12 year old son hates me

[Shnibble]

I'm desperately looking for some hope for my relationship with my child. My son has been very difficult over past few months. He's argumentative, rude, disrespectful towards me. His father and I split up a decade ago and it's been just us. He saw his father weekly when he could. Our relationship has always been great and very close. But lately he's been quite nasty. He's moved to his dad's and refuses to talk to me or meet me. Blames me for being too protective, the split up with his dad and accusing me of keeping them apart. Truth is his dad only wanted to see him when it was convenient for him. He's dad now wants him full time because he is old enough not to have his life interfered with too much with having to watch him all the time. His dad has made it clear he resents me because I kept the house on and he can't now get a mortgage, also because my family and I are close and he isn't to either of his parents. He's also made it clear he sees our son as a money machine for benefits and maintenance. He has filled my sons head with so many lies about me and my son believes it all. I don't know what to do without him. He was my reason to work hard and be happy and motivated. Without him, I can't cope.

Sounds awful op. All you can do I suppose is keep trying , offering to meet etc. Has he had to change schools?

That sounds so hard OP.

Ah this must be so hard for you, I remember when my boys were teenagers as a single mum I had some very tough times with them. Twice I had a big argument with one of them and off he went to live with his dad, he lasted about 6 weeks both times. He soon realised the grass was not greener and how selfish his dad was (sounds very much like your ex!), there were no nice meals cooked, no washing, no ironing done, left on his own a lot. No trips out together, no great father and son bonding that he wanted/expected. You cant stop him going but from what you have said I expect he will not be gone long. Tell him you wish he wasnt going, that he will always have a home with you Im sure he will realise what a waste of space his Dad is and be back. I remember how upsetting this is, big hugs let us know how things are xx

Whether parents have split up or not kids of this age can be very challenging in their push for independence and pushing us out of the way and pushing all our buttons. I am sure my DS would have been off in a heart beat if DH and I had split up. They all try the usual answering back, being cheeky, disrespect etc etc.
Sorry this has happened to you OP 💐
As said hang on in their try and give him a little space, keep communication channels open, let him know you love him and is always welcome back and hope he sees the light sooner or later. All of which I am sure you are already doing.

I’m sorry OP. It would be nice for you if you could treat yourself a bit e.g spa day, mini break, night out with friends to help you get a sense of yourself as you and not just as mum.
The best you can do is to keep channels of communication open, be warm and friendly and be there if he needs you.

You need to look up parental alienation, this may help:

www.cafcass.gov.uk/grown-ups/parents-and-carers/divorce-and-separation/parental-alienation/

Teens can be v hard op . Difficult though it is, you have to try and take a step back, remind yourself that although none of us patents do everything right all the time, you have done everything you could for your son in very difficult circumstances. He will come to appreciate this eventually, even though he can't see it now. And even though he finds boundaries restrictive now, he will come to see that they were put in place for his own good. Play the long game. Be loving and consistent towards your son, let him have his head, don't be too anxious to contradict all the rubbish he comes out with that your ex has fed him, just smile and say "I see" or "oh yes?". Repeat that you were being protective because you love him! (All teens need reminding of this often because they have a tendency to perceive everything as a personal attack.) He'll come around when he matures a bit.

Hi I have just read this and wondered how it all went with your son ! I’m
In bits as exactly the same has happened ! I left my ex 7 years ago and all of a sudden my son goes to him as he didn’t like rules at my home and now hates me as his dad has filled his head with rubbish and stuff he shouldn’t even know ! He blocked my number etc never wants to see me ! Very nasty to my other children ! It’s like my ex has never got over me and is using our son as a weapon ! I don’t want to fight in court as my son wants to live there and I feel he’s old enough but I want To still have my son in my life

Hi there. I was reading your post as the same thing has happened in our household just before the lockdown. My son who is 12 suddenly decided out of nowhere he wanted to go and live with his father. There had been a steady decline in his behaviour and attitude towards myself my partner and my younger son but we didn't expect this. We have not seen him for 4 weeks and he is refusing contact of any kind. He will not reply to my messages and is basically stating that we have made his life miserable. Which is not the case. He was always close to his father and I knew this would come one day but not at 12 years old and not the way he has gone about it. It's really hard to cope with and I wanted you to know you're not on your own. I feel like I've lost a part of me and my son doesn't care about how I am feeling. Take care.

Is anyone still going through this that can help? I’m in the same situation my 12 year old sons father told me he was going to live with him almost a year ago. Denied all (despite a residency order in my favour) and my son has blocked me on the phone. I’ve seen him once since the Autumn I am going out of my mind and need to talk to someone who understands

Hi, is anyone still going through this or have any advice on past experiences. I am going through the same thing it’s been five weeks now since I’ve seen my son, he refuses to come home says he doesn’t want to it’s his choice of where he stays. I am absolutely heartbroken we’ve always been so close , to the point where he would cry if he didn’t see me for a week, sleep in my bed and wear my dressing gown and used to say he didn’t like it over his dads (we’ve been separated 7years) The reason it all started is because he got into some trouble with some friends (police involved) and I told him off for it whilst he was at his dads and he’s never been home since. He doesn’t reply to my texts anymore and when he did it was blunt and he just basically said he isn’t coming home and doesn’t know when. He has an older sister who he sees at school but doesn’t speak to now or acknowledge very much. May I point out his dad isn’t the nicest of people and will be loving the control of this whole situation now.

So sorry to read this. How old is he?

Not got any advice but there is some helpful on this thread.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/teenagers/4508191-14-year-old-daughter-moved-out

He’s 12 in 2 weeks time 😔

Thankyou I’ll have a read.

Hi ljaynex
pm me :)
been through this since son was 12 now 14 - sending love x

Hello, can I firstly say how sorry I am that you are going through this. You are not alone. My son decided to take his father's side after 5 years of seperation when he was 12. Like you his behaviour declined and he saw me as the enemy. I appreciate fully how hard this is for you and all I can tell you is that it is NOT your fault. The best Mums have suffered this. You have every right to feel lost and angry and anything else in between. But having been there, please do not let this rule you. For reasons you will never understand your son believes he is in the best place. So let him be there. Let him know you're always there and that you love him and then as hard as it is, let him be. You have a right to be happy and not ruled by his actions or that of your ex partner. Time will sort all of this out, I am certain of it. So love your life. Let your ex play mind games because your son will grow up and see the world differently eventually. Sending you all the best.

Hi I know your post was in 2018 but I really hope things have improved for you. I'm going through something similar with my 12year old atm and just looked it up on Google and got seen your post. Your post has helped me feel less alone and I thought it was important to let you know that. Thankyou

Hello hun
I am sorry to hear you're going through a similar situation. Sadly there are more of us than you would ever imagine. I am always here for a message, please know that it's not your fault. The best mums have had to ensure this and its so unfair. My son has just turned 16 and still things are no better. However I keep the lines of communication open to him in the hope that when he matures he will understand that sides never needed to be taken..one parent has manipulated their young minds and I honestly think it should be a criminal offence. But please keep the faith. Remember you have the right to be happy as well and you are important!

Thankyou so much for getting back to me. I'm sorry to hear things haven't improved but I think you sound like a brilliant mum and keep doing what you are doing! I'm really struggling I guess it's all really heartbreaking as my ex husband told me he would turn both my kids against me if I left and it has started within this year that I've left my youngest is only 4 but im bracing myself as he's gonna be next on my ex husbands plan. I have no family around long story but honestly posts like yours really are helping me to realise I'm not the only one. I feel less alone x

I am so genuinely sorry you're going through this. I also have a younger son who has just turned 11. He is a completely different personality and I am sure you're youngest will be OK. All I can suggest is firm boundaries now with regards to your younger son. You're in charge of him for want of a better way of putting it and also, now your ex has the son living with him you may find the level of interest in your youngest dwindles. My ex does the bare minimum so that he still looks like father of the year. Yet everyone who know him and us cannot believe what he has done to the eldest. Sadly they pick on the easiest target. Keep focused on your youngest as I am sure you will notice a change in him for the better now that you're not battling the older child and the father. It's very hard, I won't lie. Birthdays, Christmas all of that is difficult but please remember it's not you. Effectively your ex has abused your son emotionally to a point where he is brainwashed. You can only hope that time will undo what has happened. Focus on your little one. The only positive is that you'll have more time for them and a better relationship with them. Feel free to message anytime.

That has given me a lot of reassurance and it also makes total sense too my oldest has a soft personality my youngest takes no messing. I was never really one for speaking to anyone online I don't even have Facebook lol but honestly it's people like yourself sharing your own experiences that helps. Thankyou 😘

Oh wow I could have written some of these posts! I have three children (two boys and a girl… 14, nearly 11 and 9). My eldest has gone to his dads 5 weeks ago after I had to call the police because he was abusing his siblings (and me) and begging me to send him to his dads. His dad didn’t want him full time but was telling me how to parent since March this year. Our eldest is a complex young man and we had him referred for an ASD assessment last year. My ex strongly denied ASD at first but since March has now unofficially diagnosed him with PDA and removed all rules, boundaries and consequences. Since this time home life has spiralled out of control…

he’s now at his dads, refusing to come home (and tbh with the younger two it’s probably not safe if he did). He’s disengaged from camhs and we have a tier 3 family support service in place. Ex partner was always and continues to be abusive (hence why I ended our relationship 6 years ago). My eldest is quite vulnerable and has always been told by ex that I kicked daddy out. I strongly feel that ex has effectively brain washed him but now is having to step up and parent him because eldest didn’t want to be here. He does not answer my texts and I saw him yesterday and he said he hates me and just wants to be with his dad.

ex says I created the whole situation when all I’ve been trying to do is have some semblance of a routine… school, be nice to siblings and don’t stay up all night. Pretty normal stuff tbh but ex says I’m too harsh and need to adopt a best mate style of parenting with our child like he has because he knows how to get the best out of him. Well guess what, after an initial honeymoon period, our eldest is not doing well. He is anxious, won’t leave his dads flat, refused school and won’t work with any professionals. It’s just a mess.

I.am.so sorry to hear you're going through a very similar situation to myself. My sons father adopts the same attitude towards parenting which is basically let them do what they want because then they'll be your best mate. Sadly it has the opposite effect as children need rules and boundaries to grow into decent adults. I've said it before but I'll say it again because you need to know that this is not your fault. Sounds to me like the father has been brain washing your eldest since the breakdown of the relationship.....same happened here. Your other children as sad as it is will be netter off with him.gone. they will have your focus and attention and room to thrive without their brother and how his behaviour impacts everyone. I feel so sad for you, I know exactly what this feels like but you will get to a place where you accept it and realise that it's best for everyone. Your son thinks he's where he wants to be right now. So let him crack on. His father is going to realise its not easy, not that he will ever admit it to you.
Whenever I see posts like this even now i can't believe that this is happening to so many good Mums. You have done all you can. Stay strong and know you are not alone or going mad! Take care

Thank you so much Emma! I’m so sorry you’re also going through this.. it really is truely horrendous. I spoke to my cousin and she said he ex did the same and their son was wildly out of control. How are things for you now? I totally agree with the brainwashing… they often pick the most vulnerable target and because my eldest feeds his ego (the other two are much more astute) I feel like the ex has effectively groomed him against me. my sons attachment to him has always been insecure, with a strong drive to get to daddy’s, wanting more time with him, being jealous of his siblings etc. towards the end of last year and early this year our middle child was playing football (ex is obsessed with football), at this time he ploughed all of his attention into our middle child and was training him so hard (5 days a week) that he started to develop emotional problems. Middle child said he didn’t want to play football anymore then all of a sudden ex’s attention was obsessively focussed on our eldest and his ASD. Now I have a child who was previously developing some really good independence skills, effectively disabled. It’s heartbreaking. He is also a teenager and I know it’s a difficult time. I’m not a perfect parent but I know I’m healthy, kind, consistent and try my best.

My other two children are not having overnights with their dad at the moment. I stopped a few weeks ago because after the police incident my ex continued to leave our nearly 11 year old at home alone with our eldest. Our eldest was being aggressive towards him and I said it wasn’t safe. Ex told me I was overreacting and being manipulative. The family worker has told my ex that under no circumstances should the younger children be left at home with our eldest. She also advised me that I may need to go to court. My younger two (after a bumpy first couple of weeks) are now absolutely thriving at home. They are happy and content and it’s seems reduced contact is much better for them (not sure if this is down to having less time with my eldest child or their dad or perhaps both). They told the worker they don’t want to stay there overnight and just like being at home.

ex is vile. He wanted our eldest to come back for three days so he could go on holiday with his girlfriend saying he needs a break. After Sundays attempt to spend time with my son resulting in absolute disaster I’ve said that he can’t come back for the three days (eldest is also refusing). So he’s had to ask his mum and sister to stay with him. Ex has also stopped paying any maintenance at all since our eldest went to him. We have a family holiday booked for the end of august and I’m now having to cancel my eldests place because he doesn’t want to come and it’s not safe to take him away. I’ve just got to let this thing ride out now and let my eldest stay there… he knows that his dad is pushing for him to come home but what ex can’t seem to fathom is that his actions towards our child (eg letting him do what he likes) have fed into a situation where he now has full time care which he doesn’t want! However ex says it’s all my fault and he’s having to pick up the pieces for mine and my sons broken relationship. He is a truely abusive man and this extends to the children, ultimately to try and gain control over me.

ex doesn’t like that I’ve gone back to uni to study for my doctorate and has now become a wonky psychologist to try and outdo me I think because he feels so threatened. He is so dangerous.

sorry I’ve rambled on. I hope you’re ok.. these situations really are awful

Ex also sent a really long articulately written email which says that I’m a neglectful mother, look upon his ideas with disdain, haven’t contributed financially to my children (he was paying 450 a month for 3 kids - I work in a trainee post with the NHS/university and have a full time wage) and I’m psychologically abusing him and have done for years (because I said I thought some of his views on how I should parent our eldest were absurd in a school meeting when he told me I should let my son choose where we go for my birthday and decide who picks us up from the airport). I mean how much power and control is he giving to a (then) 13 year old boy?! It feels horrible

Sorry for the delay in replying. All I can tell you is this is so similar to my situation. Ex wanted son to have all the power, decision making etc but he was never mature enough to do so. So what happened is he saw me as the controlling parent for setting boundaries for him. Ultimately I think they want the parents back together and do not understand that there is such a bigger picture than that. Yours sounds controlling also which makes it even harder as you cannot negotiate with someone like that. What gets me is that there is no normal person on the planet that thinks it healthy to keep a child from their mother (or father for that matter) so why encourage that mentality. I do hope things get better for you and as I said before focus on your other children and you. You deserve happiness and stability as well and just try and understand that your son doesn't really understand the consequences of what he is doing, not that it helps at all in reality but you're doing a good job. You weren't a bad mother when you were together so how can you be one now? If anything I would bet you're a better one because you are not dealing with all the drama.