Teens & sex in the house

[PingPongBat]

I know this has been discussed on MN again & again, but putting it into words is helping me to work out what I feel, & hopefully I'll get some positive ideas on how I can deal with this

DD is 16 & her BF of 3 months is 15. She's mature, intelligent, the usual mass of teenage hormones & in the middle of GCSEs. BF is in the year below at her school, comes over to ours a couple of times a week & seems to be nice, polite, funny, & makes her happy.

He's stayed over at ours twice. I made it clear that he was to sleep in the spare room, DD in her room. The first time she 'fell asleep' in the spare room with him & so stayed in there overnight. The 2nd time she did go back to her room - I reiterated the rule to her (& him) before he stayed, said I might check in the night if I was awake, & she was asleep in her room at 2.30 am when I did check.

She's frustrated that I won't let them sleep in the same room, saying that she's mature enough & 'not a child'. She's also told me they wouldn't have sex yet & she knows it's technically illegal (tho' I'm aware that it's very unlikely they would actually be prosecuted if they are both consent & are similar ages & close to 16).

I told her I'd only feel comfortable with her sleeping in the same room if they were both at least 16 & in a long term loving relationship, & that she needs to respect this. She keeps asking "when", and "why". I've told her I can't just give her a date after which it would be OK, and it's because I don't feel comfortable with them sharing a room overnight in my house at the moment.

DS didn't share a room here with his GF until he was 18, but his GFs hardly ever stayed here anyway. DD is very very different to DS, more inclined to be rebellious / challenging, more determined, more sure of herself. DD has never stayed over at BF's - his house has no spare room & he shares a bedroom with his brother. As DD tells me, they have no privacy there so she prefers him to come here.

So - I was clearing out the spare room bin today & found a used condom & empty packet in the bin, wrapped in tissues. A heart in mouth moment. A 'wish I hadn't looked' moment.

I hate confrontations but I feel I really need to talk to her about this. I'm feeling... confused... disappointed & angry about her lying/misleading me... scared that she's having sex already... sad that she's grown up so fast... scared of DH's reaction (he'd probably hit the roof)... concerned that BF's parents are probably unaware (N.B. I'd never say anything to them) ... relieved that she's using condoms...

I'm also a realist & aware that it's much more common for teens to have sex at their age than it was when I was 16, & that attitudes are very different compared to 35 years ago. She's also better informed than I was about sex & relationships at her age - at least she's had sex education at school, which is more than I ever had!

How would you approach this? My instinct is to wait until after exams to broach the subject, & not tell DH at this stage. Realistically I know I can't stop them doing it again. Ideally I want to reiterate the house rules & for her to agree to them. But that hasn't worked so far - why would it work now?! But... if I relax the rules then I'm going back on what I said & I'm undermining myself. Also I want her to keep talking to me (we have a good relationship, she talks to me about all sorts of issues & worries). I don't want her to end up having sex in unsafe places because I won't let her do it here. At the moment I can't see how I can reconcile all this. I have no idea how to even start a conversation about it. Help!?!

[Dontfuckingsaycheese]

Sorry @PingPongBat I was a little harsh.

Basically, I believe you have the right to make rules about who stays in your house, and where, but not the right to stipulate when or when not your daughter is allowed to have sex.

She's not a little girl. She is becoming a woman (like it or not).

I guess my views are coloured by my personal experience.

When my parents found out I had sex (in the park) at 15 they went bonkers, as if I'd done something wrong, though they'd never said I wasn't allowed to do it. From then it was always treated as something bad.

My son is 15. From an early age (though I've never wanted to encourage early sex) we've discussed consent (both sides), condoms etc. I also made it very clear that the decision to do it was his and his (or any) partner's. Not mine. I basically said though, that he was not to do anything that he wouldn't want me to be doing around him :-) Basically be discreet and not in my face about it. I don't think he has yet though.

[Graphista]

What's to 'understand'? That all rather sounds like you making excuses for treating his son and daughter differently BECAUSE one is a boy and ones a girl!

Whether he likes it or not your dh is going to have to find a way to deal with his dd is now pretty much an adult. What was his reaction to his son being sexually active? Very different I bet.

There's no proof she's lied as pp say he might have been having a tidy wank and she knows nothing about it.

If you go in and straight away accuse her of lying with no proof and she hasn't been that's going to cause a whole heap of other problems.

Leaving him staying over till after exams seems reasonable enough, but is really only delaying the inevitable.

She needs to be using another form of contraception as condoms especially used by inexperienced teens isn't very reliable. So you need to discuss that with her among the other things pp and I have suggested.

[maltedm1lk]

how about instead of letting her boyfriend stay over, you tell her he can stay untill late (11pm) and you will drop him home with DD tagging along in the car? i dont know if that would be inconvenient for you but just a thought.
I dont thing you should tell your husband and make a massive deal out of it because that might embarrass her or make her feel ashamed of herself for wanting to connect with her boyfriend physically as that could lead to other issues with self-esteem and how she values her body.
I agree that they are too young to be having sex and it was wrong that she broke your rules and disrespected you but when you talk to her make it clear that what dissapointed you was that she lied to you and didn't try hard enough to see the situation from your perspective. Tell her to try and understand how you feel responsible for not just her but her BF whilst he is in your house and that if she wants to have sex in your household you will need face-to-face approval from her BF and his parents/guardian. I bet she won't know how to counter that with a solid argument!

[Biologifemini]

You should avoid having a 16 teen and her 15 year old boyfriend persuading you into things.
His parents may or may not be aware but if things turn sour you and your dd don’t want to be accused of any form of abuse. That can happen easily, much more so with social media now.
Don’t let him stay over and speak to his parents.

[AmazingGrace16]

Sorry for the lack of paragraphs! Phone isn't doing what it's told.

Oh and please reiterate how proud you are of them using condoms :)

[AmazingGrace16]

I can completely understand all your feelings around this.
Exams finish this week so I would wait.

My approach might not suit everybody but I would take her out shopping, for lunch, for coffee etc and broach it with her over coffee. This way she won't be able to walk away if she's embarrassed or won't want to talk about it.

You need to talk to her factually without any embarrassment and ask her outright why she lied to you about sex. I would be explaining that I love her very very much but that I was sad that she had lied as it shows a lack of trust and if she doesn't trust you how can you trust her? Explain that in your house you are not happy at the moment for them to be in each other's beds. It's not about the sex but about respect. Explain that she needs to earn back that trust from lying before things are reconsidered. But give a time frame to it. Tell her that in 4 weeks you'll have another chat to touch base about it. She needs a time frame for it to feel fair but that doesn't mean to say in 4 weeks they sleep together. It just means you discuss again where you are at. Ask her in that time to book a gp and maybe a gum appointment to get some sexual health advise and maybe go on the injection/implant aswell. That can be a first step to proving that she can earn your trust.

In 4 weeks the next thing she could do is tell your DH. Work with her on this particularly if she is rebellious anyway!

[maymai]

You could just say he can't stay over until after the exams and then once they're finished he can?

[DaffoDeffo]

Wait till after exams for the chat. Not long now and not worth making an already stressful time more stressful x

After that I would revisit with her and also say you need to check with the boy's parents that they are ok that he is staying over and see what they think. I did this with Dd and was pleased I did. You can then set rules together. For example we always said no staying over when they had exams, and preferably no staying over mid week when school is on the next day etc. Etc.

[PingPongBat]

Thanks scarlett06for your encouragement. Don’t… be gentle please… I’m not a control freak, I’m just trying to adjust to my little girl growing up so fast . I laid down a rule about not sleeping over in the same room overnight - which I expect her to respect. It may seem old fashioned, but we all have our different boundaries and while she lives here I need her to respect mine.

Graphista / Grandmas /LaCucuracha yes I do realise that teens will have sex elsewhere, and under my roof too given half a chance, & yes I expect DS had sex elsewhere/at his GF’s before I let them sleep in the same room in our house. As I said, I’m a realist. Just struggling with the reality!

Graphista DH has difficulty understanding DD – he has no sisters himself, only had two GFs before me, finds me a bit of an enigma even tho we’ve been together 25+ years! He’s basically at a loss when it comes to teen girls, & his lack of understanding / knowledge I think leads him to react negatively to what goes on in her life with social media, friendships, BFs, school etc etc. He loves her to bits, & is incredibly proud of her, but doesn’t really understand her fully. (Not that I do either, but I understand more of the emotional stuff than him!)

[Butterflybelly]

I allow my sons gf to sleep over. He’s 16, she’s not 16 until August. Her parents allow her to sleep over. I would rather she didn’t but I’m realistic to know they will find away, I’m much happier knowing they are safely in my home. I envisage them spending time with people without boundaries because they allow them to sleep together. That worries me more than anything. What else might they be doing in a place with no supervision. I don’t let them sleep in the same bed but I’m not naive enough to think they don’t sneak in with each other when I’m asleep. I know everyone has their own personal view. You will have to do what’s right for you and your family.

[Grandmaswagsbag]

DS didn't share a room here with his GF until he was 18, but his GFs hardly ever stayed here anyway.

Then they’ll have been doing it somewhere else. You can’t stop them having sex, makes sure she knows she can come to you with any questions or problems, and not shy away because she knows you disapprove.

[LaCucarachaa]

They're teenagers, to put it bluntly if they aren't doing it in your house they'll just do it somewhere else. Surely you would prefer it to be in a safe environment and not down an alley somewhere?

I think you need to accept that your daughter is growing up, be open and honest and talk to her about all the boring yet important contraceptive/consent stuff yes but don't hit the roof with her because I can promise you if she ever gets herself into sex related trouble i.e. STD's, unwanted pregnancy etc she won't ever have the confidence to confide in you for help.

[Graphista]

You say ds didn't have gf stay over until he was 18 BUT did he stay at gf houses before then? And at what age?

Have you spoken to dd about sexual health, consent etc? You mention school sex ed I'm not completely clear on what you've discussed with her.

Why would her dad hit the roof? Was your son sexually active around the same age? Did dh hit the roof with him? I suspect not.

She seems sensible, this is a proper boyfriend not a fling, she's old enough. I think honestly the separate room thing is naive. They're going to have sex if they get the opportunity in fact they'll create the opportunity!

My only concern would be that HE is underage. Are they same year at school?

As you say she can be a skilled debater.

It's rarely spoken of but sometimes it's the girl putting the pressure on. So when discussing consent with her please also ensure she has HIS true consent and isn't using any manipulation.

[Dontfuckingsaycheese]

I am of the belief that it is up to the individuals when they are ready to have sex. Not their mother.

You can say what you do or do not want to happen in your house but to say what she's allowed or not allowed to do with her own body .... sheeesh!!! Controlling much. No wonder she lied.

[scarlett06]

Hi there,
I’m sorry to hear about your daughter. In many ways I’m writing this to reassure you. My daughter is 15 and I found out she was having sex a few months ago, admittedly at first I was shocked and disappointed but when I asked her about it she told the truth and explained to me how it happened and how she felt. My daughter has had a rough time with boys in the past but she’s got through it and I also think it’s important for us mums to understand that things really have changed from when we were younger. What’s important is honesty and when you choose to speak to your daughter about this I think it’s important that you ask for honesty and you make sure she understands you are not angry you just want to make sure you are there for her and can give her the support she needs. Things will resolve themselves, they always do x

[PingPongBat]

I'm not sure it was planted fruitcider - it was wrapped in tissues so I think he / they tried to conceal it.

TheBookThief yes this the tightrope that I wobble about on every day, occasionally crashing off in spectacular fashion!

One of the hardest things about making a rule about not sleeping over in the same room is the 'why?'. Everything I say - about me not feeling comfortable about it, about wanting her to wait until she's in a long term relationship, about waiting till she's older etc - will be questioned, challenged, probed for more detail & I'm not good at expressing myself in the heat of the moment. My words come out in a jumble and she's so quick to come back with counter-arguments that I get tongue tied & end up saying the wrong thing! It's almost like I have to have a pre-written script and stick to it.

Lavenderlove she recently had the pill prescribed to try & regulate/calm down her periods, but she hasn't started taking it yet. She's currently taking norethisterone to delay her period until GCSEs finish, then she's going to start on the pill after that. We've talked about using condoms as well as the pill in case she takes one late / forgets, & to prevent STDs.

I'm not going to say anything about the condom for the moment, but I am going to reiterate the no-sharing-a-bedroom rule next time he stays over, even if they do sneak about on the landing at night. And I will revisit the contraception chat over the summer if the relationship continues to flourish. They'll be 16 & 17 by Christmas... growing up so fast.

[Lavenderlove]

I wouldn't say anything. If they are having sex they are going to find somewhere to do it if it's not in your house. Better somewhere safe then in the park or somewhere similar! I think it's a pretty normal age to start having sex and would possibly speak to her about visiting the docs with her to get the pill? I think keeping the openness in the relationship between you and your dd is the most important thing and I think she may become embarrassed and secretive if you bring up the condom

[fruitcider]

Honestly, I think it's been planted there for you to find. I would speak to your DD about contraception. At the end of the day she didn't break your rules even if she did have sex.

[TheBookThief]

I am in a similar place myself re wanting to keep communication open and honest with my teen yet feeling like I need to take action on what she's told me, which of course if I do she will then be furious and almost definitely clam up and I'll know nothing - I'm finding it so difficult to get the balance right.

I think you can be honest about finding the condom, it wasn't hidden and then maybe ask her about what's happened between them and ask her what 'rules' she thinks are fair and have another discussion reiterating why you have the boundaries you do.
If they are spending the night in the same house I would hazard a guess they are almost definitely sneaking into each others rooms, but if you ban him from coming over then if they are determined enough they will find somewhere else to be 'alone'.
Ultimately I feel we cant really stop them if they are determined enough, and its so hard to keep track with bloody snapchat and apps hiding photos and the like, all we can do is our best to instil in them not to choose to engage in sexually active behaviour themselves.

But I know they think we 'don't understand' and 'everyone else is doing it' and my daughter tells me I should be grateful she talks to me about stuff because none of her (sexually active) friends talk to their parents. Its such a tightrope to walk.

[SouthWestmom]

The trouble is, ime, they sleep together (have sex ) very early on now so as teen relationships are often short lived, if you don't set rules you could easily have several young men staying over over the year.

[PingPongBat]

TitZillas- thanks for that... (had to look that one up!)

BrownTurkey yes I've also considered not saying anything. - as Isadora says she didn't break the no sleeping in the same room overnight rule. She tested the water on how strictly I was going to enforce it by 'falling asleep' & not going to her own bed the first time he stayed over

[TitZillas]

Posh wank?

[SneakyGremlins]

Yeah maybe if he knew he wasn't having sex he chose a different activity

[PingPongBat]

Blunt is good Georgie ☺