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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Do I not allow enough freedom for my 13 year old?

60 replies

LucyB2000 · 14/01/2018 19:37

My 13 year old turned 13 a few months ago. I only let her go shopping with her friends but I have to keep an eye on them. We live about a 5 minute bus drive away from the nearest town but I always drive her and not let her go on the bus. If she wants to go to a friends house I have to get the number of the friends mother to confirm it. I make her be included in all things in our family and she has to come on family days out with us. Am I being to uptight?

OP posts:

athingthateveryoneneeds · 14/01/2018 22:19

I would expect a 13 year old to start managing her own social life; would've expected this to start in year 6, really.

I wouldn't be watching over her with her friends out shopping - bit weird? She might lose friends this way?

I know it's hard to let go, but this is the time of life when you need to be training them up to live independently. It's time to let her learn to use the bus on her own and allow more freedoms when going out with friends.

Expecting family time is completely normal, however!

AthenaAshton · 14/01/2018 22:19

Mine are all older now, but they had way more freedom than that at 13. The oldest probably had marginally less at that age than his siblings had (PFB), but at 13, they were all taking themselves on the bus to sleepovers, meeting friends in town, taking themselves to wherever they needed to be etc (as was I at 13 - in the days before mobile phones). They were all walking to school unaccompanied at 11 (the baby walked to school with a friend in Y5).
I do still get cross with them if they don't answer their phones (including the one at university), and I do ask the younger ones to give me the phone number of a parent if they're sleeping over somewhere (sleepovers are conditional on this). I also check with the friend's parent, to make sure they're telling the truth!

Shen0102 · 14/01/2018 22:23

Is she your only child ??

Thehogfather · 14/01/2018 22:25

Yes massively ott. Dd had more freedom at 10. Hard to judge the family stuff and making her be included/ days out. Depends on what it is and how regularly.

silkpyjamasallday · 14/01/2018 22:56

My parents were like you are when I was your DDs age. It was a suffocating and joyless existence, and eventually I found ways around it and rebelled with drugs and older boys, I was regularly clubbing at 15. All it takes is your DD making friends with people who have parents willing to lie (a surprising number I found and these were all naice middle class people not shameless types) or parents who have very lax rules/turn a blind eye to what their DC get up to or are happy to facilitate drinking/smoking.

Please don't do this to your DD OP, she needs to have a life and discover her independence. Unless there are SN in the equation there really is no need for the level of surveillance you put your daughter under.

midnightmooch · 15/01/2018 07:14

Too much! Some kids aren't ready to go it alone but it sounds like your dd is ready to give it a go but you are not!
Forcing a child to participate in days out doesn't sound like much fun - why doesn't she want to spend the day with the family - are the activities planned things that she would normally enjoy? - has she had an input? Is she needing some space away from the family because it all seems a bit full on and clingy.

chantico · 15/01/2018 07:49

Yes, I think you are being too restrictive (unless your DD has additional needs)

At 13 I would expect typical DC to be able to go out with friends to specified/known areas, make straightforward local bus journeys and to visit their friends' houses. I would want a landline number for a sleepover (but wouldn't be checking routinely).

Oblomov18 · 15/01/2018 07:52

Completely OTT
Is there a huge drip feed?

chantico · 15/01/2018 07:52

But yes, I agree that keeping them participating in family events/outings right through the teen years is a good thing. But you need to pick which ones, and give them notice, so they can sort their own social lives around it.

They don't have to go along to everything (they might find activities devised with their younger siblings in mind a bit dull) and perhaps they need one-one-one outings (following their interests) with a parent. Insisting on everything together (which is one way of reading the opening post) is also a bit too restrictive, and probably doesn't work terribly well for anyone.

AuntLydia · 15/01/2018 07:54

When you say you keep an eye on her in town, do you follow her and her friends around?! If so that's very restrictive.

I don't confirm with my 13yo's friends parents any more when she says she's going over there but I know them well. I would possibly ask for a number/address if it was someone completely unknown to me.

She is expected to do family stuff and come out with us but she usually wants to anyway.

noitsnotteatimeyet · 15/01/2018 07:59

I’m assuming this is a reverse .. would be interesting to hear the other side of this

KennDodd · 15/01/2018 08:00

My mum was like this. I had a miserable childhood and ran away from home at 15, this was the best thing I ever did and I never went back.

pinkhorse · 15/01/2018 14:54

Where is the Op? I'm quite interested to know her reasons for being this restrictive

RebeccaWrongDaily · 15/01/2018 14:58

if you were married to her this would be an abusive relationship.

steppemum · 15/01/2018 15:04

dd is 12. Since she was 11:

To get to her secondary school, she has to go on bike (summer) bus/car (winter) to the station (10 minutes)

Then 30 minutes on a train, then 10 minutes walk.

If she wants to, she can pop into town (near the station) after school
On a saturday she can bike/bus into town and meet friends.

yes, she must tell me where she is, and when she expects to be home.

If going to a friends, I do exchange a text with the parents, but that is becuase it is often in the town where her school is, so further away. For a friend on our town, I would trust her to say - I will be with xxx this pm.

family days out are tricky - ds is 15, and until this year we have encouraged them all to be part of the family.
Now, with ds, I would give him the option, unless it is visiting grandparents. And I let dd (aged 12) go to scout event rather than family birthday a few months ago.

NorthernSpirit · 15/01/2018 17:26

You sound very controlling in the language you use.

I only let her....
I have to keep an eye on them....
I always drive her....
And not let her....
If she wants to I have to get....
I make her....

She’s 13. Why are you so high on control and so insecure?

It’s our job as parents to teach children to be independent and stand on their own two feet.

Does she do much around the house? Can she cook? Clean? Look after herself? I would expect a 13 year old girl or boy to be able to do these things.

You have to step back and give her responsibility and independence. You are making a rod for your own back with your behaviour.

Blessed81 · 16/01/2018 00:54

That's too restrictive. She can be allowed out but u can ring or text if worried.

Right now my boyfriend wishes his daughter could go out with friends, she doesn't like going anywhere and only likes socialising with dad and brother.

moochypooch · 16/01/2018 06:57

This has got to be a reverse!

Blemnblep · 16/01/2018 07:08

Phone number or Facebook for the parents at sleepover - normal
Family days - normal unless they get a better offer
Bus not normal

EggsonHeads · 16/01/2018 07:16

Not at all. This was pretty normal when I was growing up (at a private girls school, especially amongst children of migrants. The only girls who were allowed to go out alone at that age were the boarders/the ones with parents who didn't really care where they were or what they did). I would imagine that in other communities, white working class for example it would be perfectly normal for 13 year olds to go off on their own. I see quite a few children that age walking around the town centre alone where i live. To be honest I don't think it really matter provided that they are home at a reasonable time, it's not like they are likely to get into any danger (provided that they are sensible). But I don't see the way you are raising your daughter as abnormal or unfair.

Appuskidu · 16/01/2018 07:19

Why do you have to keep an eye on her?

I thought that was odd language. As you read the post, it’s almost as if the OP was actually the 13 year old daughter.

DivisionBelle · 16/01/2018 07:59

The vast majority of secondary school children are catching buses, trains and tubes to school from age 11 onwards.

If you carry on being so claustrophobicslly protective you will cause her to lose friends, pass on your own anxiety to her, (or push her to be resentful, rebellious and potentially deceitful) and rob her of the opportunity to learn independence.

Why are you so restrictive?

NaughtyNoraTheNamechanger · 16/01/2018 17:42

Is this a reverse? Are you the DD?

If not, then you're being completely unreasonable on several counts.

My parents were similar when I was 13 (not thaaaat long ago). Finally at 14 I managed to convince then that I could get the public bus (there was a private school bus) and from then on they relaxed.

Kenworthington · 16/01/2018 17:58

Bloody hell op you are so strict! My youngest is 13, she’s the only girl. She was 13 last week. She

-Walks to and from school on her own and sometimes with friends
-Walks the mile or so into town with her mates. They may or may not be gone all day
-She goes to friends houses and I don’t know the kids OR the parents. She sometimes even stays over
-She sometimes catches a train with her friends to the seaside which is 15 miles away. On their own. And back again. They work out the train times themselves
-she goes out at the weekend and just ‘hangs out’ with no plans. I don’t know where she is. I don’t need to. I trust her. She has a phone and if she needs me she calls me, if I need her I call her and she answers.

You really really need to start cutting her some slack here or she is going to massively resent you and it will backfire splendidly

tinytreefrog · 17/01/2018 17:20

The following around town bit is what gets me. At 13 you should be able to trust her to spend time in town with her friends without feeling the need to tail her around.

Fair enough wanting phone numbers for friends parents, I don't always ask for them as ds has a phone and is very sensible, but I always offer mine to other parents.

Participating in family days out is also completely fair enough. I would actually be quite hurt if ds never wanted to come with us. I don't make her come everywhere, but luckily she does usually want to come with us when we go out as a family.

As for the buses. I think it really does depend where you live. We live in a medium sized town in a fairly rural area. While I would be fine with dd 13 getting the bus in theory, she doesn't really want to as they are hideously expensive and she doesn't want to waste her precious cash! If we lived in a city with a cheaper more regular bus service, I'm sure she would make better use of it. As it is I would usually give her a lift, but I drop her off and go, I don't hang around.
She also often walks the two miles home from school alone, though doesn't go out much after school as she has an activity almost every night.

I think she has a middling amount of freedom really and we are both happy with that.

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