To tell school or not?

[uncharacteristichose]

Hello! So my DD(15) is homeschooled, but went to primary school and is still in contact with friends from there. A boy, let's call him David, recently contacted her asking to meet up. DD didn't really know him well, but went to school together for 9 years and didn't want to say no so agreed.

He asked for DDs Snapchat, and then asked her 'have you sent nudes' and 'have you ever given a blowjob'. DD, not making the best decision, ignored it and kept talking to him, David then asked to show her something, and after DD said yes not knowing what 'something' was, sent a naked picture. After that DD just ignored him and eventually blocked his Snapchat.

A few days ago he started to message DD again and wouldn't stop, e.g. 'stop ignoring me' 'please' 'reply' 'this is why I have trust issues'. DD replied saying he was being crazy and to leave her alone. David then asked for naked pictures of her in exchange for leaving her alone. DD kept telling him no but he wouldn't take it for an answer. E.g. DD - 'no. please stop asking me about it, nothing you say would make me do it' David - 'ok just send me a picture of your naked breasts and I'll never message you again'.

DD doesn't want me to tell his school as he would get in trouble, and she has no proof he sent her nude pictures as it was on Snapchat. She does have pictures of all the messages. I'm conflicted because that's a really awful thing for him to believe is acceptable but I don't want to make anything worse. Apparently this happens a lot (!) to DD and friends but he really wouldn't leave her alone and repeatedly asked her for naked pictures.

I know David's mother, but she's always been of the view that David can do nothing wrong and wouldn't react well at all. I really don't want to leave it, but also don't know what the right thing to do is? :/

I know DD shouldn't have continued talking to him, but what's happened has happened and I don't know what the right thing to do now is! I feel if I leave it he will think this has no consequences and is absolutely fine, when it's not.

It was more the child abuse angle I was questioning

Just send the mother the screenshots? No disputing that and easier for her to tackle it with her son.

Then school- but really it is a police matter, as your DD does not go to his school.

I would contact the police. The police can then contact the school and his parents.

I understand your DD not wanting you to tell the school but she needs to see you demonstrate the proper way of dealing with this, which in my opinion, is straight to the police.

This boy has behaved really really badly. There is no excuse. I have a 17 year old son and I would be disgusted with him. I don't understand why you would only tell his mother. She clearly is not doing a great job with him so far. You would be silly to think she could deal with this alone. She needs the police and school involved too.

You have no idea who else he is harassing. He could do this to someone much more vulnerable than your DD.

I don't think it's fair to say your DD shouldn't have continued talking to him. She didn't do anything wrong. It was all him.

Oh OP you must be so proud of your sensible DD, and what a great relationship you must have for her to tell you about this. I hope my DDs feel they can come to me about this stuff when they are older.

I agree with the posters that say contact the police. He is 15, and all schools’ PSHE/ media coverage is about how this harassing behaviour is unacceptable.

I think we as a society minimise this behaviour too easily, and this is how boys/men like this get away with it. Simply blocking the number puts the pressure on your DD to avoid the illegal behaviour, like not walking home alone after dark. What this boy is doing is not just creepy, it’s illegal and who knows who else he is harassing or where this behaviour could lead to.

If his mother is of the ‘he can do no wrong’ camp, there is no point contacting her, even if you dress it up as concern for his criminal record. I would be contacting school AND possibly police, in writing and cc-ing in the other, so there is a paper trail, and both know someone else knows so they have to do something about it. And for all you know, this boy may be already known to professionals, and this may help them to intervene and help him. (I don’t want to demonise him, he’s only a child, and obviously just needs some help.)

I have a 14 year old DS and I would be mortified if he did anything like this...

Well done again to your DD, what a mighty girl!

I posted earlier but wanted to add, if this behaviour by the boy goes unchecked it will only get worse. I was in my late 30’s when a couple of men though it was appropriate to send ‘c@ck’ shots. It’s disgusting and had I known more about the law at the time I would have taken this further. It’s pretty disgusting to an older woman, never mind vulnerable young girl.

I’m inclined to say go straight to the police and let them deal with it. The mother may do nothing and the school have limited powers. Don’t let this boy get away with it and pray in someone not as sensible as your daughter.

And your daughter sounds like a really level headed girl.

Nothing to do with the school. They can’t sort out every single misbehaviour out of school.

Tell his mum or the police.

He is trafficking in child porn, and trying to get someone else to do it. That is what sending indecent images of minors is! He can be charged and convicted; it is criminal behaviour!

I would tell the school or the police, your call, so he and his mum can't 'hide' the problem, because he's probably done it other girls as well. There's never just 'one'. It needs to be stopped.

Thank goodness your DD came to you and didn't cave into his pressuring of her.

I think I was letting him off a bit before as he was always very shy and lovely when they were younger, but I think the internet has really given him the confidence to behave like this with 'no consequence'. I'll email the school and ask what they can do about it, and if they don't recommend to contact the police I'll do that independently.

Thank you, I am very proud of DD!! Shes recently been opening up more to me, I'm very lucky to have such a sensible girl! Glad she told me about this, it's awful to think about what could've happened if she'd given in, and that he could do this to other more vulnerable girls. Behaviour like this is really serious, hopefully being reprimanded this early will make him realise that it's not okay.

How does a 15yo sending a naked picture to a peer translate to making images of child sexual abuse?
I know this is not the case here, thankfully the OPDD sent nothing, but I'm interested to know all the same where the child sex abuse part comes from?
Any sexual image of a child being circulated is a crime. It doesn't matter who takes or sends the image.

We do PSHE lessons on sexting and sending sexual content and make thr law very clear to pupils. It worries me that for some of our y9 students sending sexual or suggestive images is nothing more than flirting.

She’s a real credit to you. Good luck.

tell the school and police

Good luck OP. You're setting a great example to your daughter that boys and men like this should not be able to get away with sexually harassing women.

Sadly this is becoming more and more common. The availability of extreme explicit porn online is giving some kids a warped view of how to behave towards the opposite sex. I have previously posted that schools are dealing with this on a regular basis.

Well done to your DD for talking to you about it.

Any sexual image of a child being circulated is a crime. It doesn't matter who takes or sends the image.

I know. That wasn't what I was asking. I was asking about the child abuse that was mentioned.

Don't expect anything good to come out of telling the mother. It'll get turned against your DD
I agree

Sadly could also see that happening, apparently his mother blames DD for giving him 'trust issues' because she didn't go out with him when they were 11... I'd rather stay out of that conversation. I assume the school would contact her anyway? Would they give DDs name? Although I imagine he will tell her to try and excuse his behaviour anyway!

Oh dear OP, take it to the school she sounds completely blind and deluded when it comes to her precious DS.

the school shouldn't tell them your DD's name, hopefully they will also report to the police, CPO and SS for this level of safeguarding

How is he still messaging your DD if he's blocked?

ragged DD blocked him on Snapchat as that was where he sent the nude, but then he messaged her on instagram instead, not sure whether to block on that as the messages are still there and that's proof they're real! Also probably has her number from primary so could contact her anyway.

ragged

It only takes minutes to open a new account

This has nothing at all to do with school! Deal with the parents or police and let the teachers get on with their real job.

uncharacteristichose

Print screen all messages and keep them on word or similar

Goingtostoprepeatingmyself

It has to do with the school due to his age and safeguarding

Italian, children can abuse other children. It is child abuse to send naked photos to a child & to co-erce a child to send naked photos of themselves.