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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Daughter wants to live with dad

20 replies

Littlemisslost · 19/03/2018 08:17

My 14yr old dad wants to live with her dad.
We are at the end of our divorce and he is going back to his parents..... 160 miles away!
Dd and I have always argued a lot and she is very selfish at times and can be very nasty ( teenager I know)
She has totally sided with her dad all the way through the divorce (even though it’s his fault)
She is adamant she wants to go with her dad and I feel helpless. The more I have tried to talk to her about it, leaving school, friends, not knowing anyone, dad not having a stable job, living with keenly grandparents etc etc .... the more she seems adamant and we are now at the stage where she doesn’t even answer my messages. I hardly see her at all and I am scared. She is my only child and feel I’ve don’t nothing wrong except be a strict but fair, hard working mother.

OP posts:

Northernparent68 · 19/03/2018 16:55

Why not let her ? She’s clearly unhappy and has made her mind up. The alternative is to live with her hostility until she’s 16 and can move out anyway.

SD1978 · 19/03/2018 17:07

If she wants to go, as much as it will hurt- I think you need to let her. But explain that you love her, and that you will always be there for her if she wants to come home to you. She may feel differently once she does go- for me the most important thing would be her knowing she can always change her mind. Being apart may give her and you a different perspective and more positive relationship in the long run.

upsideup · 19/03/2018 17:11

You need to let her chose, my dsd's mum didnt let her go and live with her dad when she asked to at 13 and she resented her. The soon as she turned 16 she moved out of her mums and has hardly seen her since (she is now 22), those 3 years when her mum forced her to stay where she was unhappy completely ruined their relationship and if she had been allowed to live with her dad their relationship could have be saved.

CointreauVersial · 19/03/2018 17:13

Let her go. Assuming you consider XDH to be an adequate parent and there are no safety concerns.

It might be just the space you need to rebuild your relationship. She might well find the grass isn't greener after all, and end up missing her mum more than she thinks.

I did exactly this at 15 (although I was at boarding school, so it was only during the holidays). I wasn't getting on with DSDad, and felt that living with "fun" DDad would be better. Well, it was fun, but after a couple of years I found I was back spending as much time with DM as with DDad. And I now have a very good relationship with all of them.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 19/03/2018 17:16

It might be a case of letting her go so that she comes back to you, OP. It must really hurt you. On the other hand, living with her sounds very painful too. She's clearly got a false picture of her dad - might it be worth it to let her go now, knowing she'll soon find out what he's like? And often teenagers behave better with older people - her grandparents - and that would help everyone. And one day she could well wake up and think "What the hell am I doing??" and come back to you.

Might it be better to give in gracefully with certain conditions as to how often you talk on the phone, how often you see her and where that'll be, etc, rather than have her living with you for two more years, sulking and resentful and nasty? Those two years will seem very long if she's still with you.

CompleteAisling · 19/03/2018 17:18

People are saying let her go, but he's moving in with his parents? Has anyone asked them if they want a teenager as well as their grown so coming home? Is there room? Is he even willing to take her?

MyBrilliantDisguise · 19/03/2018 17:47

But those are problems that her ex and her daughter will have to face, CompleteAisling. Maybe a different decision will be made but at the moment the OP is being made to look like the bad guy simply for wanting to look after her daughter herself.

IAmWonkoTheSane · 19/03/2018 17:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CompleteAisling · 19/03/2018 17:51

But those are problems that her ex and her daughter will have to face, CompleteAisling

and by extension, OP. Would you send your child to live somewhere they were not wanted, or adequately housed, just so you don't look like the bad guy?

Curious1981 · 19/03/2018 18:23

. She's clearly got a false picture of her dad

She’s lived with her father for 14 years.
He must be one hell of an actor if he’s kept up a pretence for this long.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 19/03/2018 18:26

Yes, by extension the OP will have to suffer, too. But she's going to suffer, either way. If her daughter lives away then the OP's life will be peaceful at times, at least. If her daughter stays, there'll be aggravation all the time.

If her daughter leaves and realises she was wrong, that life isn't better away from home, then she'll go back to her mum. She'll have a honeymoon period, no doubt, but I reckon letting her go now is the best way of maintaining a good relationship with her.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 19/03/2018 18:27

Personally, I would say no. He has no home, no stable job and your dd will be starting gcse's next year. Now is not the time to let her move away from school and home and all her security.
She may well resent it now, but as a parent you have to do what is right for her, which is not necessarily what she wants.

Maybe when he is gone, she will settle down and your relationship will improve.
What has her dad said on this subject? Will he support you keeping her and not allow your dd to blame you?

I think I would say to her that if he is settled and has a home for her and can support her, you will let her go when her gcse's are done and she can do her A - levels at a school/college near her dad.

I would say to stbx that if he really wants her with him, then he needs to get a home and steady job sorted asap.

Aprilmightmemynewname · 19/03/2018 18:29

When my ds was in bother he decided to live with df - or rather away from me and rules /punishment. A year later he was nc with df and with me ft. He said he needed parenting after all. Df (Disney father) didn't have a clue full time.
So let her go op is my advice. She will likely see the grass isn't green after all. Keep your texts light and non pa and wait patiently.

Curious1981 · 19/03/2018 18:31

I would say...

“Yes, you can live with your dad. I’m not going to lie, there’s nothing more I’d like than for you to live with me but I want you to be happy and if this makes you happy - then this is the way forward BUT your dad needs to get a job before you move in. Do we agree on that point?”

BarbarianMum · 19/03/2018 19:00

How is your relationship with her dad? Could you sit down and talk this tbrough constructively with him? Has she started GCSEs? Is he planning to live with his parents long term?

BrendasUmbrella · 19/03/2018 19:42

What does her DF want? Best to discuss it with him first, you could have WW3 over this then find out he/his DPs can't accommodate her?

But if it's what she really wants I don't think you should stop her.

NorthernSpirit · 23/03/2018 11:17

Why wouldn’t you ‘let’ (sounds quite controlling) the girl live with her dad? She’s 14 - if it went to court her opinion would be listened to.

Kids have a right to see both parents. You are having some issues, let her go. She won’t thank you for holding her back.

How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot and he ‘dictated’ when you could see your child and if you would give ‘permission’? She’s not your child, she’s a product of both of you.

Oblomov18 · 23/03/2018 11:45

I went to live with my dad. I was a total daddy's girl. I don't see how you can fight this.

What are you hoping to achieve here? That she changes her mind and wants to live with you? But that's not going to happen, is it?

Just be there. She'll come back, eventually, emotionally.

Guest275 · 20/11/2018 21:03

Any update on this? What did you do?

Magicmama92 · 01/11/2019 18:32

Aw I can imagine how hurt you are. I'd let her go or she will end up resenting you and it could damage your relationship. She may realise it's not what she imagined once shes there anyway maybe trial it with her as a compromise. Just make it clear you love her and shes always welcome and can ring whenever. Try not to be sad sometimes you have to do what hurts and trust they come back xx

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