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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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13 year old refusing to come home

84 replies

mogloveseggs · 21/12/2017 19:02

Out with “mates” aaa supposed to be home an hour ago. We’ve been through this before and had a good period of it not happening but tonight here we go again. Apparently she “might” get in the car at 8. Just so tired of it. She’s stopping out because I’m moody! Has the dog put down yesterday of course I am! Sorry rambling now.

OP posts:
sunshineintheclouds · 21/12/2017 19:50

not saying get physical

Ooppss

Sparrowlegs248 · 21/12/2017 19:51

Mog well yes it does to me, but as I said, mine are much younger. I also live quite rurally, there are often kids hanging around in the dark but I don't know if that's because it's a small group of villages rather than a city?

Notreallyarsed · 21/12/2017 19:51

mog has already explained why she can’t “get physical”. For a start any teenager will cause an almighty fuss if not involve the police and that’s not a road any parent should have to go down.

@mogloveseggs Brew for you.

Sparrowlegs248 · 21/12/2017 19:52

I do agree with others about harsh consequences (I should think removing the phone would do it plus grounding)

mogloveseggs · 21/12/2017 19:53

Itsyule he doesn’t show it towards her I just mean that we are both oh I dunno we are just frustrated as we cannot predict it it happens out the blue. I didn’t yell on the phone, shouting doesn’t work anyway she closes off. Have been nothing but nice. She had started going to sit with us in the evenings which hasn’t happened for months which was lovely. I’m tired, stressed and just want her to be home safe not roaming around. There is no anger just don’t know what is best for her? If she’s not happy then is it best she goes to her dads? I would never throw her out but if she said she wanted to go she could as I want her to be happy.

OP posts:
sunshineintheclouds · 21/12/2017 19:53

has already explained why she can’t “get physical”

Again I have not told her to get physical Hmm

Notreallyarsed · 21/12/2017 19:54

Sorry I hadn’t seen your second post sunshine

mogloveseggs · 21/12/2017 19:56

Sunshine I know you weren’t Smile

OP posts:
mogloveseggs · 21/12/2017 19:56

Right off I go wish me luck!

OP posts:
damekindness · 21/12/2017 19:57

You have my total sympathy - I had this with my daughter from about the same age. She was a nightmare and bounced between my house and her dads - the exact location depending who she'd pissed off the most- but she was savvy enough to make sure it was only one at a time. I was in the same situation in that physically making her come home just wasn't realistic because she was bigger and angrier than I am. Kudos to those parents that are able to have more biddable children - but it's really not as simple as some have indicated.

What did I do? I muddled through, tried to keep lines of communication open, gritted my teeth and eventually she grew up into a reasonable human being that's now over 30. Though when she complains her child won't listen to her I laugh like a karmic drain

sunshineintheclouds · 21/12/2017 19:59

I can't give you anymore advice than I have already. Sorry if some of my comments felt unhelpful but bitter experience of this hits home sometimes. (My own childhood)
I hope she gets home safe and sound and you manage to sort it out op.

MycatsaPirate · 21/12/2017 20:01

Is she the only child in your household? Does she have siblings at her dads?

How is she at home generally? Do you get on ok or is everything a battle?

I would suggest sitting down when you are both calm. Ask her to listen to you and then she can have her say but you want it to be calm and sensible, not a row.

Explain that you have rules for a reason, list the rules (write notes if you need to) and you'd like to discuss them with her and see if you can come to some sort of compromise on things.

So if she wants to be out 6 nights a week, say you'd like her to be in at least 3-4 nights a week as she has homework and obviously you'd like to spend time with her too.

Tell her that her friends are welcome to your house, that she doesn't always need to go out.

Explain that the more maturity she shows and the more you can trust her, the more freedom she is likely to have as she gets older.

See if you can find an activity she can do. Would she be happy to volunteer somewhere? What are her interests? Would she like to do dog walking for an animal rescue? Help run a youth club for younger kids?

Work with her. Tell her you don't want to have to go on at her, nag her etc so if you can agree on some basic rules then you will both be happy and both know where things stand. You could then agree she can go out on say Mon, Weds until 6pm but on Fri and Sat she can be out until 8pm as long as you know exactly where she is and she isn't hanging around parks/street corners and you can pick her up.

ItsYuleyme · 21/12/2017 20:05

mog, seriously, not many 13 year olds would be happy sitting with their parents every night.
This age they are trying to find their feet. They are half way between kids and grown ups. They actually need to do what she is doing. You should help her to socialise by agreeing when and what times she can stay out till.

Discuss this with her. Tell her your fears of her getting pregnant and yours fears of her walking home through the dark streets alone.
Ask her, how you can both handle this!

Again, I would ask her to invite these friends round, btw not for you to interrogate just to say Hi to.
Is it possibly they could "hang out" in her bedroom or kitchen or something.
The problem here, is your fear for her and her kicking back at you as she thinks you're just stopping her having fun.
Help her have fun and a social life, instead.

mogloveseggs · 21/12/2017 20:12

Got her. Going to have a cup of tea now and then give her a hug and tell her I love her. Will discuss it with her tomorrow.

OP posts:
sunshineintheclouds · 21/12/2017 20:14

In my opinion it's not the fact of her going out that is this issue.

It is because she won't come home when asked/told. Which is wrong and potentially dangerous to the young girl.

If she wants her freedom she needs to be responsible with it.

sunshineintheclouds · 21/12/2017 20:15

Sorry didn't see update.
Glad she is home and safe op Flowers

ItsAllABitStrangeReally · 21/12/2017 20:15

Do you live in a really, bad area op ??

8pm seems really early for a girl that age, my friends 11yo has an 8pm curfew (( tho she's generally only inside her friends house but will.walk back alone. ))

mogloveseggs · 21/12/2017 20:17

Have told her she has no internet access tonight. Not because she’s late but because she lied as she ageeed to it in the first place.

OP posts:
mogloveseggs · 21/12/2017 20:19

Sunshine thank you and yes you’re right the issue is that she won’t come home once out. I’m sorry if this has brought up bad memories for you Flowers

OP posts:
sunshineintheclouds · 21/12/2017 20:20

Wine you can relax now op. These things happen I hope you can sort it with her in the long run. I'm sure you will.

FucksakeCuntingFuckingTwats · 21/12/2017 20:28

My daughter is 13 she comes in at nine as do all her friends. Never had any issues with her rebelling against rules. I think she's expected in too early and is fighting against you for a bit more independence. Maybe if you treat her a bit more grown up she will act more mature. I know it's hard but you need to pick your fights.

mrsBeverleyGoldberg · 21/12/2017 20:28

I'm glad she's okay. I guess she is testing how far she can go. Im glad you were able to be measured. I'm afraid my worry would have spilled out. And that wouldn't have helped at all!
I love the idea of a gang of 3 year olds out out refusing to have their milk and go to bed. No story tonight Mummy, I'm going out!

CBAforThis · 21/12/2017 20:35

I once went to a party when I was 16 to celebrate the end of GCSE. I was meant to be home at 10:30.. I rang up to say I was staying the night. My mum found the the house, walked straight in, grabbed me by the hand I threw me in the car. When I woke up in the morning she had taken my mobile, laptop, my tv, the radio, any designer clothes and all my makeup. The only thing left was books and a few old clothes. Everything had to earned back, my privilege to leave my room, to be able to go to the postbox to post a letter, I spent three months over that summer in my room except for going to work. I never did it again that's for sure (but then again I wasn't going to sneak out in old clothes..) She's 13, she's testing you. You need to install in her that you're the boss and if she thinks life is hard you need to show her what a hard life is..

LemonadeRemedy · 21/12/2017 20:39

I don't think the curfew is necessarily unreasonable. I have a (just) 13 year old and he definitely is not allowed to just go out and turn up home at 8 or 9 in the evening. We live in a deprived area and irs not uncommon for kids his age t become drug runners for older boys. Curfew time depends on the child, their social circle and where you live...
Sympathies op, teens are a bloody nightmare sometimes.

LemonadeRemedy · 21/12/2017 20:40

What consequences do you use op? Confiscating phone, turning off WiFi? Does anything like that work?