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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Do I not allow enough freedom for my 13 year old?

60 replies

LucyB2000 · 14/01/2018 19:37

My 13 year old turned 13 a few months ago. I only let her go shopping with her friends but I have to keep an eye on them. We live about a 5 minute bus drive away from the nearest town but I always drive her and not let her go on the bus. If she wants to go to a friends house I have to get the number of the friends mother to confirm it. I make her be included in all things in our family and she has to come on family days out with us. Am I being to uptight?

OP posts:

pinkhorse · 14/01/2018 19:48

I have a 15 year old dsd and this sounds quite restrictive based on what dsd did at that age. Is there a reason she's not allowed more freedom? Why is she not allowed on a 5 minute bus journey on her own?

titchy · 14/01/2018 19:48

Fuck yeah massively!

Psychobabble123 · 14/01/2018 19:50

Christ, my 10yo DD has more freedom than that!

IHaveBrilloHair · 14/01/2018 19:50

Why don't you trust her?

yosoyapplecider · 14/01/2018 19:53

yes and no.
I think she should be able to get the bus, I'm assuming she has a phone and if you feel uneasy she could txt or ring you once she's on and off the bus.

Titsywoo · 14/01/2018 19:54

Yeah that's way too restrictive. She needs to learn to do things by herself. She'll be an adult in a few years! I'm trying to persuade my 13 year old DD to go out more and get the bus with friends as they never go anywhere.

Eolian · 14/01/2018 19:54

Sounds normal to me. I have a 12 year-old dd who will be 13 in the summer.

MrsMozart · 14/01/2018 19:55

Ouch. How's she meant to learn to manage and deal with life?

Clovertoast · 14/01/2018 19:55

She can't use the bus?
How does she get to school everyday?
My 13 year old takes buses and tube hops to school.
She's allowed out at weekends but home by 5 and MUST answer to check in phone calls and texts or she isn't allowed out next time.

Hebenon · 14/01/2018 19:59

I don't understand why getting the bus would be a problem at all!! Surely you want her to become independent?

The other things sound quite bossy but reasonable to an extent - eg fine that you should know where and with whom she is spending her time or that she should come on family days out. But calling the other mother for a 13 year old seems a bit excessive - why do you need to do this? And what do you mean by keeping an eye on her when she goes out with her friends?

BertrandRussell · 14/01/2018 20:05

The bus thing is very odd. And the watching them while they shop. And the telephone numbers- does she not have a phone?

The family things and days out seem quite normal.

crunched · 14/01/2018 20:07

A parents phone number for sleepovers is a necessity but I think you are being over-protective in the other things you mention.
However, I guess this will depend on where you live and the maturity of your DD. I would particularly re-consider forcing her to participate in "family days out". These should be fun, not imposed.
You have a maximum of 5 years to come to a position where she will choose the closeness of your relationship. You obviously love her and I'm sure, with the bumps along the route we all have as we learn how to parent young adults, there will be a good outcome.

DullAndOld · 14/01/2018 20:10

I think the bus thing is a bit odd and so is watching her while she goes to the shops.

Figrollsnotfatrolls · 14/01/2018 20:14

Dd 12 in September went to town for the first time yesterday. Dropped off by her friend's dm and collected . She was told to stay in the precinct. Ds at 12 was allowed by df (Disney father) to do what he wanted when he was with him. Stayed out all night, was seen wandering the streets at 1 am!! Ask your dd what she is comfortable doing and try and give her some trust!!

BackforGood · 14/01/2018 21:42

Agree with everyone else.
I've had 3 who are now past 13.
You are being too restrictive for an 11 or 12 yr old IMO, let alone 13 yr old.

BackforGood · 14/01/2018 21:42

Agree with everyone else.
I've had 3 who are now past 13.
You are being too restrictive for an 11 or 12 yr old IMO, let alone 13 yr old.

Namelesswonder · 14/01/2018 22:02

Very restrictive! My DD1 turned 13 in December. She gets bus into town (10 mins) and goes shopping with her friends. She will go to friends houses after school and my requirement is that she lets me know where she is and who she's with. Time to loosen the apron strings!

missmapp · 14/01/2018 22:06

I have an almost 13 year old. He gets the bus to school every day so does take the bus into town to see friends. I still take to friends houses, but they tend to be further away and not easy to get to by bus. I don't phone to check, but he does have his phone with him. He doesn't go out much though so we are encouraging more of this

Brighteyes27 · 14/01/2018 22:12

I thought I was strict!
Bus in to town ok as long as she answers calls.
Do insist on parents telephone number for sleepovers if don’t know them. My DD is 12 nearly 13.
I know it’s hard to let go but I think you need to try.

MyOtherProfile · 14/01/2018 22:13

My 11 year old gets more freedom than that. He gets the bus to town with his friends but does have to check in with me. They have to learn independence step by step. Your dd could at a push leave home in 3 years!

DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 14/01/2018 22:14

13yr old DD here with her own mobile phone. Walks to school, gets on buses and trains. Often travels to other towns by public transport to meet friends.

I do insist on speaking to parents for sleep overs but apart from that she is free to roam as she wishes (within reason of course)

Has a pre loaded card for costa to buy hot chocolate and always has money on her for travel and food. Also always welcome to bring friends here to hang out if it’s too cold or boring out and about.

I’m also mum taxi when they can’t be bothered to walk but I’d rather they walked!

HermioneAndMsJones · 14/01/2018 22:14

Well.. t h my 14yo doesn’t do as much as your 13yo.
Mainly because he has never asked though!

I wouldn’t ring friends parents to check over.

But all the rest is expected where we live.

As for spending time with the family, errr, yes they will. Because we are a family and they are part of it!

HermioneAndMsJones · 14/01/2018 22:17

Sorry, I’m not sure if that clear.
But so far, even at 14yo, Dc1 and his friends still dint meet up outside school, still don’t go the town next door and still don’t even go down to our town centre (a mere 10mins walk away...)
I wouod be happy to leave Dc1 do that but basically all of his friends (and in some ways Dc1 too) are busy with activities (sports etc..) and family stuff.
So it doesn’t happen....

Haffdonga · 14/01/2018 22:18

Why do you have to keep an eye on her? Does she have a special need, disability or behavioural issue?

FATEdestiny · 14/01/2018 22:18

My just turned 13 year old gets 30 minutes buses into the local city. This only started since September though.

Last school year she was dropped off and picked up from the city centre. Not followed around though. She now has her own bus pass and makes her own way there.

It's never occurred to me to check with parents of friends. I do insist I know where the friend lives if my DD wants to go there (incase I have to fetch her for any reason). She has her phone with her anyway though.

I trust her. She is very wise for her age, sensible and level headed.

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