Found out 14 year DD has engaged in sexual behaviour

[ggmam]

Im devestated to discover my 14 yr old DD tried to have intercourse woth her Bf and they never used or discussed contraception. i came accross messages on a shared computer at home. i got her the morning after pill and have an appointment with a family planning centre. i also discovered she has been telling lots of lies recently and is so good at lying. i feel i have no idea who she is and dont like the person she is growing into. Im going to talk to her boyfriend and explain what i expect from both of them or ill go to his parents about this and the consequences of protected sex which im shocked they wouldnt understand this already. anyone ever found themselves in this position? i feel like ive lost the child i thought i knew.

Oh dear. They tried to have intercourse?
Did they actually have intercourse?
Because if they haven't then there is another conversation to have.
Why does she feel she has to lie to you?
Why are you reading her messages?
YOu must respect her privacy if she is to trust you. First of all.
I understand you are worried and shocked but 14 year olds will have sex. It does happen.
Has she spoken to you and confirmed they have had sex

First of all she is still your daughter, however she is growing up and experimenting, please don't make her feel ashamed of what has happened as she is not likely to openly discuss things with you ever again. I understand it is hard that she is growing up, however the horse has bolted so to speak so you need to have a frank conversation with her, get her on some long term contraception and keep lines of communication open. She is so young, please be gentle with her. FWIW I would probably feel a bit sad if it were my daughter too, i would feel sad that she didn't feel she could approach me.

Yes they have had sex and im glad i read those messages ive never read her messages before it came up on the computer i was using and im relieved ive seen them as i could be facing a teenage pregnancy right now.
other than the pill can amy one recommend contraception for 14 yr old odviously its her choice what she chooses but i know she wouldnt take a pill everyday. im hoping she would be open to the implantation or coil.
we will discuss all options in family planning centre but if any one has experince, advise on this it would be much appreciated.

No family planning practitioner would put a coil in a child's uterus! Good god. I'm not sure about the implant to be fair but her best bet is the pill unless she has risk factors that make it contraindicated. The family planning clinic will be very helpful and hopefully help her choose something that suits her best. Obviously confirms are a must regardless of contraception for the prevention of STIs.
Good luck! Don't be too hard on her but please make sure she understands consent and isn't being pressured in anyway.

It is also illegal and the serious repercussions for her boyfriend need to be voiced..

First of all i would insist on her using condoms every time and would probably try and encourage her to get something realtively long term such as the depo injection or the implant. The coil is quite an invasive procedure for a teenager i would imagine, especially if she is self conscious.

I had a very similar experience at 14 and my parents found out; this was the days of writing letters to your friends

My dad didn't speak to me for about a month and my mum got me the morning after pill - even though we didn't have intercourse but tried. I was told never to do it again, there was no talk of contraception. I carried on seeing my boyfriend and we did then have sex frequently unprotected. How I didn't become pregnant I've no idea!

You sound like a brilliant mum, Just be there for her. Maybe she could try the injection or the implant, then she doesn't have to think about it on a daily basis.

But as other posters have said make sure she isn't being pressured into anything and condoms protect from sexually transmitted infections unlike the pill or the implant

I had a similarly shocking experience with my 15 year old DD. I didn't feel like she was taking contraception seriously and I wasn't confident that she'd remember to take the pill every day, so we went to the GP together and discussed options. Obviously it was her body, so her choice, but I encouraged her to have the implant fitted, really for my own peace of mind. She did and it's been fine.

A coil might be perfectly reasonable. I have fitted them in fifteen year olds, with appropriate safeguarding discussion. Beats a pregnancy.

maybe ask about the contraception patch. I have used it for years no problems. It's like the pill but in patch form change patch weekly and have a patch free week. It's easily hidable I wore mine on my hip or top of leg.

Thank you for all your replys. of course i will be talking about condoms for sure. I will be talking to her boyfriend about all this also.Im sure it will be very awkward but he came to my home and has put my child in a position to have become pregnant. She had him in the home while i wasnt here.
They are dating 5 months and she said she wasnt pressured. She is crazy about him.

yes i remember using that as a teen but i honestly couldnt trust her to change it every week , i still have to nag her to brush her teeth! shes actially quite lazy like most her age i suppose. im really hoping she will be open to longer term contraception.

How old is the boyfriend?

I lost my virginity at 14. I’d been with my boyfriend nearly a year, we always used condoms every single time. I felt I was ready. I was a good kid, I was just in love (I thought). I was also on the pill because of problematic periods.

Unfortunately girls losing their virginity at this age isn’t uncommon. She needs to be more careful in terms of protection. There’s no way on earth she’d get a coil (and believe me internals at that age are extremely traumatic, let alone coil insertion). The implant is very powerful hormonally and I wouldn’t give this to a developing girl. I’m not entirely sure that the pill is a great idea either - I have endometriosis (undiagnosed at the time) and was on artificial hormones from 13 to 33 and it caused me so many problems. If she does go on the pill, make sure it’s the lowest dose available (that used to be Loestrin 20, not sure if that’s still the case). I would ensure she gets a lot of comdoms from family planning and they put the fear of god into her about STDs

Please try not to shame her - she will only hide it from you. Seems like she’s going to be doing this whether you’re happy about it or not. The most important thing is that she’s as safe as possible.

I can’t imagine a 14 year old on Depo - it’s so powerful, even in my early 20s the side effects were unbearable and it took over a year to get out of my system after only two injections.

If she got the pill could you give it to her each morning if she’s not able to take it herself?

Get her an implant.

Boyfriend is 14 also i cant understand how they thought it was ok to have unprotected sex. ive spoke to her about this many times in recent years. I feel this really shows how immature they are and defo shouldn't be having sex but i know its gonna happen so I've to just hekp her protect herself.
i am considering talming to his parents but just not sure as ive never met them before so no idea how it could go! any advise on this? hes only 14 and odviously hadnt a clue about sexual health or contraception

What a shock for you OP, no advice but for you.

I know the pill wouldn't work and to give it everyday would cause alot of stress on me im pregnant myself and would love the reasurance of having long term protection for her.
she also stays with granny some weekends and on holidays and i dont want her to know whats going on as shes getting old and is definitely not ready to accept this and would be just worrying i don't want to inflict this on her.

Oh my God I’d be shocked. My eldest DD is 13 and miles off this so I can imagine how surprised/upset you are. However is saying that you are where you are with her and there really is no way back in a relationship from sex, speaking for myself once I discovered it, I certainly wasn’t going back to snogging in relationships after. I think you have to accept that contraception is an absolute must from here out for her. You sound fab for taking all of this on board. I hope I am the same once my time comes around.

Hi OP, I have been in exactly your position. My 14 year old had a boyfriend who she “loved” and I found out through her sister that she was sexually active with him whilst I was at work! They did use condoms but I’m afraid that wasn’t enough for me, so as horrible as it was, I took her to family planning and we talked through all the options. She chose the mini pill. Anyway, the romance didn’t last as long as the prescription. Now she is sixteen and has dumped three consecutive boyfriends because they want sex and she isn’t ready, which I’m really proud of. So as bad as that time was, it does get better

Thank u pink. I honestly thought this wasnt something i woukd be facing this soon even when she started dating she would tell me she would not be considering this for yrs so im just in shock but have to accept its happening now.
its just very strange as one day she was my baby now growing into a young women because she is the oldest this is all so new to me.

Hi funkelsmuck , i agree completely condoms are nit enough at last ur teen was using these i cant believe my teen didnt. ur teen sounds very sensible i hope mine will show to be aswell

I don’t know how I would react to this. You sound amazingly calm. I think I’d be shouting statutory rape! To me a 14 year old is very much a child mentally. Sounds like long term contraception would be wise but man, 14?!

I would be showing some pics of diseased genetalia. Explaining stds are spreading massively in teenagers and condoms are the only way to stop it. Then get condoms and bananas and make her practice!