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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

13 year old refusing to come home

84 replies

mogloveseggs · 21/12/2017 19:02

Out with “mates” aaa supposed to be home an hour ago. We’ve been through this before and had a good period of it not happening but tonight here we go again. Apparently she “might” get in the car at 8. Just so tired of it. She’s stopping out because I’m moody! Has the dog put down yesterday of course I am! Sorry rambling now.

OP posts:
Original poster
mogloveseggs · 21/12/2017 19:23

Hah I’ve made loads don’t worry. It’s just not that easy. It’s all about showing off I’m sure. Was swearing down the phone. Had pastoral support last year at school but that lady has left now. If I’m not super nice all the time she does this. Just exhausting.

OP posts:
Original poster
mogloveseggs · 21/12/2017 19:25

The diet I’ve tried all sorts she just doesn’t care when she’s in this mood. Just walks off and I look like a dick.

OP posts:
Thedietstartsnow · 21/12/2017 19:27

What time is she allowed out till

Original poster
mogloveseggs · 21/12/2017 19:27

Apparently when she did it before she was sick of shouting at Home. We don’t argue that much and I know people say that but we don’t. I just feel sick.

OP posts:
Original poster
mogloveseggs · 21/12/2017 19:28

I’d said 6.25 then at that time the phone call came-I’m not coming. Wanted 9 I ended up bargaining with 8.

OP posts:
sunshineintheclouds · 21/12/2017 19:30

I know you are struggling but you have asked for an opinion so it goes.

All your comebacks on here show exactly why she is continued to act like this.
"I've tried it doesn't work"
Unfortunately in the case with your dd you haven't done enough. You need to be the parent and sort it out.
She doesn't get to tell you when she is coming home.
You need to be more tough imoa

Anasnake · 21/12/2017 19:30

Tell her to get her backside home or you're cutting her phone off - and do it

user1499506460 · 21/12/2017 19:30

I would say don't panic just yet as it's not that late...I think there are underlying issues with her behaviour ie how do you get along generally ?there is a lot of peer pressure out there and maybe you could ask her what can you do to make her feel happier at home so that you can talk without getting angry..good luck xx

Thedietstartsnow · 21/12/2017 19:31

Mine weren't allowed out when it was dark at that age...we just never got in to it ,they never asked as they knew the answer.its difficult as everyone has different boundaries

ItsYuleyme · 21/12/2017 19:32

Did she know before that you wanted her home at 6pm? Was there a specific reason that you wanted her home at that time?
Sometimes kids that age get stroppy if they can't see a particular reason to be home at a certain time.
You need to sit down with her and discuss how you can come to an agreement about how many evenings she can stay out and till what time.
If you are just wanting her home at 6 for no particular reason, she will see this as unreasonable and trying to spoil her social life.
You mentioned that you didn't know her friends. How about saying she can invite 2 or 3 home with her to sit in her bedroom chatting and listening to music till about 8 one evening.
Also,if she was going to get pregnant, making her come home before 6 won't stop that.

The more you trust her the less stroppy she'll be and less worrying for you if you get to know her friends.
Btw at 13 my Dd was hanging about outside a local shop with other boys and girls till at least that time. She's turned out great!

APcreator · 21/12/2017 19:34

Mine are 8 and 3. I can't imagine them not doing what I say. Why do some teenagers do what their parents say and others don't. Is it parenting, the circle of friends they have or the luck of the draw?

Thedietstartsnow · 21/12/2017 19:34

You need a cut off at which point it is unacceptable..like my son by the time it was a hour past his curfew I was fuming..and I would of dragged him to the car,and I would of phoned the police if I couldn't find him..I was fuming and worried and pissed off..he knew to get in the car quick

Original poster
mogloveseggs · 21/12/2017 19:34

Sunshine I am fully aware that I’m not being tough but you cannot physically handle kids when they know you can’t. She has got physical before and I’m not doing it. If she does want to live with her dad then she can do. I won’t stop her. He doesn’t always back me up which is why I struggle. My dh (not her dad) is just sick to the back teeth of it.

OP posts:
rockshandy · 21/12/2017 19:37

Re the contraception, a 13yo having a baby is surely worse than you being seen to condone sex? She will have sex whether you approve or not, so get her on reliable contraception.

Thedietstartsnow · 21/12/2017 19:37

In your shoes I'd be saying 8 pm is Late enough for a 13 yr old ...

Original poster
mogloveseggs · 21/12/2017 19:38

Ana I will if she doesn’t get in the car at 8. Apparently I said one time she could come in at 9 at age 13. I damn well didn’t but she’s exceptional at gaslighting.
Itsyule ok I see where you’re coming from thank you. I never hung around so don’t get it at all. A conversation will be had but not tonight. She has a walk home in the dark on her own down a secluded path and that worries me but maybe I do need to just let go a bit

OP posts:
Original poster
mogloveseggs · 21/12/2017 19:39

AP I wish I knew!

OP posts:
AlexanderHamilton · 21/12/2017 19:41

My mum is 5ft nothing. I'm a bit taller but at 13 my brother was physically much bigger.

We both would have been terrified of doing this. If we'd got physical we wouldn't have slept at night. It's all to do with attitude & following through on your threats. You need to let her know that even though you can't physically drag her back the consequences of her not coming back are dire (not slowed out room, all access to money, electronics etc denied. Taken direct to school & picked up outside the gates etc.

Sparrowlegs248 · 21/12/2017 19:41

Can you have any sort of reasonable conversation with her? Her coming home time seems very early to me although I will say my children are MUCH younger.

Maybe you could have the conversation that she can go out x amount of times per week and come homwith at x time (say twice a week and 8pm for example) and if she sticks to that without complaint or staying out late for a few months you'll look at it again. She's got to earn the right imo.

Re contraception. I think if a girl of her age is going to have sex, she'll do it regardless of whether you've helped her with contraception. Maybe the implant?

Thedietstartsnow · 21/12/2017 19:43

No..mine would not be walking down a dark path..I'd be picking her up at 8. And all hell would break loose if she didn't get in the car

AlexanderHamilton · 21/12/2017 19:45

My two are 13 & 16 by the way. In the winter they have to be home before it's fully dark (about 6pm) unless they are somewhere specific like a friend's house or the cinema & I can pick them up.

In the summer they would need to be in by 8pm

Original poster
mogloveseggs · 21/12/2017 19:47

Notta it does? Many of her friend not allowed out at night. I’m making it up as I go along but feel
Like I’m getting it all wrong .

Alexander thanks I will try.

Thank you everyone for your comments they are all appreciated even if it doesn’t seem like it. You’re helping me keep
Calm

OP posts:
ItsYuleyme · 21/12/2017 19:47

It would be totally out of order if you physically handled her and she will retaliate to this. She is growing into a young woman and you should talk to her as such.

Your Dh is sick to the back teeth of it ! What staying out with her mates like lots of them do at her age.

I can practically feel the anger towards her from both of you.
Believe me, this will not work with her.
You also seem to be ganging up on her, no wonder she doesn't want to come home.
Try a bit of kindness with her!

Original poster
mogloveseggs · 21/12/2017 19:48

I did follow through in that last time she did it I cancelled her birthday party. So it’s been 2 months.

OP posts:
sunshineintheclouds · 21/12/2017 19:49

There is no point asking people for help/advice then saying you have tried everything.
I'm saying you need to get physical with her.
I am saying in your shoes I would be there right now and I would not move until she was in the car.
Once home she would have her phone removed and as I said if she can't be responsible then she will not leave the house alone until she is.

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