Please give me the strength to go downstairs and carry on being supportive to my anorexic transgender child

[workingtowards]

I have just screamed at that I am a 'fucking cunt' in our back garden by my fourteen year old. The neighbours also now know that I am a 'Fucking bitch, who nobody likes or respects'. This is because the sprinkler was at the wrong angle and got the table wet.

I am at my wit's end. My daughter/son is anorexic, transgender, self harming, depressive and on the autistic spectrum. She / he is sporadically violent to both myself and my husband. I have spent the past 5 months out of work, trying to support her through her gastro-nasal refeeding and to reintegrate her/him her back into school. I have to monitor six meals a day, for some one who doesn't want to eat.

I am told by CAMHS to suppress my own emotions in a situation like tonight, as my daughter / son can't deal with other's emotions and will cut herself / stop eating/drinking. But I am worn out. Work is in pieces. My mother has dementia (my father was killed in a road traffic accident ten years ago). If I am honest, I don't understand transgenderism.

I am not sure why I am posting this. I think I am just right on the edge. Anyone else been here?

[workingtowards]

Believe me HarryLovesDraco. I wouldn't be calling my daughter 'he' if she hadn't attempted suicide or didn't keep cutting or starving herself when I call her 'she.'

[Dragongirl10]

Op sorry to say l cannot be very useful, but read your post and felt so sorry for this really hard situation you find yourself in, it could be any of us......You are incredible for your patience, resilience and understanding..( even if you don't feel it)

Wishing you and your family the best of luck and support.

[ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs]

Oh God, that sounds awful and my heart goes out to you. I have a 14 yo and a 13 yo ( both dds) and I find them hard work as it is, never mind trying to negotiate the trans gender issue! It sounds like you are doing a great job and being supportive. I wish I could help, but I don't know how.

[HarryLovesDraco]

Call her whatever she asks you to call her. I just meant to yourself; don't try to gaslight yourself and convince yourself she's a boy.

[Badgerthebodger]

Absolutely appreciate that on the Feminism board there are posters who do not add greatly to any debate (as anywhere!) but there are a good many wise voices and you might find some help. Just a suggestion anyway. I think my main point is to do whatever you need to do to come out the other side of this. Your daughter may well end up being more comfortable living as a boy, but it’s my bet that the problems she feels now will still be there if she transitions.

My heart really does go out to you both. Navigating the teenage years is hard enough without adding anything else into the mix and I hope you can find some strength from somewhere to keep persevering and loving her, and hopefully she will come out the other side. In terms of practical advice, could you try and find a really good counsellor? The holy grail would probably be one who was experienced with transgender issues but be careful they don’t advocate blind acceptance of the transgender identity as I don’t really think that’s going to make your daughters situation any better.

[PoppySeedRoll]

You poor thing. We have had a few years of DD feeling this way (minus the anorexia) and only now at 17 have things calmed down with them being on sertraline. ASD girls do seem to erupt at 14.

[GatherlyGal]

We are going through similar workingtowards. I've actually found it helpful to step back from the more political voices on both sides of the debate about trans issues because it adds a level of emotion which is just not needed at the moment.

Everyone's situation is personal to them and things are so nuanced that loud opinions on either side just add to the pressure.

What has helped me is accepting that while protecting you kids from harm is a big part of being a parent you are not responsible for everything that happens to them - particularly what they do to themselves.

We are getting help for our DD from CAMHS but there seems to be huge variance across the country in terms of service provision and wait times etc. Would some private therapy be possible financially? If your DD will not engage then for you at least?

Its small consolation I'm sure but venting anger at you is possibly better than at her self.

It is such a horrendous thing to go through as a parent and we just have to hope that time helps these girls to make sense of their feelings and find a way through.

Thinking of you.

[Helmetbymidnight]

God, what a nightmare.

You really need to take care of yourself too - as you know - but please meet mates, offload, walk, whatever it is you like to do.
Don't let this bring you down. (Don't worry about the neighbors - good people will be compassionate, don't give a shit about ones who aren't.)

Is there any chance you can stretch to private counselling? Waiting for CAHMS is like...I dunno...waiting for something that never comes (and is ineffective when it does)

[workingtowards]

Thank you everyone. I have basically been in bed all day. My husband has realised that I was at breaking point. I feel a bit more ready to go back into the fray now. Holding on to the positives, she is eating at the moment and has managed to go to school today. We have seven weeks to wait for the counselling to start and I think we will just need to tough it out, as finances aren't good what with me not being able to work. I think you may be right HarrylovesDraco that trying to try to mentally shift my image of my daughter to being a boy before I am ready is not helpful to my own mental wellbeing. The anorexia, suicidal thoughts and self-harm present a much more immediate threat.

[NorthernSpirit]

I really feel from you. A 14 year old child screems at you and calls you a f&cking c&nt and f&cking bitch and you are told you have to ‘surpress your emotions’. Do people forge you are human and have feelings to.

Sending you all the best.

[NorthernSpirit]

I meant do people forget....

[TAmum123]

I have every sympathy with you. Dd has ASD plus adhd and GAD and has been a nightmare - huge problems with self harm, borderline anorexic, suicidal thoughts and plans including a potentially lethal paracetamol overdose. It started when she was 13, she has been out of school for 18 months and had 4 admissions to adolescent mental health units, with 2 of them lasting 6 months each. I do have empathy with you - she once attempted to beat me up in the front garden and the police have been called multiple times.

To encourage you: she is now 17 and doing loads better, will be returning to full time education in September, is successfully doing work experience and voluntary work at the moment. She is a totally different person. We have been very lucky - there is a specialist ASD camhs team in our area and they have been amazing.

[PoppySeedRoll]

If CAMHS are any help ask them if you can have counselling with them too. I used to have an hour on my own there once a fortnight and it was so much needed.

[Happymonster]

My heart absolutely goes out to you. You sound like an amazingly strong person to have kept it together through all that. I hope a few days on from the crisis moment you are feeling ok.

I am a parent to an ASD teen and another child who also has some issues (incl early stages of an eating disorder), possibly as a result of dealing with fall out from DC1 - so I share a little bit of your pain. I got called a 'fucking retard' in the middle of the supermarket by my dc the other day (for picking up the 'wrong' type of butter) - a mother and young girl stared at us with open-mouthed shock. Another time, DC had a sudden violent meltdown when we were trying to go out as a family - front door was open and dc shouted out very loud that they were being abused - a few neighbours were in the street and heard - ironically we are the ones that sometimes get physically attacked. I used to care a lot about what people were thinking - that we are bad parents. Not strict enough/too strict/helicopter parents/neglectful parents, even abusing parents. They don't know/understand what is really going on. You have to tell yourself it doesn't really matter what they think although that can be extremely isolating (though I did apologise/try to explain to the neighbours).

I've found CAMHS a waste of time - they just seem impossibly underresourced - it's been over 20 months since we were first referred by GP and it's just not happening. We have had huge help from a counsellor at school. His take on those meltdown situations is that we shouldn't take the abuse personally and try our best to remain calm as an angry response stresses dc out further - if necessary shrug our shoulders and walk away and let child calm themselves down. He also works with DC to help them work out their own strategies for staying calm under stress. It is very hard and you have to have nerves of steel but I think ultimately it does help as the meltdowns now dissipate quicker.

There is not enough help for families in difficult situations with their children - the child's problems might be addressed by professionals but it is just assumed the parents are adults and can and will cope. You can seem like you are coping when actually it feels very dark - your world is falling apart and at times you really really hate/resent your precious child. No-one says - 'well done, you are doing brilliantly - are you finding time/energy to look after yourself properly? Do you need a bit of extra help? Can we offer respite care so you can go away and have a few hours/days to do things for yourself?'

I know very little about the transgender thing, though we have two separate friends who are dealing with their young daughters wanting to transition at the moment and finding it very challenging as parents.

We have so far resisted joining support groups - not sure I could cope with it, although I have messaged a little bit on forums when things have been very bad, but I do find some of the judgy comments rather unhelpful.

You have had lovely supportive comments here, so do try to let us know how things are.

[workingtowards]

Oh God. She refused to go to school this morning. I left her resting on the sofa and have come back after just two hours. She has sliced all up her left arm and tops of her legs with about 70 cuts. We are going to the hospital again. It's unbearable.

[birdbandit]

This is so unfair. You are not equipped to care properly with someone who is clearly having a mental health crisis, yet you are expected to be able to do just that.

Care in the community is failing people like your child, and their families.

I'm so sorry for you.

[Kleinzeit]

I'm so sorry to hear that. You are doing everything you can.

[Badgerthebodger]

Oh no, oh that’s so awful. For you and her both. I hope hospital can do something to help, I think any intervention from professionals at all at this stage has to be helpful in some way. I’m so sorry you’re just being left to cope, I don’t have any useful advice whatsoever but am thinking of you and hoping you manage to get support

[Singlenotsingle]

Isn't there any kind of respite care available to give you a break? Sorry if that sound harsh or inappropriate, I haven't got any experience in this area. Just thinking the healthier and more well-known rested you are, the better it will be for the whole family.

[catinasplashofsunshine]

You poor thing

Surely the girls doing similar are not good for each other. Nobody would suggest a proanna site to support her anorexia, so suggesting she gets encouragement from other dysmorphic children to affirm her belief she needs to harm her body in another way makes no sense.

Are there support groups for parents of autistic teens?

I wish you strength, parenting a suicidal, self harming mentally unwell teen is probably as hard as parenting can possibly get.

I hope Clown and others who've come through this can help somewhat and this is something that your family similarly come out the other side of.

[catinasplashofsunshine]

www.parentsofrogdkids.com/other-causes-for-gender-dysphoria/ I don't know whether you've seen this support site for parents workingtowards ? Maybe it could be of some use? Lots of coverage of the autism-transgender link. There may be parents on there going through what you are.

[SecretNutellaFix]

Have you heard about Lily Maynard's blog? It's a really good and thoughtful one about her own daughter's experience with transgenderism.

[RiverTam]

I have report LaCucarachaa‘s post. Emotional manipulation to ensure she doesn’t dare go off-message. Awful thing to post.

OP, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I second looking at Transgender Trend and Lily Maynard’s blog. Your DD (and i agree with calling her what she is comfortable with to her face whilst never forgetting that she can’t change sex) is almost a textbook case for saying she’s trans.

for you