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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Son in a relationship with a girl with bpd

66 replies

Scaredformyson · 15/01/2018 15:28

Has anyone got any experience of their teenager being in a relationship with someone who has BPD. My son's girlfriend has assaulted him accused him of rape and he is still with her. She threatens suicide when he says he's going to split up from her. He thinks he loves her maybe he does but she is destroying him and I can't get him to see it

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Original poster
Scaredformyson · 15/01/2018 15:29

Desperate to help my son to see his relationship with his girlfriend who has BPD is toxic

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MrsJayy · 15/01/2018 15:32

Gosh that sounds intense what age is your son? You need to make sure he knows he isn't responsible for her apart from that there is nothing you can do maybe get in touch with her parents ?

EggsonHeads · 15/01/2018 15:48

Threatening suicide is a very widely recognised sign of emotional abuse. The other things you have also described are abusive. Your son is an abusive relationship. He is a victim of abuse. Boys and men can also be victims of abusive relationships. He doesn't see this but he needs to. I would suggest finding a counsellor who specialises in abusive relationships.

Original poster
Scaredformyson · 15/01/2018 15:53

He is just 18. Even his mates are concerned about him. I think her mum.is glad that he is with her as it takes the pressure off her so I'm not sure she would be much help. I just can't get him to raise that her life is not his responsibility. If she really wanted to commit suicide she would have done it by now. She hounds him constantly when they aren't together screams and shouts at him. He's such a sensitive soul and I'm worried about him. She triggered when she thought he was raping her which he wasn't and kicked him and split his lip so badly that he has a permanent scar. She gave him a black eye at Xmas and they both told me separately that her brother had caught his eye with a toy. I'm so scared that she's really going to hurt him. He's not an easy boy to talk to. He's not very confident. She tells him he's all she's got and couldn't live without him

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Original poster
Scaredformyson · 15/01/2018 15:54

I have spoken to MIND today and need to look into counselling for him but he needs to leave her first

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MrsJayy · 15/01/2018 15:58

Poor souls the pair of them he can't help her though you need to keep telling him that on repeat the girl is ill he can't save her or make her better.

wizzywig · 15/01/2018 15:58

No wonder you are scared for your son. Id be too. I think when you are first exposed to mental health problems in a relationship you think that love and time can fix everything. You have memories of how great the good times can be. I dont know much about bpd. Is it controllable on meds?

MrsJayy · 15/01/2018 16:00

Are they at college together ?

Original poster
Scaredformyson · 15/01/2018 16:02

She is on anti depressants and anti psychotics due to hearing voices. He works in an apprenticeship and she doesn't work

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Original poster
Scaredformyson · 15/01/2018 16:05

I've sent her lots of information regarding counselling etc but don't think she's accessed anything. She sees someone once a week but not sure who. It's not a condition that can be cured just managed but it takes a lot of work from the person with bpd

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eyeswideshit · 15/01/2018 16:07

I have bpd. I've tried writing a response to this numerous times but I can't seem to articulate what I actually want to say.

I'm sorry your son is having to go through this. But yes you're right he is not able to fix her and he has to know that he is not responsible for her actions.

Original poster
Scaredformyson · 15/01/2018 16:09

Thankyou eyeswideshit. X

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Original poster
Scaredformyson · 15/01/2018 16:10

Eyeswideshit can I ask what helps you with your BPD.

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spugzbunny · 15/01/2018 16:14

BPD is not the reason she behaves like that. It is not a reason for people to be arseholes, it's a disorder characterised by depression with brief periods of mania. She's a horrible person by the sounds of it and you shouldn't assume it's a product of BPD. I'm surprised MIND didn't say any of this to you.

pregz · 15/01/2018 16:14

This girl is abusing your son , emotionally and physically and he's been put in such a terrible position by her so he probably is terrified that if he does leave her everyone will see it as his fault if something happens to her. I think he should speak to someone a counsellor can help him realise he is not and can not be held responsible for her well being and begin release him of any guilt she's placed on him.

As a PP has said men can be victims of abuse too and I really hope whoever you turn too for help takes it as seriously as it is , good luck I can't imagine how difficult this is for you Sad

eyeswideshit · 15/01/2018 16:14

The antipsychotics that I'm on keep me stable-ish. And I try to live a very boring life where I don't do much so nothing triggers me.
I won't allow myself to have a romantic relationship anymore. I can't cope with them and it's not fair on the other person. But it's taken me years to realise that and accept it. However there are lots of people with bpd that are in long term loving relationships.

fitbitbore · 15/01/2018 16:15

Get her the mind over mood book and see if she can't be referred for dialectical behaviour therapy.

FissionChips · 15/01/2018 16:16

I think the op is talking about Borderline personality disorder.

eyeswideshit · 15/01/2018 16:16

Spugz what you're describing is bipolar disorder not bpd.

RaingodsWithZippos · 15/01/2018 16:17

My sister has BPD and it is an awful condition. She can't sustain relationships long term because she is suffocating, she wants to be the only person in their lives and overthinks everything. If she gets a text from a girlfriend saying they are tired, she immediately suspects that they are tired of her. She bombards them with affection and attention, but it's too much, and they feel smothered. She is constantly anxious and on edge, and relationships don't last very long. She self harms, and has spent a lot of time in and out of hospital in the last year with suicide attempts. She can't help it and it's heartbreaking trying to support her. Counselling hasn't helped because what's available isn't sophisticated enough, she is resistant to taking medication because she knows her condition can't be cured so sees it as drugging her unnecessarily.

Original poster
Scaredformyson · 15/01/2018 16:23

Yes she has borderline personality disorder. This is not an excuse to abuse someone physically and emotionally. MIND suggested that I talk to her mental health team and tell them that I am scared for my son and what she might do next. My son is not a strong character and I think he feels responsible for her. I have told him that the only person accountable for her life is her. I think she has picked up on his vulnerabilities

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Original poster
Scaredformyson · 15/01/2018 16:25

Raingods it's awful. I feel for my son's girlfriend as I know she has a mental illness but she is ruining his life. I'm hoping she will end the relationship but fear she won't. If he says he's had enough she threatens suicide and he goes back

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spugzbunny · 15/01/2018 16:26

Oh that makes sense! Yes sounds a lot like borderline personality disorder! My apologies!

All you can do is give your son the tools to deal with it and encourage him to recognise that it's not healthy for either of them. If you are too forceful, you'll push him away. Good luck OP. Very difficult situation for a young lad to deal with.

eyeswideshit · 15/01/2018 16:28

From my experience she isn't meaning to harm your son. She really feels like she can't live without him and that she would be better off dead than be on her own.

She's not meaning to be a horrible person. She is ill and these are classic symptoms of bpd. Unfortunately that does nothing to help your son. He can't make her better, and he will always end up disappointing her, even if he's perfect she will find a flaw. That's the nature of the condition.

Original poster
Scaredformyson · 15/01/2018 16:32

Eyeswideshit I get that she doesn't mean it but what sort of life are either of them going to have. He's my son and this is breaking my heart and scaring the shit out of me. I suffer with depression and my anxiety is through the roof waiting for the next thing to happen

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