I don't understand dd
JellySlice · 30/05/2018 21:51
Dd is 15. Today dh and I went to her swimming class, just to watch. I stood quietly behind a wall of the changing area and peeked out. Dd showed no awareness of our presence. She looked happy, engaged and confident. But when she came up to us on her way back to the changing area, her expression changed to fury. She was very angry with us because she had only been expecting dh to come. I had embarrassed her, had done something awful by coming when she had only expected dh. She went into a cubicle and the coach came up to us worried that something was wrong. By the time dh and I got to the cubicle (without the coach) dd was almost in hysterics - gulping breathless sobs of distress. She described it as a panic attack. TBH it didn't look like a panic attack to me, but she was genuinely distressed.
This sort of thing has happened before, but rarely so extreme.
Another thing I don't get: dd hates me calling her name in public. If, say, we're in the town precinct, and I see her waiting for us and looking in the wrong direction, my instinct is to call her name, but that makes her very angry. Recently I was looking for her in a service station, so I went into the loos and called her name. Then I remembered that she hates me doing this, so instead I called her by the nickname that everyone except me uses. No answer, so I told dh she was not in the loos. We were getting worried when dd came out of the loos. She had heard me, but had refused to answer because I had called out loud. She wouldn't or couldn't explain why.
What's going on? What is upsetting her?
TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 31/05/2018 00:01
Would it be fair to hazard a guess that she is closer to your DH than she is with you?
JassyRadlett · 31/05/2018 00:04
Then I remembered that she hates me doing this, so instead I called her by the nickname that everyone except me uses.
This sounds very tough and worrying but this leapt out - why don’t you use the nickname everyone else does? Does she prefer it?
HeddaGarbled · 31/05/2018 00:04
Is this just an in public thing? How is she with you at home?
Wildlingofthewest · 31/05/2018 00:06
How long has she been like this with you? (Getting annoyed when you call her name?)
Has something happened between the two of you in the past - an argument or something that upset her at the time?
Has she witnessed you and your husband fighting or anything that would push her towards favouriting him?
Have you asked her why she was so upset to see you at swimming? Or what exactly she doesn’t like about you calling out her name?
Eastcoastmost · 31/05/2018 00:08
That’s a very extreme reaction. Is she doing it for attention?
Donkdonkgoo · 31/05/2018 00:08
My son (nearly 15) hates me shouting in loos for him, it's just typical teenage behaviour that are embarrassed by their parents in front of others. I suspect her dad just is more cool and sinks into the back ground so doesn't embarrass her as much. In her eyes your probably fussing and making her feel like a child. Really don't worry about it just chill out more..... two parents going to watch her swimming just ruined her street cred in her eyes.... when she's older she will realise she was lucky to have parents that cared enough to go watch her
Donkdonkgoo · 31/05/2018 00:11
My son also hates it when I call him gorgeous or other affectionate names even when there's just us at home.... it's just teenager stuff ..... I just grab and hug him and make a joke which makes him grin and laugh but deep down he hates it 😂
Slinkymalinky1 · 31/05/2018 00:14
Sounds like typical teenage angst and drama. Do not feed it. Couple of years and she'll be your best mate again. I understand it's a worry and it's tempting to read into it being an issue, but more often than not, it all blows over. Most teenagers have been embarrassed by their parents since forever 🙄
Slinkymalinky1 · 31/05/2018 00:15
Donk, deep down he loves it 😉
Donkdonkgoo · 31/05/2018 00:19
She's upset cos she feels embarrassed but also probably feels guilty towards you about feeling embarrassed ... teenager emotions are complicated, let her know it's ok to be embarrassed by parents and would she prefer it if you fussed less and agree to take in turns with her dad to pick her up
Donkdonkgoo · 31/05/2018 00:23
He has to hug me if he wants me to make him a cuppa....... watching him squirm is my twatty teenager revenge 😂😂
Slinkymalinky1 · 31/05/2018 00:25
That's so true about the guilt of feeling embarrassed! I remember feeling that myself (a ridiculously long time ago) so much mixed emotional angst!
Ha love your revenge tactics
Pebblespony · 31/05/2018 00:29
Agree with @Donkdonkgoo Agree about the embarrassment plus guilt. Me and my mother didn't really hit it off when I was a teen and I was nearly overwhelmed by guilt at the time. Now I see I was being a regular dickhead teenager.
AfterSchoolWorry · 31/05/2018 00:30
Sounds like a typical teenager. For some reason she's embarrassed.
Donkdonkgoo · 31/05/2018 00:35
If I had been having swimming lessons at 15 and either of my parents turned up I would have been mortified. At 16 I was working behind a bar in a nightclub very illegal now but in the 90s no one batted an eyelid (best 6 months of my life too) at 15 she's a young woman.
Pinga · 31/05/2018 00:38
Is there anything else she does thats a bit odd? How is she socially with her friends?
DarthArts · 31/05/2018 00:40
It's a complex age. They are starting the journey to adulthood and independence and as much as they want that, they also generally still yearn for parental support and love.
It's conflicting and a default way to deal with it can become to lash out at unwanted and unnecessary involvement.
My own experience with teens is you have to back off - don't assume the things they used to enjoy you supporting them doing require the same input.
I know watching a swim session doesn't sound like a big thing to you, but at that age having parents (especially both) displaying such an interest can seem babyish and embarrassing.
At 15 you're expected to feed, fund and taxi teens. Any attention beyond that is by invitation only - what that does mean is letting them know you are/will be there when they need you is that the invitations get more frequent.
All the above however is dependent on no backstory I'm missing wrt your relationship pre-teen years which I'm assuming was positive.
JellySlice · 01/06/2018 08:58
Dh and I have chewed over your responses, and agree that there's a lot of cool V cuddles conflict going on. She doesn't seem to favour one of us over the other, and there have been no major conflicts between any if us. We think, also, that this angry distress often comes from being surprised by the unexpected.
Dd and I watched The Breakfast Club together last night. I swear I do not know how I'll cope if that film loses its magic: either during or at the end of the film dd opens up - it works every time. You lot were right about the cool V cuddles thing, and the guilt over it. And dh and I were right over the surprise issue. We didn't get to the bottom of the calling her by name business.
Dd also opened up about other things that are upsetting her - she described them as 'voices' in her head and 'hallucinations'. They wake her at night and she is afraid to go to sleep because of them. And she says that they sometimes happen during the day if she's feeling particularly stressed.
She's overwhelmed by the way 'everyone thinks she's so amazing', and the effort of keeping up the facade is exhausting and confusing. If the facade cracks, if she shows any negative emotion to the adults outside the family, dd is convinced that they think her 'a psycho'. (Dd is a classic, reliable, polite, engaged, academic student. Teachers only ever have positive things to say about her, and the one point for improvement that is ever mentioned is that she should put herself forward more often. At home she explodes.)
Dh was away last night, dd slept with me. And is still asleep.
Pomegranatemolasses · 02/06/2018 15:49
Those voices in her head sound really worrying. Any possibility she would talk to someone, maybe a kind GP or other medical professioninal?
She sounds like she’s carrying a large amount of stress and anxiety for such a young girl. Good that she opened up to you though.
robotcartrainhat · 02/06/2018 15:58
15 is a very intense age...
Your daughters description reminds me of me at that age and actually I had that 'hallucination' thing too... it started as intense nightmares but then would occur sometimes when I was very tired. I really thought I was going nuts... with me they took on a very religious theme (am from a Catholic family) and were centred around the devil. I got sent to a counsellor in the end who said it was stress. She said that stress was making me have very intense nightmares and because I was tense about sleeping I wasnt getting enough sleep and so became very tired during the day which would cause me to sort of dream these things when I was awake.
Ive had them very very rarely as an adult when ive been stressed and not sleeping well.
Id really just try and reassure her that she is not a 'psycho' and that intense or negative emotions are experienced by everybody even if you cant see it from the outside.
I got depressed at that age because I thought there was something wrong with me because of the intensity of my emotions etc my parents werent very expressive people and I couldnt tell that other people experienced stress... I just thought I was flawed in some way.
I think its just about getting her to relax and communicate how she feels. That its not mad or any weakness to feel intense bursts of emotion when you are a teenager... that its just a normal process of growing up.
Mountainsoutofmolehills · 02/06/2018 16:05
hmmm. I couldn't stand my mum. She was seriously embarrassing. Real dealz. Used to turn up in crazy clothes, chipped nail polish, hair everywhere, might even have an apron on. Loud and chatting. I used to take the bus for fear of my mum picking me up and people seeing her. This sounds horrible, but I still get the cringe.
Try to do some fun stuff 1 on 1 with her. Soon she'll be gone.
Lots of advice to go to GP re voices. I would suggest CBT therapy, talking is a great way to process so many feelings and anxieties.
Northernsoul58 · 02/06/2018 17:08
Your DDs voices and hallucinations could be 'intrusive thoughts'. We all have them but some people can't control them when they are stressed.
JellySlice · 02/06/2018 18:37
I tried reframing and explained about the vicious cycle of stress and it's consequences, but I don't think dd wanted to hear that from me.
CPtart · 02/06/2018 18:52
Does she swim competitively? A friend's DD almost cracked with the pressures of school, exams, friendships coupled with training etc at this age. Swim training is harsh. It was all just too much.
JellySlice · 02/06/2018 20:52
No, it's a synchro class and I don't think they do any exams or competitions. It's definitely for pleasure.
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