Teens & sex in the house

[PingPongBat]

I know this has been discussed on MN again & again, but putting it into words is helping me to work out what I feel, & hopefully I'll get some positive ideas on how I can deal with this

DD is 16 & her BF of 3 months is 15. She's mature, intelligent, the usual mass of teenage hormones & in the middle of GCSEs. BF is in the year below at her school, comes over to ours a couple of times a week & seems to be nice, polite, funny, & makes her happy.

He's stayed over at ours twice. I made it clear that he was to sleep in the spare room, DD in her room. The first time she 'fell asleep' in the spare room with him & so stayed in there overnight. The 2nd time she did go back to her room - I reiterated the rule to her (& him) before he stayed, said I might check in the night if I was awake, & she was asleep in her room at 2.30 am when I did check.

She's frustrated that I won't let them sleep in the same room, saying that she's mature enough & 'not a child'. She's also told me they wouldn't have sex yet & she knows it's technically illegal (tho' I'm aware that it's very unlikely they would actually be prosecuted if they are both consent & are similar ages & close to 16).

I told her I'd only feel comfortable with her sleeping in the same room if they were both at least 16 & in a long term loving relationship, & that she needs to respect this. She keeps asking "when", and "why". I've told her I can't just give her a date after which it would be OK, and it's because I don't feel comfortable with them sharing a room overnight in my house at the moment.

DS didn't share a room here with his GF until he was 18, but his GFs hardly ever stayed here anyway. DD is very very different to DS, more inclined to be rebellious / challenging, more determined, more sure of herself. DD has never stayed over at BF's - his house has no spare room & he shares a bedroom with his brother. As DD tells me, they have no privacy there so she prefers him to come here.

So - I was clearing out the spare room bin today & found a used condom & empty packet in the bin, wrapped in tissues. A heart in mouth moment. A 'wish I hadn't looked' moment.

I hate confrontations but I feel I really need to talk to her about this. I'm feeling... confused... disappointed & angry about her lying/misleading me... scared that she's having sex already... sad that she's grown up so fast... scared of DH's reaction (he'd probably hit the roof)... concerned that BF's parents are probably unaware (N.B. I'd never say anything to them) ... relieved that she's using condoms...

I'm also a realist & aware that it's much more common for teens to have sex at their age than it was when I was 16, & that attitudes are very different compared to 35 years ago. She's also better informed than I was about sex & relationships at her age - at least she's had sex education at school, which is more than I ever had!

How would you approach this? My instinct is to wait until after exams to broach the subject, & not tell DH at this stage. Realistically I know I can't stop them doing it again. Ideally I want to reiterate the house rules & for her to agree to them. But that hasn't worked so far - why would it work now?! But... if I relax the rules then I'm going back on what I said & I'm undermining myself. Also I want her to keep talking to me (we have a good relationship, she talks to me about all sorts of issues & worries). I don't want her to end up having sex in unsafe places because I won't let her do it here. At the moment I can't see how I can reconcile all this. I have no idea how to even start a conversation about it. Help!?!

[DaffoDeffo]

Wait till after exams for the chat. Not long now and not worth making an already stressful time more stressful x

After that I would revisit with her and also say you need to check with the boy's parents that they are ok that he is staying over and see what they think. I did this with Dd and was pleased I did. You can then set rules together. For example we always said no staying over when they had exams, and preferably no staying over mid week when school is on the next day etc. Etc.

[maymai]

You could just say he can't stay over until after the exams and then once they're finished he can?

[AmazingGrace16]

I can completely understand all your feelings around this.
Exams finish this week so I would wait.

My approach might not suit everybody but I would take her out shopping, for lunch, for coffee etc and broach it with her over coffee. This way she won't be able to walk away if she's embarrassed or won't want to talk about it.

You need to talk to her factually without any embarrassment and ask her outright why she lied to you about sex. I would be explaining that I love her very very much but that I was sad that she had lied as it shows a lack of trust and if she doesn't trust you how can you trust her? Explain that in your house you are not happy at the moment for them to be in each other's beds. It's not about the sex but about respect. Explain that she needs to earn back that trust from lying before things are reconsidered. But give a time frame to it. Tell her that in 4 weeks you'll have another chat to touch base about it. She needs a time frame for it to feel fair but that doesn't mean to say in 4 weeks they sleep together. It just means you discuss again where you are at. Ask her in that time to book a gp and maybe a gum appointment to get some sexual health advise and maybe go on the injection/implant aswell. That can be a first step to proving that she can earn your trust.

In 4 weeks the next thing she could do is tell your DH. Work with her on this particularly if she is rebellious anyway!

[AmazingGrace16]

Sorry for the lack of paragraphs! Phone isn't doing what it's told.

Oh and please reiterate how proud you are of them using condoms :)

[Biologifemini]

You should avoid having a 16 teen and her 15 year old boyfriend persuading you into things.
His parents may or may not be aware but if things turn sour you and your dd don’t want to be accused of any form of abuse. That can happen easily, much more so with social media now.
Don’t let him stay over and speak to his parents.

[maltedm1lk]

how about instead of letting her boyfriend stay over, you tell her he can stay untill late (11pm) and you will drop him home with DD tagging along in the car? i dont know if that would be inconvenient for you but just a thought.
I dont thing you should tell your husband and make a massive deal out of it because that might embarrass her or make her feel ashamed of herself for wanting to connect with her boyfriend physically as that could lead to other issues with self-esteem and how she values her body.
I agree that they are too young to be having sex and it was wrong that she broke your rules and disrespected you but when you talk to her make it clear that what dissapointed you was that she lied to you and didn't try hard enough to see the situation from your perspective. Tell her to try and understand how you feel responsible for not just her but her BF whilst he is in your house and that if she wants to have sex in your household you will need face-to-face approval from her BF and his parents/guardian. I bet she won't know how to counter that with a solid argument!

[Graphista]

What's to 'understand'? That all rather sounds like you making excuses for treating his son and daughter differently BECAUSE one is a boy and ones a girl!

Whether he likes it or not your dh is going to have to find a way to deal with his dd is now pretty much an adult. What was his reaction to his son being sexually active? Very different I bet.

There's no proof she's lied as pp say he might have been having a tidy wank and she knows nothing about it.

If you go in and straight away accuse her of lying with no proof and she hasn't been that's going to cause a whole heap of other problems.

Leaving him staying over till after exams seems reasonable enough, but is really only delaying the inevitable.

She needs to be using another form of contraception as condoms especially used by inexperienced teens isn't very reliable. So you need to discuss that with her among the other things pp and I have suggested.

[Dontfuckingsaycheese]

Sorry @PingPongBat I was a little harsh.

Basically, I believe you have the right to make rules about who stays in your house, and where, but not the right to stipulate when or when not your daughter is allowed to have sex.

She's not a little girl. She is becoming a woman (like it or not).

I guess my views are coloured by my personal experience.

When my parents found out I had sex (in the park) at 15 they went bonkers, as if I'd done something wrong, though they'd never said I wasn't allowed to do it. From then it was always treated as something bad.

My son is 15. From an early age (though I've never wanted to encourage early sex) we've discussed consent (both sides), condoms etc. I also made it very clear that the decision to do it was his and his (or any) partner's. Not mine. I basically said though, that he was not to do anything that he wouldn't want me to be doing around him :-) Basically be discreet and not in my face about it. I don't think he has yet though.