12 year old son hates me

[Shnibble]

I'm desperately looking for some hope for my relationship with my child. My son has been very difficult over past few months. He's argumentative, rude, disrespectful towards me. His father and I split up a decade ago and it's been just us. He saw his father weekly when he could. Our relationship has always been great and very close. But lately he's been quite nasty. He's moved to his dad's and refuses to talk to me or meet me. Blames me for being too protective, the split up with his dad and accusing me of keeping them apart. Truth is his dad only wanted to see him when it was convenient for him. He's dad now wants him full time because he is old enough not to have his life interfered with too much with having to watch him all the time. His dad has made it clear he resents me because I kept the house on and he can't now get a mortgage, also because my family and I are close and he isn't to either of his parents. He's also made it clear he sees our son as a money machine for benefits and maintenance. He has filled my sons head with so many lies about me and my son believes it all. I don't know what to do without him. He was my reason to work hard and be happy and motivated. Without him, I can't cope.

Hi again. Ah don’t worry I know how busy life is! And yes it sounds so similar.. the level of control my ex expects me to hand to my child under the guise of PDA (which he may have traits of but there is a wider family context of control and domestic abuse perpetrated by my ex partner). My son became completely abusive and unsafe and I want him to have the right support (hence why I raised potential autism last year). My eldest has always wanted me and my ex back together and has struggled a lot in parts with change and also being bullied at school (which breaks my heart).
i cannot communicate with my ex.. it’s so bad for my mental health!!! And he’s not asked me about seeing the little ones this week but told our daughter he wants her to stay. Knowing that she’s told the family worker she doesn’t want to at the moment I think that puts unnecessary stress and responsibility on her shoulders and he should be asking me about suitable times so we can make arrangements.
my eldest hasn’t responded to any of my messages and won’t answer the phone to me but I send messages anyway. He’s a young teenager and really must be quite confused about life in general tbh but probably prefers it there as he can do as he pleases and doesn’t have to deal with younger siblings. I think I’m a pretty good mum by all accounts, not perfect but I try my best and single parented all three children for 6 years and was doing ok!
ex is quiet at the moment. He’s just been away with his girlfriend so is probably happy for a bit but I know he’ll start again soon. I need some child support so I can buy school uniforms (he hasn’t paid anything for two months now) but I don’t want to contact him because it’s too stressful.

i hope you’re ok.. how is your situation now?

Your child does not hate you. At the moment, he just doesn't know any better. For now, his dad is a cooler and a more convenient parent. But give it time, and the facade will wear off.

Thank you. That’s reassuring.. my son won’t respond to me at the moment. The ex is kicking off again saying if I don’t take our son home 2-3 days a week then he will need to look at putting him into the care system for respite! Not sure if quite works like that! At the moment my son doesn’t want to come home and wants to be at his dads. Genuinely stumped as to what I can do.

Hi there, the reality of dealing with an emotionally abusive and narcassistic ex husband is that they will stop at nothing to try and control you. The recent installment this end is that I have been refused knowledge of my son's GSCE results. Father will not disclose them, school are no help at all. He told my younger son that the results are on the school app - they are not. I would not be asking for them if I had access to them! There is no harm at all in me wanting to know how he has got on, but both he and Father will not let me know the outcome. My son is now 16 years old and thinks that this is acceptable behaviour. Whilst I am now mostly numb to it, the issue is that the longer they stay with this type of unsafe parent, the more they emulate the behaviour. I hope you manage to sort things out with your son, he needs his Mum but just doesnt realise it yet.

Hi guys I'm glad I found this thread as I'm going through the same thing with my 15 year old, behaviour and attitude had worsen since getting a gf, breaking things, punching holes in walls, speaking to me like shit, complete contempt towards me, nasty to his siblings. His dad my ex is amazing, buying 200 pounds trainners etc according to ds. He stormed out after I put suncream on a sunburnt he got whilst on holiday with his dad I made him in pain. He now wants to live with his dad and his dad blames me, he's not acting like that with them. Ds now knows he can do what he wants or he can just go to his dad's.

Looks like I've found my tribe on this thread 😞

DS is 19 and DD is 9. Ex left when he was 12 and told him things like he would kill himself if DS didn't help him get us back together. Obviously things and time have moved on but I don't think DS has moved on from that trauma, he needs professional help and over the years CAMHS, social services and the police were involved. Ex minimised it all.

Late last year DS kicked my door in, so was removed by the police. He had to go and live with his dad, and sent me a heartbreaking message telling me what a terrible mother I was. I haven't heard from him since and ex refuses to talk about him other than to tell me he's doing great.

I'm worried and very vigilant about him doing to the same to DD as he has already started telling her what a rotten mother I am (DS also does.)

I miss DS and sometimes want to reach out to him but I'm scared I'll get more abuse back. The narrative at ex's house (from what DD tells me) is that it's all my fault and that I kicked DS out.

I am so sorry to hear this. Its happening far too often with far too many Mums. The system is not geared up for any of this either so its a struggle to get any help. I feel for you. I reach out to my son on occasion and still send birthday cards, xmas cards etc. My thought process is that he cannot say I have not tried. Its the Father and he himself who are not trying. And of course your DS is well behaved at his Fathers - he is not going to say otherwise when the truth is more likely that he is just the same but the Ex tolerates it. My advice for what it is worth, is keep notes of anything of concern with regards to your daughter. My youngest who is 11 knows that the situation is not right but is thankfully able to articulate himself if he has concerns. Its documenting the behaviour that is important. Him telling her its all your fault is abuse, plain and simple, he is trying to control the narrative. One technique I use is to discuss it with my son, but not in great detail and I always say things like, there are two sides to every story and encourage him to draw his own conclusions. Empower them to understand what is right and wrong in their own eyes. Its so hard and I feel for you. And yes you have your tribe here. Take care and please remember that this is NOT your fault.

Ah I’m so sad to read these posts.. it seems there’s quite a few of us going through this and it’s so traumatic. As if it wasn’t hard enough to get away from these partners and protect our children we then end up in an even bigger hell further down the line. I haven’t posted for a couple of months as I’ve been so busy and we had a Family Solutions team doing an assessment. Turns out they can’t help us but the assessment process was so awful, completely lacking in any compassion, communication and empathy and aspects of my personal information have been disclosed to my ex partner. My younger two haven’t stayed with their dad for 3 months and my eldest remains there.

A couple of weeks ago me and my eldest had a lovely time together out for a McDonald’s and he actually started texting me. But he’s completely closed down again now and since the assessment, the ex partner has completely gone into full abuse towards me again. He’s now saying he wants the younger two more often but says he’ll leave them at home with eldest as it’s safe (my eldest hit my middle one over the head with a hammer in the summer and threatened to poison the dog). I’ve said we can do an overnight but he needs to confirm he won’t leave them alone. He’s now pushing for shared care (like so he doesn’t have to pay any maintenance whatsoever) and would quite happily see me crushed to a pulp.

Just realised that I’ve been dealing with this awful man for 18 years of my life and it made me so sad. I feel so awful for having a family with him and bad for my children that he is their dad. They love him (of course they do) but he’s so manipulative and uses them as pawns to feed his ego. He’s gone from being distant and selfish about the kids to now being super dad and trying to make me look like an absolute head case. I know he’s angry because the report makes reference to domestic abuse and he’s been called out on some of his behaviour so I’m now experiencing a backlash. It makes me so sad that such evil people walk amongst us and cause so much damage. I’m not perfect of course but I just can’t quite weigh up that he’s influenced nearly half of my life and is the father of my lovely children. I almost feel angry at my eldest now and feel like walking away from him completely, which I won’t do, but he’s living the life of riley over there, no rules, boundaries etc and I’m s scared I’m going to lose my younger two as well. I think I’m a sane and rational person (despite my trauma) but these people make you feel so crazy.

I am having this too my 12 year old started playing up being really rude and disrespectful so I would remove his phone and ground him he wouldn’t listen to me so left and went to his dad , i miss him so much and so does his little sister it’s been 4 weeks now . My friend said ride it out her boy took 8 weeks but we have always been so close

My lads dad takes him out for bike rides to the beach etc treats him so much more then he ever has so I’m worried my boy won’t come home , he is doing up his room let’s him have his mates
over
and no consequences for Mis behaving at school etc I miss
my boy

I cry my self to sleep and cry when I open my eyes my hurt is breaking but we have to stay strong the kids are manipulating us they don’t care about our feelings they are being selfish if they are happy then they can’t see our sadness apparently they are still developing their empathy around our feelings , my son called me a cunt and is refusing to come on holiday this came out of no where I know I baby him as he is my baby I know I need to let him grow up but I don’t know where all this hate for me has come from I’ve always put all my kids before anything

My son does see me as and when he feels like it now it’s so sad he’s now 15and a half ! Now my ex husband has taken me to Cms for maintaince even tho my son texts me when he needs money ! U know why !!! It’s to remind me he’s stil in my life !!!! It’s a control I hate how 12 years later he’s still out to ruin my life and has ruined my son !!!!

I totally feel your pain, I really do. I have not spoken to my son since he was 12, he is now 16. His father will NOT encourage any form of contact because its his way of being able to continue to emotionally abuse me via lack of contact with my son. Recently he got his GCSE results and refused to let me know what they were! I had to ask the school (long fought battle that was) who eventually let me know as his educational record is still my right until he is 18. Its beyond me how the other parent can allow this kind of behaviour. My younger son who is 11, does not understand how his brother can act this way and I certainly cannot explain it. Sounds like your ex is very similar. I would go as far as to say its an illness. How would they like it if the tables were turned? My ex would have curled up and died if his children refused to see him. Funnily enough, he lost his Mother (who was of a similar nature) about a year ago and he had a very strained relationship with her. But stood at her funeral (I know because I am still best friends with my sister in law) and told everyone how much he loved her and how she lived for her grandchildren - with respect she had not seen my youngest for years and had not met one of the sister in laws kids. Sorry for digressing but my point is that it seems to me, these parents are happy to subject their own children to the same fate they had. History keeps repeating itself. Dont get me wrong I know children of this age are fundamentally selfish, but that does not excuse it either. My youngest is honestly the most level headed, mature and compassionate little man and thank goodness he is not like his brother! I know I said this before, but please remember this isnt anything you did wrong, its abuse of the worst kind and I am so sorry you are going through it too. xx