Please give me the strength to go downstairs and carry on being supportive to my anorexic transgender child

[workingtowards]

I have just screamed at that I am a 'fucking cunt' in our back garden by my fourteen year old. The neighbours also now know that I am a 'Fucking bitch, who nobody likes or respects'. This is because the sprinkler was at the wrong angle and got the table wet.

I am at my wit's end. My daughter/son is anorexic, transgender, self harming, depressive and on the autistic spectrum. She / he is sporadically violent to both myself and my husband. I have spent the past 5 months out of work, trying to support her through her gastro-nasal refeeding and to reintegrate her/him her back into school. I have to monitor six meals a day, for some one who doesn't want to eat.

I am told by CAMHS to suppress my own emotions in a situation like tonight, as my daughter / son can't deal with other's emotions and will cut herself / stop eating/drinking. But I am worn out. Work is in pieces. My mother has dementia (my father was killed in a road traffic accident ten years ago). If I am honest, I don't understand transgenderism.

I am not sure why I am posting this. I think I am just right on the edge. Anyone else been here?

I’ve reported LaCucarachaa‘a post too. Really not appropriate at this stage.

@LaCucarachaa what am awlful thing to say to a parent who’s doing an amazing job in very trying circumstances. The OP’s child is struggling and that is absolutely not the OP’s fault and to imply in anyway that it is is disgusting. You ought to be very ashamed of yourself and your blaming, shortsighted post.

"Although this is very difficult for you at the moment, nobody wakes up one day and decided to be trans, they're born trans."

I think that's somewhat open for debate, and certainly not something that can be stated so dogmatically, @LaCucarachaa. I think the OP is entitled to be confused that her child is distressed by her born presentation and has no real idea of what would make her happy. I think that's the whole point of all this - she is helpless to make it better, and that's what Mums do. That's a pretty hard situation to be in, and regardless of why she's in it, I think we need to give @workingtowards our complete support in how she's trying to cope with this with very limited support from services.

I think you're flipping marvelous workingtowards

I didn't say it was her fault, I suggested family counselling, agreed the name calling was out of line etc but in this day and age there's no reason not to "get" transgender issues. Saying "he/she" is also not productive or supportive.
Apologies if it came off harsh but if you had a friend that committed
suicide over trans issues you'd feel the same when it came to fiercely protecting trans people.

Aw sweetheart , you sound lovely butvat your wits end .

I’m afraid you cannot take a declaration of transgender ID from any child at face value (no - people - you CANT ) but especially not one with copathologies of depression and anorexia nervosa .
Such disorders as anorsexia and depression are often interlinked with each other , a horror at puberty and a desperate need for control over what seems like a word running away from a child who can’t keep up .
Moreso in an autistic child , who - in horror at female puberty , and having no doubt absorbed so much from society as to desperately wish to be th opposite sex - may well[especially given other cognitive challenges which alienate such] be very persistent in a belief thaybare the opposite sex .

Now , I know people are going to react to this with “what do you know , all things being equal “ , but all things are NOT equal . And even if they were , face value - in children - is naive .

A good resource is “4th Wave Now” and “Transgender Trend “ They have many such stories and links to sympathetic ears who will not tutorialise you that refusing to enable such a troubled child is tantamount to encouraging suicide .
Anyone who tells you that , is nobody’s friend.

Good luck darling XXXXX

@LaCucarachaa how awful of you to come into a thread where someone is getting appropriate advice and support dealing with a very difficult issue, and use it as an opportunity to grandstand your dogma.

Back from the hospital. We spent three hours with one of the eating disorder team who talked my DC round and helped us to get her back eating again (she was briefly refusing to eat) too. The cuts are numerous (at least 70), but not so deep that we needed to go to A&E. The EDIS nurse looked at them. My DC has agreed to put whatever she used to hurt herself on my desk at some point this evening.

The whole transgender thing is so confusing and I know people are very polemicised. I think, LaCucharachaa, it was your 'get over yourself' opening gambit that wasn't very sensitive when put to a woman who has just had to bandage up their child's arms and legs. Interestingly, with regards to being trans from birth, my DC says that she has only known since she was twelve, not before. However, she says that she has never been able to talk to people without being really stressed by it, which is why I want to make sure that her autism is looked into properly too, as it would seem that that preceded her gender dysphoria.

@ LaCucarachaa. Nobody “commits suicide over””transgender issues alone” , it’s always a whole host of other issue too .
And - while it’s tragic - just as many such commit suicide after , when they discover little Jason changed .
We all know you no doiubt love your friends - kudos for that and sentiments accepted - but such narrative not only serves to hand ammunition to emotional blackmailers, it also convinced troubled kids it’s transition, or death .

@workingtowars

Im a “strong woman” who - in days past - would’ve been called a tomboy . I’m also bisexual and have occasionally found interpersonal politic (especially amonsgt females ) baffling .
I spent twenty years in the navy and having suffered a concealed ED between ages 21 and 34 , I found myself wondering if I was ASD , as also felt twinges of GID on occasion .

Turns out I’m a pretty normal INTJ who’s a bit GNC

Thank god I was a kid then , not now .

You’re doing your best. Bless you XXXX

[Flowers], WorkingTowards. That's so agonising for you all. Poor bloody kid and poor you.

Go away, LaCucarachaa, if you have NOT personally tried to steer a self-harming, non-eating child with ASD through their teenage years.

We are very fucking used to everyone and their uncle suggesting that the child's mental health problems are our fault as parents, believe me.

You have my utmost sympathy. I was anorexic as a teen and put my parents through hell (not deliberately).

Transgender Trend run a parents forum for gender critical parents of trans teens which I think could be really helpful to you. 4th Wave Now is another organisation of gender critical parents. There are a lot of articles there on the links between ASD and trans identification in teenage girls.

Do what you can to look after yourself.

Thank you everyone else for your support though. It does help and once DC goes to bed I will take a look at the things that people have suggested. Knowing that some people have been through this and got through to the other side is of some comfort too. Some days it just feels like it is never going to stop. The violence and anger make it harder - she will hit me repeatedly if she gets angry and my husband isn't here to stop her. When he is here and can hold her back, she will bite and kick him. Just awful.

OP sending strength as a parent who understands some of what you are going through wrt ASD and severe distress

I hope you are able to get some rest this evening

I'm sorry you were given unhelpful commentary by @LaCucarachaa.

I'm sad to say this, but it is my experience (I'm a regular on the transwidow posts) that you will get idiots who ego allows them to imagine that they understand your loved ones mental health, better than you do.

You will get people who denigrate your attempts to help your child, because your experience doesn't match their imagination of what is going on in your life. You sadly will be attacked by morons who want your child to act as a demonstration of their belief system.

I don't say that to make you feel bad, because there is sensible support out there. There have been some great suggestions on this thread.

Gird your loins, get a good repertoire of ways to say fuck off, and keep battling.

Massive unmumsnety hug to you and your child. Try to keep her offline as much as possible, to allow her to resolve her issues without unqualified "help". X

I know that there have been suggestions from autism groups that autistic people should have a longer period of living in their chosen gender before getting a GRC, because if it is an autistic special interest (SI) masquerading as GID rather than actual GID, the average cycle of a special interest is 2-3 years. It took me 2 years to work through it, during which it occupied most of my waking thoughts.

Does your DC know any autistic adults? Could you take them to autistic pride events, or Autscape which are run by autistic people for autistic people? And what about gender non conforming adults?

You are being incredibly strong

You are doing all the right things. It is so, so hard and I am in awe of that strength, I can tell from your posts that this is absolutely gut wrenching for you but still, you’re keeping on going somehow. Much love to you and your child. Well done love x

@workingtowards I am so sorry you are in this situation. And so sorry for your daughter.

Please, please look after yourself, ask for some counselling from your GP surgery, you need it.

I've got friends going through quite a few things and I haven't much advice except to say for the transgender thing just give your child lots of love and affirmation and go along with their feelings about themselves as long as you feel it is safe to do so. By that I mean I have a friend whose dd is identifying as boy, my friend was very shocked, handled it quite badly, couldn't cope at first and has slowly started to feel calmer.

Her dd is on the spectrum, and both the child and mum are lovely but the child is quite selfish and fixated and was very keen to get a binder. So the mum eventually got her a compression top from an autistic support organisation (PM me if you want to know more). All the other stuff like calling her him and using a male name and stuff the mum resisted and then slowly started to do it a bit of the time.

I think she feels that eventually this will either change or it won't and by the time her child is older she will find it has worked itself out! She's a very good friend and I have found it really hard watching her go through this but hopefully I've been able to support her.

I hope you have some friends who can support you.

My own dd is on the spectrum and has had some difficult behaviour, not what you are describe but sometimes difficult, aggressive etc and quite obsessive about certain things. When my dd is so diffiuclt I do rage at her dad and complain but eventually I know I need to just get on with things and make the connections where I can.

Another dear friend has a dd who self harms, but, and here is the good news, despite the self harm and mental health issues her dd is growing into a lovely woman who is looking to the future, work etc, relationships.

All these friends I have known for years and seeing things move on and get better has been quite inspirational. I can't promise that for anyone, of course, but things can get better.

Please get yourself some support.

Last thought at least two of the girls I know, if not more, have actually identified as gay or been in lesbian relationships at times.

And sometimes an awareness of being gay or whatever may be part of the mix! All the mums I can think of have been very supportive of their children saying they are gay etc and this has helped I think.

May not be relevant to you at all, but may be. The reason I say mums and not dads is because I tend to speak to female friends about all this and don't know my dd's friends' dads!

How's it going workingtowards? I hope things are a bit calmer.

No useful words lass. Can only send you a handhold.

Things are chaotic. Even our key worker, who is always so calm, says that it feels like we have done two months in three days. There was a another crisis , triggered by my DC asked me if I would buy a binder to restrict her breasts. I said that I wasn't going to say no, but thought that I needed time to think and to talk to her dad and to people who can support us. It triggered a massive meltdown 4 hours later in the EDIS clinic. Locking herself in the toilet, bellowing and crying. Three members of staff calmed her down. She spoke openly about her transgender thoughts to everyone for the first time and was then on a high. We said that we would get the binder, as it wasn't worth distress over such a small thing. My DC was happy in the evening, like a barrier had been broken down.

We had a Family therapy session this afternoon in which she talked more than she ever has and was listened to and plans put in place to try to move things forward. However, this evening, she has had a violent, almost psychotic episode, starting with her throwing her phone at my face, kicking and hitting, screaming and then running out of the house (we no longer chase her, there's no point, we can't catch her), coming back, slapping me across the face, screaming and bellowing for an hour and a half in her bed and kicking the walls.

My husband and I are working as a team, but are both exhausted. It's absolutely unrelenting. We are not giving up though. Tomorrow is another day.

You are one of the strongest women I have ever come across. It sounds absolutely horrendous, for all of you including your child. I can’t offer anything else useful but I’m here with a handhold, wishing you all the strength you need to come through this

This sounds so unbelievably tough for you and your family workingtowards.

Is your child taking any medication? I ask because you describe her as depressed, and I wonder if some of the explosive episodes are in part exacerbated by taking an SSRI medication irregularly? Also, do they coincide with PMS at all?

Obvs you don't need to answer, but just something else to throw into the mix. High levels of adrenaline/cortisone hence anxiety are part of anorexia and anxiety often co-exists with autism; taking SSRIs irregularly can really make thought processes become very extreme very quickly.

Dear workingtowards it has been a long time since I have spoken on mumsnet, some will remember me and I met some really nice people who will give you sound advice, I can not advise you on anorexia but I can on transgender as I have been one all my life, I had many misconceptions when I first spoke on this column and some comments hurt even though they were true for the most part, being trans takes people in different ways, I knew I was different from the age of reason but was born in a time that knew nothing of my condition, today it is almost to easy to say you are trans and to be honest I fear for some as they use this to opt out of what is really wrong, there are groups out there that can help
The Boumont society are one , the Samaritans, and many new groups have surfaced,I am a pensioner now and became a real person when I was 40
Transsexuals can be very self absorbed bordering on selfishness, we can be over zealous and narrow minded but if your child is transgender please listen to her/him,give your child support but most of all DONT BLAME YOURSELF, my mother was not to blame for me , and after many years of blaming God, He was not to blame either,would I change anything, .....yes I should have been born with a matching body and brain in either gender.