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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Teen no longer wants to visit father

73 replies

PookieDo · 25/05/2018 13:19

I have 2 DC and I really need some advice. I’m worried about how to approach this, reduce the impact on both my dc who have completely different feelings. I’m scared of it hurting their sibling relationship

I have been apart from their DF for over 10 years. He is a difficult man and has never bonded well with our youngest child. I receive small amount of maintenance. He sees them regularly and even takes them on holiday, but doesn’t do any school things such as homework or come to parents evenings. All the parent Work is down to me.

The eldest is 16 and adores DF and wants to continue a relationship.

The youngest 14 does not wish to continue a relationship with DF.

Dc14 does not know how to tell him, is so unhappy and I have tried many times to help improve their relationship but it isn’t working. I’m concerned that continued contact is not in DC14 best interests for their mental wellbeing. DC14 is often in tears, anxious and unhappy knowing they are going there on the weekend all week.

Because DC16 does not understand how DC14 feels, they have tension between them. DC1 feels that DC2 is unfair on their dad and I try to tell them they are both allowed to feel differently and that’s ok. But not to be mean to each other about it.

DC2 does not want to tell him. They want me to do it. I don’t know what to say because ex will take this very badly. Part of me feels sorry for them both but more so my DC as they are my priority.

There is no court involvement.

Any advice?

OP posts:
pippistrelle · 25/05/2018 14:10

That sounds very difficult. Does you 14 year old have legitimate reasons for not wanting to go to their dad's? Or is it more about the feelings (or the lack of?)

It might be a bit of a cop out but I think if it were me who had to break the news, I might be a little creative with the truth and say that 14 year old is struggling a little bit at the moment (with school/hobbies/friends/whatever) and is finding visits too much just at the moment. They're taking a break from it for now - hopefully they'll find their equilibrium and be up to visiting again soon.

Some version along those lines might help spare feelings all round - and who knows, it might even turn out to be true.

Good luck.

SparklySeashell · 25/05/2018 14:12

Exactly what pippi said Thanks

Original poster
PookieDo · 25/05/2018 14:16

DC14 says she hates him. She has no feelings of affection towards him and would not be sad if she never saw him again. She doesn’t like his personality is the main issue (I can sympathise, neither do I) but we all seem to trudge along in a line as to not rock the boat.
She has no recollection of my relationship with him as she was so small (under 3) and I have been amicable but distant with him all this time I.e there isn’t really any drama

Dc14 is a sensitive little soul and he doesn’t get it. He is brash and offensive and never warm and sympathetic - if she cried he has, and would, laugh at her. Now she is older he is trying to assert control over one aspect of her life (her phone) and doing it in such a stupid mean way that I think it’s been the final straw.

OP posts:
Spanglyprincess1 · 25/05/2018 14:17

Isn't in her best interest to see her biological father? Even if on a different contact schedule to her older sibling. Maybe just a few hours rather than all weekend.

Original poster
PookieDo · 25/05/2018 14:26

I’ve never stopped any contact I agree that kids should see their father. But at what age do you let them choose? I feel like I have facilitated all I can and now it is her choice to make. If I force her to go, do I damage my relationship with her?

OP posts:
tootiredtospeak · 25/05/2018 14:28

Im guessing maybe DC1 is a boy? I think teenagers in general may find their parents unlikeable at this stage but try to remain impartial.
Im not going to make you go but im not making excuses for you.
Its their relationship and her choice but I dont think it should involve ypu really. If she wants to be grown up enough to make that decision she should deliver it herself

Original poster
PookieDo · 25/05/2018 14:36

This is the stalemate we are at now - me telling DD that she has to be the one to be honest about it and upfront and not expect me to be the one dropping this bombshell on him. But she will not as she says she is scared of his reaction. Then I see how she’s spent all week this week agitated crying and anxious about visiting and feel horrible - that I should intervene and help her. She isn’t yet an adult and is still my child but if this is her decision should she not be delivering it?

OP posts:
Thebookswereherfriends · 25/05/2018 14:42

Is it possible for dc2 to just go for Saturday afternoon or similar? Maybe if she is spending a little less time with her father she will find it more tolerable.

Curlyone123 · 25/05/2018 14:49

Why doesn’t she write him a letter explaining how she feels. Then you and her dad should talk about it and a way forward. At least the words will then be hers

pinkhorse · 25/05/2018 14:52

What's the issue with the phone? Are you sure dc2 isn't just upset that (I'm guessing) she's not allowed phone at dads? Some teenagers are so addicted to them they can't live without them.

Original poster
PookieDo · 25/05/2018 14:53

We did that for a few weeks then he began booking and paying for things that mean she has to go for longer periods of time, I think she ends up feeling trapped by obligation that he has paid for something and not going would be rude. But this is what I may suggest to her again.

She is a polite nice child and honestly sometimes I am astounded at how he speaks to her and treats her seen as she’s a very straight A/B student, polite, well behaved, mature and intelligent. She has to share a very small bedroom with 2 other children and he feels that she is ‘spoilt’ at my house seen as I have provided their own bedrooms. They have rules at my house but they are a different set of unusual rules at his house that they don’t like.

He is obsessed by her using her phone and will call/text me demanding I intervene between them about the phone, when he drops them off he will demand I tell her off for whatever she did/didn’t do (usually related to the phone) and wants me to tell her she has to leave the phone at home. He talks about her/slags her off to DC1 in earshot and basically just finds her difficult and unrelatable and it’s all my fault so she is ‘delivered’ back to me to be admonished. Then I can’t understand how it has got that far because at home she does not behave badly

OP posts:
Zampa · 25/05/2018 14:55

At 14, I'm not sure that a child understands that stopping contact can affect the child's relationship with its parent long term. I believe that it would be in her best interest long term to continue with contact.

In the interim, can contact be reduced and then built back up? If her Dad is serious about their relationship, he should understand and support putting their relationship back together.

Original poster
PookieDo · 25/05/2018 15:00

I don’t know how to get him on board. I’ve talked to him before and sat them both down. She cried and felt uncomfortable, he shouted at her for crying and just blamed it all on the phone (and on me).

OP posts:
Original poster
PookieDo · 25/05/2018 15:03

Both DC will have to leave their phones at home not just one child that is horribly unfair if it’s just her. DC1 will not leave their phone at home and has a giant 16 yo tantrum about it, gets own way and gets to keep their phone but then DD has hers taken away!

I asked him just to take both the phones for set periods of times if it bothers him that much and put down some fair ground rules about it. DD is disappearing into the phone to get away from him - often just listening to music, not even on any social media! The phone is just a symptom of what is wrong in their relationship it is not the cause

Before the phone it was other things. It’s always been something

OP posts:
Qcumber · 25/05/2018 15:04

It sounds like he's quite horrid to her actually. But Hong about her to her sibling while she can hear is bullying.
I would tell him that she doesn't want contact right now but that may change in the future. Sounds as though he prefers your son and let's her know it. Poor girl.

Qcumber · 25/05/2018 15:05

Bitching*

WeAreGerbil · 25/05/2018 15:08

I have a just 15 yo DD in a similar situation, she's thinking about breaking contact with her dad. I've talked it through with her, the pros and cons, she wavers, though since he mostly doesn't bother with her the issue's not so pressing. If she decided she did want to go NC and I was confident that she had thought through the issues I would tell him myself if she wanted me to, though he would be nasty. This is such a difficult time for them with school and friendships to negotiate that I think they don't need extra grief from a parent who's supposed to be there to support them.

kissthealderman · 25/05/2018 15:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pumpkinpie01 · 25/05/2018 15:10

I'm not surprised she doesn't want to see him to be honest, it doesn't sound like she is having much fun when she visits and with her getting so upset I really wouldn't force her to go. She sounds very mature for her age and old enough to make her own decision. Why is he so obsessed with taking her phone off her ? Teenagers are stuck to their phone, its quite normal !

WeAreGerbil · 25/05/2018 15:14

Teenagers are stuck to their phone, its quite normal

One of the issues with DD's dad is that he has no idea what's normal for children or teenagers as he doesn't hang out with other people with kids the same age and has very little contact with her. I wonder if that's part of the issue here.

Original poster
PookieDo · 25/05/2018 15:15

She doesn’t have any social media she isn’t interested in it, or playing games. She has a lovely group of friends who do text a lot (and phones are not allowed in my house at bedtime) but 99% she is listening to music, which she loves. She’s not doing anything bad.
I think i feel really sorry for her and guilty.
Even reading/writing all this has made me upset for her.

OP posts:
frenchfancy · 25/05/2018 15:16

Don't force her to go, but don't write it off as she never wants to see her Dad.

Let it go week by week. Let her know that she is in control and can change her mind as and when she feels like it. Teens at that age need to feel control.

fuzzywuzzy · 25/05/2018 15:17

He’s being sbusive to her.

Picking on her

Bitching about her to her siblings

Singling her out for admonishing when her sibling is allowed the same.

At this age even the courts take children’s wishes and feelings into account.

Just tell him she has an activity or plans for this weekend and if she doesn’t want to go next time also make an excuse lead it up to telling him she doesn’t want overnight contact.

She should not be subject to bullying and belittling, she should not be taught to put up and shut up.

Going by your ex’s behaviour towards her I’m not surprised she doesn’t want to go, no adult would maintain regular contact with a parent who treated them like that why should she.

rememberthetime · 25/05/2018 15:26

My daughter stopped contact with her dad at the same age and he sounds quite similar. her older brother stayed in contact.

My ex treated her differently and this became a huge issue.

Look up scapegoating and the golden child. You might see some similarities. For us, she was the scapegoat and her brother was the golden child. She felt like she was to blame for everything.

Allowing her to stay apart from him has been good for her. She is adamant she will not see him again (been nearly 2 years now) and I have to respect her feelings. He hasn't stopped trying though and still sends her texts and emails regularly.

I do hope they work it out, but I also know what he is like and he was and is damaging to her.

I would explain to him that legally you have no right to force her to go. that this is her choice and you support her. that you will keep the door open for her to return any time she wants and that you support him in keeping contact with her as best as possible.

I would try a compromise, that she will see him regularly - but not stay over. Such as going out for dinner, meeting for a coffee - that kind of thing.

In short bursts and when alone - they might rebuild their relationship.

RatherBeRiding · 25/05/2018 15:38

She's old enough to know her own mind, and she sounds as though she's made up her mind - and with good reason. He actually sounds horrible to her.

It isn't in any child's best interests to have ongoing contact with a parent who is emotionally abusive. And he is. He almost certainly doesn't realise he is, and would vehemently deny he is - but he is.

I'd be guided by her and wouldn't attempt to persuade her. I like the suggestion from another poster of taking it a week at a time. That way there is no absolute cut-off point, and it feels "open" in that at any given weekend she can decide to go, or not, as she feels able.

I would also not insist that she is the one to tell him. 14 is very young for a sensitive child to have to stand up to an abusive and over-bearing parent, but not too young to know that she doesn't want to see him for the time being.

It does leave you in a very difficult position though, and obviously you are worried about the siblings' relationship but there is nothing to be gained by making your daughter feel as though she is being bullied into ongoing contact that is making her unhappy just to keep the peace with her brother and her father.

I would say that at 16 her brother is plenty old enough to understand the nuances of all the different relationships, and he deserves to know the reasons why his sister is reluctant to continue seeing their father - for the time being.

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