in the past and I obviously understand that a teenage lad does not want to confide in his mother, but there has been such a shift in his behaviour. I believe that drugs were the catalyst in this behaviour, but unless he opens up and acknowleges a problem (or at least the level of use) then all of the softer options will not work. Honestly, all avenues have been explored. He will simply not engage, open up, talk about how he his feeling, acknowledge or accept help. I have an awful feeling after an argument over the phone this morning that I may go home to further damage, so that could be my decision made for me. I thought maybe the arrest and being taken to the police station would have been a shock for him, but clearly not. This is my life too and at the moment he is dictating whether I am happy or not. The other night I had to shower in a minute and half for fear that he was on his way back after threatening to smash my windows and car. As a couple of people have said, if it was an adult there would be no question of reporting him. He fully understands right from wrong and yes he is a child (and a troubled one) but I have done everything and anything for him to help for about a year (the lashing out and smashing things started around September last year). The sit down and have a nice chat routes have been exhausted and both or our lives are still s**t. I don't believe that he is happy either xx

Some good advice on this thread OP. From my personal and professional experience I'd also look into redirecting the physicality of his behaviour. I've had some good results with very similar boys taking up a martial art, (both Karate and Taekwon do), boxing, running, a gym membership, football/rugby and so on. Even a punch bag in the bedroom/garage might help, and save the home. It's not a complete answer to what's going on by any means, but it's one aspect that can often help.

I believe you are right 'blackbelt', but I have tried persuading him to go to boxing etc. I know that this can help instill discipline, he says he'll think about it but then just says No. I also have a punchbag that I bought for the both of us (mine for exercise not for venting anger though). He uses it and I have suggested using that rather than kicking doors, but it doesn't work either. I agree though - some hobby, other way of venting. I even joked with him for me and him to start a two person running club (on a better day - obvs) - but - nope !

After reading your latest posts the yes, I would go ahead and make a statement.

I'm not judging you OP. You are in a shit situation and I feel for you. All I'm saying is that reporting him to the police isn't necessarily the answer and is unlikely to be the cure that gets your sweet son back.

Another thing my friend found hard to deal with was social services involvement for her younger children due to the risk to them from the violence etc. This left her no choice but to enforce him no longer living at home. Do you have other kids?

A really accessible book, (you might have already read it), is Get Out of My Life...But First Take Me & Alex Into Town, by Tony Wolf and Suzanne Franks.

I think it's particularly hard when you've been so close in the past. I feel your pain OP.

Hi. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Maybe you could do with a few sessions of counseling for support.
He’s so angry and pushing boundaries and out of control.
Is there a male role model? Does he have a relationship with his dad? He could certainly benefit from a positive male role model.
It sounds like you’ve tried everything. I’m not sure what you can do. Anger management would be great for him and n.a. But as you said, he needs to engage with these. I hope you both get through this soon.

really accessible book, (you might have already read it), is Get Out of My Life...But First Take Me & Alex Into Town, by Tony Wolf and Suzanne Franks.

Indeed it is a great book but more aimed at stroppy teenagers, not so much violent teenagers threatening to destroy your property.

I understand. I have asked for comments. As an outsider I would be thinking - you absolutely can't make a statement and potentially get your son a criminal record -what are you even thinking !! I have tried so many options, all getting nowhere. School have done what they can but with hindsight the reduced timetable has caused even more problems (That was social services suggestion), Early Help (Soc Services) - totally useless. Last week they advised I go on a Parenting Course. Now I am willing to try anything but this namby-pamby approach is futile in this situation. It appears even the 'experts' are stumped !!. The mum in me wants to make this ' last chance saloon' and hope something clicks into place - if he does it again - blah blah blah, but have I not been here before? - yes I have

FYI - I have no other kids and his 'dad' was a useless idiot who decided that as the 13 year old version (a lot nicer) forgot to say please once he would cut all ties until 'he learned some manners' (weirdly - coinciding with a new relationship - hmmmm???). And whilst I think that - yes this could have played a part in his behaviour, their relationship was strained and son used to avoid visiting him at all costs.

The mum in me wants to make this ' last chance saloon' and hope something clicks into place - if he does it again - blah blah blah, but have I not been here before? - yes I have

I think your feelings are totally understandable OP but your thought process is, sadly, spot on. As a mum of course you want to give him another chance but logically you know you can't. It's a horrible position to find yourself in, really want to send you a hug but know it's not MN etiquette

OP I went through this, exactly as you’re describing, ten years ago. My so became heavily addicted to cannabis when he was 15 and behaved as your son is doing. There were many horrible episodes when I thought of calling the police but I didn’t . It’s a really difficult one to call.

It’s not your fault. Some of my sons friends could have the odd spliff but my son became heavily addicted I suspect due to his personality. I got through it day by day but it wasn’t easy. I just want to give you hope as my son matured and stopped using cannabis. He is now back to the lovely person he once was. He is responsible and kind. He has a job and lives independently. Hang on in there, it will get better

Ah, just seen your last post. I can tell you as someone who never knew their dad that it doesn't matter one bit how the rejection comes or whether there was a decent (or any) relationship to start with, it still hurts like fuck and screws you up. That will be the route of this, without doubt, although I'm not sure how much knowing that helps in the short term unfortunately.

I agree with head, it's not a specialist book on violent behaviour. It does cover that to a point, more importantly helps in understanding why as a teenager he's behaving as he is, and gives some ideas for trying to communicate differently as a parent to try to help him, (and you).

Having seen your last post about the arse that is 'dad', I agree with Hiding that it's really significant. This has come at an already very difficult time hormonally. Ironically it's also often the boys who had a close relationship with their mum IME who struggle most with all these changes, but conversely come out the other side as young men to be proud of. It's hellish obviously at the moment OP, and I'm not minimising that in any way, but in all likelihood it will pass. He is in a storm of emotions he can't deal with or express, maybe using cannabis to cope, and you're getting the fight or flight response from him. Carry on loving him, (not that you won't), don't give up on him, (not that you will), because IME it's the kids who don't have that person in their lives who more often don't come safely out the other end.

In the absence of 'dad', is there anyone else who could take your DS under his wing, as a mentor and role model, and take a little pressure off you? A trusted grandparent, uncle/aunt, older cousin or family friend? Someone who would be a bit neutral, spend some regular time with DS, go along to a Taekwon do class with him, go walking for the day, or whatever?

I hope you also have some ways to look after yourself OP. A trusted friend to talk to, and the ability to let off some steam?

The end of term is almost upon us and I wonder whether he'll feel better or worse without the pressure/structure of school, and what your plans are for the 6 weeks. I would certainly want to get the reduced timetable reviewed asap if it's not helping.

I'm certainly not disputing that the absence of a 'dad' could have been a factor. I think it probably was. Ive talked to him about it. Even said I'd contact the waste of space and tell him to see his son (not in those words-obvs). He refused everytime. I grew up with a dad that couldn't be arsed, changed his mind about this parenting stuff when he found a new wife and it did not change my life in the slightest. But i agree his circumstances differ as he was embarking on a tough age/time for boys - and then last summer he discovered cannabis. Vile, disgusting stuff that is not the harmless stuff people think it is. I am seeing the effects first hand