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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Heartbroken ds not coping

21 replies

WorriedMum6868 · 28/05/2018 08:33

DS is 17 and in the middle of his AS levels. He is a shy kind gentle and sensitive kid. His gf of 18 months has just broken up with him and he is distraught beyond belief. He refuses to talk to us about it. He has effectively stopped functioning. He is not revising, not sleeping, not eating, doesnt want to see his friends, not leaving his room. Stays in bed all day, under the duvet sobbing. Everytime we try and go in to talk to him he shouts at us to leave him alone and go away. I asked him about trying to do some revision (to distract him if nothing else) and he said he "didnt care" about his exams (this is not like him....he is very academic and was planning to apply to cambridge). I am at a complete loss as to how to help him. He has shut down. Please please can someone advise me? I have this horrible fear he may do something stupid

OP posts:

Melliegrantfirstlady · 28/05/2018 08:34

This is a nightmare

Can you take him in holiday or arrange a little surprise get together with his friends at your place? Pizza a few beers etc

Rainboho · 28/05/2018 08:37

You’re going to need some ‘throw open the curtains, pull off the duvet, here’s a cup of tea’ right now DS, let’s sort this out moment.

And then you love him to death.

Original poster

WorriedMum6868 · 28/05/2018 08:40

Thanks for responding...l have suggested having his friends over...he refuses. I have done the whole throw open the curtains multiple times, and he just curls up in his bed and shouts at us to go away. I am running out of ideas...

OP posts:

reachforthewine · 28/05/2018 08:42

How do you think he would react if you organised a surprise get together with pizza and beer like pp said?

Benji13 · 28/05/2018 08:48

Oh I do feel for you. Been there and got the T shirt.
My eldest son is 22 now. He had his heart broken at almost 18 and it was hard work. Same situation long term gf dumped him.
All I can advise is lots of patience. I insisted he came on dog walks in the fresh air, got up and watched Tv with us some of the time. I also got him a referral to healthy minds telephone counselling for a while.
In time he came round and started seeing friends etc. He's a quiet, sensitive lad, don't know if yr boy is and hit him hard. He's since had two more serious relationships and is currently happy and settled with a lovely girl.
He will get there, keep telling him you love him and get him help if necessary. You may have to be quite insistent.
Sending a big hug to you and your lovely boy xx

Greendayz · 28/05/2018 08:48

Can you get him out the house at all? Tell him you need some help with something - eg something in the garden, taking stuff to the tip, etc. So the initial focus is not on him, and then maybe the change of scene may help. Offering normality can work better than a listening ear if he just can't manage to talk. Offer fruit juice to drink if he can't eat cause his stomach is in knots.

Do you have contact with any of his friends direct you could ask to contact him?

But if things don't improve in a few days I'd be making him a GP appointment.

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 28/05/2018 08:49

My ds was like this at 20 when he and his gf broke up. It was tough, but l just looked after him like he was little again, and talked to him.

Eventually l made him go to the doctors as he just wasn’t functioning. They put him on fluoxetine, and he got better and better. It’s so tough being young☹️

Saltcrust · 28/05/2018 08:50

Maybe contact Young Minds?

Saltcrust · 28/05/2018 10:17

How long has he been like this op?

lapenguin · 28/05/2018 10:25

What do you do when he shouts at you? Part of me is thinking maybe some tough love, if he yells at you to go away then you punish him the same as if he had yelled at you to go away before he was heart broken. I'm assuming you wouldn't just tolerate it, put on your fierce mama bear voice and get that son of a you out of bed!
He is right to feel the way he does but it is a great learning curve on how to deal with situations when still getting on with life. We can't all lay in bed for days on end when we break up with someone.
Having said that you know him best and know whether he would react to that well or not.
Being a teenager is really hard and having this going on while he's got exams is just a giant ball of sh!T, but wallowing in his room is going to make things worse.
Wishing you luck!

Original poster

WorriedMum6868 · 28/05/2018 10:27

Thanks all. I am really very worried...he seems to have plummeted into a depression....it started about 6 weeks ago, we didnt know what was wrong as he denied everything. We then found out from a friend that they had broken up. He temporarily rallied for a bit and we were delighted as he seemed to be recovering, but this last week has been awful....he is just lying in bed sobbing a lot of the time. He refuses to talk about anything at all. I havent invited his friends over as they are all revising , and l think he would be furious anyway....he is pathologically private...however l have tried out all your other suggestions. I suggested he could talk to a counsellor/doctor but he refused...l am truly at my wits end....

OP posts:

Original poster

WorriedMum6868 · 28/05/2018 10:29

Dh has tried the tough love approach and it made things worse...ds now wont say a word to him, but he will still say the odd thing to me....its soooo shit, and the timing with exams is just fucking awful...

OP posts:

cc5601 · 28/05/2018 10:32

Do with him ask if he wants to talk about it. If not say you're not going anywhere yet you love him, you miss him and you want to talk to him even if he doesn't reply. The jut talk out loud some stuff memories of when he was a kid, funny stuff I don't know. Then see if he joins in. If not kiss him, tell him you love him then walk out.

Just do it a few times I don't know. Can you tempt him with a favourite activity or fave food treat.

It's so hard.

antimatter · 28/05/2018 10:36

Has he got any exams (apart from mocks) coming up? What subjects?
Have you spoken to his school yet?

Saltcrust · 28/05/2018 10:56

All this sounds so hard for you op [flower]

If you haven't already, can you just be honest and say that you are really really worried about him, that you are worried he may be having suicidal thoughts (I heard someone from the Samaritans on the radio the other day saying that bringing up the subject doesn't reinforce the idea) and say that you love him too much for him to be not eating/not drinking/and withdrawing from life and that it's gone on too long now.
That although he feels awful now, in 5/10 yrs time he will think about it in a different way and he will recover and feel better. That you are going to take him to the doctor and if he doesn't go, the doctor will come out and see him (I don't know if docs do that in your area but maybe you could threaten it, even if they don't)?

If all of the above fails (or has already failed) what about the school? Do they have any counsellors he could talk to? A favourite teacher? A trusted older confidante such as a godparent or family friend?

My nephew went through (different reason) something similar and his dad took him out swimming or cycling every day on the understanding that they wouldn't discuss the issue and that seemed to help.

Failing all of that, a session with a licensed pyschologist who specialises in adolescents might be worth looking in to?

The Young Minds website has info on what to do if you are seeking urgent help here.

Saltcrust · 28/05/2018 10:57

Oh sorry, I see that he has refused to talk to a doctor or counsellor. I think you may have to insist though.

roundthehorn · 28/05/2018 11:00

AS are new to me. I did O and A levels, and my kids got their secondary qualifications outside of the UK.

Are they a bridging exam between GCSE and A? If so, and your son intends to stay on for A levels next year, are they really that important in the scheme of things? If they are truly necessary to move on can he defer? It really sounds to me as if his exams are really a "bridge too far" under the circumstances. A sensitive GP should be able to write him off sick for his exams and then, with the support of his school's pastoral team, he can concentrate on getting emotionally well enough for his final school year.

It may seem insurmountable for all of you just now, but heartache can pass quickly in the young and with the looming spectre of exams removed from his immediate future he may be ready to kick arse after the summer break.

I wish you all the best x

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 28/05/2018 11:36

Get him to the doctors and get a sick note. He will be given special condideration

bionicnemonic · 28/05/2018 11:45

My nephew went through (different reason) something similar and his dad took him out swimming or cycling every day on the understanding that they wouldn't discuss the issue and that seemed to help.
This is a good idea. As is fruit juice.
Ask him what he’d do if he saw you that upset...how would he help you?
Could you take him camping? Tell him you don’t need to talk about anything just you all need a break and it’s important to you that he comes along (or even just a few hours walk in the countryside.
I really feel for you

lapenguin · 28/05/2018 12:07

Hmmm... This is difficult.
Maybe try appealing to his acedemic side, he will probably still tell you to go away but it might give him food for thought
Explain to him that you understand he is heartbroken, but that doesn't mean he should risk throwing away his future. Universities don't accept heartbreak as an excuse to fail. AS exams aren't the final exams but he still needs to do well in these as they are the only results universities have to go on before your final results day, if you don't do well now then it doesn't matter how well you do next year as I'm guessing Cambridge and other places as highly regarded as that won't look twice. If he is really struggling then he needs to tell someone so they can find a solution and work out his options.
Maybe book an open day at the uni? See about staying near by overnight, see if they have any social activities for prospective students? Does he know anyone already there that he could stay with for a weekend? Let him experience uni life without mum or dad there?

chocolateworshipper · 28/05/2018 19:14

Firstly - I wouldn't worry TOO much about the exams. Loads of DD's friends are doing 3 years of sixth form because they changed their mind about subjects / didn't do well in AS levels / went to work straight from school and then decided to do A levels after all. If he decides to re-do Y12, he could always do BTECs so his final grade is based on coursework over a period of time rather than all on final exams.

Second - I find that texting / messaging quite often works better with teens that face to face communication. Especially if you don't actually ask questions - just sending messages that lets them know you're there for them if they need you.

I really like the idea of offering to spend time together with a promise of not discussing a specific subject.

Is there an adult that is a bit removed (i.e. not a parent) that he trusts and would talk to?

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