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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

17 year old son attacked- what can I do?

85 replies

starrydreamer · 08/01/2018 17:49

My 17 year old son is in 6th form in School in a small market town. He has to walk to school through the town centre to get to the bus.
Today he was set up by a gang of similar aged youths that he didn’t recognise. He was told by one
‘ not to stare at his mate’
DS seemed to think he was referring to a lad that hangs around the same place who my son and his friends have looked at - nosy teenagers.
DS said there were about 15 of them and he was on his own. He’s 6 feet and so not an easy target but some lads kicked him and thumped his back.
He says he has no marks and bruises but he is very, very shaken up. Even though he won’t say anything.
He’s barely spoken since he got in. Nothing I say to make him feel better is helping.
He doesn’t want me to phone the police. He doesn’t want a day off school tomorrow. Us picking him from school is impossible and he can’t really vary his route to bus station as it’s a small town. He says no one is available to walk with him to the bus stop as most of his friends go home in a different direction.
I also suspect he doesn’t want to be seen to be needing help.

Could someone please give me a fresh perspective on this?
Living where we do, he has been quite sheltered from this sort of thing.

And so have I.

OP posts:
extinctspecies · 08/01/2018 17:54

How awful for you OP, and for your son.

I don't have any useful experience or advice I'm afraid - although if this happened to me I'd try & insist on calling the police.

And also make sure the school is aware. Maybe there is a member of staff who could keep an eye on him from a distance when he needs to catch the bus.

NonnoMum · 08/01/2018 17:54

Poor lad! Sorry to hear this. Didn't want to read and run...
Not sure what to suggest but definitely inform the college - the safeguarding lead, even if he doesn't want everyone to know...

Original poster
starrydreamer · 08/01/2018 17:56

Thanks. I’ve name changed because he knows my usual name and my go to point of call is Mumsnet.

OP posts:
Neolara · 08/01/2018 17:57

I'm sure you're already doing so, but I'd continue to try to persuade him to go to the police. There may well be witnesses.

NewIdeasToday · 08/01/2018 17:57

I would also talk your son into reporting this to the police. With 15 of them it could have got really nasty.

Hope he’s feeling ok. Is there any other way he could get home for a week or two?

TwitterQueen1 · 08/01/2018 17:58

Tbh I would call the police anyway even if just to make him understand that everyone views this a serious offence and to help him validate his own feelings.

You know him best so obviously it's your call but the more he tries to internalise this the more helpless he may feel.

And yes, tell the school.

crazycatgal · 08/01/2018 17:58

I'd really recommend going to the police. Being set upon by 15 lads is awful.

Original poster
starrydreamer · 08/01/2018 18:05

He claims no witnesses. But I suspect if most people saw a gang of shouty swearing teenagers they would avoid.

He is definitely internalising this - good point. Maybe a police officer could give him a pep talk?

Sadly no way of him getting home from school unless by bus. He could vary his route a little bit it’s a small town so the gang could easily be anywhere.

OP posts:
extinctspecies · 08/01/2018 18:12

If it's a small town there is every chance that the police will already be aware of this gang and who the ringleaders are.

Also, there may well be CCTV. In my small market town most activities get caught on CCTV.

Presumably the lads weren't wearing school uniform, so you can't report it to their school?

Original poster
starrydreamer · 08/01/2018 18:17

No, not in uniform.

I’ve got to nearly 50 and I’ve never, ever phoned the police.

I really want to. But don’t want to antagonise my son.

He’s usually quite bouncy and laddish ( in a good way), he’s totally different tonight.

OP posts:
TwitterQueen1 · 08/01/2018 18:29

I completely get that you don't want to antagonise your DS but I think that sometimes you (the parent) have to be the backstop. You don't need to over-dramatise or be all protective Mum, but if you can perhaps be the voice of fact here... "what they did was illegal. If they've done it to you they will do it others.... we need to tell the police so they can stop it..."

ie don't make it about him, make it about the acts that they committed....

tough call.

AuditAngel · 08/01/2018 18:34

I think he'd find the police surprisingly supportive. My 13 year old DS was slapped on the arm by an old lady on the bus. We called the local community officer, who visited and spoke with DH AND DS, she later came back to take a formal statement" we could have attended the police station, but she suggested that coming to DS would be less stressful.

We were told if DS ever saw the woman again he should call 999. I certainly didn't expect them to take it so seriously.

BoneyBackJefferson · 08/01/2018 18:46

Call the police, if nothing else to get it recorded

Ilovetolurk · 08/01/2018 18:52

He might be grateful for you stepping in OP even if he says not to ring the police. As PPs have suggested, report to college as a minimum but I would report to police too unless he really begged me not to

Sorry this has happened to your boy

Megs4x3 · 08/01/2018 19:00

This is horrible for bith of you and I do understand your son's reaction. One if my boys was set upon by a gang some years ago. Like yours, badly shaken, no visible injuries and didn't want to involve the police. He was a little younger than your boy so perhaps more open to persuation, but I pointed out that he wasn't yet legally an adult and it was my job to protect him, even if that meant asking for outside help. Also, the crime needed reporting in case they set on him again to demonstrate 'history'. The police were immensely supportive.

Original poster
starrydreamer · 08/01/2018 21:19

I rang the police via 101.

I gave them brief details over the phone and I have made an appointment to go to the local station tomorrow night. I haven’t told DS about the appointment part yet. He didn’t even ask what the police said.

It doesn’t really help. He’s still in an awful mood and everything I suggest is wrong
‘If you see them go in a shop’ ‘walk a different way’
I’m not sure what else I can suggest.

I hate not being able to help.

OP posts:
Original poster
starrydreamer · 09/01/2018 07:56

He’s gone off to school very, very subdued.

Lost all his usual swagger.
I’ve asked him to text me when he gets there and text when he’s back on the bus this afternoon.

OP posts:
extinctspecies · 09/01/2018 08:41

Oh gosh OP, I expect he'll be OK on the way to & from school today. Those nasty boys have made their point.

But what a worry for you.

extinctspecies · 09/01/2018 08:42

And well done for contacting the police.

SparklyLights · 09/01/2018 08:47

How awful. Could you arrange fur him to go home to a friends house after school and pick him up from there just for today?

Original poster
starrydreamer · 09/01/2018 09:04

He’s just not open to doing anything to help himself.

Although he as a point. He is very limited in what he can do. We are are at work and can’t get to him until 5.00. There is only one bus station/stop and he has to go through town to get to it. The gang attacked him in front of some shops so they aren’t bothered.

I’m going to ring the school now and see if I can get a message to his form teacher. Just wanted n. Are he’s not on top of things at school today.

OP posts:
SparklyLights · 09/01/2018 10:17

Can you suggest (at a suitable point) some self defence lessons? His pride will have taken a big hit too, he probably wants to forget it- but of course it’s a horrible thing to go through, and in public too. He must have felt so vulnerable but also teenagers feel so much they have a front to keep up. When I was his age, I tripped over on the way back from school and completely shredded my knees (went to hospital in the end) but at the time I got up and hobbled to a corner to hide because I was more concerned that the kids behind me had witnessed my “humiliating” fall and would make fun of me. He might be worried it’s been filmed as well.

You can do one-day self defence courses as well as longer courses. I would tell him these guys picked on him because he’s so tall and strong looking. Tell him how pathetic these other kids are that they get their self worth from springing a lone guy when theres 15 of them. He should feel sorry for their pathetic asses that all they have to do in their lives is hang around shopping centres looking for trouble.

I hope you make headway with him. Keep a close eye though and try & encourage him to make plans to do something he loves soon - moving on positively. Processing the pain/humiliation is important but dwelling won’t be healthy, it’s a fine balance.

Original poster
starrydreamer · 09/01/2018 17:34

For anyone following this

He was attacked again tonight. He was thumped and hit in the face so hard his lip is split. There were over 20 of them and DS was with 6 friends.
He called 999 but they told him to ring 101. We now have a 2nd crime number

OP posts:
extinctspecies · 09/01/2018 18:38

So sorry to hear this OP. I hope the police will take this very seriously now. Shocked they did not respond immediately when he called 999.

Were his friends also attacked?

PerspicaciaTick · 09/01/2018 18:43

starrydreamer, your poor lad. He must be so shocked and upset.

Any chance of any other friends/neighbours/parents giving him a lift - even if it just means he is approaching school/the bus stop from a different direction for a bit? Could he wait at school to 5pm, or is there a library or cafe where he could wait for you (might be worth the price of a cuppa for a few nights).