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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Son in a relationship with a girl with bpd

66 replies

Scaredformyson · 15/01/2018 15:28

Has anyone got any experience of their teenager being in a relationship with someone who has BPD. My son's girlfriend has assaulted him accused him of rape and he is still with her. She threatens suicide when he says he's going to split up from her. He thinks he loves her maybe he does but she is destroying him and I can't get him to see it

OP posts:

IrisAtwood · 15/01/2018 16:38

You can be supportive to him. Listen to him, ask him questions that encourage him to reflect on the relationship and don’t judge his behaviour or be very negative or critical of her. It might help him to learn more about how to deal with suicide threats and about emotional abuse.
BPD is a hellish illness for the sufferer and their friends, families and partners. She can’t help the way that she behaves, but it is still abusive. I hope that they both get help.

eyeswideshit · 15/01/2018 16:39

I get how hard it must be for you to watch it, but it has to be one of them that realises this isn't how relationships are supposed to be and has the strength to end it.

All you can do is support them both. Is also suggest both you and your son reading up on bpd and try and understand the reasoning behind the girlfriends actions. Maybe then he will start to see that he is not responsible for her

WonkyDonk87 · 15/01/2018 16:44

There's a book called "walking on eggshells" which a lot of people find helpful. It's for carers/family/friends etc

unlimiteddilutingjuice · 15/01/2018 16:45

There's a discussion board that might help him: ww.bpdfamily.com
Its for partners and family members of people with bpd

Original poster

Scaredformyson · 15/01/2018 17:06

Thankyou all for your support.

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BattleCuntGalactica · 15/01/2018 17:19

Taking the BPD diagnosis away from the picture, his girlfriend is unequivocally abusive. It's a deeply unpleasant illness to both have and observe, but unless it's properly treated and managed, it can spiral horribly out of control and abusive situations arise.

Mental illness does not absolve anyone of abusive behaviours. I've battled my own headweasels for years, but I've never let it turn me into an abusive partner.

You cannot be responsible for her behaviour as a way of taking care of your son, all you can do is support him and make sure he is safe. The crux of having BPD is that sufferers have massive fear of abandonment, so they will do anything to keep from being abandoned, however many of the behaviours they display during making sure that doesn't happen, can push people away even more. It's a vicious cycle. Your son probably feels a sense of responsibility to her wellbeing, but that doesn't mean she's allowed to make him her physical and emotional punching bag.

Ask him what he would do if he saw one of his friends going through this, sometimes asking people to do that makes them realise just how toxic things are.

Original poster

Scaredformyson · 15/01/2018 17:29

I have tried to get him to see it the other way round. I asked him to imagine that this was happening to his sister and how it would make him feel.

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HannahGlasgowGal · 28/02/2018 00:38

Sorry I know this thread is a bit old now but I couldn't read and run. I have BPD. The way she is treating your son is abuse. Just because she is being affected by her BPD that doesn't change the fact that the way she's treating your son is not ok.

Honestly the best thing your son can do for her welfare is distance himself. I've never done anything as extreme as your sons girlfriend but I've had times in the past where I have for example, self harmed and deliberately called a certain person because I wanted them to take care of me. I couldn't just express that in words and it's so unhealthy for me and the poor person I was manipulating. Distancing myself from the person was incredibly painful, it's really grief, but it is what needs to happen to get out of that mindset. This relationship is making her mental health worse as well as hurting your son. I hope you and your son are ok

Original poster

Scaredformyson · 24/04/2018 16:42

HannahGlasgowGirl thankyou for your post. All seems ok at the moment but he's living at her parents and I never see him. He's not at all being responsible in any way. For example not paying his phone bill and getting parking fines. She took an overdose a while ago got thrown out by her parents. I wouldn't let her stay here because of her history and I have a 15 yr old daughter. She said that I hated her ..... I don't. She's back home now and started DBT. I think everything is ok but he doesn't tell me anything until the worst happens. As his mum it kills me but I'm just letting him get on with it. He thinks he's a grownup so he can start acting like one. The only good thing is that he dies call me if anything bad happens

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Checklist · 24/04/2018 16:55

Counselling won't deal with BPD - but DBT can work. IME with DD, medication does nothing either - if anything, it increased the suicidal ideation. I also doubt very much talking to her mental health team will get you anywhere either because of patient confidentiality; and they know exactly what it's like anyway!

Beware of splitting and black and white thinking - one minute, you can be the best thing since sliced bread, and the next the devil incarnate, and get a stream of abuse! Too much open opposition from you and she could turn against you big time. Don't put him in a position, where he has to choose between you and her. Chances are at 18, it will fizzle out anyway!

Checklist · 24/04/2018 17:05

Btw, something like 60% of people with BPD no longer meet the diagnosis by ten years, as they gain an identity from work, marriage, having children, etc.

Original poster

Scaredformyson · 24/04/2018 17:06

He knows I'm not making him choose. I've told her that I don't hate her and that I'm willing to help but that she can't stay here. All seems well with her parents at the moment but I know that can change at any moment. I've told him he's always got a home here. He's quite irresponsible in himself really . Gets lots of parking fines etc. I think he's on the autistic/ aspergers spectrum and somehow they feed off each other. He thinks he's a grown up so I've got to let him get on with it

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Original poster

Scaredformyson · 24/04/2018 17:09

Yes they were told that at her diagnosis so I hope that's the case. He's stood by her when she's done awful things to him so in some ways I'm proud of how strong he is. I just worry for his mental health as it's a lot to deal with at his age but I can't live his life for him

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DamsonGin · 24/04/2018 17:32

Someone close to me went through an abusive relationship where his girlfriend's mental health condition was a significant factor, the organisations helped me and in turn him...

www.mankind.org.uk
www.mensadviceline.org.uk

It's hard but if you can stay non judgemental, keep an open door, and know that only he can choose to leave her for good, that's possibly as much as you can do for now.

Original poster

Scaredformyson · 24/04/2018 18:02

Thankyou DamsonGin. I'll look at them

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SirVixofVixHall · 24/04/2018 18:03

This is an abusive relationship and frankly he needs to end it before it damages his confidence any further. When someone threatens suicide it is absolutely time to get professionals involved because he is not qualified to help her. He needs to see that love is not enough, love is not the only thing that matters in a relationship. Mutual care and respect matter as much as love. You need all three things to make a relationship . Without any one of the three then a relationship is never going to work, and here he has at least two missing from her side, probably all three. I really feel for him, but he has to end it. I would get him counselling with someone who specialises in abuse.

Original poster

Scaredformyson · 24/04/2018 18:06

My worry is that he can't see that it's a toxic relationship. Until he does there is little I can do. He doesnt see the problem but I'm here for him if or when they split up and I'll help him in any way I can

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coughingbean · 24/04/2018 18:14

I have bpd.
The way you describe her sounds like me at that age.

After 18 years, heavy therapy, CBT courses and meds I am somewhat stable!
Not sure I can give you any different advice from what already been posted.
Just know that it takes years of hard work to feel 'better' and this is something she might not even be ready for yet.

Let your son talk to you as much as possible, be his venting person and let him know he is not a bad person if he feels he cannot cope.

Also recommend the book 'walking on eggshells' as mentioned by a PP, I bought it for my husband!

SirVixofVixHall · 24/04/2018 18:18

He probably does see the problem, deep down. The violence, the threats, he must know that isn’t normal, but doesn’t know how to address it, so pretends it is all fine. I suppose you and his friends have to keep telling him it isn’t fine. Would he go to see a counsellor do you think ?

DamsonGin · 24/04/2018 18:35

Just thought, the helpline for Mankind (and possibly the Men's Advice Line too) is for concerned family and friends too, they helped me know what to do and say a lot.

Original poster

Scaredformyson · 24/04/2018 18:57

The problem is he's not a big talker. Never has been. You have to have the softly softly approach with him. Thankfully I am his go to person if things get really bad so I can only hope that if he needs my help he will ask. He has done in the past. He's a hard nut to crack but he's always been like that

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RunTheStreets · 24/04/2018 19:08

I also have BPD and her behaviour sounds depressingly familiar :( I'm sorry you're going through this OP, it's so hard to see someone you love in such a vulnerable position.
Even if he doesn't see that the relationship is toxic for him, he must realise that her mental health is a concern in terms of her own wellbeing? In my case the catalyst for getting help was my DH threatening to leave. Until then, I'd known that my behaviour was dysfunctional and abusive - and the shame of that just made it worse - but I didn't know how to fix it. It feels almost like being possessed (I imagine! Never been possessed...) and I felt powerless to stop it. When my choice became "do whatever it takes to fix this, or lose the man I love" it compelled me to seek help.
As PPs have said, counselling didn't make any difference. CBT was very helpful, but it did take time. I still have the odd outburst and I don't know if that will ever go away completely, but they're rare and the intensity has drastically reduced.
Might it be that framing it as "this is how you can help her" rather than "get yourself out of this mess" is easier for him to hear? It is a mental illness and as such isnt her fault. But there are ways to manage it - the two of them don't have to live like this. I feel for them both.

namechange2222 · 24/04/2018 19:19

You may find some useful support on BPD family forum and Out of The Fog forum
I feel terribly for you. I've been where you are, knowing another person is hurting our own flesh and blood
Your son will probably be experiencing such intense emotions in this toxic relationship and his relative inexperience means he won't have the tools to deal with it

Woshambo · 24/04/2018 19:31

@RunTheStreets I remember I was like this up until about 25.

When I was diagnosed I just assumed Borderline meant not really that bad lol. Didn't go back and didn't take medication etc but I cut out alcohol, toxic people and turned into a bit of a hermit.

I feel as though I'm "normal" now. Moved in with partner, expecting a baby. But I still online shop, avoid people socially, work nights (less people) and am generally socially awkward. But I'm no longer violent and now I don't jump straight in like a raging bull, I'm not as possessive as I used to be or nearly as paranoid and reliant.

It is A LOT of work and quite difficult but I feel my life has eased a lot.

Original poster

Scaredformyson · 24/04/2018 21:35

RunTheStreets I definitely offer ways to help them both. I've told him that as much as it is hard for me to accept the relationship I understand that he loves her. His dad who is now my ex husband has not minced with his words and told him to get rid of her. Not helpful. I've suggested that they work out coping strategies for when she kicks off. I've suggested that they sit down with her parents and discuss coping mechanisms for her. Unfortunately I'm sure her mum has mental health issues too and she is one of my son's gf biggest triggers.
Woshambo she is now having dbt and is on anti depressants and anti psychotics. It's sad that I just get to hear when something goes horribly wrong and don't get to see them when they are happy 😓

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