I know this has been discussed on MN again & again, but putting it into words is helping me to work out what I feel, & hopefully I'll get some positive ideas on how I can deal with this
DD is 16 & her BF of 3 months is 15. She's mature, intelligent, the usual mass of teenage hormones & in the middle of GCSEs. BF is in the year below at her school, comes over to ours a couple of times a week & seems to be nice, polite, funny, & makes her happy.
He's stayed over at ours twice. I made it clear that he was to sleep in the spare room, DD in her room. The first time she 'fell asleep' in the spare room with him & so stayed in there overnight. The 2nd time she did go back to her room - I reiterated the rule to her (& him) before he stayed, said I might check in the night if I was awake, & she was asleep in her room at 2.30 am when I did check.
She's frustrated that I won't let them sleep in the same room, saying that she's mature enough & 'not a child'. She's also told me they wouldn't have sex yet & she knows it's technically illegal (tho' I'm aware that it's very unlikely they would actually be prosecuted if they are both consent & are similar ages & close to 16).
I told her I'd only feel comfortable with her sleeping in the same room if they were both at least 16 & in a long term loving relationship, & that she needs to respect this. She keeps asking "when", and "why". I've told her I can't just give her a date after which it would be OK, and it's because I don't feel comfortable with them sharing a room overnight in my house at the moment.
DS didn't share a room here with his GF until he was 18, but his GFs hardly ever stayed here anyway. DD is very very different to DS, more inclined to be rebellious / challenging, more determined, more sure of herself. DD has never stayed over at BF's - his house has no spare room & he shares a bedroom with his brother. As DD tells me, they have no privacy there so she prefers him to come here.
So - I was clearing out the spare room bin today & found a used condom & empty packet in the bin, wrapped in tissues. A heart in mouth moment. A 'wish I hadn't looked' moment.
I hate confrontations but I feel I really need to talk to her about this. I'm feeling... confused... disappointed & angry about her lying/misleading me... scared that she's having sex already... sad that she's grown up so fast... scared of DH's reaction (he'd probably hit the roof)... concerned that BF's parents are probably unaware (N.B. I'd never say anything to them) ... relieved that she's using condoms...
I'm also a realist & aware that it's much more common for teens to have sex at their age than it was when I was 16, & that attitudes are very different compared to 35 years ago. She's also better informed than I was about sex & relationships at her age - at least she's had sex education at school, which is more than I ever had!
How would you approach this? My instinct is to wait until after exams to broach the subject, & not tell DH at this stage. Realistically I know I can't stop them doing it again. Ideally I want to reiterate the house rules & for her to agree to them. But that hasn't worked so far - why would it work now?! But... if I relax the rules then I'm going back on what I said & I'm undermining myself. Also I want her to keep talking to me (we have a good relationship, she talks to me about all sorts of issues & worries). I don't want her to end up having sex in unsafe places because I won't let her do it here. At the moment I can't see how I can reconcile all this. I have no idea how to even start a conversation about it. Help!?!
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Teenagers
Teens & sex in the house
33 replies
PingPongBat · 03/06/2018 18:40
OP posts:
angryparent999 ·
10/06/2018 04:23
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