19DS won't go out, trying not to explode, at wits end

[Cleebope2]

Any realistic ideas on what to say or do to make DS 19 go out and socialise or get a part time job? He's in first year at uni studying computing, goes out once a month, rest of the time is stuck in his room on 4 devices at a time apparently 'studying' but is actually really shy and bored. Since he left school his friends have drifted away and he does not ever initiate anything. I feel so sad for him. He should be having the time of his life like his dad and I were at his age.

My son is mid-20s and still behaving like yours OP. He's in his room 95% of the time. He lost his small group of friends as soon as 6th form finished and they all went off to different universities. We thought Uni would be the making of him but it turned out to be breaking of him. He reached rock bottom to the point of becoming a suicide risk. We had to bring him home as an emergency. I do wish I'd done something when he was 19 to get him out and about. I don't know what that something is though.

The Japanese have a name for it... Hikikomori This description fits my son.

Gosh night sky that's really sad. I really hope your son comes out of it. Do you find that it gets you down a lot? Does your extended family help in any way? When I talk to my husband about it he just shuts down and acts like I'm creating a problem that isn't there. But I have felt like this for 6 years and it isn't getting any better. It's as if no one else thinks it's a problem. Friends just say at least he's at uni and not hooked on drugs etc. But it still worries me sick at times. What can parents do to help?

I don't get it.
Why don't you simply say you worry and ask if he's happy or if he would like support to change things?
It's his life. If this is how he chooses to live it then that's up to him.

But Wolfe he's only 19, that's not an adult these days. A new study yesterday said adolescence now extends to 24 years. They still need our guidance. I can't let him drift at 19.

Not everyone can have a million friends and go to parties every day. You might be sad about it and I'm sure he is too, but that's just how some people are. They can still have happy lives though.

I was like this and still am, I have a few friends but I'm just not the life of the party and never will be. I've accepted it just like everyone has to accept the various flaws in their looks and personalities.

As you said, being a shy, home body type is different to being clinically depressed and (for example) being afraid to leave the house or letting personal hygiene go. Sounds like your son is the former.

If you want him to move out and/or work this is fair, but it's a totally different issue which you should address separately.

My ds is 27. He doesn’t drink, smoke or have a girl or boyfriend. He never socialises and spends all his leisure time online. He shares a flat with his one friend, an old friend from school. Despite a high IQ he dropped out of college and didn’t go to university.

On the other hand, he is happy; independent; stable; saving for his own flat; holding down a good job and getting promoted. He has close online friends and a vibrant online social life - rather than being a football team or a gang who hang out down the pub they are gamers and live in Korea and USA and who knows where.

Importantly, I have accepted him for who he is. Yes he is different, but he is fine, and if I can’t support him in being who he wants to be then what kind of mother am I?

By all means encourage him to move out and to get a part time job, but don’t expect him to change into some other person.

Cleebope2 Yes, it does get me down. I cannot sleep for worrying and some nights and end up getting emotional and crying. DH is not much help as he just gets angry with him. I want DS to get help, but there is nothing out there. There's a 18 month wait for psychology, if they even accept him.

The only things he comes out for are to go running (alone) and karate. Karate is his only socialisation with other people outside the family. He does not drink alcohol in any form or smoke and hates pubs. Not that he has anyone to go with anyway.

He did have a part time job a couple of years ago, but it was only a 3 month contract and it was me that went and got it for him. He just had to turn up.

Expecting a 19 year old to work and move out is fine.

But your OP comes across as "I want to have a cool party son and I'm disappointed that I don't"

But maybe he's happy? It doesn't sound as if you've even considered that.

I'm godparent to the DD of the guy who was that guy at uni. He now has a great career, friends, family.

There needs to be a thread for parents of post teens as this seems to be a common problem these days and a growing one with the online world so many young adults inhabit. Night sky that was so good of you to arrange a job for an adult son, sorry your worries are so hard. Some good thoughts here from various posters to put things in perspective.

Of course I've considered if he's happy snowdrop. It's all I've ever thought about!

You’re getting a hard time from some people op. You’re worried and until people have an older teen child who seems to shut themselves away and doesn’t socialise they won’t understand. But apparently they will not give it a second thought and let them be..easy to say when it’s not your child doing that.

He might be perfectly happy or he might not be of course op is going to worry that he’s not. Much better to be aware that he may not be at least then you can support him. And if he’s happy then he can carry on.

Cleebope2 if I find something I will let you know!

I’ve broach the job thing too until his new course starts. Financially I can’t afford for him to sit at home all day without contributing towards his food/bills. (Single parent of two dc) But he won’t even learn to drive as he would have to speak to someone. I think the only reason he’s gone to uni is so he didn’t have to get a job, but he really didn’t do well in the course he picked and decided to change. (That’s another thread all together!! He only lasted in halls for 3 day’s and had to come home again as he couldn’t survive freshers week behaviour - we live 40 mins from Uni so was then commuting)

He’s still awake now laughing and joking with his friends online. But it’s a different ds to with them to who he is with everyone else.

Do you know that he is unhappy, OP? Or are you extrapolating from an idea of what would make you unhappy?

Because the young person you are describing could have been my Sixth Form self. Though as this was before the invention of screens, I spent all my time reading instead. I was not depressed in any way, I was getting on with my life, but I was quite introvert and needed the downtime after the time at school. In me that was not a sign of depression.

Otoh when my dd holed up in her room and stopped socialising, that was a sign of depression- because she's not me and what is healthy for me is not healthy for her.

So what I think is useful in this situation is to have a general look at his wellbeing:

does he appear very negative in his general outlook? (often a sign of depression)

does he seem to be "letting himself go" in terms of not eating properly, not washing etc

is there anything he seems to enjoy, even if it's online? (not getting any pleasure out of life is a sign of depression)

do you think he is managing his studies? (this is something you'll have to be gentle about, as the university, very rightly, will not be discussing it with you)

OP "Of course I've considered if he's happy snowdrop. It's all I've ever thought about!"

yes, but it sounds like you are just assuming he must be unhappy with this life because you wouldn't like it.

as for kids sitting in front of computers all the time - computers are fucking amazing! I think you've got to do what you enjoy.

if your real issue is that you want him to get a job and move out, there's no shame in saying that.

Cleebope2 sounds like you are worried about your child's mental health and that's very understandable. He is socialising less and his interaction with the family is decreasing which doesn't seem to you like a good sign.
The problem when someone is retreating is we don't know what's going on for them. Indeed, he might be just dandy, doing his thing on his own, or he might be struggling with depression or social anxiety, of course we don't know.
But it's hard for you and it strikes me that what you were on here asking for was some support in your worry. My thoughts would be to take whatever chance you have to communicate with him in a relaxed and not too pressured way. Open up any opportunities for doing something with the family and maybe express your concern that he has stopped joining the family for meals. Sounds like you miss him! That's not a horrible thing for anyone to hear!
But that whole communication process is going to be easier if you also stop and take a look at your own nerves and stress levels. What can you do for yourself to bring your stress levels down so you don't feel like you are going to explode? People who are about to explode are often not that easy to talk to, let alone confide in about your mental health .
Your reaction is totally understandable, it's not wrong, it just may not be that useful. Helping yourself chill a little and continuing to leave the door open for your son to talk to you, opens up opportunities for connection.

It doesn't help that his university has taken a whole month's break over Christmas and he doesn't go back till the end of January. At weekends I feel I can't relax if he is just sitting around the house, it's not so bad mid week as I'm more preoccupied with work and everyday chores. I feel like I have to arrange things for him to do. He doesjoin us for meals though and I'm trying to teach him to cook, clean, do laundry etc in the hope that he will get a flat next year. I don't care if he doesn't go out so long as he has company his own age so a flat share would solve that. He is an addicted gamer and I hate gaming so that drives me round the bend. Thanks for all opinions given, they are very helpful.

Cleebope, do you think a flat share would perhaps make it easier for you to step back and relax a bit? Because I have to admit (as somebody who has had an adult child with MH issues living at home), your feelings of extreme tension and need to organise his life don't actually sound as if they are making life easy for either of you. Lauenna did make a good point about it being easier to talk to someone who is not too tense.

btw I wouldn't put too much faith in a study that says adolescence extends to 24 years: plenty of 24yos, even these days, have responsible jobs and families and are living far from their parents. It all depends on how you define adolescence.

Cleebope A friend's dd is pretty much the same but without the screen addiction and my friend is really struggling - she wants her dd to be out living her life, meeting up with people her own age, passionate about something - anything, it's really not happening for her and my friend is having to learn to keep her mouth shut and let her dd get on with not really living her life - at the minute she is hoping that with time she'll find something to engage her more in life.
I do think kids are taking a long time to mature now - I think the study you mention regarding kids not becoming adults to their mid twenties rings true.

I think you are right to be concerned OP. It's not much of a life to be stuck in front of a screen instead of leading an active and interesting life. I am not sure how you tackle the problem though.

Iknow how you feel OP as we have been through similar with our DS. Once DS left 6th form he didn't stay in touch (other than on line) with any of his school friends and spent most of the summer before Uni in his bedroom - apart from the occasional bar shift. He went to Uni for a year and although he had some social life, the set up meant that he seemed to spend every weekend by himself in his Uni room. He would not go out and explore the new city (and country) he was living in. He dropped out of Uni after Yr1 - due to finding the course hard - and spent a year back at home. We insisted that he got a job - so at least he had to leave the house on work days. But on non work days he just spent the day in his room on his laptop. He did put in an appearance for dinner and would come out with me if I offered a free lunch but wouldn't go to the gym and did not get in touch with any of his ex-uni friends (except online) or his old school friends.

He has now gone away to Uni again (different Uni, different course) and he is embracing the social scene. He's even got himself a girlfriend so goes out with her as well as in a group drinking and clubbing. It also sounds as though he and his flat mates spend time socialising in the lounge/kitchen area in Halls too. When he comes home he reverts to a cave dweller type though! He is not an organiser or arranger so never instigates get togethers, but is happy to go along if someone else arranges and tells him to be there.

So I fully understand your concerns about your DS, but maybe living at home whilst at Uni was a mistake for him - as it would have been for my DS. He needs to work fast now to find a group to flat/house share with next year as everyone is in the process of sorting it out now - if they have not already done so. There is always a danger that he will just move from one bedroom to another being a recluse there (especially if he shares with computing course mates) but at least he will be out of sight and he will have to come out of his room to cook, shop and do his washing!

Given that he has now said he would consider a part time job, could you maybe point out if you see any vacancies advertised in shop windows/stores? I know you shouldn't have to, but he sounds like he needs a push! I only say this because I saw a job advertised in the window of my local Costa at the weekend, and there are always notices up in Tesco.
Would he consider volunteering, even if only for something half a day a week? There must be something computing related, or he could consider other things, eg if he is interested in animals, or supports a particular cause.

Yes Leeds those are all good ideas, I will keep working on him. He has needed to be pushed to do everything his whole life, even learning to walk (at 18 months) and riding a bike... all hard work so I guess it's in his cautious and shy nature. I can't help but compare him with his dad and me who were very independent by the age of 16. I keep thinking it's my fault somehow but I suppose everyone is different. He has great qualities in other ways but I know he would like to be more outgoing but can't seem to change.

How do you know he would like to be more outgoing?
You complain you can't relax and you want him to have company. None of that is based on what he would prefer.
You sound very pushy and like you don't approve he is choosing to live his life differently to you.