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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

To tell school or not?

67 replies

uncharacteristichose · 16/02/2018 00:09

Hello! So my DD(15) is homeschooled, but went to primary school and is still in contact with friends from there. A boy, let's call him David, recently contacted her asking to meet up. DD didn't really know him well, but went to school together for 9 years and didn't want to say no so agreed.

He asked for DDs Snapchat, and then asked her 'have you sent nudes' and 'have you ever given a blowjob'. DD, not making the best decision, ignored it and kept talking to him, David then asked to show her something, and after DD said yes not knowing what 'something' was, sent a naked picture. After that DD just ignored him and eventually blocked his Snapchat.

A few days ago he started to message DD again and wouldn't stop, e.g. 'stop ignoring me' 'please' 'reply' 'this is why I have trust issues'. DD replied saying he was being crazy and to leave her alone. David then asked for naked pictures of her in exchange for leaving her alone. DD kept telling him no but he wouldn't take it for an answer. E.g. DD - 'no. please stop asking me about it, nothing you say would make me do it' David - 'ok just send me a picture of your naked breasts and I'll never message you again'.

DD doesn't want me to tell his school as he would get in trouble, and she has no proof he sent her nude pictures as it was on Snapchat. She does have pictures of all the messages. I'm conflicted because that's a really awful thing for him to believe is acceptable but I don't want to make anything worse. Apparently this happens a lot (!) to DD and friends but he really wouldn't leave her alone and repeatedly asked her for naked pictures.

I know David's mother, but she's always been of the view that David can do nothing wrong and wouldn't react well at all. I really don't want to leave it, but also don't know what the right thing to do is? :/

I know DD shouldn't have continued talking to him, but what's happened has happened and I don't know what the right thing to do now is! I feel if I leave it he will think this has no consequences and is absolutely fine, when it's not.

OP posts:
IlikemyTeahot · 16/02/2018 00:14

I'd tell his mum first (only fair) then straight to the school

AlexanderHamilton · 16/02/2018 00:25

What he has done is illegal & the school should be informed although my ds’s school would advise going to the police.

foreverondiet · 16/02/2018 07:38

I'd tell his mum but only summary version; please ask your son to stop harassing DD on social media. If it continues will be going to school and perhaps police as well.

Can't she block him?

sparklepops123 · 16/02/2018 07:45

You need to tell his mum and maybe say something along the lines of - if it happens again you’ll contact school, so it might push her into doing something because I’m sure that’s the last thing she wants. You need to tell somebody either way though next time it might be a more gullible young girl. He needs a kick up his arse

NovemberWitch · 16/02/2018 07:50

I’d tell his mum, but as she’s a difficult parent, I’d wrap it up in a show of concern for him. If the only thing she cares about is her DS, make it about him. Lie and pretend you care about his actions and the consequences for him. Tell her what’s been going on, back it up with evidence and say that although he probably doesn’t understand how scary, inappropriate and illegal it is, that you need him to stop right now.
Otherwise you will have to contact the school and the police to protect your daughter. Which would be very harmful for him and his future, but you would have no other option.
This doesn’t prevent you contacting the school as well, or the police.

Quadrangle · 16/02/2018 08:07

Thank goodness your dd didn't give in to him. It could have been spread all over the place

NorthernSpirit · 16/02/2018 08:31

This is terrible and thank goodness your daughter is a sensible girl. His actions are completely out of order and illegal and I’m sure your daughter isn’t the first or last girl he’ll pray on.

I would inform the mother of the boy and his school. You can’t be sure she’s tackle it and I think you have a duty to protect other girls. He sounds out of hand and this needs to be addressed.

Hope your daughter is ok.

DunedinGirl · 16/02/2018 08:58

Stuff telling the school and/or the mother. I'd be talking to the police. I'd hate to think how many girls he might be doing this to. It is nasty, predatorial behaviour.

DunedinGirl · 16/02/2018 08:58

Stuff telling the school and/or the mother. I'd be talking to the police. I'd hate to think how many girls he might be doing this to. It is nasty, predatorial behaviour.

Qcumber · 16/02/2018 09:32

Don't know why people are being so soft on him. His behaviour is completely disgusting. And at 15 he is absolutely old enough to know that. He isn't 10.
I would contact his mum and the school. I wouldn't sugar coat it. I'd tell them exactly what happened and show them proof.
Your poor DD. Let's hope the other girls he speaks to are as sensible.

flumpybear · 16/02/2018 09:42

How awful! Make sure you explain to you r daughter that even if it's snapchat there are ways people can still take an image of it (not tech minded but her heard of this) so it could be on the net forever if she did do something daft like 'trust' him

Essentially he's blackmailing her by saying I'll stop abusing you if you send me illegal pictures - he's lucky you've not called the police !i would if it was my child - how many others is he trying this on with?

MrsDilber · 16/02/2018 09:59

That's horrible. I couldn't make out if DD did send a naked picture or the boy sent one to her?

youarenotkiddingme · 16/02/2018 10:17

I'd go to Mum. Although I know parents like this who will make a million and 1 excuses.

I'd just dress it up nicely as concern. I'd also don't via text as there's a record of the conversation.

"David has been sending dd nude pictures. I'm sure you know this is a criminal offence as both under 18. Dd has blocked him but you need to explain to him the legalities of what he's doing as someone else may report to the police immediately"

That way if she chooses not to stop she's been warned of the consequences of her ds behaviour and it's all on her - the police will not accept excuses or be brainwashed into believing it's innocent.

yawning801 · 16/02/2018 10:22

Make sure your DD takes screenshots of the conversation if she still can.

PrincessHairyMclary · 16/02/2018 10:29

Absolutely tell the schools, they'll get the pastoral team to talk to him and possibly the PCSO if the school has one. Unfortunately it's not a rare issue in Secondary schools and it has been known for the police to confiscate and destroy phones of those who repeatedly offend.

It is very serious, it's very likely he'll target other girls, often it's the vulnerable ones who may well send him the picture he wants.

Princessdebthe1st · 16/02/2018 10:34

Dear OP, I cannot tell you how serious this is. Just to be clear he is trying to groom your DD and solicit images of child sexual abuse. Had your DD sent him those pictures she would have committed the offence of making and distributing images of child sexual abuse. To safeguard both your DD, other children who he might be doing this to and the boy himself you need to inform the school or the police. I would not approach the mother.

Qcumber · 16/02/2018 11:01

There's no need to 'dress it up as concern'. You are not concerned for this boy and shouldn't be. He's a disgusting predator who knows exactly what he's doing. Promising to stop harassing a girl if she sends him nude pictures is despicable. The only person you should be concerned for is your DD. There will be other girls he is doing this to, some of whom may be vulnerable as PP have pointed out.
It's illegal and the relevant authorities should be involved. Who cares what his mother thinks, she should be ashamed of her son.

ocelot41 · 16/02/2018 11:05

Straight to school - they will know how best to handle this. It will be hard for the boys DM to digest this and she may need support to accept and confront what is going on. You are not trained to do this - leave it to the professionals

Original poster
uncharacteristichose · 16/02/2018 12:18

Thank you for all the advice!! I think I'll contact his mum and let her know, id definitely want to be told if it were me. Then go to the school, give them proof if they ask (luckily DD took screenshots as it was happening!) and let them deal with it.

It was a bit of a shock because I've known the boy since he was a baby, but I would feel awful if he did it to another girl, so this needs to be tackled now.

And to clear it up, DD did not send him a picture, he sent her one! Very proud of her as she's been preyed on before by an older person online, that went to the police and got sorted out very quickly, so I'm glad she's being more resilient and telling me now.

And thank you all, DD seems to be okay! Just understandable angry at the boy and wants him to know what what he did was definitely not okay.

OP posts:
italiancortado · 16/02/2018 12:26

Had your DD sent him those pictures she would have committed the offence of making and distributing images of child sexual abuse.

How does a 15yo sending a naked picture to a peer translate to making images of child sexual abuse?

I know this is not the case here, thankfully the OPDD sent nothing, but I'm interested to know all the same where the child sex abuse part comes from?

GiraffesCantDoMentalArithmetic · 16/02/2018 12:32

italiancortado in the UK a child taking a nude selfie and sending it to someone else would be making and distributing an indecent image of a child. This is illegal. Not sure if the police would bother pursuing it unless there were other complicating factors though.

Personally, I am glad it is an offence, as it gives the police an "excuse" to be involved.

YorkieDorkie · 16/02/2018 13:05

Absolutely inform the school. He could land himself on the sex offenders register if this continues. I'd be seriously worried about his attitude to women in future.

NorthernSpirit · 16/02/2018 13:06

@ItalianCortado - yes it is illegal in the UK for a child to take and send explicit photos of themselves.

www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/keeping-children-safe/sexting/

Iluvthe80s · 16/02/2018 13:10

OP glad your DD is ok. Sounds like has sensible head on her shoulders.

I agree with Qcumber-I would tell the mother-as you know her, but not dress it up in any way. It is your daughter who has been put in an awful situation here-not the son. I say this as a mother of a 15 year old son and younger daughter. If my son did something like that I would be grateful for being told and would want it dealing with properly!

Wallywobbles · 16/02/2018 13:15

Don't expect anything good to come out of telling the mother. It'll get turned against your DD. Just tell the police.

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