Teen no longer wants to visit father

[PookieDo]

I have 2 DC and I really need some advice. I’m worried about how to approach this, reduce the impact on both my dc who have completely different feelings. I’m scared of it hurting their sibling relationship

I have been apart from their DF for over 10 years. He is a difficult man and has never bonded well with our youngest child. I receive small amount of maintenance. He sees them regularly and even takes them on holiday, but doesn’t do any school things such as homework or come to parents evenings. All the parent Work is down to me.

The eldest is 16 and adores DF and wants to continue a relationship.

The youngest 14 does not wish to continue a relationship with DF.

Dc14 does not know how to tell him, is so unhappy and I have tried many times to help improve their relationship but it isn’t working. I’m concerned that continued contact is not in DC14 best interests for their mental wellbeing. DC14 is often in tears, anxious and unhappy knowing they are going there on the weekend all week.

Because DC16 does not understand how DC14 feels, they have tension between them. DC1 feels that DC2 is unfair on their dad and I try to tell them they are both allowed to feel differently and that’s ok. But not to be mean to each other about it.

DC2 does not want to tell him. They want me to do it. I don’t know what to say because ex will take this very badly. Part of me feels sorry for them both but more so my DC as they are my priority.

There is no court involvement.

Any advice?

I should have worded it: she has made a lot of improvements without medication, the time for it was when she was 7/8 years old. That’s when she really needed it. I am not sure of what impact it would have now, she doesn’t want it, I don’t think she would take it properly. We did manage it all this time, the only way we could seen as it was not offered to her until last year.

I endorse many PP. 14:is old enough to know you don't want to spend time with a parent. The courts would listen to her and so should you.

Both a friend's DC didn't want to see their DF. She told him and he took it badly, sending a solicitor's letter blaming my friend. The DC replied to the letter, saying it was their choice, not DM's. That was the end of it.

I don't know how your ex is likely to react but this tactic might work.

The family dynamics you describe are really familiar to me OP. I agree with others - DD2 is old enough to make a decision and I would deliver it for her, in your shoes. I think DD1 enjoys being the golden child and it gives her very mixed messages, reinforcing that her behaviour is okay, when it isn't. I wonder if she enjoys the bullying by her Dad to DD2 because it vindicates her in some way. I would inform Dad that contact is stopping, for a while at least, and I would try and contain the fall out from DD1 saying that however she feels about DD2's decision, it's not hers to make. DD1 probably doesn't want to be left to deal with her Dad because she actually knows he is abusive. In your shoes, I would try and work on my relationship with DD1 because she is being influenced against you and needs to feel loved by you. She probably knows deep down that you are the safe parent. It's very stressful and it's really hard to know what to do when you're in the middle of it. I feel for you.

Thanks yes counsellors have all told me repeatedly that I am ‘safe’ which is why I get the acting out - she doesn’t always know how to express herself in any other way except angry. So she’s angry when she’s sad and you don’t know she’s sad because she is being angry. It is very hard work to get underneath what makes her sad/angry but instead of trying to force it out of her I am just there if she wants to talk. Unfortunately I have become the Bad Cop parent because all boundaries/discussion/punishment where appropriate comes from only me with her, so it’s only obvious she resents me for that and not him. He gets to Disney Dad her over and over and she very much enjoys the attention. I can’t blame her. It’s confusing. Whereas DD2 can see it’s all toxic.

I’ve told DD2 I will help her. I will tell him she wants a break. I think saying it’s permanent is just silly as will erupt and make it all worse for them both

I wouldn't make her go, he sounds like an abusive arsehole.

I wouldn't stress the 'temporary' part too much. Your DD2 definitely has the measure of him. I had similar advice to you and it was so hard to take as my older child was so awful to me, but we are working on our relationship now she is older. I love her very much and regret how much I allowed abusive ex to influence her - though I didn't know how to change it.

I think you sound very level headed and understaning OP.
From your posts it sounds like you are doing what you can and are always open to helping both your dc in the way that they need individually.
Ex sounds like a nasty fucker who has chosen a favourite and is making it very obvious. i would definitely intervine
Dniece 1&2 have been through very similar with there father and his family and it has had a long lasting nasty effect on dn2

I’ve told DD2 I will help her. I will tell him she wants a break. I think saying it’s permanent is just silly as will erupt and make it all worse for them both

^ this sounds like a good idea hope all goes well for dd2

So they both had already gone this weekend and DD2 has said this was her last.
I got stuck somewhere and couldn’t collect as early as they would have liked. DD1 was the one who kicked off about that and I had to make arrangements for them to go to a family for 2 hours until I arrived as they had both had enough of him and wanted to leave.

When I arrived DD1 kicked off about DD2’s decision and made her cry. I tried to get them both to discuss their feelings and listen to each other but it was a disaster, so we left it be.

DD1 then kicked off at me again today. She says all I do is bitch about ex and he hasn’t done anything wrong. Why did I have kids if I don’t like them and why do I blame her for our break up (I don’t). Then she wouldn’t talk about it anymore - classic DD1 - throw an emotional grenade and walk away. I did spent time trying to talk to her without badmouthing her dad, just to say I was very young when I had them and sometimes I am resentful that he doesn’t help more, I’ve had to do it all by myself and it is hard - but I don’t regret it. I don’t regret them but I am only human and life as a single parent is hard. Sometimes I’m sad that he isn’t an equal parent to them - and it is his choice not mine. She is angry with me for not standing up for them more. Why don’t I tell him XYZ? I did not say because he’s an asshole who will stoop very low to get his own way, making all kinds of horrible threats and left us 3 fucking penniless and HOMELESS.
Yeah I do have resentment towards him and clearly I haven’t hidden it well. It isn’t DD’s fault. I’ve said it’s half my fault and half his fault and I am sorry and feel bad. I’m trying my best. But I feel like I have let them down

Sorry also to add, I will never tell DD how bad it really was because I had wouldn’t know how.
He threw us all out of our house when I said I didn’t love him anymore and refused to be amicable. This was after he would threaten me with violence to get me to do things/stop doing things, like “if you do X I will punch you in the face”. I was on total lockdown financially and socially and had no friends and no money. It was just a horrible way to live. He would threaten to leave his job if I went to the CSA and has given me 1/3 of the minimum he should pay for 10 years. He now has a new family and is playing Mr Good Guy so I look bitter and resentful. I’m happy having less involvement from him in my life don’t get me wrong, but I am sad it’s turned out that way. And despite working so hard to give my kids a good life DD1 thinks I am a shit parent

Hi all we are struggling with this now

DD has just switched off and in avoidance mode, the situation is really not going well at all. Ex is so irritated and annoyed and blaming me and DD but it all comes across irrationally and just blame no solutions.

Since she stopped going when I first posted I convinced her to go once for a few hours but that’s as far as I have got. She says she feels less stressed by not going and not interested in rebuilding a relationship. I think she could be persuaded but only by him, through his actions. But no matter how much I tell him to stop being annoyed, irritated and agressive he will not stop. I told him to try talking to her but he just sends one line texts once or twice a week and she ignores him or sends single words back. He hasn’t made ANY other effort to reconnect with her, apparently this is my job to just demand she does what he says

DD1 is totally on his side and keeps kicking off at DD2 having a right go, then blaming me again.

I have tried being sympathetic and helpful to all 3 of them but I am just getting all the blame.

DD1 tells me that she agrees I am the cause and fault and that I need to toughen up on DD2. She point blank refuses to see DD2’s POV.

I am so sick of it now

Op I really think your DD's need professional help. Help from somebody not associated with the family in any way.
I currently have a similar situation but DD is only 9 and we have a court order inplace

Have you asked dd1 how she would like to be told what to do? Should you force her not to see her df? How would she feel if you tried. Don’t say anything else. If she shouts don’t engage, tell her you respect her choice and you respect dd2 choice. Good luck op

I have tried all that with DD1 but she’s too far on one side to see the other

I contacted a counselling place last week and we keep missing each other’s calls. I think GP will be no help.

DD2 actually is fine... she doesn’t feel bad or sad or anything really. She’s fine with her decision and doesn’t even seem to feel guilty. I mean is that normal? I don’t know. She is very open with me and way less stressed because now the stress is transferred to me!

DD1 and ex are just displaying real aggression and frustrations which instantly means you can’t really engage with them

I kind of wish he did take me to court because at least then a 3rd party would be able to mediate. I am not the right person to mediate this!

This is quite similar to the situation in my family. My dad is a PITA and has let me and my sister down time and time again.

My little sister decided when she was about 13/14 that she had enough. Initially my mum told him that she was busy/had homework/a friends birthday. This only worked because I was on side and more than happy to play along.

She eventually had it out with him after a particularly spectacular shitshow from him and she's hardly seen him since. She's now an adult and is sure she's made the right decision. I still see him a couple of times a month. I did have to have a chat to him about spending time with me when I see him rather than grilling me about my sister and after a pretty typical temper tantrum he seems to have taken it on board.

I wish I had more useful advice but she'll be ok, she needs to do what's right for her.

I feel for you OP and can empathise having been in exactly the same situation.

When two individuals don't get on, or even like each other, it's often better to bring the relationship to an end (temporarily or not) for the sake of either party's mental well-being. It's her right to see him if she wants to but it's not his to dictate whether she does or not.

My DD didn't want a relationship with her dad because, like your daughter, she just doesn't like him, his ways or his personality. I did encourage her all the way to try and have some kind of relationship and she would have been happy with phone calls or Skype but he had to maintain control over her and her decisions.

It didn't end well and now, at 16 she has nothing to do with him and according to her, she never will.

Don't try and force her to see him and if you have to, let him know yourself that she needs time to think about the nature of their relationship. I spoke to my DD about the fact her father may never see her graduate, married, have contact with her children etc. but she really dislikes him and does not care.

Your ex-DH may try to punish your DD by not sending her birthday or xmas cards or presents - as does my DDs father. He may take you to court - but won't win as she's old enough to make her own decisions.

Your elder DD needs to understand too that she has her own relationship with her DF and that's fine but she shouldn't force her opinions on her sister.

Good luck.

I think your daughter is old enough to decide for herself if she wants to go to her dads or not but I think her dad needs to be told why she doesn’t want to go (to eliminate the idea that it is you stopping her).

Though with how agitated she is at the prospect I think it needs to come from you. The way he is treating her doesn’t sound healthy at all. He shouldn’t be ganging up on her with her older sibling and treating them both differently. It can cause resentment and cause friction not just with her dad but with the two of them as well.

There’s no harm in her just visiting for a few hours. I don’t think I’d want to share a room for 2 nights with smaller children either.

was anything mentioned since you last commented on here?

Hi
So DD2 is refusing to talk to him since he barraged her with agressive texts and says it’s too late for an apology either. He just is sticking to ‘its my way or no way’ and hasn’t really bothered with her for over a week now
Apparently in his day kids just did as they were told.
DD is just done with it now. She misses her little sister (his child) but I don’t think willing to keep being the grown up in the situation and I really don’t think she’s going to go again.
She’s been honest with him now about how she feels but it just makes him angry and agressive!

DD1 has sadly had a taste of this medicine now too when he was agressive and manipulative to her this weekend and she came home in a foul rage then burst into tears. She did open up a little bit but now won’t at all. She still wants to see him

Sometimes I feel like I just want to take them both as far away as I can get from him, not to punish him but to protect them, he’s getting worse because they are speaking their own minds and making their own choices and he’s blaming me for not controlling them

I said the other day if he’s unhappy with my parenting then he’s had 10 fucking years to say or do something about it it’s too late now. He left me to do it all and if he Doesn’t like it then it’s tough shit. I raised nice kids, but he’s given them emotional issues. I do fucking blame him and it serves him all right he is reaping what he has sown

God I feel for you op.

I have a vaguely similar issue in the dd14 is becoming quite vocal about not wanting to see her stepmum ever again. But her dad thinks they are a 'really close family' and wont listen to anything I have said in my attempts to make him see dd's pov.

The emotional fallout for dd is a fucking nightmare and her behaviour at school and occasionally at home is proof of that.

Your dd2 sounds v mature about it all but I can totally understand that you now get all the stress! I too am piggy in the middle between all of us (ds17 included!) and it's utterly draining.

So no real advice but this has been an interesting thread and I think you can only keep doing what you're doing as you sound sensible and informed.

In a way, he's made dd2's decision more concrete by behaving like an abusive cunt. Tell dd2 to mute/block Dad.

I have 3 kids. Oldest isn't seeing Dad, middle is heading towards not seeing Dad while the youngest is indifferent about seeing him (but loves his dog) The kids have made comments to each other but their choices but I've insisted that their decisions are nobody else's business but their own.

I think that your dd2 has made the right decision tbh. I worry for dd1 but her opinion matters.

He told DD1 he has given up on DD2 doesn’t care anymore and won’t bother with her anymore because he’s ‘tried’ (by sending 1 nicer text after all the agressive ones) although hasn’t apologised or done anything else.

DD1 came home and announced this. I went to DD2 and asked if it had bothered her she said no but she seems irritable and unhappy no matter how many times I try to ask whether it’s affecting her she say it doesn’t.

So I am going to tell DD1 she must not say or do anything else about it now

How depressing

He told DD1 he has given up on DD2 doesn’t care anymore and won’t bother with her anymore because he’s ‘tried’ (by sending 1 nicer text after all the agressive ones) although hasn’t apologised or done anything else

What a vile man
Dont worry op in time both dds will see him for what he is and will most likely not want anything to do with him.

He is still trying with random texts
She is adamant he’s blown it so not replying. He probably doesn’t know that she knows what DD1 repeated that he said he was giving up on her