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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

19DS won't go out, trying not to explode, at wits end

53 replies

Cleebope2 · 20/01/2018 22:46

Any realistic ideas on what to say or do to make DS 19 go out and socialise or get a part time job? He's in first year at uni studying computing, goes out once a month, rest of the time is stuck in his room on 4 devices at a time apparently 'studying' but is actually really shy and bored. Since he left school his friends have drifted away and he does not ever initiate anything. I feel so sad for him. He should be having the time of his life like his dad and I were at his age.

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joopy79 · 20/01/2018 22:53

I had a housemates like that, but he still had some lovely funny friends. He actually apologised in our second year that he spent so much time in his room. Having said that, not everyone likes going out and being sociable.

Wolfiefan · 20/01/2018 22:55

Why would you "explode"? Confused
Is he unhappy? Your post is about your expectations and what you want. Not about whether he is happy.

Original poster
Cleebope2 · 20/01/2018 22:56

Yes my son is lovely and funny with similar friends (that he doesn't see much of any more) . Do you think it's just a matter of maturity and he will come out if his shell? Or might he be socially odd? Did your flat mate turn out to be sort of normal in the end and get a girlfriend etc?!

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Wolfiefan · 20/01/2018 22:58

Odd or normal?
Wow.
How about you stop judging him in those terms?

LoniceraJaponica · 20/01/2018 23:01

Is he in student accommodation or still at home?

Everythingsr0sie · 20/01/2018 23:01

My DB was like that until his mid 20s and I know it worried my parents.

He is 37 now, married with 2 DCs and a good job, and is still not one for mates/going out!

My DS1 is like him and I can really see it heading the same way.

Unless he appears unhappy I'd leave your boy be, not everyone can be the life and soul of the party.

Inthishouse · 20/01/2018 23:04

It does sound quite sad that the only way you can perceive whether or not his life is successful is by comparing it to your own perceived successes and finding him wanting.
There are several issues here but whether or not you and his dad were sociable at that age is irrelevant.
Is he happy to spend time on his own?
Does he want to change anything?
Has his personality changed and do you think he is depressed or struggling with social anxiety?
Have you talked to him without judgement and expectation and found out what's going on for him at the moment?

As a separate issue, why are you going to 'explode'? That seems an odd reaction

Original poster
Cleebope2 · 20/01/2018 23:08

Maybe I am too judgy but can't stop worrying about him. He doesn't have to be the life and soul but he does need to get a life in my opinion yes. My parents and friends and even his wee sister find it odd that he hardly leaves his room. Bloody computers have stolen his life! If I have to wait till he's in his mid twenties I will crack up. He's living at home. I am trying to persuade him to find a flat for September. If I nag him a lot it may force him out! He needs to spend time with other people. Any ideas how to get him moving off the couch?

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SingaSong12 · 20/01/2018 23:09

Is he unhappy? Maybe he is socialising online. Does he have the chance to meet Uni friends or are are there issues such as transport at night?

If you want him to pay board ask that, how he gets that is up to him (? Student loan/PT job) but don't try to "make" him get a job.

Lucymek · 20/01/2018 23:10

Maybe he stays in his room as everyone else is so judgemental. I wouldn't blame him.

Wolfiefan · 20/01/2018 23:11

It's not your life! If he's unhappy then I would worry but if not you need to stay out of it.
"Get a life"? "Odd"? You are being very horrible and judgemental about your son.

SuperBeagle · 20/01/2018 23:11

Perhaps stop talking about your son as being "odd", or saying that he needs to "get a life".

Start living your own life, and stop focusing on how much your adult son is or isn't socialising.

Original poster
Cleebope2 · 20/01/2018 23:13

Of course I am worried that he's unhappy. I just want a happy healthy son like everyone else wants for their sons! I'm a nice mum, honest! I need advice on how to get him motivated.

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zzzzz · 20/01/2018 23:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Poppiesway1 · 20/01/2018 23:20

My 19yr old ds1 is exactly the same. He was at uni, just swapped course but that doesn’t start till sept so he’s literally 24/7 in his room. He comes out for food and to walk his dog. It drives me up the wall! He doesn’t even want to eat dinner with us.

He does socialise online with his friends (who are away at different units) and I can then hear him laughing and talking with them. (He’s talking to one of them now as I can hear him!) He’s a different person when he talks to them. But even when they’re home they all go to pub apart from ds... as he doesn’t like all the people in there, or alcohol. He’ll tolerate going to cinema with them though!

I feel sad that he doesn’t enjoy going out and has isolated himself in his room. His dad and I worked in a nightclub at his age and loved being out.. it just doesn’t appeal to him! I did wonder if he was depressed as he will just sit there and can be so moody, won’t talk to anyone really but his few friends, but dr said no, he just needs to talk to more people!! (Although he admits he does get anxious when in larger groups and the seminars at uni were too much for him - too many people to talk to)

HeadDreamer · 20/01/2018 23:21

If he is doing computing just let him be. That’s what most software geeks are like. Is he in halls or at home? Are you sure he is not gaming?

Does his degree have a placement year? If he is living at home, encourage him to find placement in a city close but not close enough to live at home. And pick a place with other placements. If you think he needs a bit of encouragement to spread his wings a bit?

Original poster
Cleebope2 · 20/01/2018 23:22

Limited, judgemental,, horrible, thanks for all the supportive advice. If anyone has a similar concern please let me know what worked or how your son gained more social confidence.

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Wolfiefan · 20/01/2018 23:24

Leave him alone and stop being so critical? If he's unhappy that's different but you don't seem to think he is.

Original poster
Cleebope2 · 20/01/2018 23:24

Poppies that sounds exactly what I'm talking about. Thank you for understanding so clearly .

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Original poster
Cleebope2 · 20/01/2018 23:26

Poppies I read your post again and you said dr says no. So did you talk to a doctor about it?

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Poppiesway1 · 20/01/2018 23:36

Yes I spoke to nurse practitioner and she referred me to GP. (His dad has history of mental health problems and it was worrying me that ds1 was heading by in same direction. But GP wasn’t worried at all. I guess he looks after himself in that he has good personal hygiene & walks the dog once a day so is not laying in bed all the time at least! Just the majority of it is infront of his PC.

personally I feel that it can’t be good to lock yourself away. A colleague said her son was like his and when he went to uni and it was the making of him. But it’s just not been like that for ds1.

NellMangel · 20/01/2018 23:37

I think it's totally normal to want the best for your children - and it's healthy to get out and meet new people and enjoy new experiences, especially aged 19. It's how we grow and mature. So I don't agree with people calling you judgemental etc.

No real advice though. Maybe he doesn't know where to start in the real world, a part time job would probably help him interact with people he wouldn't usually deal with and give him a bit of confidence.

Coolaschmoola · 20/01/2018 23:45

I teach 16-19 year olds, including computing students... My advice, based on my experience of teaching many teenage boys, is to say leave him be.

Not liking the things you do doesn't make him 'odd' or your lifestyle choices 'normal'. Neither is 'the right way' - they're just different, and, do you know what? That's ok!

He isn't unhappy. You are. But your way isn't the only way. The things you enjoy aren't the only things to be enjoyed.

He's 19. Let him make his choices instead of trying to make him follow yours.

In terms of computing students he's COMPLETELY normal.

Original poster
Cleebope2 · 20/01/2018 23:47

Yes Nell that's it exactly. Just talked to him again about getting a pt job and for the first time he said yeah maybe. It has to come from him though, I can't fix it for him. Poppies I think your worry sounds the same as mine. DS is a great lad and does get out of bed and do stuff with us, walks, squash etc. So I hope his mental health is ok and haven't pursued that line. I really hoped uni would be the making if him but he has regressed socially since school when he at least was doing driving lessons, scouts etc. Now he does nothing at all except attend class. If you find a way forward please share it with me!

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Original poster
Cleebope2 · 20/01/2018 23:51

Coola your last line made me laugh. I guess normal all depends on context. I just don't get all this screen time living. DD loves her tech but has a perfect balance of screen , school and socialising. Why are boys so different?

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