Please give me the strength to go downstairs and carry on being supportive to my anorexic transgender child

[workingtowards]

I have just screamed at that I am a 'fucking cunt' in our back garden by my fourteen year old. The neighbours also now know that I am a 'Fucking bitch, who nobody likes or respects'. This is because the sprinkler was at the wrong angle and got the table wet.

I am at my wit's end. My daughter/son is anorexic, transgender, self harming, depressive and on the autistic spectrum. She / he is sporadically violent to both myself and my husband. I have spent the past 5 months out of work, trying to support her through her gastro-nasal refeeding and to reintegrate her/him her back into school. I have to monitor six meals a day, for some one who doesn't want to eat.

I am told by CAMHS to suppress my own emotions in a situation like tonight, as my daughter / son can't deal with other's emotions and will cut herself / stop eating/drinking. But I am worn out. Work is in pieces. My mother has dementia (my father was killed in a road traffic accident ten years ago). If I am honest, I don't understand transgenderism.

I am not sure why I am posting this. I think I am just right on the edge. Anyone else been here?

Dear workingtowards you sound like you are all alone with this angry child, do you have no other support in place,? You say you are called cruel names, this must be so stressful for you, surely the doctors are able to give you support, even if this is by funding support groups you can contact, I will go on line and see what I can find to help you. Will keep in touch

I am so sorry you are alone.

@workingtowards are CAMHS looking into any kind of diagnosis for your dd, because this behaviour sounds so extreme, and so very difficult for you.

Thinking of you.

CAMHS have recognised DC's Gender Dysmorphia, Depression and Eating Disorder. The violence and extreme behaviour can be symptoms of the latter we are told. Our problem is that everything is so tangled up and we have been told that the eating disorder has to be addressed first. We go to the hospital every day for support with that and also get family therapy. We are still waiting for individual therapy for DC.

@workingtowards I'm so sorry you are going through this and she is too. You sound like an amazing mum.

We had issues with dd, told CAMHS and they were able to bring the appointment forward a bit. But I know are very strapped.

Good advice. I will keep pushing italiangreyhound. The thing that is concerning me is that, although we have a report saying that DC may be on the Autistic Spectrum by the Child and Adolescent Psychiatrist from an earlier hospital visit and requesting that this should be followed up, nobody seems to be responding to our requests to do so. Everyone seems much keener to investigate the transgender route.

workingtowards it's interesting what you say about people wanting to investigate the transgender stuff instead of anything else as that's my feeling too.

It makes no sense to me to look at that rather than the underlying ASD or mental health issues. I think my DD may well be depressed which I think is adding (causing?) her feelings that she hates her body but she believes it is because she is transgender and everyone seems keen to jump on that as the answer to everything.

I would find that approach easier to understand if the physical treatment options for gender dysphoria were not so terrifying. Artificial hormones with dangerous side effects including infertility, invasive surgery etc seem like they should be only considered once every possible other avenue has been explored - not as a starting point.

Also the idea that a teenager as so obviously distressed and mentally unstable can diagnose herself and have everyone nodding in agreement is absurd to me.

Is your DD on any medication at all?

I find that so disturbing. ASD can cause feelings of enormous discomfort with social norms, including gender norms, but gender dysphoria cannot cause ASD. Surely if you have a child presenting with both ASD and gender dysphoria you throw all the resources at the ASD first, before treating the gender issues that may be a manifestation of the ASD?

I am really worried that autistic teenagers are being encouraged down the gender route because it's quicker, cheaper, less resource intensive, and because it has more social cache than autism among the children themselves (I am now hearing "autistic" shouted between teenagers in the way that "gay" used to be )

Completely agree with everything last posters have said.

I also feel that although gender dysphoria may produce some side affects in behaviour transgender people someyimes seem to have successfully hidden their dysphoria in past times. Suggesting an element of control not being described in this behaviour.

I'd be wondering about behavioural disorders etc and just let gender dysphoria be dealt with by androgynous clothing and male pronouns Surgery and drugs are not legal at this age in the UK.

It sounds like your dd op has multiple things going on so the dysphoria is part of it but eating disorder is so immediate. You are incredible for coping with this.

Are you in touch with BEAT the anorexia and eating disorder charity? Can they offer anything?

My friend's son has anorexia. It is very hard but I think he is getting help.

Please just hang on in there.

What is the advice when she is violent with you? Can you remove yourself from the situation?

I really feel for you @workingtowards. my own teenage dd has depression, anxiety, migraines, eating issues, and is currently undergoing asd assessment. she's (for the moment at least) comfortably gay, I guess I'm holding my breath to see whether trans arises for her or not.

in some ways it's "easier" to handle that she internalises, rather than externalises through aggression or violence, but maybe an external outlet might have prevented her suicide attempt. I'm so sorry that you have to soak up her frustration and confusion like a sponge, I really hope you can find support for yourself - and dp and other dc(s).

how does she feel about the possibility of autism? desperately trying to find a way to fit - or not - finding permission to be yourself - seems to be a shared autistic experience (I'm adult diagnosed, and it certainly has been for me). there are an increasing number of resources reflecting specifically female experience of autism that I've found incredibly helpful - and affirming - I'm not a failure or a freak, I'm a completely normal autistic person trying to make sense in a predominantly neurotypical world. that knowledge lifted a significant burden once I'd been able to absorb and process it.

I hope it might be helpful to signpost you/dc towards some female-centred autism resources:

the girl with the curly hair project has subscriber-only content (£2.99/mo) and even with a fair amount of in-depth research behind me I find the blogs very insightful reading.
scottish autism's supporting women and girls resources are all free and available uk-wide.
the pupils of limpsfield grange have worked on a number of projects, they're on and had input into the books m is for autism and m in the middle that chimed both for dd and for me.
also, anything Sarah Hendrickx has to say is worth listening to imho.

fwiw my dd is pretty sanguine about maybe being autistic, she can relate to many of the accounts written by girls and women and has friends either with a dx or also on the assesment pathway. it's helpful to be aware of but doesn't necessarily define or limit her. as her mum, I'm thankful that accepting that as part of her identity doesn't require changing herself to fit.

sorry, I've waffled, but it's a relatively recent understanding for me that frames pretty much everything else pretty comprehensively. which is why I'm keen on spreading that awareness. it may not be useful/relevant for you and dc, but maybe it will be.

sending calm, strength and

@iwishicouldbelikedavidwatts great resources.

Sending calm and strength right back to you iwishicouldbelikedavidwatts. It sounds like you have a tangle of disorders to struggle through just like we do. It is so hard - a long haul to get to where we are and a long haul ahead of us. Good luck to you too.

With regards to DC, I have to admit that I had underestimated the EDIS team when I said that everyone seemed focussed on the transgender issue rather than autism. Although the psychiatrist last week seemed to be focussed purely on establishing my child's gender identity as male, the EDIS team recognise that DC's social difficulties, violent outbursts, compulsive behaviour and rigid thinking need to be acknowledged and are pushing for an ASD assessment.

I have been gently raising the idea of looking into whether DC is on the autistic spectrum with him recently. My DC is on board with this, as there are so many things that are difficult (even walking down a pavement, when his feet have to be positioned in a certain position to each crack).

You will notice I am now saying 'him'. I still don't fully understand being transgender and if I am honest, it is still alarming to me that my child is transgender (hormones, surgery - how do I come to terms with that?). However, what is undeniable at the moment is that to deny my DC his male identity at the moment causes him huge pain and leads to self harm and anorexia. He says that he has felt like this for two years. So, he now has a new name and within the home we are using the male pronoun.

This is not something we have done lightly and I do find it quite hard, but if there is one thing that I have learnt from the Eating Disorder training that we were given, you can't reach out to someone if you deny how they feel. It's really a question of how we move on from here.

italiangreyhound Unfortunately when he is violent, there is no way to remove myself, as he is right in my face and I can't create any space between us unless my husband is here to hold him back. x

OMG iwishicouldbelikedavidwatts that video is wonderful. That's exactly it.

if there is one thing that I have learnt from the Eating Disorder training that we were given, you can't reach out to someone if you deny how they feel

I think this is a really insightful perspective. My experience of GIDS is only second-hand but my understanding is that they generally still lead very much with "watchful waiting" - hormones and surgery are frankly terrifying from where I'm sat, but anything like that would be a long way down the line.

finding a way of establishing connection, trust and dialogue has to be the first step in approaching the intense distress that drives anorexia and self-harm. I guess as with younger children it's a question sometimes of picking our battles.

I firmly believe that there is a specific association between female socialisation (and by that I mean in the wider world, not just within the family, I'm the product of a second wave feminist upbringing and decidedly "non-binary" in today's terms) and an expression of autistic spectrum conditions that has been widely overlooked because of the tendency to act in rather than act out

I'm hugely relieved that professional understanding is finally widening to recognise this "female" experience (I think it's broader than that, but as a short-hand it's helpful) and services are better geared to identifying it. Wishing you and ds the very very best luck with the next bits.

(btw 14 is awful - it feels as though we might be gradually hitting an upswing here since 15 clicked in :D everything-crossed-not-tempting-fate)

@workingtowards I think you are right to use the pronouns and names he chooses. It must be incredibly hard but it may help him.

'Unfortunately when he is violent, there is no way to remove myself, as he is right in my face and I can't create any space between us unless my husband is here to hold him back.'

I really feel for your own safety you must find some way for him to remove himself or you to remove yourself. I would hope the professionals would be able to come up with something.

Does any of this help at all?

www.familylives.org.uk/advice/teenagers/behaviour/teen-violence-at-home

lrsb.org.uk/uploads/making-a-safety-plan.pdf

You are doing an amazing job. Supporting your child through an eating disorder is extreme parenting. You have all the other huge issues to deal with and then there is surviving life with a teenager. I found a weekly session with a counsellor helped me get through the bleak times. The swearing jars but it's only words. My chn do the same and my neighbours make unhelpful comments. I am sorry it mars their afternoon in the garden but that's low on my list while trying to stay afloat with an angry teenager.