Found out 14 year DD has engaged in sexual behaviour

[ggmam]

Im devestated to discover my 14 yr old DD tried to have intercourse woth her Bf and they never used or discussed contraception. i came accross messages on a shared computer at home. i got her the morning after pill and have an appointment with a family planning centre. i also discovered she has been telling lots of lies recently and is so good at lying. i feel i have no idea who she is and dont like the person she is growing into. Im going to talk to her boyfriend and explain what i expect from both of them or ill go to his parents about this and the consequences of protected sex which im shocked they wouldnt understand this already. anyone ever found themselves in this position? i feel like ive lost the child i thought i knew.

If the boy is 14 as well then there is no statutory rape and while they are both under the age of consent, no-one will be prosecuted. There's no point going down that route.

Showing photos of diseased genitalia is also not going to work - calm, open conversation and trust are needed here to make your DD engage in safe sex. Which has to include condoms to protect against STIs.

No advice since my DS is a toddler but I just wanted to pop in & say I think you're handling this extremely well. You're a great mum

Hi OP sorry you've got this stress to deal with. Just a couple of thoughts. Are you sure she didn't want to become pregnant? You mentioned you are pregnant and pregnant women sometimes get 'special' treatment. Maybe she is looking for some attention and thought this was they way, time off school, new pram. All the nice shiny bits of pregnancy and motherhood-none of the reality.

You said you used the patch as a teen, how old were you when you had your first sexual experience? I was 13, not full intercourse but not far off it and i would have happily had babies at an early age. I think my body was ready.

It's a confusing time and it sounds like you're being a great support.

@Loandbeholdagain rape ??? Really ???
For two teenagers of the same age having sex ?

Don’t be ridiculous

She must be told that under age sex is illegal and will not be tolerated. I would go to the boy's parents. It is no use providing condoms and condoning this behaviour.

there really is no way back in a relationship from sex

Not sure that's necessarily true, I lost my virginity at 15 and it was so awful I didn't do it again til I was 19!

vivienemary That is terrible advice. Was it that long ago that you were a teenager that you think that would actually work? OP is going to end up with a pregnant teenage daughter if she follows your advice!!

GPs will absolutely consider fitting a coil for a teenager should they choose that option.

Just because they're under 16 doesn't mean they're not allowed access to contraception that adults have.

My DCs aren't teens yet, but part of my last placement at uni was discussing sex, sexual health, and contraception with teenagers.

My advice would be to avoid making her feel ashamed or embarrassed at all costs, if so she'd be unlikely to come to you with any problems she may have in the future. Lay out all her options regarding contraception (and do your research first), show her some contraception websites geared towards teenagers that she browse on her own if that'll make her feel more comfortable.

https://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/Sexandyoungpeople/Pages/Gettingcontraception.aspx

Talk about what methods you used, what you felt worked best, and why. Then ask if she'd like you to make a GP appointment, and if she'd like you to go with her, she might like to talk to the GP on her own, and you should respect that.

Don't try scare her with pictures of diseases or horror stories as some PP suggest if a teenager wants to have sex, then they will regardless of what happened to some random person they've never met. You sound like you're doing a good job already, I can imagine how frightening this must feel as a parent.

So they are to be told that 14 year olds having sex is perfectly correct and acceptable. No it isn't. This is going to become more and more of a problem in the future with girls getting younger and younger. When is the line drawn.

Viviennemary there is a point between your extreme pov of 'you must forbid your DC from having sex even if you have to set the police on them' and the other extreme of 'go ahead and do what you want, it's all ok'. Neither of those things is a desirable course of action. It's a bit late for OP's DD, but even so, there is nothing from stopping OP from sitting down with her DD and exploring why she wants to have sex, what the pros and cons are and if she does decide to go ahead, how best to proceed safely. A blunt no will just result in secretive and possibly risky behaviour.

In a wider context, this is why sex education needs reform so badly. I'm from the Netherlands, where the average age of first intercourse is much higher than it is here - and that isn't because they're so strict and ban everything. It's because sex ed starts very young, sex is openly discussed and isn't a forbidden titillating thing. The UK needs a culture change.

That was a sensible post pointythings. However, more sex education doesn't seem to have worked in the UK though I did hear teenage pregnancies have come down a lot. But I think we both agree that children of 14 and even younger having sex isn't to be encouraged but discouraged. It just isn't a good idea IMHO.

I absolutely agree that 14-year-olds having sex is not to be encouraged. What we need isn't more sex education, it's culture change. That means uprooting British prudishness about all things sexual - it's going to take decades for that to happen. It's a good thing that teenage pregnancy has come down so much though, and that the current generation of teenagers are drinking far less than the older generation. We're getting some progress, it's just too slow.

Thank you everyone for all your replys. This site has been very helpful over the last few days of what has been the most stressful time of my life since being a parent. i have spoken to my Dd over past 2 days alot, i would be deluded if i thought me saying i dont want her to have sex means she wont. She agreed to see doc this week and is open to the implant. I spoke anout sex education and turns out she had some facts wrongs. I spoke with the boyfriend also today about this.
I know she doesnt want to have a baby she sees my changing body with pregnancy and its gross as she says . she just wasnt as well informed about sex ed as what i thought. i would like to get her some literature to read as i think this may help aswell so she knows what im telling her is fact and has an even greater understanding if anyone has bought sex ed books for there teen and can recommend that would be great.
The sex ed in school has been useless to date also i feel

I think I’d be shouting statutory rape!

There's no such thing as statutory rape in the UK so you'd be wasting your breath. Given that they are both 14, no police officer is going to look twice at this. The OP is doing absolutely the right thing in considering talking and contraception - given that this is happening, keeping the lines of communication open and making sure that everyone is protected from pregnancy and disease is the most sensible approach.

I agree OP. Your posts and others on here regarding younger teens and sex have made me realise that either sex ed is seriously lacking in schools or that it needs to be revisited again and again until the message gets through. I think teens also pay more on information from their peers or social media which is often incorrect, than they do to lessons delivered in an awkward classroom situation. Watching with interest for book recommendations.

Glad she's agreed to go to see GP.

Have you spoken to his parents?
They too need to talk to him about condoms or protection etc.

I too worry for Ds1, that the sex education do far in and up to year 9, has been beyond dire.

Dory the key is for parents to talk openly to their children about sex, from a young age, always in age-appropriate terms. This is clearly not happening in the UK, so the responsibility is heaped on schools - but the curriculum is weak, not part of core teaching and parents are allowed to opt out. I have never trusted school to teach my DDs what they need to know, I've done it myself - but then I'm Dutch.

And yes, there were some 'ewww, gross, I'm never going to do that!' moments, but on the other hands both my DDs have felt able to talk to me when things happened at school (one boy behaving in a sexually inappropriate way to DD1) or when they had questions and feelings (both of them coming out as gay). We are open and trusting with each other. If all parents could do this, we wouldn't need sex ed at all, but unfortunately that isn't happening.

Op I think you're handling this really well. It's difficult. It's not too late for them to go back to a less sexual relationship they are both very young and unlikely to be mature enough to deal with potential consequences. If you're worried about her taking the pill then injection or implant make most sense, personally I'm not keen on the coil. I'm guessing you'll also be talking to her about the emotional consequences - inc if the boyfriend or indeed dd makes it common knowledge which unfortunately could lead to negative judgments from others. How she's going to feel when they break up etc

My dd is 17 and had her first sexual relationship last year. I've always been very open and honest with all this kind of info, not just the practicalities but the emotions involved too.

She came and talked to me, decided to go on the pill before anything happened, but knew condoms would be needed too which I offered to get but she said she'd get them herself. That relationship has since ended but she doesn't regret it and they're still friendly.

But that said its not schools job to provide sex ed, I think it should be provided in schools not because it's their responsibility but because too many parents don't fulfil their responsibilities or lack the knowledge themselves to do so.

We're nowhere near the Dutch model on sex ed yet and we need to get there faster. Sex ed in school is still too often given by awkward, ill-informed teachers. Some of the crap dd was told is baffling I had to correct so much.

I totally agree Pointy although this is not always easy if they don’t want to talk about it and of course they think they already know it all!

I would absolutely want to know if my son had engaged in sex at 14 especially unprotected due to a lack of knowledge. I think if I were you I'd tell his parents so they can educate him.

Hi op, you are handing this brilliantly.
When I was about 12 o found my eldest sister’s copy of Our Bodies Ourselves, it has absolutely loads of info about everything to do with female sexuality, including contraception. When my dd turned 13 last year I idly looked for it on the net, and a new edition had just come out. It’s a massive book, like a reference book really, but invaluable.

Kids these days know so much more about sex from the internet, tv and films than we ever did, so it's not surprising it seems acceptable to give it a go. But there is a lot of responsibility that goes with sex - not just pregnancy but STD's too, some of which don't show symptoms but do have consequences. I found fourteen to be one of the most difficult ages to sit and have a chat as both my teens felt they knew much more than me and didn't need my advice. Having said that, they usually took advice from their friends - who often gave them incorrect information - or the 'experts' such as the GP or Family Planning (if they still exist). I don't envy you this situation and it will be interesting what the BF's parents have to say - if you manage to speak to them - they may be even more concerned than you as there is a legal issue here.

Having said that, they usually took advice from their friends - who often gave them incorrect information

^
This is a big problem, misinformation and hearsay.

Have been googling for my (older) dd on the same topic today and found this: www.amazon.co.uk/Doing-Lets-Talk-About-Sex/dp/1526360039?tag=mumsnetforum-21