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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Daughter will not revise or do school work.

22 replies

Tunnock44 · 14/01/2018 23:19

My daughter will not revise for exams (mocks) she says she is going to fail them so there is no point. I have tried tutors, bought her all the revision guides, asked her daily if I can help but she gets verbally aggressive and defensive. She has never enjoyed school and only goes for the social side. She has the ability to pass her GCSEs but it is looking very likely that she will fail them all. The school have tried but she just refuses to engage, she is quiet in lessonsz and will not join in but is not disruptive. She has an answer/excuse for everything and always knows best. I have tried reasoning, being calm, rational and supportive, this has done nothing. I have not pressurised her at all, I only want her to pass maths and English and 2 others so that she can go to college. Nothing motivates her apart from her friends and her phone! I just don't know what else to do. She is her own worst enemy and I know she would rather fail without trying than fail with trying. She has completely given up. She has no special needs and is more able to pass them but is not prepared to try. I am at a loss.

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 14/01/2018 23:23

So take the phone and don't let her see her friends until she starts to put some effort in.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 14/01/2018 23:25

This is a really tough time for you.

OK so in her head, she's going to fail so she won't try. What does she think will happen once she's failed?

GreenTulips · 14/01/2018 23:32

75% of jobs require maths and English passes as a minimum

What does she want to do with her life? Fine job ads and show her!

That said DH failed his GCSEs and woke up - passed them in college and went on todo a degree - all isn't lost!

(GCSEs are around £500 each when she's older)

Oly5 · 14/01/2018 23:34

I also would take her phone and make her stay in until she starts putting genuine effort in. Exams are important

C0untDucku1a · 14/01/2018 23:37

Take the phone.

MissMarplesBloomers · 14/01/2018 23:46

Taking her phone will only escalate her bolshiness.
I'd sit her down & calmly explain as you have upthread that you only want her to get the basic Maths & English so she has the option to go to college.
Then point out that if she CHOOSES to throw away this opportunity, she will then have to leave & get a job, any job to help pay her keep. Put the ball in her court, no dramas, no fuss, worst case scenario she'll leave school & get a crap job. It might make her think again & she can pay to get those basic qualifications herself. Or she might just find her way in the world on a totally different path, who knows? Take the drama out of the situation, she'll have nothing to rebel against.
BTW who pays for her phone & the bills?

Subtleconstraints · 14/01/2018 23:59

I agree with the pp who suggested getting her thinking about what she wants to do after school. What her are interests? Where does she see herself in 5 years time? It's fine if she is not academic but does she want a job working with people/animals/food/travel/the arts or is she creative, or sporty or???? I found my DD buckled down to study once she had a career objective in mind.

That's a good idea about stressing the importance of maths and English too!

Also, could she be lacking in confidence? Or overwhelmed? This could be the case if she says there is no point in studying. Perhaps have a meeting with her teachers and get them to reassure her that she is capable if she puts the work in and that it's not too late.

And I'm afraid she would be "earning" phone time if she was with me. One hr study = 15 mins on phone or whatever you think is fair.

Haggisfish · 15/01/2018 00:04

Does she actually know how to revise? Lots of my gcse students don’t actually know what to do. Can you download an app called brainscape and buy/make some online revision flash cards she can use? Disclaimer-don’t work for them, I’m sure there are others!

MyBrilliantDisguise · 15/01/2018 00:25

There's something someone said on here once, "Play the video to the end." Ask her to think about the consequences of every decision. She will hate it but hopefully she will think of it when she's alone.

My son's Maths teacher did this with the class - they were all destined for D grades and he was desperately trying to get them to work so they got C grades. He asked them to think of someone who would pass (who was working harder than they were) and to track their lives against this other boy's. Because Boy A did his work (not going overboard, just passing) he could go straight onto a vocational course or A levels. They would have to resit. If you don't like something, then resitting would be awful. The teacher tracked their lives over several years - eg No Maths GCSE, can't get an apprenticeship, can't do A levels, can't become an electrician, will have to resit, will earn less than Boy A, etc etc. He ended with saying, "Basically lads, which one of you is going to get the girl?"

It worked - they all passed

Timetogetup0630 · 15/01/2018 06:00

If she does fail, do you have a local College where she can resit in a different environment ?

DarkPeakScouter · 15/01/2018 06:06

Turn off the wifi, try and come up with some fun ways to learn the material.

frenchfancy17 · 15/01/2018 06:29

If she doesn't pass Maths and English now she WILL have to retake at a college. She will keep having to resit until she passes or sit a crappy functional skills Maths or English which is not an equivalent!

NovemberWitch · 15/01/2018 06:36

Are her friends the same? Because if not, she will lose them as they move on and leave her behind. Perhaps she needs to fail and take a year or two to realise the consequences.

Chimchar · 15/01/2018 07:01

It's easier for her to think she'll fail, and to fulfil her thought, than to try really hard and still fail. She sounds in panic mode.
Her confidence is the issue here.

Maybe she needs some help to revise...I like bbc bite size.
Maybe she needs some bigging up from her teacher.
Maybe she needs a tutor for a few sessions to explain things in a different way.

I wouldn't be doing tough love at this point, I'd be gently nurturing and coaxing.

Good luck.

helpmum2003 · 19/01/2018 16:34

My dd is the same age and often has problems getting started so sometimes just getting her to do a small amount leads to more.
I do restrict phone time - they just can't control themselves. I think it makes a massive difference.

specialsubject · 19/01/2018 16:40

Losing the dick brick is not actually child cruelty. No consequences, no results. She's old enough for those.

School isn't fun. Welcome to real life, kid. Now arse in gear and stop wasting free education that you dont get shot for attending.

2pups · 19/01/2018 16:48

Once they are at secondary it's not working for parents it's working for her future.

If she knows how limited her options will be if she fails and I assume she does then I would leave her too it.

If she needs to re sits - her choice.

EggsonHeads · 19/01/2018 16:51

Can you find a boarding school to take her? They seem to have a magical ability to motivate lazy pupils? Or tell her that if she doesn't pass you expect her to stay at home all day and clean the house/work full time for minimum wage. What does she exactly think she's going to do with her life? It's not easy to marry a wealthy man these days of youare uneducated so it's not like she can do that even. Or has she deluded herself into thinking that she's going to become a model or something?

DPotter · 19/01/2018 17:07

I agree with others, about asking her what she wants to do when she leaves school and then 5 years on and then planning how she's going to get there.
Thing is, there are basic level entry jobs she could get with no qualifications earning enough money to turn a 16 years olds head. So you would need to spell it out, so OK she earns £100 per week, sounds a lot to a 16 yr old. But there's board and lodging, phone bill, saving up for holidays, clothes, hair etc etc. Even if she has an answer for that, will she really want to be living with you (if you'll have her) in mid 20s. How will she afford rent, mortgage etc?

The good news is, she has still got time if she get a wiggle on now. My Dsis school reckons they can lift one grade with their Easter holiday cram classes.

lljkk · 19/01/2018 18:14

"I have not pressurised her at all, I only want her to pass maths and English and 2 others so that she can go to college."

Why? Why do you want her to go to college. What does SHE want to do after yr11?

JustDanceAddict · 19/01/2018 18:21

TEll her life will be tough if she doesn’t st least get maths or English. So important. And her friends will move on, and she won’t. Even if she screams at you, some will have gone in. Tell her that the ball’s in her court. What does she want to do after school?

AJPTaylor · 19/01/2018 18:24

Been there, done it.
Hand them the responsibility and sit back.it is chuffing hard but she has to make her own mistakes.
The good thing is that she is able to have a free education until her year 13 plus 1. So this factors in the stroppy teen who has to fail before suceeding.
If she is bright and able the world will not end.

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